Sleep 2/26/10

Mar 28, 2010

I keep dreaming of food. I have dreams where I can smell it. I have dreams where I can taste it. I have dreams that I somehow mysteriously forget that I am not supposed to eat and then I binge and have to start my time all over again. There are other things mixed into the dreams too. Today it was my mom. Yeah, I said today. I took a nap.

I slept late today. It’s not really anything new. It is almost impossible for me to get out of the bed. It’s a huge jumbled mess of reasons why. I am just plain tired. Waking up takes forever. I hit snooze a lot. I try to force my eyes open but blinking turns into my eyes falling shut and sleep hitting me again. I can do this thirty times in the morning and not climb out of bed until noon. Or later.

Also, I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything. People think I am lazy. This is one thing I feel really judged about. But I look at the world around me, my kids, Ryan, my dirty house, my classroom and my pools and I feel so overwhelmed. So instead of facing life and all of the normal everyday things that normal people can accomplish, I stay in bed. I knew a woman from church. Her house was being foreclosed on and her husband was in jail. Some of the women from church (myself included) volunteered to go into her home and help her pack up the things she wanted to keep to put into storage so that when they locked her house up she wouldn’t lose everything in it. It was plain disgusting. That is putting it mildly. It was probably a health hazard to enter. And the smell was so offensive we did a lot of boxing in the drive-way. There was garbage, dishes, food, and dog pee and poop everywhere. To save anything meant finding it in the piles and we did a little bit of cleaning too. I remember feeling sorry for her but I judged her. I judged her like I don’t want people to judge me. I wondered how her home could get to that point. How she could let her tiny little boy wander through the mess. But now, a few years later, I feel so sorry for her. I know how she must have felt. And if I was alone like she was, without my wonderful supportive husband, my life and my home would be so close to the same.

Sleeping is also a pastime. I get to sleep through the time that I don’t want to spend thinking about something, or waiting for an upcoming event, or to avoid being bored or feeling guilty about what I should be doing. It’s an escape from life. You can’t watch the minutes tick by when you aren’t awake. I am missing out on so many minutes though.

When I finally got out of bed today it was because I was supposed to meet with my boss to go over stuff for the upcoming swim season and to also go check on all of the pools I manage. I had set my alarm. I wanted to wake up and shower before. But I kept hitting snooze and eventually turned the alarm off. When he called to say he was on his way, which I knew he would I had to jump out of bed and straighten up the main parts of the house that he “might” go into and of course I didn’t have time to wash my hair. But I made sure to jump in the shower and wash those smelly spots. I worry so much about body odor. You can’t be fat AND stinky too. He showed up, we did what we were supposed to, and then I got back in bed.

I didn’t want to feel my hunger today. It is getting better I think. Today is only my third day without food. But the obsession is still strong. So the nap was a long one. When I finally woke enough to keep my eyes open I got out of bed and left the house. I went to spend money. I have the urge to craft and create. I want to buy things that are pretty. Here again are those little fixes I have mentioned before. But I think making things that are beautiful to share with others is healthy. So I give in. I buy. And now, while only consuming 440 calories a day, I don’t have the energy or the drive to do anything with what I have spent the money on. So… instead… I write.

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