girlscout39

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

My biggest challenge has been regain.  After RNY surgery, I have been pregnant........with twins..........twice.  In the first pregnancy, I was terrified of not getting enough nutrition in for my babies and struggled to eat round the clock.  I was very healthy and gained 40 lbs (gee how the mind "forgets", see post below), which I thought was good for twins.  Unfortunately, that started a grazing pattern that has continued.  Having to be up around the clock, I ate around the clock.  Get up, feed first twin, eat a granola bar.  Get 2nd twin bottle, eat a granola bar.  Repeat every 3 hours.  Nine months after the first twins were born, I became pregnant with twins again.  I had not lost a pound since the oldest twins were born.  And I gained an additional 40 lbs with the next pregnancy.  Now I am struggling with 80 lbs to lose again.  I have not been on basics for awhile though.  So as I start  back, I do feel my body and pouch responding which gives me hope.  It is silly, but I threw up the other day after eating and was actually excited.  I had not done that in years. 

So here we go again. 

Real protein first (not SouthBeach granola bars, not cheese, not Kashi cereal, I gained on these foods).  Just meat. 

NO DIET COKE.  Seriously they are addicting and I believe cause cravings.  (or maybe it was just me)

Water, water, water, water.

Exercise (I've been okay about this one, just need more time)

Today I weigh 255.  I hope to change that.

Wow, it's been almost 2 years since I had surgery.  I have had regain.  Of course, I just gave birth to twins on 10-5-08, so I knew it was coming, but dog, it's ugly.  I gained almost 60 lbs with them.  And now it's time to do better.  Being pregnant was hard.  I had to eat constantly (also known as grazing) to get enough nutrition to support them.  They are healthy and well and 8 weeks old now.  However, I had to go against all my post-op training to keep them healthy.  And I also ate bad stuff and found out I could.  Thank God I became lactose intolerant post-op or Ben & Jerrys would have really done me in.  I have a lot of things to become accountable now for, and take this weight off.   I have not been able to exercise in quite some time and right now it's almost impossible as the twins are on every 3 hour feedings which means almost no sleep plus I have a 3 year old who needs attention.  I am feeling a bit sorry for myself as I eat this fairly dry tuna, but I must now fight the sugar demon, so people, don't try sugar, you may be able to tolerate it and that is not a good thing to learn.  I started eating it when sugar substitutes made me ill when preggo.  *sigh*

Its a long road ahead, I weigh 227.  I have a lot to lose to get to my lowest weight pre-baby of 178.  At least it's not 365 right?

Ok I know I'm whining alot, but this is my venting ground.    So please bear with me  (as a Stephen King fan, I am so tempted to call you dear reader, but then that would presume someone finds me interesting enough to read about!  lol).  This morning sickness is a killer.  I was sick before when I was pregnant (before RNY), but this is so much worse and if I dare indulge in anything I crave (ice cream!) I know it will only be that much worse.  So right now, I am allowing myself to eat what is convenient and easy and won't make me barf, which is only the carb-filled Lean Cuisines.  At least I'm getting protein right?  I will check on getting some Zofran that my surgeon recommended when I see my OB for the first time on the 14th.  In the meantime, waaaaaaaaaah!  Seriously, I am normally not this big of a baby.  

I wish I knew what was a normal gain right now.  I am 7 weeks I think and have gained like 5 lbs.  That seems high. 

What in the world to eat?  Protein makes me nauseous.  I am going to die.  The only thing I want is potatoes and oranges.  Not exactly post-op approved.  So far I am managing to get my protein in via yogurt and some cheeses.  Thank God for the Kroger hi-protein brand or it'd never happen.  This is pure hell.  And I am trying not to freak out too bad about the scale going up.  It's baby right?  That and I forgot how when you are pregnant you get "backed up".  I swear, between my own plumbing and my 3 year old's, all I talk about is poopies.

Today I am going to go apartment hunting.  *sigh*  I have to give up the house due to my husband's and my separation.  And then, lovely enough, I found out I am surrounded by drug users on three sides.  And I thought I lived in a "nice" neighborhood.  I actually felt safe.  Uhhhhh.  LOL.  Wish me luck for a nice apartment complex that we can afford with NO DRUGGIES! (ok I know that is probably not realistic, but one can dream right?)

As crazy as it is, I am excited about this baby!  I told my Dad he had hurt my feelings and BOY!  Did he apologize, he back-pedaled and said that is not how he meant it, and said after we got off the phone, he had been quite excited too.  He even called me back again to apologize again.  I really felt good then, that was sweet.

So as crazy as my life is being separated from my husband and being a single mom, I am as thrilled as can be!  My almost 3 year old is almost potty trained too, so that is great.  I am having to give up my dogs and find an apartment this week.  *sigh* Moving again do suck.

But the chips will fall regardless, right?  Let's hope they stack themselves up neatly and in order!  (yeah, that is my life, NOT!)

I am going through a lot right now, but I just told my Dad he was going to be a grandpa.  And he just asked me, do you think this is really the right time????  I mean SHIT!  DOUBLE SHIT!  I know he wasn't trying to be an ass.  But this is My Baby.  The timing is the worst in history, but no, I will not kill my unborn because it's inconvenient for me. 

I am terrified to tell my sister and best friend, because I KNOW how they will sit in judgement of me.  How they will think how stupid I am for letting this happen. 

I want to run away and stay with my mom and go back to school, but I know how the above mentioned people will react.  They will think how irresponsible I am for giving up a good job.  It is a good job with benefits, but I'll never be anywhere without a degree, I think.  And how will I afford two kids with just my income?

I don't know what to do. 

I am sitting here crying feeling sorry for myself and so miserably indecisive.  What should I do?

I don't know what to say. Shock.  Fear. Excitement.  Crazy for feeling excitement.  Now what the hell can I eat? 

I am making it!  Today is 4 weeks since I quit smoking.  I am okay.  I don't sleep well but that could be any number of the stressors in my life.   So I let go of the anger towards my husband.  And he screwed up again, so we are separated.  I got very angry again, but didn't let it undermine my eating and I'm happy to report that I have been faithfully going to the gym again 2-3 times per week.  I think I am going to divorce my husband.  He has a substance abuse problem that I have done everything I know to do about.  And the fact of the matter is, it is not my problem to fix.  Only he can.  I hate that it has come to this.  I woke up last week and realized I loved him again (this is after deciding to divorce him the night before), but now I am realizing that whether or not I love him does not mean anything.  I can't fix him and he is not allowed in my home and our son cannot be raised in that environment.  And I don't deserve to be lied to (which he agrees), but how would I ever be able to re-establish trust?  It is broken.  It is gone.   It has been broken too many times.  He says he is willing to do everything and anything to get us back.  He wants us happy.  But does he really?  He wants our old life back.  Where I was blind.  He does not really want this me, where I see everything and yell and have an opinion.

I am strong now.  I will not say yes, just because I cannot say NO.

For the past three months it seems like I have not lost any weight.  I am currently 178lbs and a size 12 pants, medium or large shirts.

I have been hungry all the time.  I have also been going through some hard times with my husband.

But then yesterday, bing bang boom.  My stomach shrunk again.  I have no idea why.  Well a small theory.  Yesterday I kind of had an ephiphany and let go of my anger at my husband.  Suddenly I cannot eat very much again.  I'm talking about such fullness from Kashi hot cereal that a snack is out of the question before lunch.  Are the two things related?  My suddenly small stomach and my letting go of my anger? I don't know.  It's so strange.  I always knew I was a stress eater, but it is still so weird for it to be so sudden and so PHYSICAL.  Like NO POSSIBLE WAY to eat a snack. 

I'm going back to the gym tonight too.  I was almost fanatical before, but I stopped going late January or early Feb (its been 3 or 4 weeks) when my son and I got the flu and were laid out for 2 weeks solid.  But now I'm just being lazy and out of habit.  So I'll go back.  I know there will be pain.  :))

As for the rest of it, my family is getting on my nerves (yuuur kidding).  Don't get me wrong, I love them and they are very supportive, but everytime I see them they are like "don't lose anymore weight, you are getting too skinny".  I mean, come on.........178 lbs and size 12 is not anorexic people.  

I also quit smoking.  It has been 8 days.  Where is the prozac???

Good news, since I joined the gym, the weight is flying off again.  I am down to 183 and wear a size 12.

On a bad note, my husband and I are separated.   I am really struggling with this, I asked him to leave, but I feel so guilty.  I want it to work but there is no way with all the lies I have discovered recently.  I told him he would have to prove to me that he wants to be with us by his actions, not words.  I am so tired of being a single parent, but I am married.

We'll see what happens.