All About Me :-)

Apr 15, 2010

I haven't writting anything in here, so I figured I should start! Afterall, its 2:30AM here, but its my night off of work, which means I'll be up til 5 or 6 anyway...might as well tell my story, right?

So I was always big. Well...not always...but for most of my life. I can actually pinpoint the summer I started gaining weight...the summer I was in 3rd grade. Before that summer, I was pretty normal sized. Don't ask me what happened that year, cause I have no idea (well, yeah I guess I do...I ate a ton and didn't do anything lol), but that was the beginning of my weight struggle. It feels like I've always been big. Some years bigger, some years not so big, but *always big*

My weight was the touchiest subject you could bring up! Seriously, up until a couple years ago, don't even try saying anything to me. I was always so embarrassed by it, that I just preferred not to talk about it...like I thought by not mentioning it, no one would actually notice? I don't know. Either way, I got teased all through school, but my mom was almost afraid to say anything cause I would instantly burst into tears. She tried. She took me to nutritionists, saying it was for both of us...she paid crazy amounts of money to this bariatric place that pumped me full of appetite supressents, made me weigh in with them *every single morning* and gave me a vitamin shot in my butt after those daily weigh-ins. This was no cheap place...she dropped thousands and thousands on all that crap...all cause she knew I was unhappy, but didn't know how to address it. She also *bribed* me in a way...said for every pound I lost, she'd give me $2. I promptly lost 45 pounds, collected $90 (a lot for a 12 year old!), and gained it all back and then some. You know, the typical cycle.

I was also a secret eater, because of this embarrassment. I thought if I ate in public, people would be looking at me and judging. So I'd wait for any chance I was by myself...when I was younger, it was for my mom to go to bed, or on those rare days I would get home from school before she would get home from work. I'd look at the clock and think "Ok, she'll be home in half hour..." and I would promptly stuff my face with whatever I could find. As I got older, I would just take food to my room. Once I was able to drive, I would eat half of what I bought in the car before I got home, then eat again when I got home, no one any wiser to the feast I just gorged myself on while driving. And then when I moved out on my own, forget it...I had no time restraints, I didn't have to sneak stuff into my room...I would just sit like a slug on the couch, sometimes all day, eating. But still I only ate like that alone...if people were around, I picked at things. I was very aware of how people looked at me, and how one of my obese friends looked like when she ate...I avoided that at all costs by just eating in secret. 

Only a couple years ago did I start to become comfortable with my weight. Is comfortable the right word? Prolly not. But I became more confident. I saw that since I was a good, decent, overall pretty awesome person, I could attract friends and boyfriends regardless of what I weighed. And I started talking about my weight. Making jokes about it. Like, if I was trying to move past someone in a chair, I'd say "Seriously? Do you see how big I am? And do you see how small the space is between those 2 chairs? It does not add up" Ha ha ha. All defense mechanisms, I'm sure. It got me through the day. 

So maybe I was able to laugh and joke about it...I was always in a good mood, making everyone laugh, etc. etc...but I noticed more and more that I wasn't doing much actual living. I stopped going out cause I never felt I looked good in any clothes I tried on...I stopped going to amusement parks after an incident at Cedar Point where they singled me out of line and made me sit in the sample seat to see if I would fit (definitely on the top 10 of most humiliating things). I was afraid to do anything outdoorsy with my friends cause just walking down the street made me out of breath. I was so miserable! So I ate. I ate all my feelings, and then some. Hell, I prolly ate your feelings too! 

I started looking into WLS a few years back. At the time I was working in the ER of the local hospital, and they sent out a mass email about a WLS seminar...we had our own Bariatric Center at the hospital, and the surgeons on staff hosted the session. I had good insurance through the hospital, so I decided to go and see what it was all about. Throughout all of this, I was also in a new relationship, which was getting serious. After that seminar, I began my journey towards getting everything approved....I don't have to go through all the details cause all y'all know all the hoops we have to jump through! Anyway, about half way through all these tests and whatnot, I got married. A week and a half after we got married, he moved to England, thanks to the Air Force. I was all about joining him, but I was planning on having surgery first, then coming later. When I had only one requirement left to complete...my psych eval...I decided I was tired of being away from him, and stopped the whole process. We'd already spent the first 4 months of our marriage apart...I wasn't waiting any longer. So I picked up and moved to England.

A year later, I had gained another 45 pounds, pushing me close to 300. I went home to visit my mom and barely left the house. I didn't visit a single friend of mine cause I was too embarrassed to show them how bad I looked. When I came back from that vacation was when I started the process again.

Unfortunately, that original seminar only offered RNY and the band, so I thought those were my only options. I settled on RNY, and began everything with TriCare, having to start all over again since it was a new insurance.Luckily for me, being overseas actually helped...they had to send me off base, and did so by sending me to one of the top bariatric surgeons in England. December 3, 2009 was the day I was either gonna die, or finally begin to live again. Obviously, since I'm typing this, you know I made it through the surgery.

Here we are, 4 months later. I'm down almost 86 pounds, feeling fantastic, and so far happy with my decision...both to have the surgery, and to wait til I got to England to have it. Haven't had too many issues...I can eat anything I want to with no repercussions, I just don't anymore. Don't get me wrong...I'm not perfect by any means! In fact, while typing this I ate 2 oreo's! *GASP* I know, I know...I'm gonna be struck down by the bariatric gods for eating such crappy food. But its very uncommon. Should I risk another attack by saying I've even had a glass of wine or two since the surgery?? Well I have. So there.

I miss some things. I miss being able to eat my feelings. Sometimes I get frustrated cause I'm not sure how to handle what I'm feeling, whereas before I would just stuff my face and be alright for a bit. I miss going out with a group of friends and gorging on everything sinful on the menu, while laughing and drinking. I still do that, minus the gorging of course. Who would've thought you could actually go out and enjoy yourself without food? Shocking, right??

I'm lucky to say that so far I have had no stalls at all *knock on wood* (and yes, I did just knock on wood). I'm sure I will hit them, but for now, I'm steadily losing, chugging away towards my goal. I can't say what will happen down the road, but I hope and strive for only good things!

So that's me in a nutshell. Yes, it was a very big nutshell, I know. But look at it this way...I've made up for not writing anything for the past 4 months! lol

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