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Well, I am not excited to say that I have been somewhat stalled at 268lbs. (-27lbs) for almost two weeks.  I have tried not to worry about it but when you are eating next to literally nothing you have to wonder WHY is the weight not falling off?  I have going back in forth between 270 and 268 for days!  I am doing everything that I was told to do so I guess I just have to wait.  I guess my body is in starvation mode trying to preserve all the masses of fat it can.  My Dr. said to expect 30lbs off the first month and I am at 28lbs lost and in 4 days it will be one month.  He also says that he expects that I will be 45lbs down in 2 months.  I am just VERY IMPATIENT. 

Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it life? 
Mary Oliver

I have this area on my stomach that I get a temporary sharp pain and then a fierce burning sensation when I move a certain way, try to roll over, or try to stretch while laying in bed. 

I talked to Dr. Williams about it and he said he thought it was a pulled muscle.  When I talked to him about it I think I told him the wrong spot that it was hurting so I have started to mark it with a sharpie so I can talk to him about it again.  It is not exactly under one of my incisions.  I think that I pulled it when either I was on the floor and couldn't get up (DUH) or while pushing my boys on the swing (another DUH). 

9/2/07 Edited to say:
As of today, my pulled muscle is better.  If I get in an awkward position it still hurts but I can move and it is better.   I am so glad that the pain has gotten better cause I thought I really might have done something really bad.  Thanks for thinking of me!

Today is my first full day of pureed food.  I am not really sure what to say.  It has been yummy for the most part but I am baffled at my feelings.  The Dr.'s orders call for 3 meals of 1.5ozs with no drinking 30 mins before and 60 mins after and a total of 60g of protein.

Panic...  I can't believe that I just ate that.  I feel panicked that I am going to get FAT.  What?!  It was just 1.5 OZs!  But I feel out of control. 

More, give me more...  As I look over my small little cup of food and eat it I think that I want to eat more.  I read over and over my recipes and want to EAT.

I must say that I have no physical hunger and the head hunger issues are getting better.  One week ago, when I was one week out, I did end up in tears twice but I am better.

I seem to be frantic in search of recipes on what I need to be eating.  I honestly did not get too much guidance from my Dr on what to eat.  I am just grasping at what I think to know is OK. 

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Breakfast:  1.5oz of carb control vanilla yogurt with 1/8tsp of SF strawberry jam

Lunch:  1.5oz of ricotta (part skim) with italian seasonings, garlic salt, pepper, and a small amount of Healthy Choice spaghetti sauce on top

Dinner:  1.5oz of fat free refried beans (el paso) with a splash of taco sauce and a sprinkle of 2% sharp cheddar on top

Well... not really!  I did it on purpose, I laid down on the floor that is...

Last night I decided that I wanted to stretch.  I don't know why, just thought it would be nice.  You know, I am trying to be healthier exercising person.  Anyway, I laid down on the floor and tired to stretch a little while I was watching TV.  My husband had just gone upstairs and I thought he would be right back, not.  I was very uncomfortable and I decided to get up and just couldn't.  I guess you use your stomach muscles a lot more than I thought. 

I thought maybe if I got on my stomach that I could pull my legs up, NOT!  Oh my, then I was stuck on my stomach.  Well, I yelled for Lee a few times and he didn't hear me.  I tried and tried to just move somewhere and couldn't .  What had I done?  The thoughts of calling the fire department to hoist me up went through my head.  How awful is that!?  Like a beached whale!!! 

Well, finally Lee heard me and came down to see what I wanted.  He was not happy that I decided the first time (he can remember) I got in the floor was less than a week after STOMACH surgery.  I think when I started to tear up in pain he realized I was very serious. 

With his help, I was able to roll over on my side and get back on my back.  If I had only stayed there to begin with that would have been so easy.  Lee then pulled me up from a laying position to a sitting position and did not have to use my stomach muscles.  Then I was able to get on up with my arms and knees. 

WTH was I thinking!!!???  Don't try this at home!

YIKES!!  Boy, I was not prepared for that!  I guess I just tried not to think about it but WHOA.  The RN said that normally they suggest to take some pain meds before you come to the office to have it removed but they forgot to tell me when I was discharged.  I am not upset that I was not told cause I really don't like how pain meds make me feel and it only hurt for a couple of mins, REALLY.

I was feeling a little hot when I arrived and Andrea, the RN, took my temp and it was fine.  So, she removed the couple of stitches that were holding the drain in place and told me to take a deep breathe.  About the time I took a breath I felt like someone punched me in the lung and I screamed!  I really did not mean too but it just came out.  Then as quickly as it started, it was out.  I got a little sick feeling and I did puke up a plop of foam.  Andrea got me some diluted juice and I was feeling much better.  I also had a big blood clot on the end of the tubing but she said that she was not concerned because it was in one piece and and did not break off as she pulled it out.  OH and I forgot to mention... when I was gagging... I peed in my pants!!!  I looked at Andrea and said I am so sorry but I just peed!  No problem.  Pee in my pants is really not that big of a deal at this point. 

I must say the JP Drain removal is BRUTAL!  But, if I can do it SO CAN YOU!

• Protein drinks bottled
• Protein powers
• Chapstick
• Pillows
• Robe
• Houseshoes
• Gown
• Hair brush
• Hair bands
• Toothbrush
• Toothpaste
• Deodorant
• Rx
• Mouth piece
• Antibac Wipes
• Shampoo
• Panties
• Tshirt
• Shorts
• Bra
• Pictures
• Book/magazine
• Premier Dr.’s Book
• 3 ring notebook
• Camera
• Cell phone & charger
• Laptop & power cord
• Timers
• Shot glass measuring cup

Emily asked me to give her the detail so this is what I emailed her and I thought it would be a good reminder of what has happened. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am feeling much better today but didn't feel too bad before.  My surgeon must be a perfectionist (love that!) cause they have this book that you must fill out and it helps you keep track of your every min!

Wed - It was good to get up and out so I did not have to think about it too much.  First off, the RN asked me to scrub my belly area with a antibacterial scrubber that was in a foil bag.  Then everyone came in to talk to me - Drs, etc.. and then the RN came back to do my IV.  OH, I hate IVs.  They usually have problems getting my vein and of course it happened again!  They had to poke both of my hands and I did refuse the numbing spray cause it only makes it harder for them to find my vein.  So I ended up with my IV in my Right hand.  I remember going into the OR and then nothing til I was in recovery.  I had tremendous pain when I woke up but it was in my chest not my belly.  They kept on asking me is it your belly!?  NO  So they started to think I was having a heart attack cause my pulse was in the high 90s and my BP was 162/110.  They did another EKG and I was fine.  I am sure that it was the gas in my chest.  Those two things to date have been the worst:  IV and gas pain...  I was still in so much pain in my chest that they delayed my walk until almost bedtime.  They would not take the cath out until I walked but I did not care!  I walked twice that night before bed.  I got up every hour and a half to pee in the night and my husband didn't get much sleep.

Thurs - We were starting our schedule and trying to get the gas out of my chest and was able to get off IV fluids.  Last pain and nausea med before bed.

Friday - Same schedule and got the IV out and went home around noon.  Both legs were ultrasound'd to check for blood clots.  All clear!

Schedule:
Drink 1 to 2 oz of fluid every 15 minutes (use a timer to keep you on track)
Voldyne - breathing exercise 10X every hour
Exercise - seated ankle pumps, ankle rotation, thigh tightening, shoulder shurgs, shoulder rotation, arms up, arms out, bicept curls 15X each every hour
Walking - every two hours walk as tolerated, started at 4 mins at .5 on treadmill and am working up to 5 mins on 1.0 mph adding a min or two every week to one of the walks until you are walking 20 mins

Monday - getting my JP drain removed and very excited!

I am down 16 lbs! and just can't believe it!

You will do great!  I think that the faster you get off the pain meds the better you are cause they really keep you messed up and keep you very sleepy.  I really did not need it for the pain but the gas pain was bad.  I was lucky and did not really have any nausea with my protein drinks (protein shakes & ISO Pure zero carb clear koolaid like drinks), jello, water, juice 50/50 with water.  Keep moving so that you won't get stiff and help get the gas out.

I will forward you my list that I took to the hospital, but I would add that a measured shot glass would be great.  I have a medical one that I have no idea where I got it.. that has tablespoon marks on it (2 T for 1oz).  It just makes it easy to know how much you are drinking at one time.

Today Lee and I along with 5 others had our class that explains everything before surgery.  Krystal the Dietitian, Kelly the Exercise Physiologist, and Sara the RN all spoke about different aspects of the surgery and recovery.

Krystal explained how the vitamins were absorbed and how important it is to drink 64ozs of water and take your vitamins daily. 

Kelly talked about the necessary movements and exercises we need to be doing in the hospital and what we need to be working toward at home. 

Sara explained what we would be going through the morning of the surgery and other possible complications and when to call the Dr. 

It was 3.5 hours long and was packed full of crucial information.  I was surprised to hear some of the requirements but for the most part I was prepared by what I have learned here at OH. 

One week from now, I will be on the losing side.  I always wanted to be a loser and now I will be! 

After seeing my counselor yesterday, I realize that I have put some in my life atop a pedestal and they should not be that blessed to be there.  Unreal expectations of them only lead me to disillusions, confusion, and broken dreams or expectations on my part.  Have I set myself up for failure?  Why is it so important to me about what they think of me?

Why do I think that they should be up so high on that pedestal?  Is it just expected or a cultural norm because of who they are?  Yes, but it shouldn't be really.  It is me that puts them high atop the golden pedestal as the gold standard or epitome of the ultimate person and model citizen.  It is me that has made them in my mind so high and mighty.  *shaking my head*  AND one in particular is so not that - but in my mind and heart I raise them high.  Why?

When I have them up there and look to them for guidance and find no good, why do I continue seeing them as the end all be all?  Why do I even care what they think?  Why do I allow myself to be crushed by their feelings when they should not be blessed to affect me the way they do?  No one, really, should have that power over me and my thoughts...

I feel intimidated and feel that I should look up to them.  Older, yes.  Wiser, maybe about some things.  More experienced, not really in the dealings of my everyday life.  More common sense, can't image it.

All in all, they should not be atop a pedestal in my heart.  I am not saying I am criticizing them or degrading them as a person.  I am just saying that I should not look to them for what the perfect person or life should be.  Role model, they are not.   I can still love them but have to remember that they are just that  - human and not godly.