kate789
My story is probably similar to anyone who has ever been obese, in that I've had issues with my weight for most of my life. I’m just going to apologize right now for overwriting… I’m an English major, forgive me.
My problems started when I was around 8, after my parents divorced, as a rebellious effort against a mother who was both bipolar and obsessed with her weight. Once it was just the two of us her mania started to influence me more and she began to include me in her diet fads (Weight Watchers, Atkins, Slimfast, South Beach, juice fasts etc.). Because of her emotional ups and downs it became hard to understand what was going on- one day we would be best friends, laughing and eating Krispie Kremes (her favorite... she LOVED food) and the next day she would call me a "tub of lard" and pull me by the hair and force me to get on the scale. It was hard being a 3rd grader who only brought a Slimfast in her lunchbox, especially since I didn't weigh a lot more than my classmates then. Her obsession made me want all the unhealthy, delicious stuff even more so I started to rebel and eat it whenever it was available and she wasn't around.
As I slowly migrated into overweightville I began to get teased a lot... "fat and ugly" you know, normal childhood bullying experiences. Even though I've never been Miss Popular I was able to linger that awkward line between total outcast and 'the nice fat friend' who got along with basically anyone. This status remained through high school (with, thankfully, less immature bullies). Dealing with so much crap from kids back then made me realize how ridiculous and sad mean people are and I sort of stopped caring as much (but it will always be a sore spot).
When I was 12 my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and I became severely depressed. Even though we grew closer and she put less pressure on me, food remained my weakness and I developed an eating disorder. When I was 17 she passed away, which made my health decline further (both mentally and physically). I moved in with my father and stepmother and right off the bat faced some hurdles. My father and I found it hard to communicate/bond/get along and to be honest, I am shocked that we are so amazingly close now.
I went downhill and stayed there for too long. I finally realized that to get better I had to stop lamenting on the past and start living. I became a lot more positive and started to grow up. Anyone who knew my mother knows that her most striking characteristics were her beauty, charm, generosity and strong independent nature... as well as a terrible cursing habit. She influenced my process of self-healing because I started to live in honor of her memory and the positive qualities she possessed. With a lot of support and therapy I became happier and my relationships improved. By the time I graduated high school (2 years later) I weighed 230lbs. I spent that summer at the Duke Diet and Fitness center, where I lost 40lbs and started my first serious relationship. We lasted through my freshman year of college and when we broke up I was heartbroken... so naturally, I ate some food and then ate some more. The relationship was an important step because it helped me heal and I realized I could now be truly happy on my own without the help of so many pills.
My sophomore year of college I rang in at 275lbs (my heaviest) and knew it was time for a change. I had a tough time with some family members who criticized me and would say thinks like “Don’t you want boys to like you? Don’t you want to wear nice clothes? Don’t you want to be pretty?” I cried too much; I was worn out. I was tired of the body I was in and tired of how it made me feel and interact with others and I HATED how others treated me. The day I looked that family member in the eye and told them to "Fuck off" was actually the day I decided on the Lapband.... it sounds like the climax to a terrible coming of age movie, I know, but its the truth. Getting the band was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
That was just over a year and a half ago and since the band everything has felt much improved. I'm happier and more confident, which has influenced my life in so many ways: I feel comfortable reaching out and being more social, I feel good and I think this positivity affects how others feel about me, I love being more active and finally getting all this motion back (I never realized how much being so heavy affected even the simplest motions), I started to do a lot better in school (probably because of being healthier but also having more self confidence). For me, the band was necessary because I couldn't find success anywhere else. My problems have always been more eating related and not so much activity related (although, it does get harder to exercise as you get heavier so I wasn't as active as I could have been). I needed something that would help me eat less and not be as hungry because my body had lost control of that. People ask me what it's like and after I make them squeamish by touching my port I tell them that I usually forget it's there but that every time I eat it's nice to have a little guide who keeps me in line... like Jiminy Cricket but less annoying.
As I grew up and got to know myself and came to terms with everything going on in my life I realized the importance of love (yes, that’s a super cheesy thing to say). I believe in positivity and honesty and taking care of those around you and it bothers me when others are unkind (especially for no reason). I am still my mother’s daughter and with those nicer qualities come well... the other side of being my mother's daughter: I have Irish Catholic blood and a whole history of crazy running through these veins. These genes combined with the resilient exterior I had built up through all my experiences have made me a fighter. Not in a maniacal way... I still cry at cute tv commercials... but it gave me some spunk.
As a girl who has lived in Colorado for most her life I have always been sporty and outdoorsy and kind of tough. At the same time, though, I’m a total girly girl. I got my brass balls and my heart from my mother but my father gave me his tendency towards sarcasm. I love to have fun and joke and laugh and I hate taking myself seriously (unless it’s appropriate for a specific situation). I fall all the time and I have many things that make me imperfect but I just laugh and accept them. I am finishing up my senior year of college and hoping to continue for another year and a half to receive my Masters of The Arts in Teaching as well as my teaching license. I’ve spent the past year and a half working with special needs children and know I’ve found my calling. I love animals and have been surrounded by them my whole life... it's nice that they're a lot less judgmental than people while also being the best listeners. I love to read and write but I’m also a huge movie buff (it’s part of my major). I’ve always been interested in studying and creating art and I love all types of music even though I’m instrumentally challenged. I enjoy traveling, learning new things and going on adventures.
I have spent too much of my life being mad, hurt or depressed and even though I’m still prone to all of those I truly appreciate joy so that's what I focus on. I’m a pretty genuine person, which I know is hard to understand unless you know me well. I’m a work in progress and I accept that whole-heartedly. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.... but I'm not striving for perfection, I'm striving for happiness.
