Findingme
Where to begin? I was never an overweight child. I was very active and loved sports. I developed puberty early and developed a negative body image. Everything was great until I was about 14 yrs old. At 14 I got pregnant. Trying to hide my pregnancy I refused to gain weight and I didn't until my 6th month. During my 7th month I was put on bed rest following a gymnastic accident (yes I was still competing as well as playing softball). My weight ballooned. Before pregnancy I weighed 115 lbs and at delivery 200 lbs. I was miserable. When my DD was 3 mos old I was back to 125 lbs. For my body style, 115-130 lbs is doable. When I post pics you will see.
I graduated high school and started college and had baby #2. Once again my health problems came back and to bed I went (I had pre eclampsia and yadda yadda). My weight hit 200lbs again. Then I had several surgeries before DS was 6 mos old. My body was suffering. I was breastfeeding but unable to eat normally (gallbladder issues/removal and then a horrible experience having tonsils removed). I was down to 135 in no time. However since my body was undernourished, when I was able to eat again I gained about 20 lbs. I was still ok with it. Two children and college kept me too busy to really work on getting it back down. Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have made the time.
My last semester of college I had baby number 3. Life was hectic to say the least. I graduated weighing 165 lbs. Now real life was happening and I couldn't keep up with everything. My kid's father was arrested for Vehicular Homicide (drunk driving) and sentenced to 30 yrs. I had 3 kids who were 7,3, and 6 mos old. I had to take a job that wasn't anywhere near my dream job. I then put furthering my education on hold. I was beyond depressed and stressed. I withdrew my application to the Masters Program. I threw myself into being Mommy and Daddy. All while trying to make sure my children were able to maintain a relationship with their father. My weight slowly creeped up.
When DS3 was 1 I was weighing 215lbs. I started phen/fen. I did great. I was weighing 135lbs and was starting to wean off the combo. Then disaster struck. They pulled the meds. I couldn't maintain my weight since I hadn't been able to wean myself properly. It came back with a vengeance. Within a year and half I was up at 220 lbs. Once again fat, depressed and still trying to make life good.
Since that time I have just tried to maintain. My weight fluctuates between 210-250. I am unhappy, depressed and all things bad. But I managed to meet a great guy 5 years ago. Sadly my weight issues accompanied by my depression has soured me. We chose to end the relationship recently. He felt I should be able to just lose weight. His negative comments added to my depression which made me more unstable on the weight problem.
So we come to today. I want to find the real me again. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. You will notice I use the 'I' statements frequently. I am big on personal responsibility. And it is I who is responsible for my weight problems. Just as it is I who has to fix it.
Welcome to my journey. Feel free to comment.
