Jealousy

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Well I have decided a bit ago that I want to try and get a revision for the RYN. I feel like I maxed out at the liquid level as far as how tight my band could be and also I gained 40lbs from my original weight loss which was around 100lbs. Granted I did have my surgery in 2007 and was able to maintain the weight up until 2 years ago or so where I was making poor eating choices, lack of mobility and I was put on anti-psychotic meds that give you the munches from hell. I hope to lose the majority for the 40lbs prior to surgery, but we shall see.

 

I was terrified that the doctor would say no due to my having Rheumatoid Arthritis and for other reasons. So I was suprised when he said that he preferred Lap-band people to do the gastric bypass. *shrugs*

I am scared of whats ahead. start with my nutritionist later in the month. I have to see her for 4 months consecutively for Medicare to approve the surgery. I also have scheduled an x-ray for next Weds June 5th, 2014 for him to check out the band and see whats going on since he hasn't seen it since 2010. Then we will schedule for the band to be removed. He also told me how important is that I have to quit smoking which I have been doing for 15 years quitting only once for 2 years. I am ready to make this commitment, for some reason that is the least of my worries. But we will see when it actually comes down to it. 

 

I am trying to mentally prepare myself little by little. The last couple months have been very hard for me because of changing psychiatric meds. I am JUST coming out of the hole and I am scared that I will be sucked back in, but I am going to try my hardest to keep moving forward. 

 

Emotional Eating

I am an emotional eater. The faster I acknowledge it, the sooner I will be able to change it. My childhood was rough as far as my weight. I have memories of drastic measures that my parents tried to get to lose weight. Examples: Being sat down and spoken to (by multiple family members) about how being heavy is bad and I will have a hard time “finding love”.or with my overall social life. I remember other things such as, a lock being put on the refrigerator, being signed up for multiple diet programs along with the 4-5 months I spent in Uruguay at the age of 12. I look back and remember being bullied at school for being fat, then coming home and being judged by my parents. All this must have left a mark, I just don’t know where or how. I recall having emotional eating moments as a child but I don’t think I had as big as an issue as I have as an adult. I remember when it started getting worse, it was a year or so after my lapband surgery.I started craving sugar a lot more than I ever have. I am not sure why, but since then I turn to sugar/fat when I am feeling down or am stressed.

Truth Statement

I will become more cautious of what my body consumes. My body needs help to become healthy, making better food choices at every meal is crucial. At this time in my life I am unfortunately seeing my parents have health issues. The truth is that I am predisposed to diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and many other conditions. I am making the decision now to start taking care of my body as best I can to avoid further damage. I have spent all of my adult life overweight, making excuses as to why I am. I know I am a strong person and am constantly trying to better myself, whether it be going to therapy or taking meds etc. So why haven’t I taken care of my body? I am not sure but I am exploring the possible root of my lack of motivation or avoidance of the issue. I am considering the possibility that it is a lot deeper than it being affected by my depression symptoms.

 

For those of you that don't know what PB is.. it stands for Productive Burp.. Its basically a bandsters way of vomiting.

Ok so it just happened a little while ago, I was having a leftover chicken wrap from lunch yesterday because I wanted a more solid breakfast. Well I started out fine chew chew chew, and I started thinking about something else and BAM I then realized I swallowed one bite without chewing as much as I should and UGH all it takes is ONE bite. So I stopped and sat there for a sec and then it started.. I got this terrible pain in my lapband area, it would come and go a very sharp pain. I then felt a little lacking for air, something was clearly stuck. I sat there for a couple mins hoping it would subside but no such luck and next thing you know here it came, and I vomited :( Scary stuff, I stopped eating and im putting myself on liquids for today as punishment lol ok not really, its to let my stoma rest. Bah im sad because I was determined never to vomit! Guess my vomit record is gone! But I know i never want that to happen again, and it wont.

A lot has happened in the last 10 or so days. I went to see a liver specialist, I started eating real food, I experienced what it feels like when you eat too fast and don't chew enough. It has been a overwhelming journey thus far.

Mushies went pretty good, I didn't have a problem with them at all. I ate things like tuna salad, beans, spinach and ricotta, eggs, cottage cheese etc.. And after drinking everything for the two weeks prior all of this felt like a dream. I was really good and didn't eat out only but once, had some chinese food and got some egg foo young. What sucks the most is not having restriction yet, I was always hungry not too long after eating. So I must admit that my portion control of mushies could have been better.

During my mushie week I had an appointment with a liver specialist and wow was that scary. I went in and he read my biopsy result and shook his head and then just talked about how he wanted to send me to a transplant place in Richmond because he could not do anything for me.  I of course freaked out, I kept thinking about how I am just 27 years old! He then explained how having a fatty liver is the 3rd largest cause of cirrhosis. Wow, well that explains a lot.. I have been obese all my life, plus I have been pumping meds for my RA the last 6 years no wonder my poor liver is damaged. He also stressed that I am already doing everything that I can to help myself. He talked about how losing weight MIGHT help make better any healthy parts of my liver, and how we only truly need 20% of our liver to live. He mentioned the transplant hospital just so that my liver can be closely monitored as time goes on. Although I know that I would never get a liver if I needed one since he told me that 70% of people die without getting one. You would think that this doctor's bedside manner isn't the best but to tell the truth I loved the guy, simply because he didn't feed me bullshit. I like the truth even though it can be rough at times.  After hearing all that I felt a lot better believe it or not because, even though I was just told I had liver disease, it didn't matter because it was out of my hands. But the one thing that IS in my hands is losing weight. So from that moment on I decided I won't worry about it anymore. I can't continue to be upset over things I cannot control.

I started officially eating real food yesterday but I must confess I sort of started the day before lol. I figured whats a couple of hours. Well I had a turkey and cheese wrap made on a whole wheat wrap thingy for lunch on saturday. Well I wasn't paying attention and took one of my "normal" sized bites, chewed a couple times and swallowed.. I soon realized what I had done when I felt a sharp pain on the left side of my upper tummy.. ugh what a weird pain that I never want to feel again. OUCH. It made me think about what it might be like with restriction, I have to really get this chewing thing down. I'm a fast learner though, i've been chewing like a maniac since hehe. I have noticed that now that im eating solid food I am full for longer periods of time and I feel full. I havn't been hungry at all. After my first fill I wonder how much this will make a difference, im sort of scared yet excited if that makes any sense.

Unfortunately my RA has not eased up, I am truly scared and worried that my left knee is going to stay like this :( I want to move and was looking forward to working out some after surgery but I havnt been able to *sigh* I am hoping it will give me a break soon.

Overall I am doing very well, just need to work on chewing, water intake and maybe more protein although im doing well with that hehe!

YAY!

Went to see my surgeon today and I lost 17lbs! Wow what a good feeling! Doc also said that I am allowed to move onto MUSHIES. Thank the lord for that. I was so tired of drinking all of my meals. While I was there I found out that I have the small AP Band in me with the capacity of 10cc. I asked him when will I have my first fill and he said normally its 4 weeks and but he wanted me back in 3. He also mentioned that he would be filling me with 3-4cc's which is cool, I like that he's more aggressive with his fills. I ended up seeing a picture of my band inside me and man it looks tight, it will be interesting to see if mushies give me a little bit of a full feeling. I unfortunately also caught a glance at my liver, he showed me how abnormal it was and showed me the biopsy results.  I decided that right now theres nothing I can do about it and im not going to let it ruin my day, I LOST 17LBS! hehe. I made an appointment to see a liver specialist next week and we will take it from there. One step at a time. One victory at a time.

Yesterday I saw my rheumy and he gave me a cortisone shot in my left knee, I must say that was the weirdest most painful thing i've ever experienced. Ugh it HURT. But hopefully it will help. My RA flare has me very worried and i'm angry and frustrated  that I cant move around the way I want. I also looked into aquatic therapy, hopefully once my flare goes ill be able to jump into that :)

Overall things are looking better, I hope to feel more at ease now and more on track. Emotionally the last couple weeks have been a rollercoaster but are finally calming down. I'm thankful that my bf doesn't get upset with me when im frustrated and being difficult. Its great that he understands that its been a rough time. But everything will be okie :)

Well I got my results back yesterday and it was basically what I expected but my other health problems are worrying me. Im basically terrified of thinking that my Rheumatoid Arthritis is attacking my internal organs. I honestly don't know this for sure but it just seems to look that way at the moment. I am going to see my rheumatologist on tuesday and discuss what is going on with my RA. Also I see my surgeon on Weds! And I hope to GOD he gives me the OK to start mushies! Im pretty much adapting to the liquid diet, meh I dont care anymore. I have my moments where I feel like im starving but I try to stop and realize that its more head hunger if anything. I kinda say to myself, "Nope you cant be starving you had your soup and pudding!" I know, seems a little crazy but its working for me at the moment. I hope to be getting this head hunger under control.

Realizing how much my liver and whole body really depends on my weight loss sort of makes me nervous. I mean of course I got the lap-band to succeed but I feel as though I have a bit of added pressure. I need to do this though, I need to become healthier. Its almost to the point where my body is saying "ENOUGH, ive delt with crap long enough!" And now its my duty more than ever to pick myself up and make me healthy. I owe it to myself. I want a lot more years to live. I have A LOT on my to do list. :)

Keeping a positive attitude right now and in general really is what's hardest. I've always labeled myself as a realist but am I really a realist or a pessimist in denail? That is also something i've been thinking about. I honestly believe that someones attitude makes a HUGE difference in success and failure. So that is definitely something I want to work on. Sheesh sometimes my "work on" lists seems endless! But thats ok, at least it keeps me challenged ;)

I hate the feeling of hunger, it bugs me so bad and makes me anxious. Unfortunately I feel like everyday im feeling hungrier and hungrier. It also makes me sad to know that some people need months for their restriction and the hunger to subside. It just sucks because if I wanted to be hungry all the time then I would have just gone on a regular diet. Hopefully ill feel better when I go on mushies.

Wow today sucked. Its amazing how much food has been a part of my life. I am honestly bored now since I am not planning something for dinner or going out to eat. I feel weird inviting people over because right now I cant eat with them or bbq.

Well today was my first outing since surgery and I went to Walmart to go look for another protein shake to buy and ugh its a Superstore walmart... you know what means... FOOD and a freakin subway in the place ugh. Everywhere I turned there was stuff I would have put in my cart. I wanted to get the hell out of there, I started getting depressed. And I hate that I have been. I mean I have been waiting for this surgery for 2 YEARS and so many things have stood in my way and finally I have it and all I do is be sad. I know its normal because of it being such a big change and im not eating real food! But either way I cant help but be a bit disappointed at the way I have been thinking/feeling lately.

My fiance supports me so much and is there for me everytime I cry, have a fit, need anything. I swear if it wasnt for him I would be even crazier than I am now lol.

I have to hang in there and realize that this is for the long haul!