Chris G.

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Since I talked to the nurse and started believing that I'm going to get the letter and actually get approved, my mind has started thinking negative thoughts.  

Suddenly, I'm scared.  I'm afraid that something will go wrong and I'll leave my daughters without a mother.  

I'm afraid that everything will go great, but I'll be terribly sick for months or have a blockage or something wont' heal right. 

I'm afraid that nothing at all will be a problem, but I'll regret what I've done and be sad.  

I'm afraid that I won't feel safe if I don't have this fat all over my body....like being thinner will make me vulnerable somehow.  

I'm afraid that nothing will change....I'll be thinner, but my inner-most thoughts and feelings will remain as they always have.  What if losing lots of weight doesn't make me happier?  Not that I'm terribly unhappy now, but what if I go thru it all and feel no different?  

I know this is all normal.  I'd be foolish NOT to have these thoughts.  These thoughts only prove that I'm really thinking about what I'm doing and not just jumping blindly into a life altering decision.  I feel good knowing that I'm wise enough to really know what I'm doing.  

Today, I ordered myself two books.  WLS for Dummies, and another one with a title like "The REAL deal with WLS " that's "told" by people who have been there and done that.  We're going on vacation over Easter and I plan to read them cover to cover.  I'm sure it will help ease my mind a little. 

My PCP's old nurse (she left for several months) has come back to the office and she called me today!  She told me that she'd write my letter and stick it in front of the doctor to sign!!  Her exact words were, "consider it done".  

I'm crazy with excitement.  To think that this could finally be happening.....it just blows my mind.  

:::raving dance of joy:::

Still no reply from my former PCP.  I don't know if she's done anything or not....but I'm guessing not.  

I did see my new PCP last night and talked to her about the whole thing.  She's not at all supportive of the surgery.  Of course, she's never been fat and is Indian.  I don't think Indian people have too much trouble with obesity, so I don't think she truly appreciates where I'm coming from.  

She told me that if I couldnt' get the letter from old pcp, and I wanted to persue the surgery, I'd have to do six months of Weight Watchers and keep detailed records for her to examine, and then she'd go ahead and write me the letter.  She also told me to ask Dr. Moon's office if they would do it.  Because I have the special circumstance of having lost all medical records in the flood, it's possible that they would.  

I'm giving old pcp two more days and if I don't hear from her by Friday, I'll make an appointment to see her.  If I can sit down with her, I think I can get her to write the damn thing.  

It pisses me off that BC/BS even needs a letter.  It's so ridiculous.  Medicare and Medicaid people don't need anything other than the surgeon saying they qualify for surgery.   Ugh. 

I decided to be open with a few family members and tell them that I had the consult for the surgery.  The negativity has begun already.  

My brother (who has never been overweight) sent me a long e-mail basically saying that he thinks I'll be completely miserable if I can't stuff my face.  He pointed out that all social activities and celebrations revolve around food and that I'm going to be very sad when I can't enjoy myself.  

He thinks that I'll regret it because I'll lose the pleasure that I get from food and if I don't have that pleasure I'm going to become depressed and angry and go into a downward spiral.  

(I do have a history of depression, but it's well controlled with the right meds) 

I wrote back and explained to him that I realize what I'm giving up and I'm prepared to do it.  I tried to make him understand that the surgery won't take food away from me completely (after the initial month or so of liquid that is) and that the whole goal is to learn to live a life that is free from getting too much pleasure from food.  

Of course, since he put those thoughts in my head, now I'm having my doubts.  Am I really ready to give up all the things I love?  Will the reward of getting thinner and feeling better make it all worthwhile?  Will I be sorry that I did this?  

All normal thoughts and feelings, I know.  I have at least two or three months to ride this rollercoaster, and it's only going to get worse as surgery approaches.  I need to just "keep my eyes on the prize" and deal with it. 

I met with Dr. Moon this morning and it was great.  He's so warm and sincere.  I was instantly at ease with him.  He spent a full 90 minutes with us, explained everything about all the different types of WLS and offered his opinions about them.  We all agree that the LAP-RNY is the right choice for me.  

He made me feel like I'm an excellent candidate for the surgery.  I have no health issues other than high cholesterol and mild apnea.  My BMI is "only" (he said that and it made me laugh) 43, and I'm strong and healthy overall.  

When we were done, I felt perfectly calm and confident with my decision.  I know I'm doing the right thing.  

I went ahead and set up my intake appointments.  I'll be going to the group appointment on April 25th and the individual one on May 1st.  Once those are done, I'll see Dr. Moon one more time, and then we'll schedule surgery.  If all goes well, I could be "on the losing side" by June.  

Dr. Moon did tell me that he expects LAP-RNY patients to lose at least ten pounds prior to surgery, strictly for safety reasons...the whole shrinking of the insides, etc.  

He also told me that I will have to get back to my former PCP and get her to write me that letter.  BC/BS requires it and there's nothing he can do about it.  So, tomorrow I'll begin that battle again.   If I have to stage a sit-in in her office, I'll do it.  

My husband liked Dr. Moon too and he asked him lots of questions while we were there.  It was great to have him involved and now I know that he really gets it. 

Tomorrow morning at 8:45 is my consult with Dr. Moon.  My husband is coming with me and he's not even being snarky about any of this.  I think he's genuinely interested in learning about the surgery and supporting me if I decide to go through with it.  

My husband is a large man and he's struggled with his weight for most of his life too.  When I was pregnant with Girl #1 he lost 110 pounds on Weight Watchers.  He got so thin that people thought he had cancer or something.  

Of course, he gained every pound back...and then some.  I worry about him more than I worry about myself.  He's 44 years old and is carrying around at least 150 more pounds than he should be.  I would be thrilled if he decided to have the surgery too.  

It will be very interesting to hear what Dr. Moon has to say and whether or not I leave there knowing that I want to do this or leave there scared to death to go through with it.  As of right now, I want to do it.  Let's see what tomorrow brings. 

After five months of being ignored by my primary, I finally started seeing a new one.  I also heard that there was new doctor in with McKane and Cole who is doing LAP-RNY, so I called and made an appointment with him.  I'll be seeing Dr. Moon on Wednesday, next week!  I'm all a-twitter with excitment that something is FINALLY happening!  

My friend who had the surgery two years ago (with McKane) has the same insurance I do and she had her approval within two weeks of the consult.  The idea that I could have my surgery by summer is just amazing to me.  

You know what got me moving again?  Greek Peak.  I take my kids there to ski every week and this week when I was checking the conditions I decided to look up lessons for myself.  I realized that I would have to tell several people how much I weigh in order to get the proper equipment.  I could do that....but I really don't want to.  I decided then that it was time to get this ball moving again.  Next year, when the kids are skiing, I want to be doing something other than sitting in the tavern, eating bar food and watching longingly out the window.  

Since this is the new format, I'll just cut and paste what I had already posted up to today.....



July 11, 2006

Got my packet from Dr. Macenas. Took an hour to fill it out. Very thought provoking stuff.

Called my insurance company today. Inquired about the lap-banding. Customer service girl had no idea what I meant. "You mean gastric bypass?" No, it's different. "Let me put you on hold for a second while I look it up" Ten minutes later she still wasn't back on the line so I hung up.

Found a written policy explanation on the website (Excellus Blue Cross Blue Shield) that details all their policies regarding WLS. Lap-Band is considered investigational so they don't automatically approve it....but they also don't automatically say no. They can be persuaded. OTH, they have no problem at all with bypass of any kind. Also the duodenal switch...I haven't read about that one...off to do that now.

August 15th, 2006......

Finally spoke to Rhonda at Dr. M's office. Her only response to my packet was that I will need to begin the six month supervised diet with my GP and call back when I'm about four months into it. She wasn't very pleasant and it sort of annoyed me. I'm going to call my GP tomorrow and ask her if she can write me a letter about this because she has "supervised" my weight issues for more than two years. Why should we have to do it for another six months? I don't know. I also sought out a second opinion from another doctor and she basically told me that if I haven't been successful with weight loss and I'm prepared for the drastic change in lifestyle then I should move ahead with the surgery.

Also, my GP and insurance company have both declared that the lap-band is not a good choice. They say RNY or nothing. So, if I'm going to do this it's going to be RNY. I've sort of resigned myself to it.

Got weighed at the doctor's tonight and I was 272. God, I hate that number. I hate my body. I hate the way it feels. I hate being 28lbs shy of 300. I just hate everything about being fat and the way it makes me feel. There is something inside of me that will never, ever let me love myself as long as I'm fat. I will always feel disgusted about myself as long as I'm a fat woman. Always.


AUGUST 19TH, 2006

Did my sleep study last night. It sucked. I just could not sleep and spent the whole night tossing and turning and getting twisted up in all of those damned wires. I don't think I slept more than two hours of the nine that I was there. I'll get the report from them in about two weeks.

My GP called me about the letter that I'll need for insurance. Unfortunately my entire medical record was destroyed in the flood, so she has nothing to go by. She wants me to come and see her in a couple of weeks and we'll "rebuild" some of my history together. I'm pretty sure she'll still write me a letter...she just needs some facts/dates from me first.

I've begun a new med for the depression...so now I'm taking two instead of one. So far it really seems to be helping. I feel better all around. Thank God, because it was getting pretty hard to live with.

I've stepped out of the closet and told a few people that I'm considering WLS. Most of them have been surprised and skeptical. I've heard more than one, "You're not that big! Why would you do that?" I don't tell people how much I weigh, but I do tell them that I need to lose over one hundred pounds. That usually makes their jaws drop. Guess I must hide some of this fat fairly well.

September 24, 2006

I've been away from here for awhile! It's been so busy with the kids returning to school. My husband coaches football, daughter runs cross country, I work full time, and we're never home!

I had appointments with my GP twice in the last month and both times her office called to reschedule me. Finally, this week I got fed up and just sat down and wrote her out a complete history of all the details she should need in order to write me a letter. I'm hoping she'll respond quickly. I contacted BC/BS myself and they said that all I need is the letter from her in order for them to approve me.

I finally got the results of my sleep study. Yes, I do have apnea. It's not horrible, but they do want me to come in and do a second study with a CPAP machine. Yet one more reason to get this damn weight off.

When football is over and I don't have to race to get my girls in the evenings I plan to return to the Tuesday night meetings up at Wilson hospital I'm looking forward to it.

The combination of the anti-depressants has been a miracle. I feel fantastic. Makes me realize just how horrible I was feeling for the past year and a half. I'll never let it go that long again without seeking help.

So...I'm still playing the waiting game, but maybe I'll have some good news in the next few weeks.