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but still going... plastics are the next step..

SO MUCH CRAP has happened in the year since my surgery.. I WILL get it all down.. just not right now :)

So, a few days ago I noticed that whenever I ate anything I got this wicked bad pain in my left shoulder, and my stomach would burn.

I saw my Surgeon today and he thinks its either a Gall Bladder issue or possibly an Ulcer. Yay! In the meantime, I can't eat without being in excruciating pain and sometimes even liquids hurt.

My weight loss is going A LOT slower than I expected it to. That's a huge bummer... I left the Doctors office today convinced that everyone in there was thinking what a failure I am... I heard the Nutritionist say something when I left the room, when I turned my head the other people in there were looking at me... like don't make it obvious or nothin!!! I have no idea what she said though. Honestly? I cried all the way home. I HATE it when I let people do that shit to me.

Assholes!

In  the past week I swear I have run the gambit of emotions. Everything from Excitement and Happiness to the utter pits of depression. I've had a few situations where all I wanted to do was sit and eat. There have been times where I got upset just because I couldn't overindulge myself like I usually did. I miss the pleasure and happiness that even just the taste of some of my favorite foods gave me.

Getting real for a minute..... where did being able to eat all that shit and overeat all the time get me? It got me HERE... to the point where I became so overweight I needed SURGERY to lose it.

I'm trying so hard to keep perspective and keep my priorities straight. Eating was my vice. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs anymore... now I don't have eating to turn to anymore either. Ugh.

I need to be careful... shit is just getting to me so bad right now! Even my kids are getting on my nerves.

I think I'm getting dehydrated a little bit. Should I be constantly sipping water? I made a protein/Crystal light drink thing and I've been trying to drink it... but after a couple of sips I just start feeling stomach sick. Ugh... I know eventually I'll find a happy medium in all of this.

The good news is.. the weight has started coming off. I know I know I know... no early celebrations... but it's still nice. 

Anyhow.. I need to figure out this dehydration thing before it becomes serious.

I had Surgery on Monday... thought I wasn't supposed to feel hungry?????????????? I'm starving constantly and I am on this god awful liquid diet.

It's going to be worth it
It's going to be worth it
It's going to be worth it
It's going to be worth it

Can't sleep...

I just went to the fridge and almost had a moment of panic looking at all the things I won't be able to eat and for a split second I had an urge to start eating everything... how bad is that. I didn't though, I came here and started looking at before and after pictures...

I'm ready to lose this weight.

but I did it... am I ashamed? HELLS NAW!

My Husband wanted to take me out for a very special dinner before I had sugery. We went to Fujiyama Japanese Steakhouse and I ate like a little piggie. It was delicious. Afterward we went looking at the various Car lots around town which is something we've always done and then we had ice cream! No regrets! 

Surgery is in just a couple of days.... First thing Monday morning! People keep asking me if I'm nervous or excited.. and I am not really either of those things. I'm looking forward to it for sure, and I'm not 'scared' about the surgery... I don't know.. I guess it'll be one of those things that it'll hit me when it's happening.

I'm NOT looking forward to being in pain though, I just hope I don't have an adverse reaction to the pain meds.. I've never had Morphine before.

Been cleaning like a madwoman! Is there such a thing as nesting before surgery? LOL

I just got back from my Pre-op appointment. Everything went really well, although I'm thinkiing my bathroom scale is wrong.... should I trust the scale at the hospital more? If that's the case then I haven't lost the 20lbs I thought I did... and the only weights I have to go on are 318 at my initial appointment and 312 today. 6 friggin pounds. BULLSHIT.

Oh well... this is why I'm having surgery right?

10 days....

Yes folks that's right... I am experiencing one of my twice or thrice yearly episodes of Insomnia. This could last days or weeks, a few times it's lasted months. I can't let this one go though, going to class on no sleep won't be fun. Tonight I must remember, nay, I must write myself a note or several notes to remind me to dig out my trusty stash of Ambien and pop one or two to kick myself back into a normal sleep routiene.

I don't believe that this bout has anything to do with my upcoming surgery - in fact I've experienced Insomnia in varying degrees of severity since I was a young child. Thank God I haven't seen the same behavior in my kids YET. I wonder why this happens to me? 

It's 6am and I've been up all night. I MUST try to stay awake all day to help reset my schedule.