Jen's Mom

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It is hard to believe it has been three years since I started this journey. And, the past 12 months have flown by. My weight fluctuates between 160 and 165. I feel I am right about where I should be. My lowest was 151, which was really too thin. I had people commenting about how thin my face looked, and my friends admit that back then I was looking kind of gaunt. I look healthy and am wearing a size 12. I am fine where I am, especially since I am not really watching what I am eating - just trying to make sure I get protein, etc., and taking my vitamins, etc. Isn't that the best way to live life? I never started this journey to be "thin" - just to be healthy. And, I think that is where I am. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds just to have a little room in my pants, but if this is where I stay I am okay with that.

Things are going well - dd is now 14 and a freshman in high school. Dh is busy with work, which is good and I am very grateful for all that our family has been blessed with. My friends and family are all healthy and we just celebrated a wonderful Christmas. I am still perpetually cold, but I just add a sweater and I am fine.

The DS is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I really can hardly even remember what life was like before surgery. Selective memory maybe? Or, maybe just healing...

Well, it's been awhile. Life just keeps happening for me. As I get further out from my surgery it seems life just keeps expanding, which is great. I feel great, I look good, and I am still so happy with my decision to have wls.

Weight loss is steady - my weight is still hovering between 151 and 155 for the most part. I pretty much eat what I want and I keep baking and my family keeps eating (including me) so hopefully I can maintain until after Christmas and all the goodies are eaten. I do still try to eat protein as much as I can, but the carbs have been hard to avoid as I am far enough out now that the white breads & pastas don't negatively affect me as much. I have to be careful now. That's okay.

That's it. Still loving my DS! :)

This morning I weighed 151. That is a total loss of 153 pounds since surgery back in April of 2006. This is my lowest weight so far. I am comfortably fitting into a size 8 jean (might even be able to go lower, but I don't want them too tight due to the "muffin top" that I have). And, I really don't want to go any lower with my weight so I need to be careful with this. I still have a lot of excess skin, and lately I've been thinking a bit more about looking into whether insurance would pay or not. I have a rash on one side where my skin hangs a bit and it itches a lot. I don't know if that would be enough to qualify me.  

I feel great, I look good (well, as good as a person could look who has this excess skin) and my confidence level keeps growing. I am still so happy with this surgery and its result. What I wasn't prepared for was how it would affect my life. Even when people told me, I still didn't actually realize the depth of the change. It goes into the deepest levels - down to the soul. It has essentially changed who I am - as hard as I tried to prevent that. I guess it was inevitable.

Things are going great. I've lost 150 pounds in 16 months - I NEVER would have believed pre-op that I was going to be SUCCESSFUL with this. Amazing. I've gone from a size 32/4x to a size 10. I feel great. I had a big WOW over the weekend, someone I hadn't seen in 13 years didn't recognize me at first, but when he did, after he picked his jaw up off the ground, he said, "My God - You're HOT!" ha ha. That made my day (hell, who am I kidding, that made my YEAR!). It took 40 years to hear those words - makes me start to think that MAYBE I really AM pretty? It is tough to battle those "inner voices" I've listened to for so many years and I think I can honestly say that just MAYBE the positive voice is beginning to win out. Could it be that those stares and looks from people that I get occasionally are NOW because I am attractive looking (instead of those looks of disgust and dismay that I remember all too well). Hard to wrap my head around that. For anyone reading this who is pre-op - I can't guarantee that you will be 100 percent successful (as that is up to YOU), but I can tell you that if I can do it - ANYONE can!

Wow...its been a month since I posted. I always heard others say that as you lose the weight you go on with living your life and post less often. I'd say that's the case. I had a intestinal virus over the weekend and lost some weight due to that, otherwise I would only have a 1 pound loss for the month. I weighed 154 yesterday, which puts me at a total loss of 150 pounds in 15 months. I will guess that I weighed about 156 on my actual anniversary (July 6th).

Life is good. I think I am looking too thin in the face. WE'll see what happens - maybe I'll have a bit of a bounce sometime soon which is fine. Just as long as it isn't more than 10 pounds, I'll be okay with it.

Another little wow yesterday. I saw a friend of my daughter's for the first time in about 6 months or so. She looked at me and her eyes got really wide and she said "Man, you look different!" I smiled, chuckled and said "Yes, I've lost a lot of weight." She said, "Yeahh....you look so, so, so TINY!" Me - Tiny? Wow!

Also my boss operates out of an office in a different state and he sent me a package of corporate logo items, including a fleece jacket and a t-shirt. I got them out of the box and looked at them and thought - a medium - is he crazy? Why in the world did he send a medium - he hasn't seen me in person since January. Well, I tried them on and they fit. Wow! A medium!

I just want to say publicly, for the record, that I firmly believe in my friend, Jesus, and I owe all that I am to Him - he put all of what makes me ME into me. I KNOW that God exists - there are too many miracles present in my life that support it and I will breathe my last breath on this earth believing... 

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, 
    maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. 
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, 
    eternally begotten of the Father, 
    God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, 
    begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. 
    Through him all things were made. 
    For us men and for our salvation he came down from heaven
    by the power of the Holy Spirit 
    he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man.
    For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;
    he suffered, died, and was buried.
    On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures;
    he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
    He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead,
    and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, 
    who proceeds from the Father and the Son. 
    With the Father and the Son he is worshipped and glorified. 
    He has spoken through the Prophets. 
    We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church. 
    We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. 
    We look for the resurrection of the dead, 
    and the life of the world to come.

AMEN!

I lost another pound on Friday June 1st, so today is my offical 14 month update and I weigh 157 - a loss of 4 pounds for my 14th month (a loss of 147 pounds since surgery). I started at 304 - and what a trip it's been.

Over the weekend my dd had a softball tournament and it was hawaiian themed and each team decorated their dugout hawaiian style (for a prize). Everyone wore grass skirts, etc., and my dh coaches so I help, etc. The moms were all decorating and getting everthing ready and they were gathered around looking at a grass skirt. One of them yells - it will work for Heidi - she's small enough for it - it won't fit anyone else that's left. I looked at it and said "no way - are you crazy - that won't fit me" and they all looked at me very puzzled like I was crazy. They showed me - and it fit - and I was amazed - I am really that little? Wow. NEVER thought I would have ever heard my name associated with fitting into something too small for everyone else. That blew my mind...

The scale ready 158 this morning...the wow's just keep coming!!! Down 146 pounds so far....

Well, I've been having a bit of anxiety lately. About 5 weeks ago I went to the podiatrist because I was having trouble with my feet. (see earlier blog entry) and while I was there (after they told me I needed to have surgery on my feet) I asked about a spot on the nail of my big toe that was odd. I thought it was maybe a fungus or something. It was an odd shaped black spot that took up probably 1/3 of my nail. Well, they told me that it could be blood under the nail, or it could be Melanoma. Yikes! They said they could go ahead and take the nail off and do a biopsy then, or wait a month and see if it changes. I opted to wait a month. They took pics and I went home and put nail polish on so I wouldn't obsess over it. The morning of mother's day I took the polish off and it scared me to death. Not only did it not grow out with the nail, but it seemed to be closer to the nail base. So, of course I thought the worse - thought I was dying of Melanoma. I got online and looked up all the gruesome and scary details. I cried off and on all day - obviously when nobody else was around. I was scared. I called Monday morning and they couldn't get me in until later that week. I went in and they had to refer me to another doctor to check it out. I went today and they went ahead and took off about 1/3 of the nail to check to see what was underneath. I am a big baby - wahhh. Anyway, the good news is that ther was nothing under the nail in the nail bed - so no Melanoma!!!! It was just a collection of blood  - I must have dropped something on it - Ihave had the spot for 5 months or so, so it is kind odd. Good news. Now, I just need to stop thinking that bad things are going to happen for me. When will I ever get my head on straight?

Geesh...it feels like it has been raining forever here. I can't wait to see the sun again.

My 13 month anniversary was May 4th - I THINK I weighed 161 then - but it could have been lower because when I weighed myself I had already eaten breakfast. But, we'll go with 161 since I didn't officially "see" a lower weight.

I still need to get my 12 month labs & appointment done - I just have been busy. I will, I promise. I also have needed to get my first mammogram done since last October - and I haven't done that, either. 

I did, however, finally update our adoptive profile & photos. That was good - and a long time in the making. No wonder we've never been picked by a birthmom. This is it, though. If we don't get picked this year then we're probably hanging it up for good. However, now that I've lost all this weight and my periods are normal, I wonder if I could try to get pg??? Hmmmmm.

That's all for now. I am REALLY going to try to make the support group meeting this Thursday - I need someone to yell at me for not making my 12 month appt yet. Dr. Anthone is gonna scold me, I just know it. I have been procrastinating...dang it anyway.