Jessica M.

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Hard times aren't there to keep us down. They're there for a purpose. Like being a butterfly in a cocoon. You half to keep beating your wings against the cocoon layer until your ready to fly.

 

I have been absent for a pretty long time. Not just from the website but from life in general. I was slammed with one thing after the other and it got to a point that I couldn't enjoy my life anymore. I didn't see anything but a black hole with no end insight. It didn't end there. It got much much worse. I have successfully had to worst year of my life with a couple awesome accomplishments.

We got into major financial problems that ended up with bankrupty. Then a job change to San Diego, which was great. Cheaper living, bigger apartment and back to the beach where we always wanted to back to. The downfall was taking my kids away from my parents and the our family. They had built such a relationship, it was magical between them. I knew it would be hard but it would be ok. We were only a 8 hrs away. We been states away before. Well, the time came to move. It was Saturday June 15, 2014. We got everything in the car and ready to go by 12. We said see ya later to my mom and sister, then we drove to my dads work to say good bye to him. We pulled up, I got all the kids out of the car and they hugged him and he told them that he loved them. I made my son Jason give him and extra and hug and kiss and tell him he loved my dad because Jason and my dad spent everyday together. My dad is the only one who got my sons haircut, he would eat over for dinner some nights. He would sleep over with him and they would spend hours just on random days watching westerns together. My dad adored the ground Jason walked on and he adored my dad in return.

I looked at my dad and I began to cry. My dad and I didn't have  much of a relationship until after I started to have kids. But it wasn't till I had Jason that it really took off. We lived across the walk way from my dad. I could see his house out of my windows if I looked. I told him that I loved him, I said to him " I don't live across the way anymore so you need to be careful" We found out 1 month prior to our move that my dad only had 18% of his blood pumping through his heart. It was a miracle he was surviving and has been so functional. Apparently, if you have a pre existing condition, then whatever you do to your body will attack you pre existing condition before the organ it is geard for. For example, my dad! He had a drinking problem, it was pretty bad. He refused to go to the doctors because they would tell him to stop or he will die. Well, one day he called me over to come look at his legs. My dads legs were blended with his ankles and calf. I had my husband come over who works in the medical field in the Navy and he told my dad he thought his heart was failing. We got my dad in the very next day and he spent a week in the hospital trying to figure out how to get him stable and find a way to get him stable for the rest of his life. Thankfully, they did get him ok. They were also trying different meds to help regulate him when he got home. So I basically went to my dad the day we moved and I said good bye. I knew in my heart my dad was going to die. I just didn't know when. I've moved lots of times. I never said good bye to people I love or remain friends with. I always say see you later. For some reason, my dad and I both said good bye.

We got to San Diego and my dad called me at 9:45pm, we talked for a minute while I was still driving and he asked me to find him a Job on Monday when I got my internet on because he wanted to be with us and his grandbabies. I told him I would and then I said I had to go cuz I was pulling into our new home. We unloaded my moving truck till 3 am, we went to bed. At 9:45 am , on fathers day and my sisters sweet 16th birthday my mom was calling me asking if I had heard from my dad. I said no, she said she was going to go to his house. My parents were separated due to his alcohol but they were dating again and they still saw each other at least 3-4 x a week for whatever was going on with kids and what not. The next call I got was my mom completely freaking out. Repeating over and over again that she could hear his tv on and wont answer the door. Shes panicing at the this point and her voice threw me into panic. She kept repeating in this desperation voice over and over again that she can see him, he wont answer, he wont get up, she doesn't know what to do, she can see him threw the window and he wont get up she was so desperate. I felt my body go limp and I started to shake like I have never felt before and I couldn't control it. I started to scream OH MY GOD over and over again. My husband grabbed the phone and told her to call 911 and call us back. He kept saying, we don't know for sure Jessica. Lets wait and see, but I knew. I couldn't stop shaking and screaming. I had always been by  my moms side when it came to my dad. I had gone to his house many times, knocking and no answer but I too could hear the tv on. He just slept through it all. I would go to him knowing I could find him dead and I thought I was prepared as one could be for that moment. I realized I wasn't there, my mom was ALONE.

I stopped screaming, I kept shaking but I instantly started to make phone calls. I called the second person my mom would call after me. My Uncle Jimmy...... It was fathers day. I didn't keep that in mind. He answered the phone, " Hi Sweetheart, how are you"......... I had also been sick prior to moving so the first things he heard out of my mouth was mom and then squealing..... I started to cry immediately and talk at the same time. I squealed because I had no voice. He knew something was obviously wrong so he said honey I cant hear you half to slow down and say it again. I took a deep breathe and got it out of my mouth " My dad is dead". He said what. Then I explained my mom went to find him and he was gone. She was there by herself at his apartment and someone needed to get to her asap. He asked where my sister was. She didn't know yet. Then I called my other Uncle and the same thing happened. I squealed, I found myself having to repeat the words over and over again because no one could understand me. My uncles apparently figured out what they needed to do because one went to my mom and one went to my sister. My mom called my sister and told her over the phone while my uncle was there. My mom couldn't/ wouldn't leave my dads side. I called my best friend who lived in San Diego and she came got clothes in a bag, called the airport and I got on the longest 2 hr flight of my life. One at which the entire airport kept saying, have a happy fathers day. I was that crazy girl in the isle seating balling her eyes out uncontrollably as privately as I could. I did a good job at it, minus a few stares. No one asked me if I was ok!!!!

My Uncle picked me up from the airport. I got in the car and said not a whole lot. He and my mom just left my dads house. They just got him all out of his house. I pulled into the drive way. My mom drove my dads truck home. My mom and my sister were sitting on the stairs silently crying waiting for me. I got out and went straight to them and wrapped my arms around both of them. My sister and my mom cried and said they were sorry. I looked at them and told them we all lost something here and no one is to be sorry because none of us knew. The entire week I keep up my upper lip. My mom and sister needed me. I went to his apartment and picked out his clothes with my sister. I picked out his urn and lettering. I picked the music. We did it in style, the way my dad would want it. Or at least what we thought.

Its been a year, I still hear that phone call over and over in my head. I still remember my last good bye with him. My son Jason still cries hysterically begging for his papa back. I made him a doll with my dads picture as the face and a voice box with my dad talking to him from a video I had taken. That helps him...... I have fallen into so many pieces. I do not talk about it with my mom or my sister because I do not want to add my pain onto theirs. So I listen to and comfort them at all costs. Sometimes it angers me. My mom says a lot of I. I did this and I did that like she was the only one to do it. I did a lot more then she thinks. I called 911 when he thought he was having a heart attack and he was crying he was sorry and he loved me. I saw him on the floor grabbing his chest not her. She saw him feeling much better at the hospital. There were so many things she didn't see that I  and things I also did to help him and take care of him. But I let it all go because its not my place to say anything right now. My sister is starting to act out with it all. She has a heart condition. She had open heart surgery at 5 months old and still will need another to fix the wholes and leakages but shes smoking and drinking.

On top of that we had to move again only 8 months after his death to a new place again for the military this time. Which was a blessing for myself as far as memories tied to his death go and also because we are now in a beautiful house that we needed to be in for our kids. I could probably write as short chapter book on my last 2 years........

I find myself hating life. I see my kids and I see in their face they are walking on egg shells with me.  I smiled at Samantha on her last day of school and she asked me why I was smiling. I just because I was and then asked her why. She said because I don't smile, I said yes I do and she said not that I see anymore. My other daughter spilt something on the floor after I had been cleaning for hours. I knew my im gonna kill you meter shot up and I walked into my room instead and let my husband deal with it because I couldn't without doing bad things. My daughter comes up stairs and proceeds to tell me she is sorry, it was their fault and they will take care of it. At that moment, I knew for sure I needed to change. I always know when something is wrong with me because I get very bad ocd till my skin peels off from chemicals. So I already had indication that something was wrong because ocd had been here awhile but I thought I was fine. Till these moments started to happen. I started to think back on this year and I completely dis engaged from my family. I didn't cuddle my kids, I didn't play with them, I didn't let them do fun things because I couldn't handle the thought of a dirty house. I had no energy or want to take them any where. I completely shut down. My eldest started to stop wanting me and my love. My others stayed away most of the time..... I am now faced with not only am I completely shattered on the inside and I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PUT IT BACK TOGETHER. But I also face that I am a terrible mother. I am exactly who I never wanted to be and I nothing like who my heart knows I am.

That made me more depressed to realize how bad I was and how bad it got. I gained 30lbs from eating my way happy. Hence, the reason its 30 because clearly I'm still not at happy. These past 3 weeks I been going to be and waking up with a more conscious effort to be who my heart knows I am. I fall on my face some times but I start a new day knowing who I aspire to be and I do my best to get there. One day it will just happen. For now, I need to get my weight off, I need to vent to people who can relate with me and I need to know that life is perfect as is and my best is good enough. I also will start to do more for me. Not be who everyone else wants me to be.

I need to come on here more often because when I look back at my pictures and when I browse photo's from other profiles it puts a bug up my butt and  makes me want to get my butt back in gear. I tend to have lazy moments. I still eat great and thats something that I am proud to say that I have changed in my life so I maintain a 170 weight give or take a few lbs depending on pms days.....lol

I need the motivation to loose the final 18 lbs I want to loose by going to the gym and working for it. I get caught up in life and 4 kids that I let it be my excuse.........

Sometimes it makes me sad seeing the before and after photos because I know the potential I could have got if I wouldnt have got pregnant. I swear I did everything I could to avoid it..... I dont regret my son, I cant imagine my life without him but I also feel very disappointed in myself  because I gave up my potential to have my baby....... Now I half to work so hard to get the weight off and well.... I had the surgery because my body just wouldnt let me loose the weight no matter how hard I try, no matter how many hours I put in, no matter how many times I puke from working so hard. I can't loose it. With the surgery, it still hasnt changed anything on that sense. It has helped me maintain but not change............

II should be proud to have lost 110lbs but I cant help but look at the fact that I could have lost a lot more....... Im sabatoging myself because I cant get past my mistake...... But I refuse to go back to where I was. I will NEVER be fat again. For me, it was the most pain that I have ever emotionally been through and I will not go back to that. I am a fighter damn it. I am a fighter. I just need to dig in me and find the fight. Im strong enough to maintain but searching for the strong to keep going..... Its taking me a really really long time..... I have no support what so ever. In fact, my mom just told me that I look fat....

Mind you!!! My mom just had the surgery cuz she wanted to be skinny like me. She's 2 weeks out and doesnt follow any of her eating guidliness, she hasnt stopped smoking and is going back to soda.... she nibbles on chips instead of fruit or jello or pudding, she has 1 bonless bbq chicken wing, she nibbles on ice cream and what ever else is in the house.

Yet she cant support me, she didnt come visit me in the hospital, infact the day I got home I had to go to her house and see her. She calls me for everything!!!! I wish I could tell her NO.....

I WISH I DIDNT GO TO BED AT NIGHT STILL HATEING ME!! I love how I look but I know I could have done better. I love how my kids are with me but I wish I could be better. I want to feel full, you know accomplished!!!

I think I need therapy. I am totally willing to starve myself to stay skinny and get skinnier. I am so terrified that its killing me. Literally cant sleep, I am terrified of everything that I put in my mouth. If I eat more then I should my mind and body goes into complete freak out mode. If I eat something that isnt good for me and really shouldnt be eatting I go into complete freak mode. My feel like im going to have a mental break down. My body feels like its crawling and my insides feel like they hurt and like im disgusted in myself.

Im having a hard time loosing weight, I can keep it off but loseing it is so hard and im terrified of food and gaining weight. Yet, when something gets put infront of me I almost always eat it. I do have times that I dont but I mostly do. If its in my house I eat it till its gone... YET IM TERRIFIED AND I PANIC AND I FEEL ANXIOUS, I FEEL DISGUSTED, I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE, I CANT SLEEP, I CANT FUNCTION MENTALLY AND ALL I DO IS BEAT UP ON MYSELF.

I HATE ME!!! I.....HATE.....ME!!!!

I know I need help...... I been alone in this my entire post surgery. No doctors have checked up on me and when I call they say im pass my time when I am soooooo not. So I gave up going to them cuz how can I trust someone who doesnt even keep track of me. No therapy to help me, no nutrition classes or anything. Im alone.... as usual and I was doing ok till now!!!!!

IM SCARED!!!!

I gained 2 pounds........

Why cant I get out of this rute that im in....... Why damn it!!!!

All I wanna do is jump off a balcony. I feel so ripped to pieces that I gained 2 lbs and havent been to the gym in 4 days..... I hate myself, yet I cant find it in me to go.....

I have no words, I just feel angry pain......

My children are my excuse. Everything I do affects them. Im not rich, I cant just up and take a $5,000 vacation cuz I want to. I cant just go back to college because I have 4 kids and no one to help me, my husband works his butt off to support us so he cant just stay home to watch them. One day, I will go on that vacation, I will change career paths like I want to, but for now I wont do it at the expense of taking from my children. Their activites, time and devotion is more important to me then anything else. I will not regret that decision and I will not apologize for it. My kids will grow up happy, healthy and full of love. They will remember every activity I supported them in and put them in, no matter the cost. They will remember that I was there to cheer them on in life, in sports, in comfort and in love. They will look back and share how involved I was in their lives and I hope that they grow up to being amazing, loving, generous, successful adults in life because I loved them with everything I had to give.

Im proud to say that I didnt eat the ice cream I really wanted because she isnt worth sabatoging myself......

I recieved a letter from someone who I thought was my best friend, shes the god mother to my children. She was my family 100%......

She said some really mean things to me. She in a nut shell said I have done nothing with my life and I make excuses for everything.. Im blown away that, that is how she views me. She thinks that my 4 children are excuses. I told her she will understand one day since she has no responsabilities at all. No children, no bills, still lives with her and dad who still take care of her in every way. She has no idea how to run a washer and dryer or the dish washer ( not even exaggerating, she really doesnt). She was really mean and it hurts so bad to think she thinks of me like that and she says this is the new her. So I choose to morn the person who used to be and say good bye to the new her... I can never look at her the same or feel free to talk to her again. I could never be the same with her.....

My heart hurts so bad...........

All I want is some chocolate ice cream with brownies in it.....

THIS KILLS ME BECAUSE TODAY I FINALLY GOT MY ENERGY BACK AND MY MOTIVATION TO BEAT THIS STUMP AND THIS HAPPENS AND I WANNA CRAWL BACK IN MY WHOLE. I DONT WANNA GET FAT AGAIN SO I WONT BUT IT HURTS BAD.....

Today I had high hopes to get my butt up and get busy. I been in a really bad funk and I punished myself by not working out and being very active.......

I have been doing sooooo good with busting my butt and if I take one day to relax to spend time with my husband who I barely see. I get erally depressed and I feel like a failure and like I will wake up tomorrow 100lbs heavier. I know its just me freaking out but I cant help but freak out. Then I start to miss more days because I have a poor pitty me party. I NEED OUT OF THIS FUNK!!!

I have it in me to do this. I think its just that my hormones are just trying really hard to get back to normal. Its only been a month since I gave birth and I have my first menstral cycle which is no fun either..... I need to find my Umph!!! I have it in me, I just got to find it.

Tomorrow is a new day, no one can take that from me. Do or Dont, there is no try!!!!

Hey Everyone,

    It's been a long time since I have been on here. I half to admit that I fell off the face of the earth because I was very upset in myself. I was embaressed and not willing to share because I didnt want to be looked at in a bad way. I was looking at myself in those ways.

   10 months I got pregnant and now I am a mother of 4. I welcomed my new baby boy on Nov 30th..... He has been a pretty good baby so far. I'm a lucky woman to have 4 healthy, happy, easy babies. He was 6lbs 14 oz which is the smallest baby I have ever had. Mine were all 8.5lbs and up. The surgery causes you to have smaller babies, which was totally ok with me....lol

   I am finding now that its really affecting me. I really want to share this for those who are looking to have a baby after surgery.

   Durning my pregnancy I did really good with eating. I didnt want anything sweet at all. I had a little thing for carbs but I definately made sure to watch my intake for fear of gaining to much weight. My downfall with this all is that the doctors told me that I needed to not work out and I had to leave my schooling because I had went back to Culinary school and the labor is to demanding. I was only 6 months into my surgery when I got pregnant so the amount of food I was eatting was so little and baby needs 300 calories from you. I was eating just about that and that was it. In the 10 months that I was pregnant I literally watched 100 lbs just drop off of me. I didnt work for it. It tore me up everyday knowing that I wasnt working out and working on it. Even the 6 months after surgery before I got pregnant I was working out and tehn waking up the next morning 2-3 lbs lighter everyday. I watched this weight literally just melt off of me. Now im 14 months into surgery post op and im 183 lbs and I wish with eveyrhting in me that my belly was so much smaller then it is. I go to the gym almost everyday and watch what I eat but it isnt shrinking. I know I just had a baby so my belly is swollen. But im having a very hard time because im going to the gym and weight isnt just dropping off by the next morning. I am working so hard and im not seeing any results.
 
   Getting pregnant and haveing the surgery didnt teach me to work for it like I was supposed to. Prior to pregnancy, like I said I was working out and the results were instant. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that getting pregnant I had to push my stomach past its limit on eating to give my baby what he needed to be healthy. 14 months in surgery I eat a little more then supposed to at this point and my system has severally slowed down. Im back to normal and that kills me. The surgery was so hard for me and I worked so hard to get it and I worked hard after. Getting pregnant ruined the weight loss for me.

    Now, I feel like I wanna starve myself. Even if I drop dead. All I want is to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to buy a pair of pants and not have a jelly role hanging over it. My arms and legs are fine, I have some hanging skin because I wasnt able to weight lift and tighten up the skin as I lost weight but my belly is still big compared to my body. I look like I did when I was 5 months pregnant. My belly is still swollen and is the biggest part on my body. I feel like im working so hard and its not going away. I half to realize and im having a very hard time realizing that my body is back to normal so results arent going to happen over night. I am very discouraged and days I really want to just give up. BUT I WILL FOREVER REFUSE TO GO BACK TO THE OLD ME. 

   The other day I was bathing my little one and my husband came in and I was using the toilet as a chair while leaning in and bathing my baby and he bent over and grabbed under mylegs and lifted me straight up. I have never had my husband be able to lift me before. Its moments like that, that remind me I will never go back. What ever it take, I will never give those moments up for food. Its not worth it!!!!!

   After having my son, I have never craved sweets so bad in my life. I had 4 children and was up to 300lbs and I can say with full confidence that I never eve experianced cravings the way I do now that I have had my son. I dont understand why at all. In the first 2 weeks after giving birth I gave into them .I couldnt avoid it. It would keep me awake at night and it was like my body was aching for it and my  mouth wouldnt salivating and my brain wouldnt think about anything else. I couldnt handle it and I gave in everytime. I gained 5lbs because of it. I slowly started to ween myself off of it. Now I am doing os much better. I have my moments of weakness whcih completely mentally tears me up inside because I am so afraid of becoming fatter.

    My point is that, I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go. I half to do this all over again with slower results. This is very very hard for me. I recommend, if you can, to wait till you have fully lost everything you are going to in your surgery process and you leanr how to be normal with your new life before you get pregnant because its so difficult, physically and mentally to do it before.....

   I dont have any support or help in this. My husband still trys to offer me late night pie's and candies even after I have had many conversations with him about how I need him to not do that and support me. So I come on here and I write till everything on my mind is out so that I can deal better on a daily basis. I need help and this website is my outlet....... I hate being alone....

I am having a very very hard time with this!!!! :'o(

I'm 7 months out from my surgery and I have lost 80 lbs. I am incrediably proud of myself...till now!!!!

I have been doing everything to prevent ny complications. I do feel I could eat better and have lost more weight by now but it is what it is and all I can doit be better. Thats something that I need to dig deep inside me again and do. I will... I need so much support. I need someone to talk to and someone to work out with. Here is my issue. Other then  needing to find my strength again. I am purly upset and my husband.

    John has been wanting 4 children and I keep telling him I am fine with the 3 we have. He didnt like that answer and now im knocked up. I tried everything to prevent being pregnant and I do feel he totally sabatoged me. Dont get me wrong, babies are a blessing and I will ALL my children. I didnt want this though. I was happy where I was. I was finally finding myself. This pregnancy sets me back. I am already craving things I shouldnt be eating and being pregnant makes the instense need for it. I dont think im strong enough to do this. 
   
     I cant even begin to tell how horrible it makes me feel too. I half to be watched all the time. The other day I litterally almost dropped myself and my son down the stairs because I went so weak so fast. It also makes my lungs and everything weak. I cant catch my breathe to breath. I need to sit asap and keep telling myself to take deep breathes and it finally works.
  
   I am so upset about this. I have no one to talk to about it. Its summer and I wanted to buy a new swim suite and feel skinnier in it. I wanted to ride roller coasters because I am thin enough to not feel like I wont fit or break the ride. I wanted to swim with the dolphins.

I will love my child so please dont think that I am horriable person. I am excited to hold them and to create another bond and to do everything I can to make them have an amazing life.
 
   I finally found me!!!! Now im stopped dead in my tracks, eating, exercize, the new me is all stopped again. Possible going back to who I was. I am terrified, weak, alone and not prepared, ready or happy as I should be.

   I have a million mixed feelings between happy and sad. I'm alone damn it!!

         The days are going bye so damn fast, ITS BEEN ALMOST 6 MONTHS SINCE MY SURGERY. I feel like I am blinking and I am missing my oppurtunity. Even though I am loosing the weight. I feel like I am missing my gift, like its passing me by and I am being left in the FAT dust. 
         I feel that way because I know I am not giving it my all. Which is whats truly disappionting me. I am better then that.  I went to Bally's and I signed up for a membership and I have been going faithfully until this last week. I could write a book about what has happened to me in this past week. But I wasnt able to go so that feeling of worthless ness has set it. I cant get past feeling like a failure that I havnt gone into the gym this last week. I hate this feeling because if I stay fat, I have no one else to blame but myself. So I am going to take a deep breathe and tell myself that, I am worth it, I am doing the best that I can, I will be back in the gym and I will NEVER let it happen again. I will be the best that I can be to myself because I deserve it.
        I am going to work hard and put in the effort for myself and my family because we deserve it. I know that I am not this weak and it pisses me off that I let myself, get to myself. You know what I mean? I need to stop being lazy. I need to not let anything get in my way and get myself and go to the gym. In 3 weeks I want to be under 200 lbs. I need to teach myself how to get there and stay there. No matter what, because I deserve to be happy damn it. No one can take this from me but me.
  
       I keep rambling on and on becasue I am really disappointed in myself. I cant believe how back I feel for not going to the gym. Before it would have been like, what ever I dont care, I hate it there anyways. I dont hate it so much anymore and I can really work it unlike before. I just cant believe how I feel for not going. I cant believe myself. I cant believe that I am not taking this gift by the horns and running with it...... I am, just not the effort I feel I can give.

HATING MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!! GOD I WISH I COULD BE ME! I WISH THE FAT ME MENTALITY WOULD GO AWAY!!!!! I AM BETTER THEN THIS DAMN IT.... I AM BETTER THEN THIS.......