Sad, Sad, Sad

Dec 09, 2009

Ok so I am not exactly sure how a blog is supposed to work. I have always heard that journals are a good thing so that is what I will treat this as.

So as of October 20, 2009 I decided that I wanted to pursue WLS. I had my first appointment with the surgeon December 1st. This went alot better than I thought it would it took all of 15 minutes to hear I was a perfect candidate and they sent on my journey I made my psych appointment, talk to my PCP to have all of her notes sent to the surgeon and I had my first step in the sleep apnea tests which has now led to a full on sleep lab test.

I am not sure how bad the first results were but it indicated I had 60 apnea's and 80 partial apnea's in 6 hours. So we will see how that goes.

Now let me get to my psych appointment. I took that incredibly long test they give and I was as honest as I could possibly be. then I sat down with the doctor and was as honest as possible. I was only supposed to be there for an hour two hours later in his office and he was talking about hospitalizing me for suicidal thoughts. The last statement he made however has made me feel more hopeless and suicidal than ever. He said that I need to wait before I had this surgery. I don;t know if that means he is not going to clear me or what. But I do know that I feel worse now than I have ever felt in my life. If i can;t get this surgery there is really no point for me living at all. I don;t know what to do.

What I don;t understand is how anyone can possibly think that telling a person that is severely obese and feels like she is completely worthless would be better serviced by more disappointment. Of course I know the mistake I made. I talked about people sexually abused 3 separate times as a child and being in an abusive relationship as a young adult and that became the root of all evil in his mind. This is not my problem. I know why i feel worthless this comes from my mother....my mother always telling me how fat i was and how i was never going to bet a man and never even to this day not being bombarded by her feelings of my failure as being a healthy beautiful daughter. Or whatever she thinks. I agree I need to deal with my feelings of worthlessness. I would think the first step would be changing the fact that i can;t look in the mirror, I can;t bring myself to have sex with my husband and I am afraid to go in public because I am so ashamed of myself. I have no life. Because I am fat!!!! Help me not be fat anymore!!!!!

I'll keep you updated thanks for listening!!!!

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