got2bmee2006
My Blogs..........
Feb 22, 2008
August 10, 2006
I think I am addicted to OH.. All I do it come to this site and read countless stories about all the journeys...It's 5:19 am and I've been on since about 3am. Not to mention, I was on at work all day, came home about 7:30 and fell asleep on here at about 11pm(reluctantly, but I just couldn't stay up any longer). So now I need to get back to sleep for an hour or so, so I can get to work for 9am and get back on the site...Sounds like an addiction if I've ever heard of one. LOL...Check back with you soon...
Jae Baby...
August 12, 2006
It's now Saturday 10:33am...I have been up since 6am, doing what else? Where else? I just sit on the site looking at all the wonderful transformations, wishing, hoping and praying that one day I too will be a success story....I try to imagine myself 100lbs. lighter and how my whole life would TOTALLY be changed...
The way I feel about my current weight is truly indiscribable...I believe that I am beautiful right now, at this very moment...But I don't know why I feel like until I lose weight, no one else will ever see my beauty...And it's not even the outside that is the biggest issue, it's what it represents...It's what it's become of me...Which really in essence is not who I am at all...I don't know if that just made any sense to anyone, but it's the way I truly feel.
Jae Baby..
August 23, 2006
Well today was an emotional day for me...I had a group consultation with doctor Smith...It was mostly a confirmation of what I had already researched on my own...I actually broke tears becuase all of a sudden I realized just how bad I need this surgery...It's been pins and needles for me not having a response from his office yet as to whether I've been accepted as a candidate...I cannot see any possible reason why I wouldn't be except my condition of Polycystic kidney disease...I just hope and pray that this isn't a henderance....So keep me in your prayers on this journey...I hope to post again soon...OH YEAH, I'm NOW A NEW GOD MOMMY TO A BOUNCING BABY BOY!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday BABY DAVIE D....
Jae Baby...
August 24, 2006
Wow, is it me or did everyone else on here get igged when they first put up their page? I keep reading all these pages with people talking about their huge support they've had and all their angels and all...But not one person has even said hello...Well this insn't the first time I've been alone in my endeavors and I'm sure it won't be the last.....But I'll keep writing to myself, so I can look back and see my own thoughts throughout my journey...
Jae Baby...
August 27, 2006
Well today is Sunday and I have to say that this weekend SUCKS BIG TIME!!! I am such an emotional MESS..My boyfriend no called no showed on Friday for a date he promised me and now is pretty much blowing it off as no big deal...He basically told me that I was becoming a burdon to him. Let me share with you a bit of history..Back in April I was just beginning my externship for medical assisting. The same day I was interviewed at this doctors' office, my car was stolen from in front of my door. A week later is was recovered but the thieves had blown my engine....I was(AM STILL) so hurt because I worked really hard to make that car a reallity...I had been without a car for 7 months prior and had finally gained back my independance when some EVIL person snuffed that from me...Needless to say, I only carried liability on my car because I payed cash for it(never in a million years thought someone would STEAL it) So now I have been without a car since April '06...Now, ever since then my boyfriend has had to come to me..Or let me borrow his truck(total gas guzzler) when I needed to run an errond...So in the past couple of months he has slacked off GREATLY in the amount of time and attention he spends with me..Basically because I don't have a car I'm putting a strain on our relationship is what he told me...I just feel like that is an ultimate slap in the face because the was through no fault of my own that I'm in this situation...Or maybe it is...Maybe I really am not worthy of EVER being happy...It would really be nice if my life could just flow...It's always so interrupted by bullshit...And heartache...Now I have a man that I thought would be around forever basically allienating me because well, because I HAVE NOT....I have nothing to offer him but myself, which is obviously not enough...So now, I'm just really hurt and feel so worthless as a person and this weight just puts the icing on a FALLEN cake...
Jae Baby..
September 7, 2006
Well everyone I just wanted to update and let everyone know that I have finally gotten word that I was accepted as a candidate by Dr. Smith(well duh, that didn't take a rocket science to figure out) which took WAY much longer than it should have. However now I am awaiting the packet letting me know all the hoops the doctor will be requesting me to jump through...Pray for me that everything contiues to go well...I am so consumed and feel so overwhelmed these days...I am always on edge and am very emotional..I have cried probably 10 times in the last 2 weeks...Well that's it for now, I will keep you posted.
Jae Baby..
September 14, 2006
Well I finally got my second packet today from Doctor Smiths' office. It has a lot of info...There are so many things I need to do now...It seems as if I will never finish this task...I don't really have a primary care physician, so I really am not sure how to go about all of this..I am a little overwhelmed right now, but I'll have to sift through this tomorrow...Also, if anyone out there is a patient of Dr. Smiths' and have used his list of doctors', typically how long was the wait for these appointments? So if anyone has any helpful info I would greatly appreciate you sharing with me what you know...Until then, peace and many blessings to all....
Jae Baby..
Sunday September 17, 2006
Today is a sad day for me. I feel so alone I can't even describe. As I read all the profiles I am not finding myself inspired anymore..Not because the transformations are not amazing, but I realize how very empty my life really is. Even the pre-op stories. I am so alone in my journey. I have no support, no children that need me, no one that would even give a damn if I died on the table. I do have family but we are all so distant, not in miles but just in the way that we lead our lives...And my friends all have lives and loves of their own, no one wants to be bothered...I'm getting to the point that I HATE the weekends because when I'm at work it's the only time I'm not alone...Every other waking moment of my life I spend alone...And I supposedly have a boyfriend...And I'm not even really down about my weight, in fact weight has nothing really to do with my present state. I don't know how such an open funfilled, loving, caring, person could be so alone...I just don't understand this..So I sit here crying because there seems as if there is nothing in life better for me to do at this moment....
September 24, 2006
Well today I thought I'd update. I've been so depressed lately I haven't felt like doing much of anything. I'll just make this short and simple. I made my first two appointments for Oct. 3 for my Psych-eval. and for my pulmonology. So I'm getting there slowly but surely...
October 1, 2006
Well today is my birthday, and one of the most saddest depressing days of my life... I spent the ENTIRE day alone in bed crying and wishing I was no longer on the planet... It really sucks being me...That's all....
October 8, 2006
Well, I have had my psych-eval. and have seen my pulmonologist... I've gotten the GREEN light from the psychiatrist. He was a bit weird, but he was very easy to talk to. My pulmonologist was very nice as well. She made an appointment for me to have my sleep study done on the 16th of October. So now more than likely I'll be sleeping with a C-PAP machine...WHATEVER. I just want this to become a reality...I am still trying to figure out how I will be able to afford the out of pocket expenses, and move into my new place as well... I am probably one of the brokest persons ever to have this surgery, lol... But I am determined to make it happen...It seems like it's so far away or impossible, but I know it's going to happen... I need something good to happen in my life for a change.. I have been dealing with so much heartache and self doubt, I can hardly see straight from all the tears that constantly flow... I am an emotional wreck. But I have to keep telling myself that it has to get better...And if it doesn't...I QUIT!!!!!!!!! So everyone keep me in their prayers, I need all that I can get...Until next time...
Jae Baby
October 19, 2006
Well I have completed all my appointments except for my nutritionist. I have seen my pulmonologist, done my sleep study, had my blood drawn, and had my gall bladder ultrasound. So I am moving right along. I am still getting over my broken heart. My ex is not making this easy for me. He still continues to call me and act like everything is ok when he has hurt me more than anyone ever has in my life... It's very painful. I spend a lot of time crying, wishing I had never met him. Sometimes I think I hate him, and every other man that walks the earth. I hate him for making me feel that way...He has taken so much of my own spirit from me, that I don't even know if I'll ever get it back. Anyway, back to my surgery.... I have paid my 200.00 admin. fee for my doctors' office to go ahead and process my paperwork and submit it to the insurance company...So it's pins and needles from here...Everyone just keep me in your prayers, I need all I can get. I will come back and post in a few days...Hopefully I will have a date soon...
October 22, 2006
I am on my way. I have completed all but my consult with my nutritionist which is set for the 25th of Oct. I also have a follow up on the same day with my pulmonologist over my sleep study results..I spoke with Denise at Dr. Smiths' office and she asked me to compose a letter stating who would be my support system after my surgery. I've gotten that out of the way and will be faxing that over tomorrow. I am waiting to get a letter of support from my PCP, hopefully by Wednesday I'll have gotten a letter sent over. I also am hoping to finally discuss a date and also what all of this is going to cost me out of pocket. I really don't have a lot of money and there are so many things I need to do. I am hoping that my calculations of around $1600.00 is correct...Let's see what else is going on in my life..Well I'm still crying daily over the person I thought was my soul mate, come to find out he's still goo goo ga ga over his ex...Just my luck. But what I do know is that I am a GREAT woman, and he is OUT OF HIS MIND for leaving me...But it still hurts...So with all of that said, I am healing a little everyday. Keep me in your prayers, I hope to be having this surgery by the end of this year.... I wish you all well...
October 28, 2006
Well I have seen my nutritionist and my PCP sent a letter of recommendation. I missed my followup appointment with my Pulmonologist, so I rescheduled for Monday, the 30th. After that, it's time to plead my case to the insurance company...I am still trying to make some sense of my break-up with my boyfriend. I am still hurting so much, I have to use all the fiber in my being not to cry every second of the day... I cannot describe to anyone how deep this wound is in my heart...I have made the choice NEVER to fall or be in love again. I can never feel this way again... I can barely function daily, it's so emotionally crippling.So just keep me in your prayers, I don't think God really listens to me, so maybe he'll listen to you....
November 3, 2006
WELL EVERYONE, I'VE GOT A DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Sugery has been tentatively scheduled for December 20th.. This will be my best Christmas EVER!!!!!!!!!!! I just hope and pray that everything continues to go well. Now my biggest hurdle is raising the funds to pay the out of pocket expenses. I am worried about how I am going to do so many things...But I have come this far, I just refuse that God is not going to make a way for this to finally happen...Right now I'm still a little in shock and it hasn't quite sunk in just yet, that this time next year I could be at least 100lbs lighter...That is UNBELIEVABLE...ME? Now I have to convince myself that I deserve it.
January 4, 2007
Happy NEW YEAR everyone....Wow, it's been a while since I've been on here... Alot has happened...One of them WASN'T my surgery. My surgery did not happen on the 27th as planned. For more than one reason. I got sick the week right before Christmas, I didn't have the out of pocket expense money I was supposed to have and last but not least, my approval letter did not come until 2 days after my surgery date...I've moved out of my apartment to conserve and save for my surgery. I have RESCHEDULED my surgery for VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!!!!!! This time, it's GOING TO HAPPEN..... I don't care what I have to do, it's going to happen....I apologize to everyone who has sent me well wishes, thinking that I finally crossed over, but I was just too depressed to get on and say anything...I am feeling better now and am looking forward to Valentines day for the first time in life...
January 30, 2007
Well everyone, my time is winding down!!!!! I am 15 days away from my BIG day.... I can't believe this is FINALLY going to happen... I got my lab results back, some of them sound great and the others I really don't understand. But hopefully all will fall in line. I am excited and a little nervous. I seem to be on edge on a constant basis just hoping that everything goes as planned. I have so many goals and aspirations.... I really want to be healthy more than anything. Or be able to sleep without SNORING. I hate that my new "Friend" and I have to sleep in separate rooms because of it... I also look forward to being able to shop anywhere I want and not in the GRANDMA section of the store. There are so many things I just can't wait to be able to do... But most of all, I just want to be FREE.... So going into this life altering change, EVERYONE, please keep me in your prayers...See you all on the other side....
Jae Baby..
February 10, 2007
Well everyone, there's been YET ANOTHER SET back... Well remember Mr. Wonderful who broke my heart back at the end of the year, well we've managed to remain freinds and in the beginning of January shortly after I decided on a new reschedule date, he called me one morning on the way to work telling me that he really knows how much this surgery means to me and all along he has been saving for my big day and that he would be giving it to me by the end of January. Well folks, I should have listened to good Ol' Beyonce, when she said, "Me Myself and I is all I got, and I know that I will never disappoint myself..." To make a long story short, he spent the money he was to gift to me and told me 3 days before I was due have the money in to the Dr. and his assistant.... CAN YOU SAY MAD?????????????? HURT??? EMBARRASSED??? DISAPPOINTED???? Well I'll say them for you, I was all of the above and didn't know how to tell my doctors office so I followed through with all my necessary appointments hoping for a miracle which never happened (only for some people, but never to me) So now I'm in limbo til Monday... My doctors office policy is that ALL out of pocket expenses MUST BE PAID PRIOR TO SERVICES RENDERED...So that means I'm in line again for another date...I am so mad I could spit bullets. But at who? I'm the STUPID one for trusting someone else and I take FULL resposibility for that...With that being said, keep me in your prayers, it seems to work better for me when someone else is doing the praying, I don't think he here's me too well, but none the less I do believe it works and I know that is changes things.... I am moving forward and I do thank God for not letting me hit rock bottom with this last ordeal.. I really thought I would just give up and die if this did not go through, but God has given me some new found strength and I thank him for that. I just need more faith, and I'lll continue to ask God for that. I just thought to myself yesturday on my long commute back home from my doctors office yesturday, " You know you are so stupid not to see the blessings that happen right in front of you, and why do you continue to doubt God even though he has brought you through every situation that you've been in?" Then my totally illogical brain kicks in and says to me, " Cause God don't love you, he loves your MAMA and you just happen to reep the benefits".....lol I know that was a little twisted but that was a smidget of what goes on in the mind of Jae baby....Perhaps I'm crazy and I just don't know it yet...lol But none the less, I am determined to have this surgery, even if it kills me....Now ya'll are seeing it on here and it is listed on my life insurance, MY MAMA TAKES THE BANK IF I DIE....lol. But that is the truth, so no one else can lay claims on the insurance money, my mama is the only one who truly deserves it...All $20.00 of it, lol.... But anyway hopefully through all of your prayers, this won't happen, but I really at this point want this so bad I'm willing to die on that table...So with that being said, keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I'll keep you posted of the seemingly never ending saga...
Jae Baby..
February 14, 2007
Another surgery date has come that I have had to reschedule. I have rescheduled my surgery YET AGAIN to February 22nd. I'll keep you posted....
Jae Baby...
February 16, 2007
Hello Everyone...I am happy to announce everything is finally on track!!!!!!!! Yesturday Mr. Wonderful (my ex) came to my job with 15 crisp 100 dollar bills in his hand as promised....I am so happy and tense all at the same time..So now finally my surgery is in 6 days...Now I can fiannly be excited and nervous about what I should be excited and nervous about... So this morning I am going in for my PATT, hopefully all goes well with that... Please continue to keep me in your prayers, I am hoping to be moving into my new apartment before my surgery. It is close to my doctor and to my job, right now I am staying with my brother who seems to think I am his child with a 10pm curfew...Not to mention, I can't have company and can't touch the walls amongst a host of other unspoken rules, lol... But hopefully I am approved at this new place before my surgery date, which isn't very long.
Jae Baby...
February 21, 2007
Well today is the day before I cross over... I am getting very nervous and I feel like my wheels are just spinning. There are some last minute things I need to get out of the way like getting my ADEK vitamins, packing for my stay and calling all my friends and family. I also am just spinning my wheels making a decision on my protein suppliments. Over the weekend I went to GNC and was really not amazed with what was out there..Either the area I went in was very limited or the pickin's are just really slim.. I did find some of the brands that were recommended, however they were not in the flavors I would prefer...I don't know, for some strange reason it feels like my body is preparing itself for the surgery in the way that in this past week I have began to experience a lot of the things that happens to WLS patients post-op. I have been having strange LOUD stomach sounds, I've been nautious, having irritible bowels, and my tastes just are not the same. I have also noticed that my smell has changed, I can't smell things too well for some reason..So I don't know what that's all about but hopefully this week has somewhat prepared me for what is to come. At any rate, I am so nervous about getting this dag blasted PICC line in.. No one seems to tell me the truth about what it really feels like, so I just keep imagining it to be horrific.. If it's anything as painful as getting a cyst lanced I'm going to faint...That was an excruciating pain. Speaking of PICC line, I don't have the slightest clue as to what time today I am due to have my PICC line in. I think it's today but I'm not sure...Oh well, I think I'm beginning to ramble, so with that being said I'll talk to you guys one more time before I hit the OR...Keep me in your prayers, and hopefully I will see you on the other side very soon...
Jae Baby..
March 6, 2006
Well everyone I've made it to the losing side!!!! I am doing very well and as of my first post-op visit on Friday, I am 14lbs down already....Not bad at all for one week...I don't have a scale but I'm sure that may have changed by now...However I am doing great with gas being my only complication... I was held an extra day in the hospital because I was bloated so much that I wasn't able to put anything else down so my doctor held me until he felt I would get in substantial liquid intake. Other than that, I have been recovering well. I have not been on any pain meds since 2 days before I was released from the hospital, and am not taking any meds. I have not done well at all on my PROTEIN, (BAD, BAD, BAD) but I seem to have a problem deciding(I'm such a LIBRA) which suppliment to take...Everything seems to smell so horrible...Plus it seems like it's just impossible to drink so much on top of all of the liquid and food I have to consume. It's a job just eating everyday...So I'm working on a regimine. Other than that, I think everything else is going quite well... Of course I still don't see any changes, but I'm sure they are still happening. I don't have a scale so I really can't monitor anything right now...But as always keep me in your prayers I will post again soon....
Jae Baby..
March 24, 2007
Hello everyone...Well I know it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted but I have been in transition moving in my new place and I just got my internet service back up and running..I am doing very well, I have now lost a total of 24lbs and it has already made a month post-op 2 days ago for me..My how the time does fly. I still am having trouble really seeing anything and sometimes I think in the back of my mind "I wonder if this is all I will ever lose, I still look just as fat as I did last month".... I was hoping to have hit 30lbs down by now, but the dumb scale at the gym at work still says the same as it said LAST week, 24 lbs. which takes me from my start weight of 308 down to 284..When I look at it that way, I guess it's not so bad... I guess I just don't feel much different yet...People see it but it's not really a wow thing, it's an "oh I can see it coming off in your face"....WHOOPY..I guess I should stop it with my complaining and be very thankful like my boyfriend always tells me I should be...But it's an everyday struggle...Well as far as my eating has been, I don't think I've been eating too much of the right stuff...First off, I have been EXTREMELY BAD with my protein and I stress all day everyday about it.. I am just really broke these days to be honest and a 52.00 jug of protein just is not in the budget right now..So what I have been trying to do is to eat as much protein as I can...I try to eat lots of meat, fish and eggs...Any chance I get I try to get some protein in..As far as what I'm eating I'm eating pretty much anything I can get my hands on (within reason). I stay away from alot of sugar, I'm not snacking on chips or cookies, I do try to eat as healthy as I can on my present budget...This month has been very tight with my recent move and my boyfriends job change, so I have not been able to go out and buy the best things, but they will come...I am also beginning to feel guilty about not starting a serious exercise program yet...That I have really no excuse for, I just lack motivation.. I have a gym in my new complex and one at my job...I really need to jump on that because I have already experienced my first plateau..This week I have not lost one pound!!!! I am still at the 24lbs I was at last week...So I really need to get on the ball... I really want to make a splash this summer, because here in Atlanta things are ALREADY heating up...Plus my boyfreind seems to think I'm going to let him look better than me this summer...That I can't let happen, even if he is already in shape and 9 years younger than me...lol..At any rate everyone pray for me on my journey, that I stay positive and continue to make positive changes in my life. Not just with my weightloss but on every forefront, as I prayed to the lord before my surgery, "Lord I want to made WHOLE"...So continue to pray for me that my pie is made whole....
Jae Baby.....
I think I am addicted to OH.. All I do it come to this site and read countless stories about all the journeys...It's 5:19 am and I've been on since about 3am. Not to mention, I was on at work all day, came home about 7:30 and fell asleep on here at about 11pm(reluctantly, but I just couldn't stay up any longer). So now I need to get back to sleep for an hour or so, so I can get to work for 9am and get back on the site...Sounds like an addiction if I've ever heard of one. LOL...Check back with you soon...
Jae Baby...
August 12, 2006
It's now Saturday 10:33am...I have been up since 6am, doing what else? Where else? I just sit on the site looking at all the wonderful transformations, wishing, hoping and praying that one day I too will be a success story....I try to imagine myself 100lbs. lighter and how my whole life would TOTALLY be changed...
The way I feel about my current weight is truly indiscribable...I believe that I am beautiful right now, at this very moment...But I don't know why I feel like until I lose weight, no one else will ever see my beauty...And it's not even the outside that is the biggest issue, it's what it represents...It's what it's become of me...Which really in essence is not who I am at all...I don't know if that just made any sense to anyone, but it's the way I truly feel.
Jae Baby..
August 23, 2006
Well today was an emotional day for me...I had a group consultation with doctor Smith...It was mostly a confirmation of what I had already researched on my own...I actually broke tears becuase all of a sudden I realized just how bad I need this surgery...It's been pins and needles for me not having a response from his office yet as to whether I've been accepted as a candidate...I cannot see any possible reason why I wouldn't be except my condition of Polycystic kidney disease...I just hope and pray that this isn't a henderance....So keep me in your prayers on this journey...I hope to post again soon...OH YEAH, I'm NOW A NEW GOD MOMMY TO A BOUNCING BABY BOY!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday BABY DAVIE D....
Jae Baby...
August 24, 2006
Wow, is it me or did everyone else on here get igged when they first put up their page? I keep reading all these pages with people talking about their huge support they've had and all their angels and all...But not one person has even said hello...Well this insn't the first time I've been alone in my endeavors and I'm sure it won't be the last.....But I'll keep writing to myself, so I can look back and see my own thoughts throughout my journey...
Jae Baby...
August 27, 2006
Well today is Sunday and I have to say that this weekend SUCKS BIG TIME!!! I am such an emotional MESS..My boyfriend no called no showed on Friday for a date he promised me and now is pretty much blowing it off as no big deal...He basically told me that I was becoming a burdon to him. Let me share with you a bit of history..Back in April I was just beginning my externship for medical assisting. The same day I was interviewed at this doctors' office, my car was stolen from in front of my door. A week later is was recovered but the thieves had blown my engine....I was(AM STILL) so hurt because I worked really hard to make that car a reallity...I had been without a car for 7 months prior and had finally gained back my independance when some EVIL person snuffed that from me...Needless to say, I only carried liability on my car because I payed cash for it(never in a million years thought someone would STEAL it) So now I have been without a car since April '06...Now, ever since then my boyfriend has had to come to me..Or let me borrow his truck(total gas guzzler) when I needed to run an errond...So in the past couple of months he has slacked off GREATLY in the amount of time and attention he spends with me..Basically because I don't have a car I'm putting a strain on our relationship is what he told me...I just feel like that is an ultimate slap in the face because the was through no fault of my own that I'm in this situation...Or maybe it is...Maybe I really am not worthy of EVER being happy...It would really be nice if my life could just flow...It's always so interrupted by bullshit...And heartache...Now I have a man that I thought would be around forever basically allienating me because well, because I HAVE NOT....I have nothing to offer him but myself, which is obviously not enough...So now, I'm just really hurt and feel so worthless as a person and this weight just puts the icing on a FALLEN cake...
Jae Baby..
September 7, 2006
Well everyone I just wanted to update and let everyone know that I have finally gotten word that I was accepted as a candidate by Dr. Smith(well duh, that didn't take a rocket science to figure out) which took WAY much longer than it should have. However now I am awaiting the packet letting me know all the hoops the doctor will be requesting me to jump through...Pray for me that everything contiues to go well...I am so consumed and feel so overwhelmed these days...I am always on edge and am very emotional..I have cried probably 10 times in the last 2 weeks...Well that's it for now, I will keep you posted.
Jae Baby..
September 14, 2006
Well I finally got my second packet today from Doctor Smiths' office. It has a lot of info...There are so many things I need to do now...It seems as if I will never finish this task...I don't really have a primary care physician, so I really am not sure how to go about all of this..I am a little overwhelmed right now, but I'll have to sift through this tomorrow...Also, if anyone out there is a patient of Dr. Smiths' and have used his list of doctors', typically how long was the wait for these appointments? So if anyone has any helpful info I would greatly appreciate you sharing with me what you know...Until then, peace and many blessings to all....
Jae Baby..
Sunday September 17, 2006
Today is a sad day for me. I feel so alone I can't even describe. As I read all the profiles I am not finding myself inspired anymore..Not because the transformations are not amazing, but I realize how very empty my life really is. Even the pre-op stories. I am so alone in my journey. I have no support, no children that need me, no one that would even give a damn if I died on the table. I do have family but we are all so distant, not in miles but just in the way that we lead our lives...And my friends all have lives and loves of their own, no one wants to be bothered...I'm getting to the point that I HATE the weekends because when I'm at work it's the only time I'm not alone...Every other waking moment of my life I spend alone...And I supposedly have a boyfriend...And I'm not even really down about my weight, in fact weight has nothing really to do with my present state. I don't know how such an open funfilled, loving, caring, person could be so alone...I just don't understand this..So I sit here crying because there seems as if there is nothing in life better for me to do at this moment....
September 24, 2006
Well today I thought I'd update. I've been so depressed lately I haven't felt like doing much of anything. I'll just make this short and simple. I made my first two appointments for Oct. 3 for my Psych-eval. and for my pulmonology. So I'm getting there slowly but surely...
October 1, 2006
Well today is my birthday, and one of the most saddest depressing days of my life... I spent the ENTIRE day alone in bed crying and wishing I was no longer on the planet... It really sucks being me...That's all....
October 8, 2006
Well, I have had my psych-eval. and have seen my pulmonologist... I've gotten the GREEN light from the psychiatrist. He was a bit weird, but he was very easy to talk to. My pulmonologist was very nice as well. She made an appointment for me to have my sleep study done on the 16th of October. So now more than likely I'll be sleeping with a C-PAP machine...WHATEVER. I just want this to become a reality...I am still trying to figure out how I will be able to afford the out of pocket expenses, and move into my new place as well... I am probably one of the brokest persons ever to have this surgery, lol... But I am determined to make it happen...It seems like it's so far away or impossible, but I know it's going to happen... I need something good to happen in my life for a change.. I have been dealing with so much heartache and self doubt, I can hardly see straight from all the tears that constantly flow... I am an emotional wreck. But I have to keep telling myself that it has to get better...And if it doesn't...I QUIT!!!!!!!!! So everyone keep me in their prayers, I need all that I can get...Until next time...
Jae Baby
October 19, 2006
Well I have completed all my appointments except for my nutritionist. I have seen my pulmonologist, done my sleep study, had my blood drawn, and had my gall bladder ultrasound. So I am moving right along. I am still getting over my broken heart. My ex is not making this easy for me. He still continues to call me and act like everything is ok when he has hurt me more than anyone ever has in my life... It's very painful. I spend a lot of time crying, wishing I had never met him. Sometimes I think I hate him, and every other man that walks the earth. I hate him for making me feel that way...He has taken so much of my own spirit from me, that I don't even know if I'll ever get it back. Anyway, back to my surgery.... I have paid my 200.00 admin. fee for my doctors' office to go ahead and process my paperwork and submit it to the insurance company...So it's pins and needles from here...Everyone just keep me in your prayers, I need all I can get. I will come back and post in a few days...Hopefully I will have a date soon...
October 22, 2006
I am on my way. I have completed all but my consult with my nutritionist which is set for the 25th of Oct. I also have a follow up on the same day with my pulmonologist over my sleep study results..I spoke with Denise at Dr. Smiths' office and she asked me to compose a letter stating who would be my support system after my surgery. I've gotten that out of the way and will be faxing that over tomorrow. I am waiting to get a letter of support from my PCP, hopefully by Wednesday I'll have gotten a letter sent over. I also am hoping to finally discuss a date and also what all of this is going to cost me out of pocket. I really don't have a lot of money and there are so many things I need to do. I am hoping that my calculations of around $1600.00 is correct...Let's see what else is going on in my life..Well I'm still crying daily over the person I thought was my soul mate, come to find out he's still goo goo ga ga over his ex...Just my luck. But what I do know is that I am a GREAT woman, and he is OUT OF HIS MIND for leaving me...But it still hurts...So with all of that said, I am healing a little everyday. Keep me in your prayers, I hope to be having this surgery by the end of this year.... I wish you all well...
October 28, 2006
Well I have seen my nutritionist and my PCP sent a letter of recommendation. I missed my followup appointment with my Pulmonologist, so I rescheduled for Monday, the 30th. After that, it's time to plead my case to the insurance company...I am still trying to make some sense of my break-up with my boyfriend. I am still hurting so much, I have to use all the fiber in my being not to cry every second of the day... I cannot describe to anyone how deep this wound is in my heart...I have made the choice NEVER to fall or be in love again. I can never feel this way again... I can barely function daily, it's so emotionally crippling.So just keep me in your prayers, I don't think God really listens to me, so maybe he'll listen to you....
November 3, 2006
WELL EVERYONE, I'VE GOT A DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Sugery has been tentatively scheduled for December 20th.. This will be my best Christmas EVER!!!!!!!!!!! I just hope and pray that everything continues to go well. Now my biggest hurdle is raising the funds to pay the out of pocket expenses. I am worried about how I am going to do so many things...But I have come this far, I just refuse that God is not going to make a way for this to finally happen...Right now I'm still a little in shock and it hasn't quite sunk in just yet, that this time next year I could be at least 100lbs lighter...That is UNBELIEVABLE...ME? Now I have to convince myself that I deserve it.
January 4, 2007
Happy NEW YEAR everyone....Wow, it's been a while since I've been on here... Alot has happened...One of them WASN'T my surgery. My surgery did not happen on the 27th as planned. For more than one reason. I got sick the week right before Christmas, I didn't have the out of pocket expense money I was supposed to have and last but not least, my approval letter did not come until 2 days after my surgery date...I've moved out of my apartment to conserve and save for my surgery. I have RESCHEDULED my surgery for VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!!!!!! This time, it's GOING TO HAPPEN..... I don't care what I have to do, it's going to happen....I apologize to everyone who has sent me well wishes, thinking that I finally crossed over, but I was just too depressed to get on and say anything...I am feeling better now and am looking forward to Valentines day for the first time in life...
January 30, 2007
Well everyone, my time is winding down!!!!! I am 15 days away from my BIG day.... I can't believe this is FINALLY going to happen... I got my lab results back, some of them sound great and the others I really don't understand. But hopefully all will fall in line. I am excited and a little nervous. I seem to be on edge on a constant basis just hoping that everything goes as planned. I have so many goals and aspirations.... I really want to be healthy more than anything. Or be able to sleep without SNORING. I hate that my new "Friend" and I have to sleep in separate rooms because of it... I also look forward to being able to shop anywhere I want and not in the GRANDMA section of the store. There are so many things I just can't wait to be able to do... But most of all, I just want to be FREE.... So going into this life altering change, EVERYONE, please keep me in your prayers...See you all on the other side....
Jae Baby..
February 10, 2007
Well everyone, there's been YET ANOTHER SET back... Well remember Mr. Wonderful who broke my heart back at the end of the year, well we've managed to remain freinds and in the beginning of January shortly after I decided on a new reschedule date, he called me one morning on the way to work telling me that he really knows how much this surgery means to me and all along he has been saving for my big day and that he would be giving it to me by the end of January. Well folks, I should have listened to good Ol' Beyonce, when she said, "Me Myself and I is all I got, and I know that I will never disappoint myself..." To make a long story short, he spent the money he was to gift to me and told me 3 days before I was due have the money in to the Dr. and his assistant.... CAN YOU SAY MAD?????????????? HURT??? EMBARRASSED??? DISAPPOINTED???? Well I'll say them for you, I was all of the above and didn't know how to tell my doctors office so I followed through with all my necessary appointments hoping for a miracle which never happened (only for some people, but never to me) So now I'm in limbo til Monday... My doctors office policy is that ALL out of pocket expenses MUST BE PAID PRIOR TO SERVICES RENDERED...So that means I'm in line again for another date...I am so mad I could spit bullets. But at who? I'm the STUPID one for trusting someone else and I take FULL resposibility for that...With that being said, keep me in your prayers, it seems to work better for me when someone else is doing the praying, I don't think he here's me too well, but none the less I do believe it works and I know that is changes things.... I am moving forward and I do thank God for not letting me hit rock bottom with this last ordeal.. I really thought I would just give up and die if this did not go through, but God has given me some new found strength and I thank him for that. I just need more faith, and I'lll continue to ask God for that. I just thought to myself yesturday on my long commute back home from my doctors office yesturday, " You know you are so stupid not to see the blessings that happen right in front of you, and why do you continue to doubt God even though he has brought you through every situation that you've been in?" Then my totally illogical brain kicks in and says to me, " Cause God don't love you, he loves your MAMA and you just happen to reep the benefits".....lol I know that was a little twisted but that was a smidget of what goes on in the mind of Jae baby....Perhaps I'm crazy and I just don't know it yet...lol But none the less, I am determined to have this surgery, even if it kills me....Now ya'll are seeing it on here and it is listed on my life insurance, MY MAMA TAKES THE BANK IF I DIE....lol. But that is the truth, so no one else can lay claims on the insurance money, my mama is the only one who truly deserves it...All $20.00 of it, lol.... But anyway hopefully through all of your prayers, this won't happen, but I really at this point want this so bad I'm willing to die on that table...So with that being said, keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I'll keep you posted of the seemingly never ending saga...
Jae Baby..
February 14, 2007
Another surgery date has come that I have had to reschedule. I have rescheduled my surgery YET AGAIN to February 22nd. I'll keep you posted....
Jae Baby...
February 16, 2007
Hello Everyone...I am happy to announce everything is finally on track!!!!!!!! Yesturday Mr. Wonderful (my ex) came to my job with 15 crisp 100 dollar bills in his hand as promised....I am so happy and tense all at the same time..So now finally my surgery is in 6 days...Now I can fiannly be excited and nervous about what I should be excited and nervous about... So this morning I am going in for my PATT, hopefully all goes well with that... Please continue to keep me in your prayers, I am hoping to be moving into my new apartment before my surgery. It is close to my doctor and to my job, right now I am staying with my brother who seems to think I am his child with a 10pm curfew...Not to mention, I can't have company and can't touch the walls amongst a host of other unspoken rules, lol... But hopefully I am approved at this new place before my surgery date, which isn't very long.
Jae Baby...
February 21, 2007
Well today is the day before I cross over... I am getting very nervous and I feel like my wheels are just spinning. There are some last minute things I need to get out of the way like getting my ADEK vitamins, packing for my stay and calling all my friends and family. I also am just spinning my wheels making a decision on my protein suppliments. Over the weekend I went to GNC and was really not amazed with what was out there..Either the area I went in was very limited or the pickin's are just really slim.. I did find some of the brands that were recommended, however they were not in the flavors I would prefer...I don't know, for some strange reason it feels like my body is preparing itself for the surgery in the way that in this past week I have began to experience a lot of the things that happens to WLS patients post-op. I have been having strange LOUD stomach sounds, I've been nautious, having irritible bowels, and my tastes just are not the same. I have also noticed that my smell has changed, I can't smell things too well for some reason..So I don't know what that's all about but hopefully this week has somewhat prepared me for what is to come. At any rate, I am so nervous about getting this dag blasted PICC line in.. No one seems to tell me the truth about what it really feels like, so I just keep imagining it to be horrific.. If it's anything as painful as getting a cyst lanced I'm going to faint...That was an excruciating pain. Speaking of PICC line, I don't have the slightest clue as to what time today I am due to have my PICC line in. I think it's today but I'm not sure...Oh well, I think I'm beginning to ramble, so with that being said I'll talk to you guys one more time before I hit the OR...Keep me in your prayers, and hopefully I will see you on the other side very soon...
Jae Baby..
March 6, 2006
Well everyone I've made it to the losing side!!!! I am doing very well and as of my first post-op visit on Friday, I am 14lbs down already....Not bad at all for one week...I don't have a scale but I'm sure that may have changed by now...However I am doing great with gas being my only complication... I was held an extra day in the hospital because I was bloated so much that I wasn't able to put anything else down so my doctor held me until he felt I would get in substantial liquid intake. Other than that, I have been recovering well. I have not been on any pain meds since 2 days before I was released from the hospital, and am not taking any meds. I have not done well at all on my PROTEIN, (BAD, BAD, BAD) but I seem to have a problem deciding(I'm such a LIBRA) which suppliment to take...Everything seems to smell so horrible...Plus it seems like it's just impossible to drink so much on top of all of the liquid and food I have to consume. It's a job just eating everyday...So I'm working on a regimine. Other than that, I think everything else is going quite well... Of course I still don't see any changes, but I'm sure they are still happening. I don't have a scale so I really can't monitor anything right now...But as always keep me in your prayers I will post again soon....
Jae Baby..
March 24, 2007
Hello everyone...Well I know it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted but I have been in transition moving in my new place and I just got my internet service back up and running..I am doing very well, I have now lost a total of 24lbs and it has already made a month post-op 2 days ago for me..My how the time does fly. I still am having trouble really seeing anything and sometimes I think in the back of my mind "I wonder if this is all I will ever lose, I still look just as fat as I did last month".... I was hoping to have hit 30lbs down by now, but the dumb scale at the gym at work still says the same as it said LAST week, 24 lbs. which takes me from my start weight of 308 down to 284..When I look at it that way, I guess it's not so bad... I guess I just don't feel much different yet...People see it but it's not really a wow thing, it's an "oh I can see it coming off in your face"....WHOOPY..I guess I should stop it with my complaining and be very thankful like my boyfriend always tells me I should be...But it's an everyday struggle...Well as far as my eating has been, I don't think I've been eating too much of the right stuff...First off, I have been EXTREMELY BAD with my protein and I stress all day everyday about it.. I am just really broke these days to be honest and a 52.00 jug of protein just is not in the budget right now..So what I have been trying to do is to eat as much protein as I can...I try to eat lots of meat, fish and eggs...Any chance I get I try to get some protein in..As far as what I'm eating I'm eating pretty much anything I can get my hands on (within reason). I stay away from alot of sugar, I'm not snacking on chips or cookies, I do try to eat as healthy as I can on my present budget...This month has been very tight with my recent move and my boyfriends job change, so I have not been able to go out and buy the best things, but they will come...I am also beginning to feel guilty about not starting a serious exercise program yet...That I have really no excuse for, I just lack motivation.. I have a gym in my new complex and one at my job...I really need to jump on that because I have already experienced my first plateau..This week I have not lost one pound!!!! I am still at the 24lbs I was at last week...So I really need to get on the ball... I really want to make a splash this summer, because here in Atlanta things are ALREADY heating up...Plus my boyfreind seems to think I'm going to let him look better than me this summer...That I can't let happen, even if he is already in shape and 9 years younger than me...lol..At any rate everyone pray for me on my journey, that I stay positive and continue to make positive changes in my life. Not just with my weightloss but on every forefront, as I prayed to the lord before my surgery, "Lord I want to made WHOLE"...So continue to pray for me that my pie is made whole....
Jae Baby.....
