The Weekly Weigh-In: Week 26

Feb 22, 2012

HW - 248
SW - 233.7
CW - 178.8

Total Weight Loss - 69.2 lbs

I'M OVERWEIGHT!!!!  I never thought I would be happy to use those words...much less want to shout them from the rooftops!  
The label "Obese" has dogged me for the last few years, and I have felt the stigma.  It has affected my relationships with others....and it has affected my relationship with myself.  I have punished MYSELF and thought less of myself for being obese...and I am ashamed to admit that.  I kept thinking, "I can do this on my own.  I can lose this weight on my own."  
I couldn't.  It just took me far longer than it should have to learn that lesson.

Today - I shed the label "obese".  I am finally "overweight".  Am I a svelte, rockin' goddess?  No.  Will I ever be?  Probably not - at least not without the help of plastics...and I am not sure whether I want to undergo any elective surgeries for cosmetic purposes.  We will see how I feel in a year or two.  That being said.  I am overweight.  It feels like a graduation...a promotion...a label that signifies that my work over the last six months has been recognized with a new title.   Fine, there is still stigma attached to that label, but I choose to wear it proudly.  To me, it says, "I am a fighter, committed to changing my life and health...and I am well on my way to reaching my goals."  

I am still almost 34 pounds away from my goal of 145.  It's slow going.  I am a stair-step loser.  I drop a few pounds...then I stall for weeks.  I drop a couple more, then stall for a month.  It's definitely not the wild downward ride I was expecting...my body is marching to the beat of its own drummer, that's for sure.  

There are people with similar pre-op stats and goals who were sleeved when I was sleeved....some of them have already shed all of their weight.  I feel a little pang of jealousy when I see that.   I wanted to be a sleeve superstar - - I wanted to be the girl who dropped 103lbs and hit goal by my 6 month surgiversary.  It didn't happen.  
Why not?  Well - - my body doesn't WANT to let go of 103lbs.  In fact, my body is not happy that I have given away almost 70lbs of padding and insulation.  I guess I can understand that.  So, it is letting go of this weight at its own pace, when it wants to, how it wants to..and in the TINIEST DARN INCREMENTS POSSIBLE.  

I can guarantee that I wouldn't be this far along if I wasn't working my tail off.    And, I mean that.  I hit the treadmill 6 days a week, for at least an hour each time.  Most days, I am in the treadmill for an hour in the morning...and an hour in the evening.  

I get my water in - - religiously.  I am usually OVER 100oz.  I get my protein in...usually OVER 100g, too.  My carbs are kept low.  I used to stay at or under 30...but I have had to increase it to 40 because I use small amounts of carbs prior to workouts (half a banana).  I routinely keep my sodium at or under 1,000mg and try to keep fats at around 20g.  My calories usually stick in the 675-750 range, too.  

Even with adhering to pretty strict nutritional guidelines, I am proof that one can stall for 6-7 weeks at a time.  I have done it. It sucks.  You get discouraged.  That chocolate bar starts to look very inviting.  The french fries start calling...and the burger looks better than it has looked for years.  It's hard to be strong.  Very hard.  I haven't been perfect, but my eating has been very clean most of the time.  And, if I have slipped...I have gotten up, dusted myself off and have taken stock of WHY I slipped.  Did stress get the best of me?  Was I in a social situation where I felt I couldn't decline something?  Was I depressed, or in a hurry?  What would have been a better decision for me?  

I am an addict.  Plain and simple.  My drug of choice is food -- specifically simple carbs.  I am self-destructive when I have them.  I can't have 'one chip'.  I can't have one bite of ice cream.  So, for now...it's best that I don't have them at all.  That doesn't mean that I have to give it up forever.  It simply means that I am not strong enough, NOW, to have a healthy relationship with them...to use them in moderation.  

Now more than ever, my mind is occupied by thoughts of food.  But, the WAY it is occupied has changed.  It used to be full of thoughts of cravings - - I wanted pizza, I wanted fries, I wanted a lot of chocolate.  I wanted, wanted, wanted.  Now, it is a constant carousel of "I need to log my breakfast...how many grams of protein do I need to fit in before my 10am meeting?" or "I have 88 oz of water in for the day...I really need to fit in at least three more glasses between now and bedtime."  And I even have the requisite, "If I want this extra piece of beef jerky, I need to spend 15 more minutes on the treadmill and drink at least 16 more ounces of water to account for the additional calories and sodium."  

It sounds obsessive, and it is.  But, for right now...I need it.  I need accountability, I need structure....I need to learn how to FUEL my body in a healthy manner and to treat food as that fuel, and not a reward or a pleasure.  That doesn't mean that I won't take some pleasure in food...but it means that I need to make logical choices, instead of snap decisions based on mood or cravings.  

I still have a long road ahead of me.  I am nowhere near done.  And, I am earning ever last ounce lost, earning it in sweat and effort and committment.  It's not easy.  This isn't taking the easy way out.  

I am working harder than I ever have in my life.  And, for once, I am successful.  

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