jenspen
Home from ANOTHER funeral...
Apr 20, 2008
All I can think is THANK GOD for all that he has done for my and Lee's health by loosing all this weight. We were both a heart attack waiting to happen.
Rest in peace, Jerry.
What's in it for you?
Apr 11, 2008
We talked about many things and it is our plan to meet and discuss the book "It aint over till the thin lady sings". The more I talked the more it was obvious that I have issues with guilt - well duh I knew that. I just can't love myself enough and get past trying to put other problems and lives first. I find myself wanting to help others and not taking care of myself mentally. I long to help others and so that is why it is my goal to finish my Master's in Education - School Counseling. But now... I question if I am just digging my early grave with getting in deeper with others problems.
I felt it necessary to try and detail the ah ha's that I had last night in order to help get myself through all this thick muck that I am almost drowning in. Well, this is what my new found friend said to me...
**You are drawn to people with problems and invite them to share and they look to you for guidance. Once you have tried to help them they can't/won't take the advise and then blame you for not being able to solve their problems. It is still their problem - not yours... What do you gain from this behavior- What is in it for you?**
I honestly don't know why I do this and what is in it for me. Hum? I do try to be a good person that helps others and find joy in that... I think it is joy??? I am setting myself up for this failure. Is is joy or chaos? Do I long for this chaos? It seems there has always been that chaos in my life. I have always fueled it with gossip, drama and attention getting strategies on my part.
When I think about it ... it is so Jerry Springer. You know, I enjoy that type of drama because I like to see into others dark issues in their lives. Nosey? Yeah. I would always defend myself and say I like to watch this nonsense to be reminded that my life is more normal than those crack pots on TV...
Just something to think about. What's in it for me?
Ultimate Ephipany
Mar 05, 2008
During his visit, he even had the nerve to state that he hoped that I had found out or realized why it was that I ate so much and got so overweight in the first place and he jokingly said that I was rebelling. I nearly choked when he asked if I had figured it out, cause it was so totally him. I just wanted his love and approval and never got it so I ate and it felt good and the food loved me. I just couldn't bring myself to go there and try to have a conversation about him and why I ate. He recently was diagnosed with prostate cancer and is in the process of changing jobs and I just didn't want to, honestly.... make him feel bad. Who's to say he would feel bad about it...? I mean really, he just doesn't think like that.
So laying in bed that night, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why? Why, did I give him so much power? As a child, my Mother and I struggled to make ends meet. Now don't get me wrong, I had what I needed and wanted just not any love... Distant is not exactly the right word for my Mother but I often think if I had been in her shoes - who knows how I would have reacted. You see, my Father left us for another woman and her son. He chose them over us. It was no secret that he wanted a son not a daughter.
Back to my Ahha moment... I didn't have much as a child and was fat to boot! My Father was a VP of a large company and was in my eyes a rich big wig. He sent the company jet to pick me up, sent me nice gifts and money on holidays. I would brag about him in hopes that everyone would think that I was all that too. I mean, seriously, he lived in another state and no one would ever know if I stretched the truth a little. So my game plan was to pump him up in hopes to make myself look better.
I gave him the power because I though he was rich and had a lifestyle that I wanted but guess what... He never approved of me - that is since I was fat and all. So I put him up on the pedestal and set myself up for failure. Since then he has divorced the woman he left us for and has lost a crap load of money in the process leaving him as just a normal person. In turn, I have created a life based on showing off my things in hopes that no one notices that I am super morbidly obese - or was... And I ate...
So what if my Dad had money, so what if he didn't approve of me, so what if I didn't have the cool friends, so what if I didn't have the best that money could buy, so what if I didn't have the best boyfriend... Well it mattered to me cause I wanted to be like him, so I ate to cover up the lies and make myself feel better. I just try to make myself look better and hide the fat.
Yeah... the bus hit me and I am just trying to take it all in.
My BFF - didn't recognize me!
Jan 28, 2008
Just had to share!
Home from a funeral
Jan 13, 2008
It was just sooooo sad. The music and message were so moving and touching leading me to write down what I am feeling. There were so many friends in attendance that it was a testament of what a great person she was. They all called her the "Protector". Lora had said that she felt so lucky to have such great friends that her daily life was like a vacation. The theme of the evening was the importance of friends and letting them know what they mean to you.
Lora was hospitalized with flu like symptoms and took a turn for the worse. The cause of Lora's death is unknown.
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My Redeemer Lives
Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning
Who told the ocean you an only come this far?
Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?
Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
All of creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives
The very same God that spins things in orbit
He runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory
Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redemer lives
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer, He lives
To take away my shame
And He lives forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sin
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive
And there's an empty grave.
And I know my Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creation testify
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer lives
Friends are Friends Forever
Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Cant believe the hopes hes granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem youve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
Chorus:
And friends are friends forever
If the lords the lord of them
And a friend will not say never
cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the fathers hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.
With the faith and love gods given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy youll live in
Is the strength that now you show
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem youve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
Chorus
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I honestly love you
Maybe I hang around here
A little more than I should
We both know I got somewhere else to go
But I got something to tell you
That I never thought I would
But I believe you really ought to know
I love you
I honestly love you
You don't have to answer
I see it in your eyes
Maybe it was better left unsaid
This is pure and simple
And you should realize
That it's coming from my heart and not my head
I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable
I'm not trying to make you anything at all
But this feeling doesn't come along everyday
And you shouldn't blow the chance
When you've got the chance to say
If we both were born
In another place and time
This moment might be ending in a kiss
But there you are with yours
And here I am with mine
So I guess we'll just be leaving it at this
Catholic confessions
Dec 27, 2007
sins - and I am not even Catholic! I am so off track with the program
and am not losing like I should. I have been so driven to get bad
food and I don't know what to do to get back on track...
Obviously, since the holidays I have encountered many things that have
tempted me and soon most of these things will be gone. But it just
aggravates me that I caved and gave in to the bad foods (detailed
below). It is like I am a drug addict and all I think about it is the
contra banned food lurking within reach.
When I look back I have been losing 10 to 15lbs over a week to week
and a half time period during the month. This month during my losing
time, I have been seeing .2lb loss a day. I am just bummed that I
have screwed myself up and I am going to be stuck at -80lbs.
Please help me through this, friends. I know you all understand and I
am freaking and upset with myself. I am not sure if I should call my
Nut and confess and ask for advise or I should go to my Psychologist
to get counseled on how to get back on track. Help. Thank you.
cheesecake
fudge
choc covered pretzels
creamed spinach
bread
mashed potatoes
corn
choc bars
Hersey kisses
pop corn
choc covered pop corn
egg nog (in my protein shake-how wrong is that!)
nuts, nuts and more nuts
choc covered almonds
choc chip cookies
crackers
Totinos pizza
cheese quesodia
taco bell taco
yellow cake w/apples
Hellaious Stall
Dec 22, 2007
Nov 19th - 230
Dec 9th - 215
Dec 18 - 221 (high of stall gain)
Dec 22 - 217
So, it seems that I am losing oneish week a month. To put it down on "paper" makes it a little better for me to deal with it.
Also, I am experiencing some strange issues along with this stall... stinky body odor - pits and other female area, painful swollen nipples, rash on my outer forearms. I did take a pregnancy test cause it was so strangely like pregnancy signs and it was negative (big DUH, cause I have a Mirena IUD and Lee had a vasectomy with his RNY).
I am down a total of 80lbs right this moment and I am 20 weeks out.
Forgiveness in a toxic relationship
Dec 17, 2007
In writing about forgiveness, several readers have asked: “What about forgiving within an unhealthy relationship, one that is toxic and dysfunctional? Should you continue in the relationship when the person just keeps doing the same thing over and over again, never changing his behavior?”
To quote my sister, “Forgiveness isn’t the same as stupid!” It doesn’t mean we’re to act like doormats, allowing evil to run rampant in an abusive relationship. Loving our enemy does not mean excusing his behavior.
To echo the civil rights activist Martin Luther King, we need to understand the difference between non-resistance to evil and non-violent resistance. In any toxic relationship, we strive to resist the abuse with a peace-filled, godly response. This includes establishing healthy boundaries where you’re less vulnerable to abuse and, if God directs, it may mean ending the relationship (much easier said than done when the abuser is a parent, a spouse, or a child).
Regardless, the act of forgiveness does not require you to keep taking the abuse, and it doesn’t mean you must remain in the abusive situation.
Jesus shows us that forgiveness can be immediate when he forgives those who were crucifying him – during the very act of crucifixion: “Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34a NLT)
As we mature in Christ, God will teach us to forgive constantly, even instantly. But it’s a learning process, so don’t take off on a guilt trip if you’re unable to do that now. Fall upon God’s grace and let him move you closer toward forgiveness. It may – probably will – take time to fully receive his grace to forgive, and God can work with that. The first step may simply be to let God soften your heart. Our hearts have a tendency to become hardened in difficult relationships.
Again, let me stress, the softening of your heart toward the abuser is not the same as saying it’s OK to keep taking the abuse, and it’s not the same as saying you have to stay in a situation where you are being or may be abused.
Forgiveness is not the same as agreeing with the behavior of the abuser.
What now?
· Remember the enemy is the enemy – The Bible teaches that when we’re in conflict, the real enemy is not the person we face. The real battle we’re in is against Satan’s unseen spiritual forces of wickedness. (Ephesians 6:12) The enemy wants us to think the battle is ours alone, and that causes us fight as if we’re separated from God. Our goal should be to trust that God is in the battle. (1 Samuel 17:47)
· Through prayer, bless those who abuse you – With your prayers, you can bless people who continually hurt you. They’re in bondage to their own sins, and although that doesn’t excuse their behavior, it does give you insight into how you can pray for them. God intended these relationships for good, yet they’re stripped away by alcohol or anger issues or other counterfeits Satan uses to destroy true fellowship and family. Pray for them to become the person God always intended.
· Take a firm stand – You need group to support you in an intervention, and you may need a mediator present, but the Bible teaches God’s light can penetrate the deepest darkness with hope for restoration and reconciliation. This can provide a quicker path to healing. Regardless, you need to take a firm stand against the abuse, and you may need others to help you do that.
· Should I stay or go? – I’ve seen abusive relationships over the years and know it would be naive to suggest that an intervention, sprinkled with some prayer dust, will suddenly change everything. Some people respond to confrontation; some are crushed by the love of God invading their heart. But many, many people remain toxic and abusive, even when confronted in love, even when forgiven, even when drenched in God’s grace. You may very well need to end the relationship, as difficult as that may be. It’s not your job to change the person, so don’t consider it a failure on your part if he or she doesn’t change when confronted with God’s love and truth.
© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.
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My additional thoughts on this matter...
This person shows no accountability, only looking for sympathy, even when experiencing death can't make changes, can not rise up after adversity, can not move forward, is in a continuation of high school, blame doesn't equal fault, needs to mend to make them feel better. Lastly...
You do what you have always done
You get what you have always got
Just sad that some just can't get it...
Inner peace
Dec 17, 2007
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I ran away!
Oct 25, 2007
We had so much fun! Our only plan was to shop and go to the spa. I did lots of research and found a spa that we went to on Monday. We were massaged and pampered for almost 4 hours. It was wonderful. I had a sea weed wrap, massage, and a FLOAT.
While I was gone I tried new foods and did not once get sick or get any food stuck. Amazing, huh? Stress - I am sure is the key to me getting sick.
So, I have to tell you about the FLOAT (R.E.S.T. therapy). I am not sure if you remember but I am very afraid of the dark and I hate being alone. Of course, I read on their website about the FLOAT and from what I read I wanted to do it...
"Imagine yourself drifting free in the silent, open reaches of space. You are virtually weightless, almost bodiless, yet perfectly safe and totally comfortable floating in a bed of dense salt water. Neurochemical research has shown that during flotation the secretion of pleasure producing hormones, such as endorphins, increase, while the levels of stress related secretions, such as adrenaline and ACTH, decrease. These positive hormone levels typically remain in the blood stream for 10 to 14 days after floating."
Now, did that mention that it was in like a silent coffin in total darkness for 90 mins - naked. Well, I stayed in it for 1 hour. I told the lady that it was a counseling session with myself in there. It was a tank with water and 900 lbs of epson salts. The salt is so dense that you can't help but float.
