Size 6

Dec 06, 2010

WOW!  What a roller coaster of  time I have been having.  I haven't blogged in so long.  Maybe I should have been journaling all along.  Maybe I should have been keeping up with the psych at my surgeons office.  Maybe I should have not been in denial that MAJOR changes happen in your life when you lose a lot of weight.

To date, I am down 133 pounds.  I am in a size 6, and I am hearing all the time how beautiful I am.  I feel like I am the same person.  Just better.  I struggled so much with happiness and acceptance before.  And now I can't help but feel resentment every time someone treats me nicely, notices me, or even compliments me.  But at the same time my head knows that that is just the way it goes.  I am finally healthy, I have energy I didn't know existed, I have self esteem, and it feels good to catch the eyes checking me out. 

Why is it that now, all of a sudden, my life isn't good enough for me?  Or a better question would be "Why was it so easy for me to settle before?"  Things were good.  But not great.  I was taken care of, but not adored.  Security was there, but no passion.  Companionship was there, but not romance. Is it too much to ask for to have it all?  Does it exist?  Am I selfish for giving up a decent life in hopes for having an amazing one?  So far, the few people I have told about my feelings don't seem to understand.  But I want it all. 

Within the next month my husband and I will be separating and moving towards a divorce.  We don't really have ill feelings toward eachother.  We just know that a marriage has to be more than comfort, friendship, and stability.  So far the feedback I am getting from friends and family is to make it work, to try, to give it time.  But 10 years of being neglected for my weight and depression, and continually asking to be loved the way I give love to others seems like long enough to me.  I know there are others out there who understand how I feel.  I just wish I knew who they are. 

Today, I mostly feel sad and scared.  What if I am alone forever.  Or what if I never find what I al looking for.  Or what if I do find it but I can't have it.  I feel sad for the hurt that my feelings will cause and have already caused.  I am afraid of the judgement that will be placed upon me by family and friends.  I wonder if I can do an ok job at being a single working mom.

But amidst all of the change and turmoil, I feel hopeful.  There is a small amount of peace I feel at the chance to move on.  I hope that someday all of the love and kindness I have put out into the universe comes back to me.  I am beautiful, I am selfless, I am kind, I am a good friend, and I can't wait to love someone with my whole heart again.  And to have someone love me with their whole heart also.

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