FemmeMode
"DEEP SCHTUFF" about me....
Nov 01, 2006
Thru my "Journey"....I've dealt with a bunch of 'eating disorder' issues and why I had a severe eating disorder at 12yrs.
My issues were not surrounding abuse... but, were some issues of 'abandonment.'
Growing as a little girl...I must've been such a "DADDY'S GIRL"....b/c at around 5 my dad was sent on a LONG TDY and had to leave. The story surrounding me packing all my most precious treasure...and getting ready to go with him was sooo sad and sweet. I wanted to go...and be with him I didn't understand it was 'his job' - he was gone 1yr.- one visit home.)
Then...at age 12 he left again...(this time divorcing my mom and moving to Colorado -we lived in TX)
When he left the first time....I was hurt deeply...
a funny story:
During this time...my mom had these incredibly sharp tiny manicure scissors...she wouldn't let me play with them...I snuck and found them and played with them in her closet. The only thing to cut in there was clothing so I proceeded to cut 'teeny tiny holes' in my mother's clothing...skipping over my 'favorite dress' of hers...and stopping at my daddy's clothes.She was baffled at how the holes go there...and there were sooo many in different places.....and one day was talking to her best friend about it.I was listening in...and suggested that maybe it was a "little mouse." Shortly after that...I found myself in a child psychologist's office!
(That's about the end of the 'funny'...except as an adult...I joke about that is where the first love of FASHION, FABRIC & SCISSORS came from...that's why I'm a fashion designer! LOL)
The setup was simple when I went to the shrink....I would go in first...playing some games with him...and we'd talk. Then Mom would go in and "talk about me" - I've always hated this...when she talks about me. But at that young age...I'd sit in the 'waiting room' and read or play games - or....THAT is what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. In actuality I'd be "mowing" down on the sugar cubes in his coffee service!!! THIS is my first remembrance of a unhealthy eating habit!!WOW...age 5!!! Over the years my eating became a HUGE emotional security blanket....and got bigger and more messed up.
SO....I carried all these "yuck feelings" and behaviors into my relationships & into the most important with my DH. Last summer ('05), I started thru an educational program that changed my life...I MEAN REALLY changed my life!! ~ It was called the LANDMARK Education. (It is a secular program...but God made this ROCK CRY OUT in my life and breathe HIS TRUTH into my life in a HUGE way!!!) The program was the catalyst for me having WLS. It was awesome b/c Russ and I did the whole series...and it ended a month b/f my WLS....anyway.
While there are 3 parts to this educational series... during the first part I realized that I was pretending to be "OK" with my weight....when really I wasn't...and when I came to the realization that I'd "shut up" anyone who had anything to say to me on the subject of my weight/food/dieting...(esp. Russ) I was grieved.
The ugly truth: I was a 'shutter upper'- my Ms. Jeckel would come up if you had anything to say to me on this subject...if I brought it up, you were to sit quietly and nod in agreement with my revelation or what I wanted to do. Otherwise - the evil biatch would rear her UGLY HEAD!!! The sad part...was I also realized it was not only on the subject of FOOD...it touched aspects of me being TIDDY...and MONEY issues.
The harsh reality was the longer there were "taboo subjects" within my marriage with Russ...I'd eventually snuff out the spark in his eye for me...and I'd loose my prince!
This is when... thru the "landmark process" & different tools I learned to use..... how I got my purpose to be "loving and authentic"....and to "give voice to others" - ESPECIALLY RUSS!
There are NO longer ANY taboo subjects. It took us a year going thru...and practicing the techniques..as well as recalling painful memories...and having TONS of clearing up of OLD unhealthy lies - replacing them with TRUTHS. Which brings me back to my funny/not so funny story...Since this memory was recalled I've healed a lot of those old memories...I realized at that young age I started believing "lies" about my life way back then - like - "I am ON MY OWN"....or "My Daddy doesn't love me" (-b/c if he did, he wouldn't leave me...or leave me with 'her'....and that is when my Mom became my enemy.)WOW...once I unraveled the lies and replaced them with TRUTH...and forgave my Daddy...myself for judging GOD...my Mommy....and just the 'unexplainable things that children don't have the capacity to understand'.
THEN, an only then, was I gaining some inner peace...and some healing on my 'food issues.' as well as start a NEW healthy relationship with my Mom...Dad...God....and FOOD.
My issues were not surrounding abuse... but, were some issues of 'abandonment.'
Growing as a little girl...I must've been such a "DADDY'S GIRL"....b/c at around 5 my dad was sent on a LONG TDY and had to leave. The story surrounding me packing all my most precious treasure...and getting ready to go with him was sooo sad and sweet. I wanted to go...and be with him I didn't understand it was 'his job' - he was gone 1yr.- one visit home.)
Then...at age 12 he left again...(this time divorcing my mom and moving to Colorado -we lived in TX)
When he left the first time....I was hurt deeply...
a funny story:
During this time...my mom had these incredibly sharp tiny manicure scissors...she wouldn't let me play with them...I snuck and found them and played with them in her closet. The only thing to cut in there was clothing so I proceeded to cut 'teeny tiny holes' in my mother's clothing...skipping over my 'favorite dress' of hers...and stopping at my daddy's clothes.She was baffled at how the holes go there...and there were sooo many in different places.....and one day was talking to her best friend about it.I was listening in...and suggested that maybe it was a "little mouse." Shortly after that...I found myself in a child psychologist's office!
(That's about the end of the 'funny'...except as an adult...I joke about that is where the first love of FASHION, FABRIC & SCISSORS came from...that's why I'm a fashion designer! LOL)
The setup was simple when I went to the shrink....I would go in first...playing some games with him...and we'd talk. Then Mom would go in and "talk about me" - I've always hated this...when she talks about me. But at that young age...I'd sit in the 'waiting room' and read or play games - or....THAT is what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. In actuality I'd be "mowing" down on the sugar cubes in his coffee service!!! THIS is my first remembrance of a unhealthy eating habit!!WOW...age 5!!! Over the years my eating became a HUGE emotional security blanket....and got bigger and more messed up.
SO....I carried all these "yuck feelings" and behaviors into my relationships & into the most important with my DH. Last summer ('05), I started thru an educational program that changed my life...I MEAN REALLY changed my life!! ~ It was called the LANDMARK Education. (It is a secular program...but God made this ROCK CRY OUT in my life and breathe HIS TRUTH into my life in a HUGE way!!!) The program was the catalyst for me having WLS. It was awesome b/c Russ and I did the whole series...and it ended a month b/f my WLS....anyway.
While there are 3 parts to this educational series... during the first part I realized that I was pretending to be "OK" with my weight....when really I wasn't...and when I came to the realization that I'd "shut up" anyone who had anything to say to me on the subject of my weight/food/dieting...(esp. Russ) I was grieved.
The ugly truth: I was a 'shutter upper'- my Ms. Jeckel would come up if you had anything to say to me on this subject...if I brought it up, you were to sit quietly and nod in agreement with my revelation or what I wanted to do. Otherwise - the evil biatch would rear her UGLY HEAD!!! The sad part...was I also realized it was not only on the subject of FOOD...it touched aspects of me being TIDDY...and MONEY issues.
The harsh reality was the longer there were "taboo subjects" within my marriage with Russ...I'd eventually snuff out the spark in his eye for me...and I'd loose my prince!
This is when... thru the "landmark process" & different tools I learned to use..... how I got my purpose to be "loving and authentic"....and to "give voice to others" - ESPECIALLY RUSS!
There are NO longer ANY taboo subjects. It took us a year going thru...and practicing the techniques..as well as recalling painful memories...and having TONS of clearing up of OLD unhealthy lies - replacing them with TRUTHS. Which brings me back to my funny/not so funny story...Since this memory was recalled I've healed a lot of those old memories...I realized at that young age I started believing "lies" about my life way back then - like - "I am ON MY OWN"....or "My Daddy doesn't love me" (-b/c if he did, he wouldn't leave me...or leave me with 'her'....and that is when my Mom became my enemy.)WOW...once I unraveled the lies and replaced them with TRUTH...and forgave my Daddy...myself for judging GOD...my Mommy....and just the 'unexplainable things that children don't have the capacity to understand'.
THEN, an only then, was I gaining some inner peace...and some healing on my 'food issues.' as well as start a NEW healthy relationship with my Mom...Dad...God....and FOOD.
JOURNAL: Meeting my WLS buddy....
Oct 21, 2006
Today I met with my sweet WLS support buddy!! On more than this occasion has she made me laugh...and have I enjoyed being with her. This day we had hoped that more of the RR WLS support group would join us in Manhatten for a day of fun and visiting...but it just worked out that it was just Janae & Me. (and our children of corse!)
After going to Sephora for a DIOR makeover...we walked up 7th to Central Park so the kiddos could run and play....and Janae and I hoped that we'd get to see the changing leaves. Janae had never been to Central Park...(she lives in Jersey now)...and she had fun snapping pictures of the fun Central park bridges. This picture is sooo fun, b/c when she sent this to me - I had an "AH HA!" moment....WOW, I almost look like a normal person from the back!!! I don't know why this is such a WONDERFUL pictures....the gorgeous bridge...with our kids running toward it....or my amazingly small "behind!" LOL.
This was truely a wonderful day....THANKS JANAE....not only for meeting me in the city...but taking this picture so I could have this fun chuckle....Love ya girl!! The next picture is us in front of the Central Park skating rink....oooooh, were we cold! Oh...we are the Pink clan....I didn't know that I'd like PINK soooo much. - thanks for that too, J'nae!!!~
After going to Sephora for a DIOR makeover...we walked up 7th to Central Park so the kiddos could run and play....and Janae and I hoped that we'd get to see the changing leaves. Janae had never been to Central Park...(she lives in Jersey now)...and she had fun snapping pictures of the fun Central park bridges. This picture is sooo fun, b/c when she sent this to me - I had an "AH HA!" moment....WOW, I almost look like a normal person from the back!!! I don't know why this is such a WONDERFUL pictures....the gorgeous bridge...with our kids running toward it....or my amazingly small "behind!" LOL.
This was truely a wonderful day....THANKS JANAE....not only for meeting me in the city...but taking this picture so I could have this fun chuckle....Love ya girl!! The next picture is us in front of the Central Park skating rink....oooooh, were we cold! Oh...we are the Pink clan....I didn't know that I'd like PINK soooo much. - thanks for that too, J'nae!!!~
JOURNAL: 6 Months PostOp
Oct 19, 2006
(click on Photo to see larger!!)
First...a wonderful Card.....here is what it says: 
"CONGRATULATIONS...."Pride comes not from the goals you acheive but from the way you pursue them."inside: On this special day, many people are sharing in the pride you feel, hoping that the acheivement you celebrate will open the door to a future filled with hapiness & success. ~ Happy 6 month Post-Op day! Love, Husband xxxO~"
The note he wrote shows you all what an amazingly wonderful man I'm married to!! Of course...most of you already know that....
"My Sweetheart, Congratulations!!! Today is your 6mo. post op! You've lost over 100 lbs.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to go! That's an amazing acheivement!I'm so proud of you baby...you were so (& continue to be) brave...and your attitude has been outstanding! I can't recall of a single moment where you complained - even during "the foamies!" Not even when you needed to make a quick detour off 7th avenue a couple of times when we were apartment hunting. I'm also so proud of you for encouraging & inspiring others along your journey. I've so enjoyed watching you revel in the "little" victories -- "I can cross my legs!" -- "I walked 20+ blocks today!" -- "I can wear so & so outfit again!" Keep up the excellent work my love! You're scoring a "10" & deserve an "A+"!!
So....then....he gives me a 1/2 DOZEN Red Roses!!! "There is one for every month of your journey!"Here is the picture of my fun!!! My Husband is sooo sooo wonderful!!! Could never have done this without him!!
JOURNAL: "External & Internal"
Oct 11, 2006
(CLICK ON PHOTO...for a closer look....trust me it's worth it, I worked hard to try to keep those pants UP!! LOL.)
ONE SIDE OF WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY: The external..... I wanted to take this picture at 100# lost....this is the same outfit I wore to the hospital the day of my surgery. If you look at me from the front view I still look as wide as I was at 333....but, the side view is where I lost the 100#!! Especially in my bootie!! Wow...Russ and I have had a fun laugh or two!! One of my WLS buddies said it looks like my bootie shifted to my boobies!! I love celebrating each milestone...it's the amazing part of this process....but, also part of the excitement.
THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE: The internal...there are still the same thoughts. Even though my insides were rearranged, and a tool was created that is benefits my weightloss....my brain did not change. I am triggered by the same things...
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Late Night TV watching
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Emotional or stressful times
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Boredom
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The presence of Sweets!
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Grocery shopping (although, I try to only stock the house with healthy food!)
The great part is being careful of what foods I supply our home with. The fear of dumping (even though I'm pretty sure I don't have dumping syndrome) And trying to be very very conscious of my tool" - my new stomach.
BEFORE WLS.... I ALWAYS HATED.... dieting.... when I wasn't on a diet I was eating the wrong foods. Usually overeating and/or choosing the wrong foods.... obsessing over food. THEN, when I was on a diet... I was still thinking about food constantly - but usually about eating the "right" foods. Constantly planning menues or meals... thinking.... journalling... counting points... measuring foods...AHHH! OBSESSING!! I couldn't seem to get away from my nemisis.
AFTER WLS...I still think about food constantly - but now, I think of it not as my enemy but as part of the tool. One tool will not work without the other. I'm still working on my brain...and how I think. THIS is the MOST important aspect of the weightloss surgery. If I don't do my part working thru the internal inventory...It won't work.
"Will I still get thin?"
Yes, but....I will still have the internal war...and never live the ALL AROUND healthy life that God intends for me. It doesn't have to be one or the other. As a FAT PERSON...I came to some breakthrus about myself and my life. Some of which contributed to my having the weighloss surgery. And now, those breakthrus can travel with me and generate new breakthrus....to where I will be able to live without this struggle. It's a process.... I'm committed.
This is my new life - I committed to go thru this WLS in 3D....seeing all sides and dimensions. I no longer want to live a 2D life.
Beauty Shop & Hair Loss...
Oct 01, 2006
Ok....so, we played "Beauty Shop" at my house last night...and my hubby was such a 'sport'....he did a great job...and after a quick
demonstration as I showed him how to put the color in as I applied all I could reach on the top and thru the front sides.....Then he went to town!!! He did a great job.....I've only tried to color my own hair one other time....and it was a disaster!! So, I was pretty nervous....even picking a color was nerve racking!! I did the best I could with the synthetic hair swatches...but, overall...I think it looks pretty close to my old color. It freaked me out a little when I saw it....the highlights were almost the color of our walls!!!But....now it's "growing on me!!" LOL......If you don't like it...don't tell me....I'm 
still too new in the process...and it is our 'first try!" LOL..... When I need a touch up....if I go for the same color....then if you don't like it you can let me know!! LOL.....
JUST A WARNING:I know no one wants to see my ol' hair balls....but, when I was inquiring with everyone else....how much hair they were losing.... I never knew what some may consider a lot.... or just a little.... etc.So.... last night while coloring my hair - Hubby and I noticed the large quantities of hair coming out! A little thru the process I told my hubby, "Lets save it.... " I wanted to take a picture.... of course to post it!!!If you are curious about hair loss.... (remember, everyone is different) and you wonder what I consider "a Lot" to be.... here it is!!!
demonstration as I showed him how to put the color in as I applied all I could reach on the top and thru the front sides.....Then he went to town!!! He did a great job.....I've only tried to color my own hair one other time....and it was a disaster!! So, I was pretty nervous....even picking a color was nerve racking!! I did the best I could with the synthetic hair swatches...but, overall...I think it looks pretty close to my old color. It freaked me out a little when I saw it....the highlights were almost the color of our walls!!!But....now it's "growing on me!!" LOL......If you don't like it...don't tell me....I'm still too new in the process...and it is our 'first try!" LOL..... When I need a touch up....if I go for the same color....then if you don't like it you can let me know!! LOL..... JUST A WARNING:I know no one wants to see my ol' hair balls....but, when I was inquiring with everyone else....how much hair they were losing.... I never knew what some may consider a lot.... or just a little.... etc.So.... last night while coloring my hair - Hubby and I noticed the large quantities of hair coming out! A little thru the process I told my hubby, "Lets save it.... " I wanted to take a picture.... of course to post it!!!If you are curious about hair loss.... (remember, everyone is different) and you wonder what I consider "a Lot" to be.... here it is!!!
JOURNAL: "Half Way Point..."
Sep 18, 2006
Last week I finally hit my half way point!! ...and I've LOST....another .4!!! I only needed .3 to be at my 1/2 way point!SOOOO, I'm over the 1/2 way point by .1#!!!!! WHOOOOHOOOOO!!! It's amazing how .4 lbs can make a HUGE difference in my attitude....I knew that I was retaining water...but, I was bummed!! ~ I'm thrilled to be past the 1/2 way mark...it makes such a difference to hit this GOAL!! Tomorrow is my 5 month post op anniversary....and today I'm UNDER 240# just hit 239, and that would make -11# down this month....I'm just sooo excited that I'm 1/2 way...and if I loose 100# by 6mos Post op...that would be great!!
(I'd secretly hope that I will loose 110 by my six months....but, anyway I will wait...and just see what will happen. ) Thanks for celebrating with me!!!! 
We took my 5mos. post op pictures a couple of days early...and even though it's only 10# I really can see the difference this month!!
I'm starting to feel like my "Old self..." - I even am beginning to see my collar bones! hmph!!
JOURNAL: 4 months PostOp
Aug 19, 2006
Today was an exciting day....knowing that it is my 4mo. Post-Op anniversary....I jumped on the scale to see that I weighed exactly 250.0!! I haven't weighed this since my second year of marriage...I've lost 83.8#...and have exactly 100# to lose to hit my goal.
Here are my monthly progress pictures....with the comparison to my surgery day photos....
JOURNAL: 3 Months PostOp
Jul 19, 2006
Too much time goes between my blogs.... I've been here and there...we are soooo busy with our move I can hardly believe it!! The best part of it all is it keeps my mind off of what is actually happening with my weightloss...I just take it "day to day" - as I am forced to take everything else. As of today I'm 67# down...and am feeling sooo great. I am amazed at the speed in which my weight is coming off...but, soooo thankful. I'm sooo glad I had this surgery! Krispy Kremes.....??
Jun 20, 2006
Ok.....My uncle just brought 2 doz. Krispy Kreme hot donuts into our lodge...and coffee is brewing....
Oh, I'm trying to convince my hubby to go get one...and let me have the smallest bite. OH....have I told you I've been dreaming of Krispy Kremes??
Oh my they smell sooo good!! OKAY...he finally did.....and I took a tiny bite.....WOW! Soooooo amazing for the bite...and as I was chewing and it got mushy - not so great.
This makes me wonder....hmmmmm? Have I really ever ate a Krispy Kreme donut....I think I've always inhaled them.....wow. It tasted greasy...not so good...and the sugary taste went away...I really hope that it was not a lot of sugar.... that bite was not worth it AT ALL!!!!
Tiffany's Wedding...
Jun 20, 2006
Loved it...we had sooo much fun! So did my daughter...she's just sooo tired from all her "flower girl duties...and dancing!
About Me
New York, NY
Location
26.1
BMI
May 10, 2006
Member Since
