Jessica M.
Eh
Feb 08, 2011
"Faith"
Hey there sad eyes
What's on your mind
Don't look so down
Give it sometime
You don't have to be
So hard on yourself
I know the world can be a brutal place
Please don't let it steal your smile away
[chorus]
Cause when the sky's the darkest
You can see the stars
And when you fall the hardest
You find how strong you are
Close your eyes
Rest awhile
Its been a long long day
So come on baby baby
Have a little faith
Let those tears fall
You gave it your all
It's all you can do
I'll be here for you
And there goes your pride
Cruhed on the ground
Sometimes it takes a wall to tumble down
For you to see who's gonna stick around
[chorus]
Cause when the sky's the darkest
You can see the stars
And when you fall the hardest
You find how strong you are
Close your eyes
Rest awhile
Its been a long long day
So come on baby baby
Have a little faith
Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better (yeah)
And it takes so much to be brave
Sometimes it feels it'll forever
But when all the lights begin to fade
[chorus]
And when the sky's the darkest
You can see the stars
And when you fall the hardest
You find how strong you are
Close your eyes
Rest awhile
Its been a long long day
So come on baby baby
Come on baby baby
And have a little faith
Have a little faith
Oohh oh oohh
Have a little faith
Have a little faith
0 comments
Hey there sad eyes
What's on your mind
Don't look so down
Give it sometime
You don't have to be
So hard on yourself
I know the world can be a brutal place
Please don't let it steal your smile away
[chorus]
Cause when the sky's the darkest
You can see the stars
And when you fall the hardest
You find how strong you are
Close your eyes
Rest awhile
Its been a long long day
So come on baby baby
Have a little faith
Let those tears fall
You gave it your all
It's all you can do
I'll be here for you
And there goes your pride
Cruhed on the ground
Sometimes it takes a wall to tumble down
For you to see who's gonna stick around
[chorus]
Cause when the sky's the darkest
You can see the stars
And when you fall the hardest
You find how strong you are
Close your eyes
Rest awhile
Its been a long long day
So come on baby baby
Have a little faith
Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better (yeah)
And it takes so much to be brave
Sometimes it feels it'll forever
But when all the lights begin to fade
[chorus]
And when the sky's the darkest
You can see the stars
And when you fall the hardest
You find how strong you are
Close your eyes
Rest awhile
Its been a long long day
So come on baby baby
Come on baby baby
And have a little faith
Have a little faith
Oohh oh oohh
Have a little faith
Have a little faith
~~~~~It's just one of those weeks~~~~~
Feb 07, 2011
The past 2-3 days have been really hard on me. I have a quote, Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
Right now that quote makes me feel like.... well then what the hell is wrong with me.
The past few days I have had life slap me in the face and kick me harder when I am down. I am not liking what I see. Yet I have not done anything about it. What is wrong with me.
I have spent this whole day crying on and off.
Where's my Whole?
Feb 06, 2011
I think im dieing. Its official I am so sick and I can barely function. I can honestly say that being sick after surgery is the worst I have ever felt. I have even had a neumonia before and didnt feel this bad.
Not like this at all. I cant even hide, hubby goes to work at 1 and im stuck with all 3 kids and 5 louds of laundry.........
wheres my whole!!!!
~~~~*Baby Steps*~~~~
Feb 05, 2011
Today I celebrated my daughters 5th birthday. I got up and worked my butt off getting her princess themed party together. I even made princess snacks. They were amazing. Family drama and everything along with it.
I am exhausted and after getting home, bathing all my kids plus my niece I wanted to just get into bed and crawl in my little whole and be gone with myself...lol
But I got my leggings on and grabbed my water bottle and I went to the Gym. I am lucky because the apartments I live in has a nice gym for me to use. Best part is its right underneath me. Which is also the sad part. But husband was home and I had a few to go and work out.
30 mins in the gym, 1 mile on the olyptical and arm weights. Not much, but I need to start small. Now I am waiting to drink my protein. By the way, thats the hardest for me. I really hate it, it tastes so nasty. I drink it really really fast. Milk and a scoop of strawberry protein. Quick and easy, still nasty but not as bad....lol
Baby steps and Ill get my game back....
Baby Steps!!!!
I need help!!
Feb 04, 2011
I am failing myself. I have fallen off the band wagoon. I have no support, no help and I have lost myself.
God, for the first time in years I was finding me. Actually, the first time ever I found myself. I was so comfortable with who I was becoming. Then I got tired, I got lazy.
My husband brings me donuts and I try not to eat them and I get mad at him for doing it. By lunch I am so hungry and they are there that I eat one. I still cant eat a lot at all. But I cant find my footing. I am eating what I want instead of what I need. I am not loosing weight. Its been 3 weeks and no loss. I havnt worked out in 2 months. I know I am doing wrong.
I am sooo tired, I go to school and I have 3 kids who are all under 5 years old. I am looking to get a Job at night. My husband and I dont see one another for more then 10 mins a day because of work and school. If I need to go to the gym, I have no one to watch my kids while I do it. Did, I mention I am TIRED!!!!
I am loosing my battle and I dont want to be this I need help. I need a partner who can motivate me or support me. Somoene who understand how I am feeling and will sympathiz with me but still push me to work out. I need help. I dont want to be the old me again but I dont know how to let it go. I dont know who to be better. I need help!!!
0 comments
God, for the first time in years I was finding me. Actually, the first time ever I found myself. I was so comfortable with who I was becoming. Then I got tired, I got lazy.
My husband brings me donuts and I try not to eat them and I get mad at him for doing it. By lunch I am so hungry and they are there that I eat one. I still cant eat a lot at all. But I cant find my footing. I am eating what I want instead of what I need. I am not loosing weight. Its been 3 weeks and no loss. I havnt worked out in 2 months. I know I am doing wrong.
I am sooo tired, I go to school and I have 3 kids who are all under 5 years old. I am looking to get a Job at night. My husband and I dont see one another for more then 10 mins a day because of work and school. If I need to go to the gym, I have no one to watch my kids while I do it. Did, I mention I am TIRED!!!!
I am loosing my battle and I dont want to be this I need help. I need a partner who can motivate me or support me. Somoene who understand how I am feeling and will sympathiz with me but still push me to work out. I need help. I dont want to be the old me again but I dont know how to let it go. I dont know who to be better. I need help!!!
Exhaustion
Oct 17, 2010
This surgery has definatly strained me in the sense that I am so extremely tired all of the time. I know that right now thats due to not as much vitamins as I am supposed to get in my system.
Its 7:56pm and im beat. I dont even want to finish this post. There is a lot that I want to say and a lot that I want to post. I just dont have it in me. Im sorry world. Good Night.
0 comments
Its 7:56pm and im beat. I dont even want to finish this post. There is a lot that I want to say and a lot that I want to post. I just dont have it in me. Im sorry world. Good Night.
The Hardest Journey Ever Taken
Sep 22, 2010
Hello World,
I feel like this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. I hated this process so much that I cried histerically every day. Here's why:
The nutritionist makes you learn how to eat 3 meals a day. I was so used to eatting one, two if I was lucky. Then they turn around and litterally make you fast for 2 days prior to surgery. The first day was painful, I had head aches and stomach aches so bad. All I wanted to do was eat. All I wanted to do was forget about this whole process and put food in my mouth. Then the second it was easier because my stomach didnt hurt for food as bad. But emotionally I was a wreke. When your body is deprived of its essentials you go crazy. I dont mean that in away like I wanted to. You automatically cant control your emotions. I have never ever in my life wanted to quit something so bad. But I did it, dont ask me how I just did. That night I cried so hard I couldnt even keep my eyes open. My husband just held me and kept telling me it was going to be ok and he supported my decision on doing the surgery or not.
I woke that morning and I went to the hospital and I started to get really scared. I was shaking and snappy and tears were falling here and there. I went into the prep room and they had a hard time finding my veins for the IV and that was painful. The doctor wanted me to go into surgery sooner then expected so they brought my family in and my son was there because my girls were in daycare/preschool. I looked at my son and I started to really cry because I knew that I was doing this for him but at the sametime things go wrong all the time. I have never ever been in a surgery nor have have I ever had any kind of stitsches or staples before. I looked at my nurse while in tears and all I could say is "if I have the possibility of dieing in here, then I would rather be fat then leave my babies". They gave me some volume to calm me down and it helped only a little bit. I said bye to everyone and then I was on my way to the surgery room. I transferred beds and they were strapping my arms down and I started to panic. I remember saying in my head, " no, I dont want this im done get me off". Right before I could voice it, I was out cold, thats the last thing I remember. I heard them talking and laughing and me saying what I said and then out. I was expecting them to aks me to count down or atleast warn me.
When I woke up I saw my husband walking towards me with the family behind him. I was in so much pain. I keep telling everyone my chest hurts it hurt so bad. Aparently, when you are in surgery they pump a lot of air into your body and its gets trapped in places. Mine was in my rib cage. The first day of surgery and they day after was the most pain I had ever felt in my life. The gas is so intense and it stays there. They say walk as much as possible to help get it out and it didnt help at all. I was very pissed off about that because that wasnt something that I was told. It was so painful.
My second day out of surgery and they took the morphine drip away and that was not fun for me at all. I still had so much gas in my stomach and it was bubbling so hard. It was the most uncomfortable thing ever. It still hurt but not as bad as previous days. I felt it hit my stitches and staples, it hurt. They kept asking me if I had passed gas yet and I couldnt. My neighbor next me was but I couldnt. Finally, I felt like I needed to use the bathroom. So I went in, sat down and huge release of so much stuff coming out. I wiped and it was blood. I stood up and I filled the toilet with blood. I freaked and got my nurse and she called my doctor and they came back and told me that it wasnt common but it was ok because it was dark which means its old blood. If it was bright red then it would be mean im bleeding from the inside. So, I keep having to use the bathroom and get ride of a lot of blood. I eventually passed a couple gas farts but not alot. Still my stomach is uncomfortable. I hadnt passed any more blood in about 16 hours so I went home.
Now that I home, it hasnt gotten any easier. No I am not hungry per say, but the smell of food cooking was killing me. I hated the broth and jello. If I never see broth or jello again I will die happy. I have never ever enjoyed broth. Jellos is getting old. I would just cry, plus being in pain and constantly having the taste of medicine in my mouth is the worst. I missed the taste of food in my mouth and I missed the way it felt. I smelt it nightly. I told everyone as much as I could how much I hated it and was waiting for this to be worth it. It wasnt worth it at the time. I started to not be able to pass gas again, and then the bleeding has started again. Not a lot like it was. Its black now and gritty( I know TMI but its good for people to know these things happen). I havent had a bouwl movement yet either. When I try its just black stuff.
Im 8 days out now. The difference I feel between day 5 and now is 100% different. This is getting worth it now.
Next Blog will explain.....
0 comments
I feel like this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. I hated this process so much that I cried histerically every day. Here's why:
The nutritionist makes you learn how to eat 3 meals a day. I was so used to eatting one, two if I was lucky. Then they turn around and litterally make you fast for 2 days prior to surgery. The first day was painful, I had head aches and stomach aches so bad. All I wanted to do was eat. All I wanted to do was forget about this whole process and put food in my mouth. Then the second it was easier because my stomach didnt hurt for food as bad. But emotionally I was a wreke. When your body is deprived of its essentials you go crazy. I dont mean that in away like I wanted to. You automatically cant control your emotions. I have never ever in my life wanted to quit something so bad. But I did it, dont ask me how I just did. That night I cried so hard I couldnt even keep my eyes open. My husband just held me and kept telling me it was going to be ok and he supported my decision on doing the surgery or not.
I woke that morning and I went to the hospital and I started to get really scared. I was shaking and snappy and tears were falling here and there. I went into the prep room and they had a hard time finding my veins for the IV and that was painful. The doctor wanted me to go into surgery sooner then expected so they brought my family in and my son was there because my girls were in daycare/preschool. I looked at my son and I started to really cry because I knew that I was doing this for him but at the sametime things go wrong all the time. I have never ever been in a surgery nor have have I ever had any kind of stitsches or staples before. I looked at my nurse while in tears and all I could say is "if I have the possibility of dieing in here, then I would rather be fat then leave my babies". They gave me some volume to calm me down and it helped only a little bit. I said bye to everyone and then I was on my way to the surgery room. I transferred beds and they were strapping my arms down and I started to panic. I remember saying in my head, " no, I dont want this im done get me off". Right before I could voice it, I was out cold, thats the last thing I remember. I heard them talking and laughing and me saying what I said and then out. I was expecting them to aks me to count down or atleast warn me.
When I woke up I saw my husband walking towards me with the family behind him. I was in so much pain. I keep telling everyone my chest hurts it hurt so bad. Aparently, when you are in surgery they pump a lot of air into your body and its gets trapped in places. Mine was in my rib cage. The first day of surgery and they day after was the most pain I had ever felt in my life. The gas is so intense and it stays there. They say walk as much as possible to help get it out and it didnt help at all. I was very pissed off about that because that wasnt something that I was told. It was so painful.
My second day out of surgery and they took the morphine drip away and that was not fun for me at all. I still had so much gas in my stomach and it was bubbling so hard. It was the most uncomfortable thing ever. It still hurt but not as bad as previous days. I felt it hit my stitches and staples, it hurt. They kept asking me if I had passed gas yet and I couldnt. My neighbor next me was but I couldnt. Finally, I felt like I needed to use the bathroom. So I went in, sat down and huge release of so much stuff coming out. I wiped and it was blood. I stood up and I filled the toilet with blood. I freaked and got my nurse and she called my doctor and they came back and told me that it wasnt common but it was ok because it was dark which means its old blood. If it was bright red then it would be mean im bleeding from the inside. So, I keep having to use the bathroom and get ride of a lot of blood. I eventually passed a couple gas farts but not alot. Still my stomach is uncomfortable. I hadnt passed any more blood in about 16 hours so I went home.
Now that I home, it hasnt gotten any easier. No I am not hungry per say, but the smell of food cooking was killing me. I hated the broth and jello. If I never see broth or jello again I will die happy. I have never ever enjoyed broth. Jellos is getting old. I would just cry, plus being in pain and constantly having the taste of medicine in my mouth is the worst. I missed the taste of food in my mouth and I missed the way it felt. I smelt it nightly. I told everyone as much as I could how much I hated it and was waiting for this to be worth it. It wasnt worth it at the time. I started to not be able to pass gas again, and then the bleeding has started again. Not a lot like it was. Its black now and gritty( I know TMI but its good for people to know these things happen). I havent had a bouwl movement yet either. When I try its just black stuff.
Im 8 days out now. The difference I feel between day 5 and now is 100% different. This is getting worth it now.
Next Blog will explain.....
One Moment In Time
Sep 19, 2010
Hello World,
Although I doubt there is anyone out there listening. I do half to say that I am glad that im bloging today and not yesterday or any day before that. Guess I will just tell you about myself.
My name is Jessica, im 25 years old and married to a retired Navy Corpsman of 8 years. We have 3 children, Jordan Mykala is 4 years old and Samantha Allie is 2. Jason, my little Bubba is 1. I married my husband when I was 18, he is my middle school sweet heart. He is my best friend in the whole world. I've pretty much been heavy set all my life. I fluctuated for awhile as we all do but after my first daughter I have never seen 250 again until 2 days ago. Life as a military wife got stressful, its not a job that anyone can handle. Your alone 10 months out of the year with your children, constantly wondering whether he is gonna die this time or not.
My entire family is heavy set, including married into family members. I love to cook. I went to 2 different Culinary schools. I have never known how to truly cook a yummy healthy meal. Yummy is fat, thats what I have been shown my whole life. And boy can I put it down, sometimes I dont even know where I put it. Luckily, I have never been uncontrollably fat. I love all my veggies and my fruits. I love salads with ever dinner and fruit with ever breakfast. I used to be told at an early age that I can be taught how to be pretty and skinny. Mind you this is from my aunt who at the time is large herself. I used to be called summo by my uncle. The funny thing is im not the person who can sit here and say that I was teased in school and bullyed because I wasnt. I think it was because of my size. Im 6"0 and have always been tall. People saw me as a threat but I wasnt. I used to love sitting in a corner all by myself, not talking to anyone. Technically, if it wasnt for my sister in law who used to be my best friend in the whole wide world, I wouldnt have any friends. I followed her all through out middle school. She was teased, then I would get the evil eye going. Only once in my life have I ever almost beat the crap outta someone. Once I get comfortable with people and im not afraid of you; I will tell you how it is. I dont believe in hurting people but I do believe that a true friend can tell you what you really need to hear in a loving way.
I know I quickly mentioned in here that I am afraid of people. Its true, like I said, I was never bulled or teased by fellow students. I was liked once I opened up. My parents are not the ideal parents. I still have problems with my dad on a HUGE scale. My family hurt me so much on how they use to treat me. My cousins were skinny, my used to be skinny. My uncles where all skinny. I hated when they called me sasquach. Don't get me wrong. I in some weird way absolutly adore my family, even though they hare the ones that always hurt me the most. I automatically assumed that when I meet people they look at me in complete discuss. I feel like I am walking down the street with my husband and people are looking at me like " why is that cute guy with her". I walk down the street and look at people too. I dont think anything 99% of the time, im just honestly looking. I cant accpet that people are doing the samething when they see me. Needless to say, my family made me fear life. Till this day I still dont know that I love or what makes me happy. I know I like to cook but its not what I am. I am scared really deep, inside and out. I have a hard time meeting people, barely look you in the face. Unless, (and please dont hate me for this because its just what made me comfortable) your fat too; then we have something in common.
25 years old and I finally decided that life is about me now. I want to run with my kids and play for more the 30 mins( a straining 30 mins I might add at that). I have never been told that I cant get on ride, yet again I have tried because im scared I will be told I cant or I am terrified that I will be that freak person who was so fat she broke the ride. I want to have the option to skydive, I cant because in 60lbs heavier then allowed. I want shop at more then 2 stores because no one else carries my size. I am going to start to get personal now so if anyone has any issues with this, I advise you to read the next paragraph instead. I want to feel sexy naked. I cant do certian positions and I dont try because I can only image what I would look like. I want to be able to see my VaJJ when im woman scaping. I want to feel sexy, I want to try new things in my marriage. I want to be free of me.
What you see is not who I feel on the inside. When I look at me in the mirror, I see all my pain of 25 years. This process has made me work on that. I am changing day by day. Theres only one thing holding me back.... When I look in the mirror, I cant let go, its written all over my body. I am a 25 year old mother of 3, I am not a statistic, I pay for my own children, I work hard. I am going to school to be a teacher and im almost there. I will suceed in my life and have my house, my dog, children and husband. I believe that even though my entire family, dad and all, doesnt believe it. I WILL.
I went to see Valley Care in pleasenton after going to my primary care doctor and telling him what I wanted. He reffered me to them. I was in a week later to meet the surgeon, nutritionist and psychologist all in one day. A week later they said that I meet their standards but they wanted me to do some more counseling before I can schedule a date. A month later I finsihed counseling and I was fully approved, then they sent it to my surgeon and approved it. Surgeons office sent it to my insurance and 1 day later I got a call from insurance and they asked me if I had support and someone to take care of me. I lied to some extent on that part. They replied awsome, congrates your approved. Called Valley Care asap and they would call when they got the approval letter. One day later, I got my call. Septmeber 14th I had surgery.
0 comments
Although I doubt there is anyone out there listening. I do half to say that I am glad that im bloging today and not yesterday or any day before that. Guess I will just tell you about myself.
My name is Jessica, im 25 years old and married to a retired Navy Corpsman of 8 years. We have 3 children, Jordan Mykala is 4 years old and Samantha Allie is 2. Jason, my little Bubba is 1. I married my husband when I was 18, he is my middle school sweet heart. He is my best friend in the whole world. I've pretty much been heavy set all my life. I fluctuated for awhile as we all do but after my first daughter I have never seen 250 again until 2 days ago. Life as a military wife got stressful, its not a job that anyone can handle. Your alone 10 months out of the year with your children, constantly wondering whether he is gonna die this time or not.
My entire family is heavy set, including married into family members. I love to cook. I went to 2 different Culinary schools. I have never known how to truly cook a yummy healthy meal. Yummy is fat, thats what I have been shown my whole life. And boy can I put it down, sometimes I dont even know where I put it. Luckily, I have never been uncontrollably fat. I love all my veggies and my fruits. I love salads with ever dinner and fruit with ever breakfast. I used to be told at an early age that I can be taught how to be pretty and skinny. Mind you this is from my aunt who at the time is large herself. I used to be called summo by my uncle. The funny thing is im not the person who can sit here and say that I was teased in school and bullyed because I wasnt. I think it was because of my size. Im 6"0 and have always been tall. People saw me as a threat but I wasnt. I used to love sitting in a corner all by myself, not talking to anyone. Technically, if it wasnt for my sister in law who used to be my best friend in the whole wide world, I wouldnt have any friends. I followed her all through out middle school. She was teased, then I would get the evil eye going. Only once in my life have I ever almost beat the crap outta someone. Once I get comfortable with people and im not afraid of you; I will tell you how it is. I dont believe in hurting people but I do believe that a true friend can tell you what you really need to hear in a loving way.
I know I quickly mentioned in here that I am afraid of people. Its true, like I said, I was never bulled or teased by fellow students. I was liked once I opened up. My parents are not the ideal parents. I still have problems with my dad on a HUGE scale. My family hurt me so much on how they use to treat me. My cousins were skinny, my used to be skinny. My uncles where all skinny. I hated when they called me sasquach. Don't get me wrong. I in some weird way absolutly adore my family, even though they hare the ones that always hurt me the most. I automatically assumed that when I meet people they look at me in complete discuss. I feel like I am walking down the street with my husband and people are looking at me like " why is that cute guy with her". I walk down the street and look at people too. I dont think anything 99% of the time, im just honestly looking. I cant accpet that people are doing the samething when they see me. Needless to say, my family made me fear life. Till this day I still dont know that I love or what makes me happy. I know I like to cook but its not what I am. I am scared really deep, inside and out. I have a hard time meeting people, barely look you in the face. Unless, (and please dont hate me for this because its just what made me comfortable) your fat too; then we have something in common.
25 years old and I finally decided that life is about me now. I want to run with my kids and play for more the 30 mins( a straining 30 mins I might add at that). I have never been told that I cant get on ride, yet again I have tried because im scared I will be told I cant or I am terrified that I will be that freak person who was so fat she broke the ride. I want to have the option to skydive, I cant because in 60lbs heavier then allowed. I want shop at more then 2 stores because no one else carries my size. I am going to start to get personal now so if anyone has any issues with this, I advise you to read the next paragraph instead. I want to feel sexy naked. I cant do certian positions and I dont try because I can only image what I would look like. I want to be able to see my VaJJ when im woman scaping. I want to feel sexy, I want to try new things in my marriage. I want to be free of me.
What you see is not who I feel on the inside. When I look at me in the mirror, I see all my pain of 25 years. This process has made me work on that. I am changing day by day. Theres only one thing holding me back.... When I look in the mirror, I cant let go, its written all over my body. I am a 25 year old mother of 3, I am not a statistic, I pay for my own children, I work hard. I am going to school to be a teacher and im almost there. I will suceed in my life and have my house, my dog, children and husband. I believe that even though my entire family, dad and all, doesnt believe it. I WILL.
I went to see Valley Care in pleasenton after going to my primary care doctor and telling him what I wanted. He reffered me to them. I was in a week later to meet the surgeon, nutritionist and psychologist all in one day. A week later they said that I meet their standards but they wanted me to do some more counseling before I can schedule a date. A month later I finsihed counseling and I was fully approved, then they sent it to my surgeon and approved it. Surgeons office sent it to my insurance and 1 day later I got a call from insurance and they asked me if I had support and someone to take care of me. I lied to some extent on that part. They replied awsome, congrates your approved. Called Valley Care asap and they would call when they got the approval letter. One day later, I got my call. Septmeber 14th I had surgery.
