bobby s

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Wow.  It is hard to believe that TWENTY YEARS have passed since that life-changing day.  I'm not the poster child for surgery by no means.  I'm about 30 pounds over my "comfortable" weight.  I'm also about 40 pounds over my lowest.  That's a hard pill to swallow, sometimes, honestly.  You think back to all of the struggles prior to the surgery, the surgery itself, and then all of the challenges afterwards only to eventually find yourself big again.  Don't get me wrong...I do not regret the surgery.  I believe I would have died LONG ago without it.  I do regret my treatment of it.  I never beat my food demons..they still haunt me.  It is still my source of comfort, boredom relief, and anxiety medicine.  I wish the surgery would have been on my big fat head to fix it.

Personal challenges have been plentiful for a now old man writing to you.  Beyond the weight, the personal ups and downs have been many.  I have found someone that I have been with for over 16 years now.  She is the total opposite of me...caring, considerate, and thin.  Ha.  Why she has stuck by me, I really don't know.  We are so very different as people.  I guess that is what makes it work.

On the flip side, I have lost all of my family.  I lost the closest family to me in 2016, my mom, to cancer.  That was the hardest thing I ever had to witness.  She fought the fight for 3 years but it won in the end.  She is buried with my step-dad in Bushnell VA cemetary.  He passed in 2009.

I had an aunt I was close to.  She passed in 2022.  My step-sister that lived near me passed last year to a brain infection.  She was such a help to me and mom during her struggles.

The only other family I speak to is a nephew, but that is only occassionally due to us both being so busy.  It is really sad.

My word of advise to you:  don't let your shortcomings shortcut your life.  Find the love of your life.  Have a family.  Go do things.  Have hobbies.  Make friends.  Don't let the doubt in your head dictate your future.  You are bigger than it.  Heck, in my hey-day I was bigger than everything! ;)

Here's to another 10 years, old friends!  Godspeed, and take care of yourselves!

7/6/14

 

It has been 10 years since my surgery.  It is almost unthinkable that it has been that long.  I spent the Fourth of July with friends this year.  Ironically, it was at the same place I spent it back in 2004...just two days before my surgery.  My friend owns a home on a lake in my town and the city sets off fireworks over the lake every year.  This year was bitter-sweet.  This will be the last time we will see the fireworks from this house as my friend will be moving soon.  Watching those fireworks just brought back all of the memories and emotions from 2004....the anxiety of surgery....the feelings of finality.....the acknowledgement that my life was about to change..... or be over... in just a couple of days.  It prompted me to look at old photos from back then.  The 400 pound me...staring at the camera hiding behind so much pain.  I could even recall the thoughts I was having as the pictures were being taken....how badly I really felt but didn't want to show it and ruin everyone's festivities.  I look at the me then and stare into my eyes and I can see the pain there.  I can see the old man giving up.  I can see the light dimming away.  The surgery truly was a last ditch effort.  There was no other worldly option.  There was nothing left.

I look back over the past 10 years.  So many things that have happened that....in all honesty....I wish never did.  The surgery to start.  Do I regret the surgery?  Absolutely not.  I know that I am writing to you from the grave right now if it were not for it.  So, regret?  What regret?  Why regret?  I regret that path that lead me to the surgery.  The hard road that lead to that man staring at that camera 10 years ago that had given up on everything.  The man that was too sick to enjoy life and too torn to even care.   I would like to tell the little boy that would grow up to be that man to not go down that road.  Change your life.  Love yourself.  And most importantly....don't be afraid.  Don't be afraid of the world.  Don't be afraid of change.  Don't be afraid of yourself.

I wonder what the man ten years from now will tell the man writing this memoir.  Hey....wake up.....you've been given another chance.....DO SOMETHING!!!  Make it count!!!  What are you waiting for?

What am I waiting for?

All things end...eventually.  Time is a non-renewable resource.  It cannot be bottled and saved for later. 

What am I waiting for?

I need to find the courage to take the hard path....the path that is really not so hard at all.  It is actually the easier way, it is just scarier. 

Where is that damn courage? 

Come on, future me, where is that pep talk that I need?  Tell me how I have made the corner and we finally got it all together.  No stories of "what if" or "should have".  Let's have none of that.

Maybe courage is not really so important.  Maybe just faith and appreciation are enough.  Maybe living for today and not worrying about that old man in the photo is a better way.  A better today.

7/6/13

Well....well....well.....here we are again.  It is hard to believe it has been 9 years.  I'm not going to get on here and whine about how fat I've become.  I have given up.  I don't even try anymore.  I need some motivation.  I just am too tired to keep fighting this weight thing all of the time.  I just don't have the will power to eat like I should, nor exercise.  I like food too much and hate exercise even more.  I hate people that say "Oh, you will love exercise once you get into it".  Bull crap.  I've tried it......I hate it.  I hate it more now than before I started. 

Let's put up some stats.  Here are the ugly truths:

• Weight:  208.5 pounds
• Fat:  29.5%
• Water:  53.5%

Let's contrast that to 2007:

• Weight:  162 pounds (46.5 pounds heavier now)
• Fat:  16% (13.5% higher now)
• Water:  64% (down 10.5% now)

At 29.5% fat, that means that 61.5 pounds of me is just fat (compared to 26 pounds in 2007).  So....I have put on 35.5 pounds of just fat in 6 years.  Amazing.  And this, ladies and gentlemen, is AFTER having surgery.  I'm sure that must be a record.  I cannot even convey the level of contempt and repulsion that I have in myself.  You cannot even begin to know.  I do not think I have EVER felt lower.....EVER.....and I have been in some pretty low places.

But.....gee.....I'm glad I didn't get on here and WHINE or anything.  I'm just so sick of this whole thing.  I'm tired of my weight defining me.  I'm tired of always having to deal with it.  I'm just plain tired.  The end.

 

 

7/6/12

Wow, it seems like yesterday that I had my surgery.  It definitely doesn't seem like 8 years.  I wish I could say that they have all been successful.  I have managed to regain 34 pounds from my all-time low back in 2006.  That would be ok if it didn't show and I didn't feel it.  I feel fat.  I look fat.  I even get fat comments now.  I can only assume this sensation is similar to a celebrity that goes from obsurity to fame and then falls from grace. 

7/6/11

I can't believe it has been 7 years since I had my surgery.  This has been a very difficult year for me.  I have put on 17 pounds this year.  My body fat percentage is now 26.5% with water weight percentage of 56%. 

Weight: 197.5
Percent Body Fat: 26.5%
Percent Water Weight: 56%

Much like my weight gain before, it just "happened" without me realizing the signs.  I'm at a loss to know what to say.  I feel as if I am a team that had the game won and then let a last second score beat us.  I find myself depressed and unhappy more and more because of my weight. 

Most of my weight has come back where my old fat was.  My "love handles" are now "love luggage".....that is where I notice the majority of it.  I have taken on a nice man-rack too and my thighs are becoming thunderous again.  It is really quite unsightly.

And with the weight gain have returned some old enemies.  My legs are starting to ache, swell, and turn red again.  My back aches more.  I am winded more.  My sleeping is off.  There is nothing good about gaining weight and getting old.

So, here I am....crying to you about how lousy a job I have been doing taking care of me.  I have no defense.  I know radical changes are needed and it is time for some life changes....even if it means a change of scenery.

7/6/10

Here I am....6 years post-op.  It has been a long road for sure.  My weight has crept up 20 pounds the past 4 years.  And honestly, I feel it.  I feel fat.  Imagine that?  Coming from 432 pounds to 180 pounds and I feel FAT now.  It is quite disheartening and discouraging.  I have clothes that no longer fit.  I feel like I did many years ago as my waistline expanded and my closet slowly filled with items made for a thinner man.  

My appetite and my laziness are my biggest foes.  I feel hungry all of the time and still eat to fill an emotional need.  I feel a longing to get back to my weight of 3 years ago.  I felt better and looked better then.

Something I have noticed changing of late (besides my every growing ass) is that my legs are beginning to bother me again.  They are turning red and ache, much like pre-surgery.  

Otherwise, my health remains well.  Six years out and my DS hasn't killed me yet.

2/14/11

It is odd to re-read some of my past posts and think of the person I was then.  I still have weight issues.  I still have insecurities and doubts.  I still have medical problems, though nothing like I had before.  But it is amazing how far I have come in some ways, and not others. 

I still feel like the "hunger monster" still rules me and I catch myself occasionally giving in to its obsessions.  Food continues to be a source of comfort and "identity" for me....at least on the surface.  I think it is more of a mechanism that contributes to the disease (much like a person with low self-esteem will unconsciously seek out an abusive mate to reinforce the low self-esteem).  I'm not sure if this will ever be different.  I think I can appreciate a drug addict trying to spend their lives post-recovery.  The "itch" is always there.

Shockly, though, I am spending my second Valentine's Day in a row with the same person.  This is a first for me.  She is quite opposite of me, having spent her life being underweight instead of overweight.  She fights to keep her weight up (hell to her, but sounds like Mecca to me).  And with all of the screwed up things spinning around in my head, she has managed to stick around this long.  Either a testiment to her fortutude, my recovery, or she's simply masochistic.  

Funny how just a few years ago, I posted on how I spent Valentine's Day in the doctor's office getting Viagra pens.  Now I go to the doctor's only when I feel it necessary and not as part of my routine.  I did spend the night in the hospital before Christmas with chest pains, but all of my tests came back ok.  Just a little reminder of past sins....and to take better care of myself.

I'm sure nobody reads this any longer.  I seldom lurk on the chat rooms any longer and I update this thing only on occassion.  But....if you are out there.....I hope it has helped in some small way.  Things will get better...but there is no magic pill.  There is no perfect medicine.  This is not a fix...only a patch.   Just be sure to keep up the stitchings.

7/6/09

HAPPY 5TH ANNIVERSARY!!!!

It is truly hard to believe it has been 5 years already.  That old person I see in pictures seems as foreign to me as looking at some old black and white photos of years gone by. 

Many things have changed for the better this past year.  I seem to be able to date with more frequency than before.  Now that more DS loan is paid off, my finances should begin improving.  And my health, for the most part, has been fairly good.

This year has also brought many set backs too.  Most personally is the loss of my step-dad and the financial and emotional roller-coaster that something like that brings.  Also, I have fallen back into habits of old; eating things I shouldn't at all hours of the day, being lazy with exercise and vitamins, and not doing my yearly bloodwork like I should.  I haven't been to a support meeting in over a year.  I am paying the price for these transgressions too:  my weight is up, my sleeping is erratic, and my energy level is low.  I also have seen a decline in my strength and physical prowess.  It amazes me how much I beat myself up each day.  You would think that I would eventually learn my lesson, wouldn't you?

My current numbers look like this....

Weight:  177.5
Fat:  21%
Water:  60%


2/15/10

Just an update...

Weight:  177.5
Fat:  21%
Water:  60%

Look familiar?


4/16/10

There are times when you sit back and think back on your life.  Seems like I do that a lot lately.  I look around and see how things really don't change.  I'm still the person that nobody really knows or likes.  I have never been a good friend....never dependable...never really close.  I look at how disappointing of a son I've been.  I'm the guy at work that nobody gets or likes.  I'm the "friend" that people know by "association" and really would rather just not know.  I see how that frustration manifests itself in my eating problem.  

I've also been thinking about this blog.....how much stuff I have "put out there".  But I also think of all of the stuff I HAVEN'T put out there.  I have really watered down the real story on here.  Maybe it is time that changed too.

Before you ask, I'm not suicidal.  That was part of my past that I have no desire to reinvent.  I just think some hard honesty is in order. 

So as the spirit hits me, I will be posting stuff on here....hopefully more than what I have done in the past few years.  I might start revealing more stuff that has gotten me here.   I really don't care if anyone else cares about it, but I'm really not doing this for you....this is about me.  

I have always felt like I was wandering around lost in the woods.  I think I know why.  How can you find your way if you don't know your path?  How can you know your place when you don't know who you are?   I have taken steps backwards the past few years.  It's time to start getting some momentum going again....


5/6/10

I have to find a way out of my funk.  I have slipped back into the ways of old, and my weight is showing it.  Here are the current numbers:

Weight:  180.5
Fat:  22.5%
Water:  59.5%

I have to start cleaning house again.  I really am in a tail spin.  My weight is climbing rapidly and my eating is out of control.  Seems like I am hungry all of the time.  I hate being this way.  I just wish my stupid fake hunger would just go away dammit.

7/6/08

HAPPY FOURTH ANNIVERSARY!!!

It is hard to remember life pre-op now. And the struggles of my surgery have started to blur as well. Four years is a long time to keep a "fresh" perspective on things. It is easy to forget where you come from and the hardships of the past.

Today finds me not as fit as last year, but still healthier than the man of old. My recent blood work has come back fine. My cholesterol remains low, but higher than before (112 total). No abnormal vitamin or mineral counts. The thyroid still is the problem area. Otherwise, everything looks pretty good. So much so that I will stop having blood work done yearly and go a bit longer between tests (to make the insurance company happy).

Mentally it has been a tough year. Dealing with weight gain has been difficult. Trying to find my "groove" again just hasn't happened. I think I am going to get a personal trainer to get me on track. I do have a desire to get in shape and get that skin removal done this coming year.

Emotionally I find myself still holding on to the boy of the past...still overly self conscious and over critical.  I think working on the self image will be a priority for me this year (which means getting to the gym damnit!!!)

Here are my latest stats four years post-op...

Weight: 177.5
Fat %: 20.5%
Water %: 61%


10/6/08

Well, I started thinking about plastic surgery again recently. I need to get this hernia fixed and get rid of all of this skin. I checked with my HR department about using my 401k. Basically if I want to take a medical hardship withdrawal, then I will need to do it before my loan is paid off (which is in March). Otherwise they require you to take out a loan first before you can make a withdrawal. But you can only have one loan at a time, so that means I need to at least pay for surgery prior to my payoff date. So....the search for a plastic surgeon begins....

Here are my latest stats...

Weight: 175.5
Fat %: 20.5%
Water %: 60%


2/5/09

My step father passed away last night.  He was 77 years old.  He had been struggling with COPD and a failing heart and the Lord decided it was time for him.  I think everyone is glad he is at peace, although I am a bit surprised by the timing.  He seemed like was getting better near the end.  I know he had found peace before he went.  We had a lot of long talks and I know he was right with God.  What else can one ask for?  He died quietly in his sleep and is spending eternity with Jesus.


3/22/09

My hernia is getting to be more and more of a problem.  I continue to have more intense stomach pains because of it.  I need someone to plant a money tree in my yard so I can get something done about this thing.  Errrr


6/16/09

I have reached a financial milestone today.  My DS surgery is finally really mine!!!  I made the last payment on my loan today.  Five long years and my new life is really mine.  What to do with all of the extra money....hmmm (can someone say plastics???)

7/6/07

HAPPY 3rd ANNIVERSARY!!!

Well, here I am 3 years post-op!!! It seems hard to believe. This has officially been the "rebound" year. I am actually about 9 pounds heavier now than I was this time last year. And unfortunately, they show too. I am getting quite the gut and I really am not pleased with myself because of it. Lessons for all of you newbies....listen up....

1. Your appetite WILL come back!!! And you WILL eat more.
2. Bad foods like fast food and snacky, sugary foods WILL start tasting good again.
3. Vitamins WILL become a pain in the butt and easily forgotten.
4. Exercise WILL always suck!!!
5. Old habits die HARD!!!

I am eating probably more than the average person does in a day now. I am having the same old portion control and head hunger issues I had before I had my surgery. Fast food is still cheap and convenient. Snacky cakes are still delicious...and are even worse now because I can stomach them better then I can meats and vegetables. My advice....continue measuring EVERYTHING and continue to stay away from foods that will get you in trouble.

My health, overall, is good. My blood work comes back saying that only my thyroid levels are off and my cholesterol remains below normal. Vitamin wise I am good....and that is with me missing my vitamins on occasion. My advice again...do not let your daily hum-drum get in the way of taking care of yourself...period.

Speaking of which, here is my daily regimen now....

Morning:
1 - 75 mcg Levothyroxin for the thyroid (which will probably be increased AGAIN)
1 - 50 mg Zinc
1 - "Building Blocks" multi-vitamin
6 - "Building Blocks" calcium citrate (1000 mg calcium and 600 IU of vitamin D)

Mid-day:
4 - "Building Blocks" calcium citrate (667 mg calcium and 400 IU of vitamin D)

Evening:
3 - "Building Blocks" calcium citrate (500 mg calcium and 300 IU vitamin D)
1 - "SourceCF" multi-vitamin (heavy in vitamins A, D, E, and K)

I still hate exercise. I just cannot get into it. I think I am a hopeless case. Like I said...old habits die HARD.

And emotionally....with the weight gain and some recent problems in the woman department, I am near all time post-op lows. As odd as this may sound, it sucks not having the weight to blame my lack of sex appeal on. l'm afraid that I just do not possess the "skills" required to maintain a relationship. And it does not help that I seem to be attracted to the WRONG women....ones in some sort of despair. It is really quite pathetic, but I'm not sure how to approach the problem. I think you may be seeing these type entries in here for some time to come.

I also still battle depression on a daily basis. Daily tasks just seem too large some days and the thought of even having to be in public makes me want to crawl back into bed. These are the same old problems as before....nothing new. I'm still the recluse, but the older I get the more I seem to get aggitated by simple things a lot quicker. Most days I would rather just stay on my PC all day or play with some of my "toys" then to deal with the real world. And when I am out with people, I am amazed that my closest friends put up with me and my mood swings and short sightedness. That really is a testiment to their character, which I admire (and envy) greatly. I'm afraid nothing short of long term therapy is going to fix me. And until I get a grip on things, I know my life will truly never be "full" or "complete".

7/20/07

OK...I want to clarify my last post. I am not suicidal or anything like that (I've had a few people ask me). I'm just saying that this whole thing is a "process" and I have a LONG way to go. And I hope I can show others that if they are thinking that having WLS is going to magically fix all the problems of their life, it will not. The same old environment that was there when you were obese will still be there as you lose the weight. My advice is to cut those things out of your life that cause you pain or are detrimental. This includes food, habits, environment, and even people. This also includes negativity, doubt, and self-loathing. I think that a lot of people find that cutting out the food is the EASY part of this process. The rest of it is much much bigger. Three years post-op and these things are more prevalent than ever. Don't get caught up in all the compliments, or what the scale says, or what size clothing you are wearing. These things are not where the challenge is. The challenge is within. Just be prepared for it.

7/23/07

I went to a water park this weekend (ok...I was DRAGGED to a water park this weekend). I have to say that all of the insecurities that I had when I was 432 pounds came rushing back. Having all the loose skin everywhere, there was NO way I was going to take off my shirt. It was bad enough that it was sticking to me when I got wet. It was really humiliating. One of my friends told me "Just don't worry about it. There are a lot of out of shape people here." My response to that was "Yeah, but I don't see anyone that looks like they are MELTING!!!" It's one thing to be fat and run around with a bunch of fat people (as long as you are not 200 pounds bigger then everyone else). It's a whole DIFFERENT thing to be running around looking like a melting pudding-pop. I can't wait to get plastics. If I could just figure out how to pay for it... :(

8/6/07

Here I am 37 months post-op. As part of my ritual every 6th of the month, I weighed myself on my digital scale. I was surprised to see it read "162" pounds. That puts me within a half a pound of what I was this time last year. So what does that mean? It means that my weight hasn't drastically changed this past year as I was fearing. Now is it because I might be a bit more dehydrated or whatever now than I was a year ago...who knows. I think my percent body fat is higher now than last year (I'll have to go look). I'm sure I probably lost muscle mass along the way too. But, you know, I'm just glad it didn't read "172" like I was expecting.

Here are my latest figures.....

Weight: 162 (normal by the "chart" is about 155)
Percent Body Fat: 16% (normal, but I would love to see 10%)
Percent Water Weight: 64% (which is considered high)

10/8/07

Well, the weight gain is for real...as sad as it is. Here is the latest....

Weight: 169.5
Percent Body Fat: 17.5%
Percent Water Weight: 64.5%

11/2/07

You know....here I am just two posts after stating "I'm glad it didn't read 172 like I was expecting" when I weighed. Now I weigh in at 173 pounds!!!! Man, I need help!!! I am just out of control. I really just can't stop grazing all day and I just seem to have given up somedays.

12/4/07

Here is the latest....

Weight: 170.5
Percent Body Fat: 18.5%
Percent Water Weight: 62.5%

1/28/08

My girlfriend Lori was down from Kentucky this weekend. We went to the Gasparilla parade in Tampa and had a wonderful time. (Did I mention that we have been dating for a couple months now? You know how I like to keep my personal life "personal"). It is just amazing to think how I am able to walk around all day, jumping around for beads, and acting the fool all day long and less than four years ago I would not have been able to walk to where the parade was let alone stand there for hours. Sometimes it is easy to forget that past life. But I know that keeping it on my mind keeps me humble and appreciative of all the blessings I have in my life.

Driving back from the airport today, I decided to stop by the hospital to pick up some vitamins. I also took the opportunity to weigh on their scale. So.....this is the "official" count....

Weight: 170.5
Fat Percentage: 13.6%
Fat Mass: 23 pounds

My scale says 18% fat. That's a BIG difference. Hope THEIR'S is right :)

2/20/08

Well, that girlfriend I mentioned is no more. That's right...I'm single again. Sad thing is I'm not sure what went wrong. There was the problem with distance (she's 800 miles away) and you know how those long distance things can go. You'd think at my ripe old age that this would be old hat for me, but I'm so far behind where I should be having lived most of my life hiding behind my weight. Maybe I'm too immature? Maybe just too unfamilar with what a woman wants and needs? Maybe it's because I still tend to keep to myself and lack the "small talk" gene that most people possess? Whatever the cause, the result is the same....the world will be going to sleep with nobody thinking about me tonight.

2/21/08

You know something....I am one whiny dude on here, huh? LOL. I must I come across as some psychotic, self centered, paranoid, suicidal, ass.....and a lot of that is probably accurate. But just let me tell you a little more about this little journal of mine. This place has become the venting place for me....sort of like therapy. I come here to vent all of my frustrations about any weight issues or things that I perceive as long standing issues that involve my self image (like dating, etc). Unfortunately, you, the reader, most often only get to see that bad things....and that might make it seem like that is all there is. But notice these postings are sporatic and not daily ones. Most days are uneventful and my life is happy. I come here to vent and wallow in my self pity, and for some reason seeing it in black and white somehow helps me put it all in perspective. These "hangups" of mine are just that.....mine. The world is not the culprit here...it's me. Reality is how we see it or make it. If I CHOOSE to be happy, then nothing the world has to say about it changes that. If I CHOOSE to be sad, then the world has nothing to say about that either. And now that I am far removed from that 400 pound plus man, I see that most of the problems I had were all made by....me. And...here's the hard part to swallow....most of the problems I have NOW are all made by...you guessed it....me too.

I don't get on the message boards much anymore. I don't feel that I should persuade someone one way or the other to have surgery. For physical issues....absolutely!!! For the emotional stuff....it won't fix that. And it's hard to know where someone is inside. All I do is tell them to do some soul searching and get things right with themselves...THEN have surgery. It really needs to be just about the WEIGHT and nothing more. And as much as I am SO grateful for having done the DS, this is a MAJOR life-threatening decision that should not be swayed by good or bad "reviews". All I can do is offer up my personal experience and hope that it helps someone in some way come to the best decision for them.

I am really thankful too for all of the terrific support this place has provided for me through the years. Many of my friends here have laughed and cried together. And quite honestly, anyone that can put up with me pouting is someone truly special, and there are a LOT of special people here. Thank you all for caring so much!!!

7/6/06

HAPPY 2ND ANNIVERSARY!!!

It is amazing how fast the time has gone by. It is hard to imagine being 432 pounds now. That old life of huffing and puffing, back aches, and oozing sores seem almost foreign now. I guess I should update you on the "state of affairs" now that it is another year into this journey...

Health wise, most things are better. The overall aches and pains are better. The sleep apnea is gone. The phlebitis, although it still exists (and probably always will), is not a problem. My blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar are all great. Most of my old problems are gone now.

My NEW problems include some obvious ones....LOTS of excess skin, especially around the panni. Saggy man-boobs and no ass to speak of LOL. I still have the hernia from the operation that hopefully will get corrected soon.

Blood work wise, I have a few problems. My vitamin D and K are low. I am going to start a ADEK vitamin regimen to see if I can prop those numbers back up. Also, my zinc levels are low. Looks like I will have to focus on the heavy metals and the fat soluable vitamins.

My HDL continues to be low, but my overall cholesterol is now normal. My thyroid continues to be off, but that was a problem pre-op as well. And my CO2 levels are slightly high. But my calcium and PTH continue to be good.

My biggest problems I am facing is that my weight loss seems to be coming from muscle mass. I am having a very difficult time keeping muscle on, especially the upper body. The dietician suggested to up my protein, carbs, and water intake as my caloric intake may be too restrictive and I may be stressing the muscles too much. I have to laugh because the REAL problem is that I eat crap I'm not suppose to and act like a big lazy piece of crap 99% of the time. I really have to get better at it. Although I am at "normal" weight, I don't look "thin", I look "scrawny". And honestly it is better (as a guy) to be "heavy" than "scrawny".

I still have a tendency to want to feed head-hunger. Sometimes it is hard to pull back. Having to find that illusive "will power" that I didn't have BEFORE surgery is sometimes very hard to do.

As far as diet and exercise are concerned, my exercise has not been as good as it should. I really need to get into a weight training routine to stop this muscle loss. My diet could also be better. I consume pretty much everything and anything. I don't really make a conscious effort to "eat properly". I eat my fair share of junk food and sweets. But I don't frequent McDonald's as much, and I tend to avoid carbonated drinks most days. But I eat a lot of starchy foods, which I need to count down on and move towards protein. It's just so much easier on the stomach to eat stuff like crackers and bread than to eat the heavy protein.

Vitamins currently consist of 2 multivitamins, 10 calcium citrate pills, 1 vitamin E, and 2 vitamin A each day. But I will be adding vitamin D and K to the mix. As far as meds go, I am only taking synthroid for the thyroid condition.

I still fight depression, but honestly I think I am learning from it. One day I just looked around and realized that I am the one in control of my life and that I was using the depression as a replacement for the weight that I used to hide behind. It is easier to just hide behind something than to go deal with real life sometimes. If I think about how far I've come since 7/6/04 and take the time to acknowledge and congratulate myself for having the courage to make a change, then the depression seems really silly and the feeling of hope and opportunity fill its place. It can be really consuming to be lost in the dark, but all it takes is just the slightly hint of light and the darkness will run from it. The power is in the light, not the darkness. Darkness cannot extinguish the light. It is hard to look at life that way, especially when you're having a bad day, but hopefully, like this journey, I can take it one day at a time....

Weight: 160.5 pounds
Percent body fat: 14.2%
Fat Mass: 23 lbs
Muscle Mass: 137.5 lbs
Dr. Kim's Target Weight: 190
MY Target Weight: 175
Pounds Lost: 271.5 pounds
Pounds to Lose: NONE!!!
432 / 160.5 / 175 / 105.6% excess weight gone

7/19/06

OK...just a quick update. I've changed my vitamin regimen since my labs are a bit off. Here's the lineup...

1 - 400IU water solubilized Vitamin E
2 - 400IU Vitamin D3
1 - 30mg Zinc
2 - 8000IU Vitamin A
2 - Building Blocks Multiple Vitamin
12 - Building Blocks Calcium Citrate (2000mg Calcium and 800IU Vitamin D total)
2 - ADEK Multivitamins (18000IU Vitamin A, 800IU Vitamin D, 300IU Vitamin E, 300mcg Vitamin K, and other stuff too)
1 - .075mg Levothyroxine for the thyroid

Yeah, I know that sounds really high for the Vitamins A, D, and E, but with the bad labs (and since I've been taking some supplements all along and STILL got bad labs), I'm going to stay the course until my next set of blood tests (which I'm going to do in 6 months versus the normal 12).

I've added the vitamins A, D, and E pills I listed are pills you can buy at any store. Vitamin K is not available by itself without a prescription. Since we (being DS'er) don't absorb these fat-soluable vitamins well, we have to take them in excess. And even then there are no guarantees.

Thanks to a OH friend I have a supply of the ADEK brand vitamins to help me with this (thank you SO much Tam!!!) These vitamins are specifically made for bowel surgery patients that have absorption problems. They contain a mix of most vitamins, like a regular multivitamin, but emphasize the "problem" vitamins of A, D, E, and K in a "water solubilized" or "dry" form. Hopefully this will get me back to where I need to be. I'm just watching out for signs of toxicity, which can happen if you get too much of these vitamins.

Also, I got my denial letter from my insurance company for my plastic surgery. Big surprise there, huh? States that I have not shown "medical necessity". I guess short of sending them skin graphs I think that is what they would always say. If anyone has any ideas, I would appreciate any advice.

8/4/06

One of the problems I am having is that I still get dizzy spells sometimes. My head gets "swimmy" and it becomes more laborious to breathe. My vision fades to white and sometimes I get a ringing in my ears. A few times I have passed out during one of these episodes. Granted it has only happened a couple of times, but it happened to me again today. I was working outside and had stopped to talk to a neighbor. I admit I was a bit hot, but nothing I felt was "too hot". After a few minutes of chatting, the spell came on. And it just got worse and worse until I passed out briefly and hit the ground.

I typically do not pass out during one of these episodes, but I seem to get them a bit more frequently than I probably should. What do you think this could be? Blood pressure?

8/7/06

OK...an idol of mine really gave me a shock today. I saw Carnie Wilson on Celebrity Fit Club 4. As you may know, she had the RNY back in 1999 in a very public and televised manner. She went from over 300 pounds to 145 pounds. She even posed for Playboy after reaching her goal. But, since then she has had a baby....and has added on some pounds. She is now a chunky 188 pounds. She measured in with 39.5% body fat. That's really not good for someone who is only 5' 3".

So I'm hoping that her experience will again inspire me to take control of myself. Just 7 years post-op, she is having problems with the same old things. I really don't want to be one of those statistics. I really don't want to be writing on here years from now how I'm looking into a revision...or whatever....to fix my problem again. I wish her the best of luck and hope she does well with her refound struggle. Just goes to emphasize that this surgery does not give you a free pass to slack off. Something I have been guilty of a lot lately.

10/13/06

Friday, the 13th...right before Halloween. How much do YOU weigh AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Weight: 164 pounds
Percent body fat: 13.1%
Fat Mass: 21.5 lbs
Muscle Mass: 142.5 lbs
Dr. Kim's Target Weight: 190
MY Target Weight: 175
Pounds Lost: 268 pounds
Pounds to Lose: NONE!!!
432 / 164 / 175 / 104.3% excess weight gone

12/6/06

This page has now been visited over 20,000 times!!! (I accidentally reset my old counter a long time ago but still had my stats. However, I've decided to put in a new one with the correct count). My page is not as active as it was when I was such a big mouth on the boards, duodenalswitch.com, and other places, but I appreciate everyone's support and I hope to keep this up-to-date for years to come. If you haven't done so, please take a moment and sign my guestbook below. I would love to hear from you.

I know how hard it is to find information from "old-timers" like me (after 2 years post-op, you are considered an "old-timer") because most of us get on with our lives and don't think about our weight problems any longer. But as changes happen to me down the line, hopefully I will be able to share them with you all so you can get some "real" information from someone that has actually been there.

Thanks again for all of the support and prayers!!! Love you all!!!

12/15/06

I found out something from my employer today. By setting up a FSA (Flexible Spending Account), which is a tax-free account that can be used for medical purposes like co-pays, prescriptions, some over-the-counter medications, and other expenses that insurance doesn't pay, I can use it for buying my vitamins if I have a doctor's letter stating they are medically necessary. So I have set up a FSA for next year. I have already gotten my letter from Dr. Kim, so this should help with the expenses a little bit.

Speaking of vitamins, let me update you on my daily mix as it sets today....

1 - Synthroid .075mg
1 - Building Blocks multivitamin capsule
14 - Building Blocks Calcium capsules
1 - SourceCF multivitamin softgel

I stagger all of these pills throughout the day so I'm not taking them all at once (they are not as effective if you take them all at one time since you can only absorb a certain amount at one given time).

Let me tell you about the SourceCF vitamins. They are designed for cystic fibrosis patients. They are high in the fat-soluable vitamins A, D, E, and K, which have been some of my problem areas. They are in a water-miscible form for easier digestion, and they are a lot cheaper and have higher concentrations than some of the competitors I've found. Here are the concentrations per pill of the fat-soluable vitamins found in the SourceCF vitamins....

Vitamin A (as 40% palmitate and 60% beta carotene) ... 9000IU ... 180%
Vitamin D (as cholecalciferol) ... 100mg ... 167%
Vitamin E (as d-alpha tocopherol) ... 200IU ... 667%
Vitamin K (as phytonadione) ... 500mcg ... 625%

These vitamins also have good quantities of the other vitamins you typically find in a multivitamin. Check them out at www.sourcecf.com.

1/22/07

I got to do something this weekend that I never would have done a few years ago.....I went on a cruise!!! It was GREAT!!! I went to the Bahamas for 3 days. I got thrown out of a 5-star resort and almost got arrested for drug possession. Now THAT is a good vacation LOL.

In Nassau, there is a VERY swanky resort called Atlantis. This place has an underground aquarium, a private lagoon and beach, a casino....you name it. Well, I was sporting my Florida Gators National Championship shirt (oh yeah baby!!!) and the doorman happened to be a Gator fan too (Gator Nation stretches all the way to another country ya'll!!!). He told me how I could sneak into the VIP part of the resort....places unaccessible to the public. And, oh, was it NICE!!! If I ever have the cabbage and go to Nassau again, I'm getting a suite at this place. However, I eventually got caught and was asked to leave. It was fun while it lasted.

In town (or I should say just outside of town...off the beaten path), I bumped into a local that was trying to get me to come into his restaurant to eat. I declined (the cruise ship feeds you VERY well). I guess because I was off the beaten path, some undercover cops were tailing me. Well, they wound up stopping me and asking if I had bought any drugs from the guy (come to find out he is a drug dealer and has been known to sell drugs to tourists). They were wanting to take me to the US Embassy (at least I assume so since it was in that vicinity), but after some smooth talking and showing them what I had in my pockets, they let me go with no problems. Nothing like going to another country to cause the kind of trouble that all the Americans have grown accustomed to me creating here LOL.

2/6/07

Had a chance to weigh today on the scale at the hospital. Here's where I am now. Still losing muscle and putting on fat :(

Weight: 161 pounds
Percent body fat: 14.1%
Fat Mass: 22.5 lbs
Muscle Mass: 138.5 lbs
Dr. Kim's Target Weight: 190
MY Target Weight: 175
Pounds Lost: 271 pounds
Pounds to Lose: NONE!!!
432 / 161 / 175 / 105.4% excess weight gone

3/6/07

Well, here we are 32 months out. It has been a very difficult few weeks (actually months) for me. I have been up and down with the flu since November (a lot worse in the past 3 weeks). I just can't seem to shake this sinus and chest congestion. I feel tired and weak all the time. I really can't wait to see spring get here this year.

Also, I've put on 5 pounds this month. I'm not happy about it at all. It is from being sick and eating and drinking non-stop (and not exercising from not feeling good). Why is it that it takes sooo long to get rid of it, but nothing to put it back on?

4/6/07

The rebound weight continues. I am now back up to the weight I was a year ago (that's 8 pounds heavier than my low). I'm REALLY not happy about it. If it was all muscle weight or brain weight or something, that'd be fine. But I'm afraid it storage duties for all those twinkies and ho-hos :(

5/6/07

OK...this isn't funny anymore. I've gained 11 pounds in 3 months!!! I'm on a 44 pound a year gain tear!!! I'm starting to have flashbacks to my pre-op days. I have to admit I'm getting really worried by this. It's amazing how much 11 pounds shows too. I really need to find strength to get back on track. People are noticing the weight gain and that I'm eating more. I hate this so much!!! I'm so frustrated!!!! If I cannot turn this around this coming month, I'm going to find help.