JennyBoBenny

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In 2007, I had a life altering moment. At 450lbs., I had just lost my job, living in a two bedroom apartment that I could not afford on my own. I was in my closet of a washroom, and was having some difficulties with my mobility. Faced with this situation I asked myself two questions. The first question I asked myself was; who was going to help me? The list was short. The second question I asked myself was if I wanted to live or die, and I cried. (I still do when I think about it)

The truth of it was, that at the weight I was at, that is the direction I was headed, to a faster death. In that moment so many things came to the forefront of my awareness. All these years that's what I have been doing to myself. I was killing myself.

 

I spent hours, over the years, crying. Feeling sorry for myself, helpless and out of control.

 

I was unable to have my own identity growing up, and when I tried to have my own, I was in the wrong. Or better yet, as children will think, something was wrong with me. My self-destructive behaviours were developed at a very young age. I perpetuated and nurtured them until the ripe age of 35. I was smoking marijuana at 6:30 in the morning to be able to emotionally suppress, and function throughout my day. I smoked a pack of cigarettes every two days. I drank, a lot. And the obvious, I ate.

You see, at 450lbs I never had a problem doing things. I mean, doing things essential to survival. I was barely doing them, but I was doing them, and if the things I was doing to survive didn't work out, then I would punish myself. Telling myself how worthless I was. This self perpetuating cycle seems too surreal looking back at it now.

I was active. I used to organize softball and volleyball teams for fat people, not only in Ottawa, but Toronto as well. I was an official Canadian advocate for the International Size Acceptance Association. I gave speeches at Beauty Pageants for large women. I did interviews with the Media, and met with associations to help large people survive in a thin world.

The whole time I was depressed, lost, angry, and directed all of this at myself through my eating, drug use, drinking, and other destructive behaviours. All I could think was things like “it’s all my fault” and “what is wrong with me that I can't change things?” I was setting the worst example for my daughter, whom I had at the age of 15. Believe me when I say, history repeats itself. There is a reason why it does. It started generations prior, and the cycle begins before we are born. Breaking the chains is not something most of us consider ourselves strong enough to do.

 

That day in the washroom though, I chose to live. Making that decision is what helped me stay motivated in maintaining a much healthier lifestyle today. I wanted to know what it felt like to believe that I deserved different, that I could make a difference for future generations. I needed to know what it's like to be at peace with who I am. I CAN break the generational chain of abuse. Peeling the layers away to get closer to that has taken years.

 

The first steps I took were changing my diet and getting active on a more regular basis. I was very limited physically, and financially. I looked at what the majority of my food intake consisted of at the time. It was simple carbs, I lived off of simple carbs. Not only did simple carbs give me a lot of emotional support in my times of psychological crisis, but they were within my budget. I ate what I knew, and what I was taught to eat. I was taught to be resourceful and survive. I knew how to do that like no other, living just to survive. Was I really living though?

 

I tackled the Atkins diet. I modified it a bit. I ate salads twice a day, had a good supper, and healthier snacks. Since I was laid off, and it was near the beginning of the summer, I started going to outdoor pools and bouncing around, literally. No exercise program, just bouncing around to get active. I did this five to six times a week. There were times I was using pools that I wasn't allowed to, but to me it was all about survival. After three months of this I regained some flexibility. You know how I noticed? I was in THE washroom.

The summer was over and I needed an indoor pool. An indoor pool where I felt comfortable, was affordable, and had a gym. I found one downtown. A good friend, at the time, decided to join me for motivation. I kept up my routine of working out 5 to 6 six times a week. Sometimes for two hours at a pop once the gym was incorporated. I started at 5mins on the elliptical machine and went thru hell with shin splints, etc. I was so proud of myself at one point in time that I had worked my way up to 45mins while still weighing close to 400lbs. I was still doing well with the eating, and was more determined than ever because I was seeing results. I still had my vices to help me through the transition. Some days after exercising that's all I could do. I could barely move some days due to bad shin splints and/or plantar fasciitis. I was still drinking, smoking marijuana and cigarettes. Of course the eating took a slip sometimes, but in 8 months I lost 80lbs.

I was sick, and hospitalized within the year. In the following year I went back to work after being hospitalized for cellulitis in the leg for a second time. Very serious stuff if you know anything about it.

 

In 2008 I went back to work and was offered the Gastric Bypass surgery. For the first time in my life, I was doing well with losing the weight on my own and making some serious changes. I asked if I could put the surgery off for a year. In that year, I made healthier choices and changes, but I gained 3lbs. I was so frustrated. I was at 373lbs. truly the situation could have been worse. The hardest change to implement while working full time was being able to work out. I was still eating healthier, but of course I was still participating in some very unhealthy coping mechanisms too.

 

When the hospital called me a year later, 2009, I accepted the weight loss surgery. I do not regret having the weight loss surgery, but sometimes I don't like telling people this part of the story. It's almost like, for them, the surgery did all the work for me. Truly it did not.

 

I needed no help from others. I was at an extreme I beat myself up all the time about a lot of things in my life. It's funny, if others criticize me I fight for myself but when I do it to myself I usually give in and agree. I'm a loser. I needed help.

 

From 2009 to 2010 the weight rapidly came off. I lost another 200lbs in about a year and a half.

The first six months after the surgery I was quite ill, as I got pneumonia on the operating table. The surgery was done in Toronto, and the Doctor told me right after surgery that they thought they had sewn my new stomach shut and lost a staple inside my new pouch. I couldn't swallow anything for four days. Then realized the swelling was the reason why, not because the doctor really sewn my pouch shut. I knew no one in the Toronto area. No family and very few friends. I was on my own I just wanted to go home.

 

I had to teach myself how to eat differently. You'd have thought after six months of not being able to breathe I'd have quit smoking, but I picked it back up when emotional issues took precedence over surviving. Old habits, emotional and physical, were trying to find their way back in, and I was a basket case. I could no longer go to food like I used to, my body was changing faster than I could keep up psychologically. I felt more alone than ever, if that was possible. I was losing friends, as fast as I was losing weight.

 

All I focused on was that I wanted to live. I would have tantrums. At one point I found myself mourning foods I could no longer eat, as well as being fat. I was lost in the person I was becoming. It was all unknown to me. A person was trying to emerge that I was not familiar with, and she was doing things I was afraid to do.

 

After a winter of walking at the Dome, Greenbank and Pinecrest, (I figured Monday to Friday, two hours each time. I was walking about 10k a day. I watched the shape of my legs change, and get more toned.) There I met Michael Patone, a personal trainer. I had no muscle tone, from losing the weight so fast, and what did I know about building muscle?

 

Shortly before I started with Mike, I gave up marijuana (January 2011) and cigarettes (February 2011). The drinking stopped immediately after the gastric bypass surgery. It was unwanted calories and really my primary way of coping was/is through food. These changes were NEEDED if I wanted to make the full transition into a healthier lifestyle. If I REALLY wanted to survive I had to do this.

 

I started therapy in 2010, and found myself entering into even more unknown territory. Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin for so long I was mentally scattered, an emotional volcano. It truly has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I was embarking on a journey into my psyche, confronting my emotional core beliefs, and rewriting them. This is something I will be working on for the rest of my life.

I was feeling so lost, and did not know what I wanted out of life, a friend suggested writing down what my goals were.

 

I knew I wanted to be extremely physically active, and I have always loved trying new sports. I've always had a love for swimming but never really did it in the traditional sense. I had started to do official “laps” in 2010. At one point I was swimming 1km in 25mins. I wrote my goals out in a book, and that's when another friend suggested that the military could help me reach a lot of my long term goals. I needed structure, discipline, and extreme physical activity. I wanted to travel and a pension at the time of retirement. Something inside of me really liked the idea of joining the Canadian Armed Forces it was like a higher calling. Goals give people a sense of purpose and it felt like for the first time in my life I had a sense of purpose, direction, something to aim for.

 

I started strength training with Michael Patone March of 2011. I did my first Try a Tri in 2011, and then in 2012 my second one. I started to learn how to run in 2011 and have completed more than a handful of 5km races since. I have participated in a few obstacle course races, track challenges, bouldering activities, jumping off cliffs into quarries, and helped a few people get motivated just by tagging along to the gym with them. I have lots of things I still want to try.

 

I have a passion for adventure. Life is good to me it's worth living. I AM worth it. Trust me, it's not easy for me to believe that, coming from where I did. Every day I still have to rewrite that interior dialog that wants to beat me down. I still make mistakes, don’t we all? I heard something really good in therapy my first year; “What makes me so special that I can forgive others, but cannot forgive myself?” It's true.

 

Currently, I am in metabolic interval training, strength training and I run three times a week. I also swim once a week. Throwing in some recreational biking, and trying new stuff, like tennis to keep things fresh and interesting. I still work on my emotional issues, and continue to learn healthier ways to fuel my athletic body.

To call myself an Athlete seems foreign, and maybe even a little bit like a lie. Only twice now have I referred to myself as such out loud. It seems surreal to hear me (or anyone else for that matter) say it, but I am!

 

Changing lifestyles consists of encompassing all areas of one’s BEING.

 

I will have to work hard for the rest of my life, I know this, but I am very grateful and proud to have maintained my weight at about 190lbs for the last three years. I can acknowledge I've beaten some pretty tough odds so far but feel that to maintain this level of living I also need to recognize that my survival depends on moving forward. Thriving depends on being able to live in the moment. My motivations are my goals, and my healthy active role models who have helped me one way or another along my journey. My trainer Michael Patone, Amethyst's Addiction for Women, my running coach Suzanne Hotson, Inspirational Endurance Runner Ray Zahab, Active CBC Radio Spokesperson Stuart Mills, and any person who works hard to stay healthy. Most of all, other women who know what it's like to come from situations like mine,who know that to survive they have to leave an old life behind.

 

I hope to be in the military by the end of this year. The end of September would be fantastic. I am hoping that next summer is my summer for a lot of different type of races I would like to enter. I would like to participate in a Triathlon Sprint, and participate in my first open water swim. I would like to take part in more obstacle course races, I would even like to do some long distance biking and running.

 

I need help to achieve this.

 

Please help support my dream by voting at the link below. No sign up. No hassle. Just click and vote (daily even, if you feel so inclined!)

http://www.genuinehealth.com/innerchampion/jennifer-branson/

 

Your support is greatly appreciated.

Jennifer ”The Athlete” Branson

 

 

I think I am finally going to get some downtime today. Wasn't scheduled, and I should be in my group therapy, but I overdid it rearranging my apartment last night. Trying to get things in order as I believe I will have another roommate moving in for the 1st. I spent hours, and I mean hours, cleaning and moving stuff. I think my kingsize bed was the most heavy lifting!
I will go over some personal therapy stuff from the group while home today, sitting in bed, while relaxing!

I hope to maybe even take a nap. I think I will join some friends for a swim at a downtown pool around 5. As that will give me the whole day to try and be mellow!

I will do some serious stretching prior and after though. I can feel I am lacking in this department in part of my physical activity.

My room looks great though!

I'm find I have so much energy to burn..and sometimes pushing myself to burn it in physical activities is hard when the mind is so busy struggling to survive the basic needs, and daily living. Hell, the Depression mindset in general. I am so grateful to have the swimming group girls. Now that we're taking on challenges while swimming it really does help to push myself, instead of just leisurely enjoying. Not that I don't enjoy the challenges but I definitely need to push myself a bit more to reach my personal goal of incorporating some extreme physical activity in my life.

Tonight I did 50 laps and felt I could have done more. It took me the 50 mins to do them. I probably could have done more if I did not have the share the lanes. Seems I might be a bit fast. lol I gotta get video of myself to see myself doing it.
It was soo busy there on Mondays. I think on Friday I will try for more. Seems less busy there on Fridays. 

You know, I meant to mention this before, but I really had no idea that post ops are not supposed to chew gum. Not only for the gas, which makes total sense, but in case we swallow it. Thanks to Terry for catching that one. I've now given up the gum. I'm not much of a gum swallower but I definitely could use less gas. I'm going to get the farting queen status soon enough if I don't already for those who know me. lol

I also want to Thank Terry for helping me to obtain my medical bracelet for being a biariatic patient. 18 months in and this was something Ive been thinking about since the surgery. Nice to check that off my goal list and have such a supportive woman as Terry in my life. I can't wait to get the bracelet in the mail!

Had a great weekend. Laid off some exercise since I was a bit sore from the first 1k swim last Friday. I definitely need to implement a bit more daily routine though. Seems to be an ongoing project for me. I am just grateful the swimming is regular.

The girls want to think of a group name for the swimming group. Now that we are taking on challenges.

Feline Fierce Fins
Fierce Feline Fins
Lapping Lanes Ladies, and Loving it
Lane Lapping Ladies, and Loving it
Sexy Swimming Sags lol
Sagging Swimming Sexy lol

I'll have to think on it some more. lol

When we met up with Pheona, on Wednesday, and she shared she does 40 laps which equals 1KM. That's 1000Meters. I don't know my units so Terry helped me figure it out. lol
Well, tonight, Terry and I, did 1K swim! It was invigorating. We were joking how we were going to take it easy swimming....but we got all gung ho! I didn't think I'd be able to stay focused to keep counting but hell, I swam like I've never swam before!

Thank you Pheona for sharing your journey with us as its helps for us to get ideas to help set goals for ourselves.

My daughter is visiting tonight. Havent had just Mommy daughter time in awhile. She's already in the kingsize bed watching a movie, eating Mom's food. LOL She's raided my goodie bag. I'm having some OJ and some wings..and off to watch a movie with her. Not sure I'll be able to stay awake as I watched the grand daughter and three other kids today, all under the age of 5. I've never seen 3 hours of my life go by like 5mins trying to keep up with them all. lol Loved it though. I need to burn engery like that every day.

Night night.

I am two weeks post op. My story is a lil confusing...and I feel the need to get it out..
Two years ago I started this journey when I ventured up to 450lbs. I signed myself up for the gastric bypass but told myself that I wasn't going to need it cos I was gonna work my ass off prior to such a journey.

I was laid off work so I took the year on EI and started training myself. I started with aquatics and sometimes swam twice a day. After 3 months of swimming and feeling a bit more flexible and comfortable I incorporated doing some time in the gym as well as swimming. I was doing this 4-5x a week, if not more. I actually ended up training myself to 45mins on the elliptical. It's truly amazing what we can do when we put our minds to it. A year of working out I managed to get to 373lbs and was invited to go to Israel before my year of not working was up. At the same time my surgeon's office called me it was my turn. I was flabbergasted..I wasn't ready to do it and I didn't want to miss my first out of country trip. I've always wanted to travel and took the trip. I asked them during the trip if I could postpone the surgery for a year. She said yes but after that I'd have to start all over.

During the trip I lost my routine but I would have had to adjust it anyhow cos I was going to go back to work. A few months after my return I ended up with Cellulitis and was hospitalized. I was way past the point of working and financially I was becoming stressed out which wasn't helping me to heal myself..I took the first job that was offered to me while I was sick. They waited almost 3months for me..So now I had to get used to working again and feel healthy after having the Cellulitis. (btw was my second infection of cellulitis but I was never hospitalized the first time)

While, same shit story...Working a part time job, with full time hours, and no car..it was too difficult to incorporate swimming close to me. My gym and pool was downtown. Sigh..So I kept working like crazy. Come January the surgeon's office calls me and tells me my surgery date is January 27th and my Pre Op is Jan. 8th. Now remember, I did all the required appointments to get on the gastric bypass list and even paid for it out of my own pocket so things went faster...but now we're coming upon two years. The surgeon's office tells me to bring $200 for the liquid diet and to be at the Hospital first to do all the required testing and then to come visit them. I catch the bus to Toronto. I do everything that is required of me and go to the surgeon as the last step and the surgeon is baffled and who I am. He says no one ever defers the surgery and now he's not sure what I've completed and if I need to do anything over. I was shocked. I came prepared and eager..and why wouldn't he be sure who I am it should all be in my folder and I could barely afford to get there this time. I had a list of questions for him and his common answer was one week and told me he was putting me on the liquid diet for 3 weeks. I get to his front desk and they ask for $300. I told them I don't have that and THEY decide to put me on the diet for two weeks..and take my money. There was confusion about doing some gastric bypass class..Which I did but two years prior they didn't call it the gastric bypass class. They called it a nutritional class which it was really nothing about nutrition. It was all about how they rearrange your insides.  I leave there a lil confused but in a rush to catch my bus home..they bring out four boxes of powdered stuff. Where am I to put there? They didn't even offer me a bag to put it in..nor could I choose what flavour I wanted more of. I shoved it in my bag and took off..having a meal at Burger King which I had not ate at in years. It was the closest food joint. Totally aware of what I was doing.. Of course distracting myself so that I could cope with the unorganized incompetency. Do I still let the surgeon go ahead?

I go home..I'm not even home a day and they call to reschedule my surgery cos the surgeon did not book properly. Now my surgery date is Feb. 2nd.

A few days later I receive a phone call from a dietitian in Toronto saying why wasn't I in her class.. I called her back and she told me I was scheduled for her class and an appointment with a social worker at the hospital a few days later. I told her I had no idea and no one informed me. I plead my story and all the confusion and receive a call from the dietitian saying that I HAVE to do their class. I explain to them, via answering machine, that I can't afford to come there two more times prior my surgery and that I HAVE done their class. She said even though the surgery is the same and the diet, it's been two years since I did the class. What a crock of shit. lol After some more pleading I am given Jan 30th (my birthday) has a date to do the class and they waived the social worker visit. I am still on schedule but totally baffled but determined..I want to be healthy.

So I catch the bus on the 30th..make the class, late..I'm on the liquid diet at this point, almost two weeks..no cheating.. I was very determined..It didn't bother me to watch people eat but I was more aware of my own eating habits and what I needed to change after the surgery..then I wouldn't really have a choice. My friends girls baked me a cake and everyone feels bad eating around me..I explain this is my choice..

This is where I get a lil teary eyed.. cos.. I was soo focused and determined to do THIS now.. I had concluded that I could do more physical damage to myself trying to lose it on my own and this would give me a jump start.. I go in for the surgery..on my own..no family or friends.. I come out of surgery and I can't breath. It hurts so much.
I have hospital acquired pneumonia and the surgeon, on his short visits barely doing his job, says, at one point in time he thought he lost a staple..and then said he wasn't sure if they sealed the exit. Meaning I had no exit. So, no matter what I swallowed it would come back up. So, originally, I was supposed to have the surgery Monday and get released Wednesday..I was there till Saturday and begging to go home. Thursday my pouch swelling went down and I had an exit. He checked for a leak and supposed there wasn't one it was just swollen shut..I was soo happy when I could swallow water on Thursday but I still had the pneumonia and I don't ever remember having such a thing. I could barely breath, not slept in days, and I was supposed to walk while in pain and do some breathing exercises. It was more than difficult for me to do. Come the Saturday the surgeon released me telling me I had a 'little' pneumonia and that it would go away with breathing and walking..Off I went..barely able to talk but glad to be going home. My friend in the area drove me home. She didn't want to and thought I should stay in the hospital. I got home late Saturday night.. Sunday she left to go back..and by Monday I was off to emergency here to check and see if there was any blood clots in my lungs. Of course, low and behold its easier to find a blood clot then to prove there isn't. And my surgeon never sent me home with any antibiotics for the pneumonia or pain meds..since the whole time I was in the hospital only the morphine gave me release to sleep for an hour and breath without excruciating pain. We called him and made him send some Demerol.  Left the hospital Monday night and they gave lovenox and pneumonia meds. Tuesday we went back to emerg here to do CT scans and a doppler ..recommended us to a specialist who gave me a prescription for pneumonia and said to do the exercises..by this point in time I haven't really slept in almost a week and a half..and I did the wrong thing. I rested for two days going thru the stages and fever of pneumonia..my friend taking care of me was scared and took me back Friday to the hospital when my fever when as high as 39.4 degrees Celsius. They said the pneumonia got worse in the two days and they were keeping me over night to administer some meds thru IV in case there was mal absorption issues and the next day I'd see another specialists. The next day he told me straight up. You HAVE to walk..and do the breathing apparatus a few times an hour to build yourself back up and that the oral meds I was given should do the trick. So, I cried..went home..and worked my ass off for the next two days.. walking every hours and a few times an hour doing the breathing apparatus. I could feel a change in my breathing and the high grade fevers were broken..

So here I am.. Afraid to sleep..second guessing my decision but regaining my determination. I haven't been able to have a good cry since it all started cos it hurt me took much and I truly don't have the air...It's such a life test to push one's limits and capabilities when ya feel like an extreme bag of shit.
I'm still going thru the pneumonia stages, but not as extreme, and dealing with the recovery of the surgery which is supposed to be fine but is damn tender, more than it was after the surgery, or in the last two weeks.

I still feel a bit lost but wanted to get this off my chest lol maybe it'll help me breath better. Now I better go walk some in my apartment hallway. I've been sitting here far too long.

Peace