Katie_C
Journaling, something I need to do! New Years Resolution?
Dec 31, 2010
(side note: the fonts on this keep messing up and are driving me crazy!)
I have not posted since October, that is way to long for me. I have had a lot going on, work has been crazy, life has been crazier... I am coming on two years post op, I have read posts on the boards where other post-ops say that they haven't been on in a long time, well they were right. The funny thing is that we probably need the support just as much now as we did when we were just starting out.
I have started seeing a physiologist for about two months now. It is probably one of the best things I could have done for myself. I started going because I am having self image problems, and relationship problems. The first few weeks were going over standard questions, learning of my past now we are starting to get into the thick of things. I will go back to that... I feel that I want to talk about so much that I can't get it to come out in an orderly fashion.
I guess I will go back to October since that was my last post. I can't remember if I have posted about this before, but I took a second job as a banquet server and a bartender at the Safety Harbor Spa. I have been working a lot of hours. Reg and I went on a vacation in November to California for a week and I wanted to save money for that. I worked Halloween, every weekend, I went months without a day off between my "real job" and the job at the spa. Of course that caused a little friction at home, I was never there.
November was good. Our vacation was over the week of Thanksgiving. I managed to save quite a bit of money for our trip which was great. We went to San Diego, Temecula, Dana Point, Los Angeles. I got to see a great friend if mine while out there, her new baby and husband. We went to Disneyland on Thanksgiving, and did a sunrise hot air balloon ride over the vineyards in Temecula. We had a great trip.
Now to December... The first week of December was marathon doctors appointments. I saw my Surgeon in early November, he was very happy with my results and how I was doing. The first week of December I had an appointment for my annual lady appointment... and a check-up with my primary care. I went for my annual exam and almost immediately he told me I may have Fibroid Tumors, very large ones. To make a long story short, and to fast forward over the next few weeks... I had two ultra sounds (inside and out) and three other appointments... where with ultra sound 1 I found out it was a cyst that was almost 9cmx9cm with "something" in it... Second ultra sound about a week later the cyst was over 11cmx11cm but there are now 3 "somethings" inside it. We wanted the cyst to get smaller from ultra sound 1 to ultra sound 2, no luck! They ran a few blood tests, looking for markers for Ovarian Cancer, and thank god I had none... My follow up was 12/23... the "somethings" are benign tumors that are in the cyst, so I am scheduled for surgery on 1/26/2011, Merry Christmas to me. I will have an open procedure, my OB wants to get the cyst out of my body before he pops it because of the tumors. He is concerned that just because the blood test came back with no markers for cancer, tumors are bad even benign ones, so he doesn't want to take the change that any of the fluid in the cyst gets into my body if there are pre-cancerous cells in there. Surgery doesn't scare me as much anymore... but he has to take my left ovary also. for a 34 year old with no kids who wants kids that is hard to hear. I know you can still get pregnant with only one ovary, but we have had a hard time with trying to get pregnant before and after surgery, so this is another set back as far as I am concerned. I know I have a lot of people praying for me, and I hope that this is what has been the problem all along... so we will see. On another note, I am getting a second opinion Monday just in case.
Lets move to Christmas... I didn't think I was as mad about this as I am until the other day... Let me first note that I am not a materialistic person... I have been married for almost 6 and a half years, we have a good relationship, there are things that we need to work on, I talk to my Physiologist about those things, Reg won't go. Back in October I ordered Reg a PS3 using points that I earned through work. The unit was on back order. We finally got it the week of Christmas, I know that was a long time, but I didn't have to pay for it so I was fine with that as long as I got it before Christmas. Well I made the big (very big) mistake of telling him that I ordered it. Every week he would ask, "did they ship it yet?" and the answer would be no... he would demand that I call and just became a big ASS about it. I was so mad that I just wanted to say f-it and cancel the order. I didn't I e-mailed back and forth and finally it got worked out and it arrived the week of Christmas. It was sent via UPS and they didn't have our apartment number so they didn't deliver the day they were suppose to... Reg was pissed. I went to UPS the next morning to get it... then he was pissed I opened the box, just the shipping box, not even the PS3 box. My family was here two of my sisters staying with us. The same morning we had a fight about them being here, they don't get along, but if Reg is forced to do ANYTHING he doesn't want to do he is just the biggest JERK. I had a therapy appointment that day also and I even joked that I know I will get a text sometime that day saying sorry. No joke as I walked out of his office I got the text!
Christmas Eve - we had family over. It was nice, we moved to a smaller place so it was tight, but we had a great time.
I had to work at the Spa on Christmas, so I gave Reg is gifts Christmas Eve. He already had the PS3, he got himself the Black Ops game, he got it before he even had the system, and he got himself these headphones that you use when you play... he put them on layaway. I also went to Game stop got him a 2nd controller, two games and a docking station. OH I also got him tickets to go to Jacksonville, FL to see the Washington Redskins (one of his fave NFL teams) play the Jacksonville Jaguars on 12/26 and two nights hotel in Jacksonville. I think it was a good Christmas for him...
A few weeks before Christmas he asked me what I wanted... I told him I wanted my car windows tinted. I got a new car a few months ago. He said that is not a Christmas gift... Why is that I asked... it is what I want and something I don't have time to do... There were other options... I have a Pandora bracelet... a bead or two for that, he knows I love getting itunes gift cards... he knows where I like to shop... what I got was NOTHING! He said that he can't spend money without me seeing it... well I was able to spend over $200 on the football tickets without him knowing... take a little money out of the ATM or cash back and set it aside... I just thought of the fact yesterday that he had the time to go and get a game that was over $60 for a system the didn't even have yet, and $80 to put his headphones on layaway... Sara, a friend of ours who with her fiancee went to Jacksonville with us asked me what I got, and I said he is taking my car to get the windows tinted... then he said I am going to do that... but I didn't get her anything... I was just lazy!!! His words... I was so upset that he said that... and embarrassed! So the fact that he was not able to spend money without me knowing was not the issue at all... he was lazy! That upsets me! What upsets me more is that he plays the game all the time... he comes home, takes the dogs out, puts his stuff down and plays the game... wakes up early in the morning plays the game before getting ready for work... last night we went out to his friends for New Years, he slept on the way home, got home and played the game...
I HATE THAT F-ING GAME!!
Well I am glad that I see my Physiologist this week... I actually see him every week... He thinks we should do couples therapy... I have not talked to Reg about that... I am sure that will be a fight...
I have no clue how long this is anymore... but thank you I needed this!!!
Katie
Do I know you?
Oct 30, 2010
I few weeks ago I went to the final playoff game that the Tampa Bay Rays played in. We were walking up to the trop and we ran into someone that we haven't seen in quite a long time. It was a little odd because I walked up to her as I always did, and went to give her a hug, but she paused to look at me because she had no clue who I was.
Another time I was working at the spa and this woman was talking. I knew the voice that I was hearing, so I went over to her, and when I had to explain who I was it started to make me feel funny, like maybe this is not the right person...but it was, she just didn't recognize me at all.
I guess I have to remember that I look a lot different on the outside to other people then I realize.
Something to work on!
Katie
Wearing High Heels
Sep 10, 2010
OK so Spinning tomorrow morning at 8:30AM with the girls... lets keep working those legs!!!
Not the Best Weekend!
Aug 29, 2010
The weekend started out OK, I left work on Friday, Reg and I went to dinner and had a nice time. We have been having some financial problems, so we talked a lot about that (as we spend money on a dinner out) and just had a nice time. To give a little back story... Reg and I got married 6 years ago, 6 years ago exactly on 9/4/10. We purchased our first home right after that and then I lost my job, 4 days after we closed. We struggled and tried to make it for 5 years in our house and just recently decided that we couldn't do it anymore and put our house up for short sale. We have been blessed with the short sale, we had an offer within two weeks of putting our house on the market, our mortgage company approved the sale after two months, which I hear is good time for this sort of thing, and now we are waiting on getting a closing date. In the meantime we had some mechanical problems with Reggie's work truck, $2000 later that is fixed, but there are more repairs looming in the near future on that beast.
SO you saw my post about stress... most of that was caused by some of what I have posted about above... but the big issue that I had was on 8/13 I was paid, I had my direct deposit set to deposit money into an account. I needed to move that money into our joint checking and when I did the transfer the receiving bank said that the transfer declined, and the sending bank said that the transfer went through. I was transferring $1000, so from 8/13 till 8/27 I had $1000 lost in cyberspace and I couldn't get to it... Let me tell you what a disaster that was... OK I won't do that... but it was bad...
I did the spinning class Saturday morning, it was great. It was hard, but I think I could have pushed myself a little harder. I worked from 11a - 4p that day at the spa, so I was happy that I did not over do it, it was hot outside and boy was I tired towards the end of that shift.
Saturday night Reg had his fantasy football draft party at our new place. That was fun, but I drank to much which made for a not so great Sunday. We went to my parents house went out by the pool (got a sunburn) but had a great dinner.
Then Sunday night I called a friend that had left me a message Saturday. A good friend of mine, I have known her longer then I have known my husband... told me she has cancer. She went to the doctor to see about a pain that she had and back in March they thought it was a UTI. Then the pain came back in June or July, she went back and they sent her to the ER where they thought it was a cyst on her ovary. Well they scheduled a laproscopic procedure to get the cyst, and that is when they discovered that it was a tumor on her fallopian tube, so they removed it and tied the other one. when they were doing the tests on what they removed they discovered that it was cancer and that it was not all gone. She has to go in for a major surgery in September to get what they think is there, but there is no telling until they get in and see... This is not going to be a laproscopic procedure, she will have an incision from her rib cage to her pubic area... She is a married mother of 2 and only 39 years old. Life in Perspective again right?
The one thing that she said to me was I am glad that you didn't say I am sorry! She said that is the one thing that she hated to hear when she told people. I honestly didn't know what to say, so I just asked some questions and told her the standard that if she needs anything to let me know. I know that she will, and I plan on making a few meals for her husband and kids for when she is in the hospital so they can freeze them and just not have to worry about that, it is the least I can do right? I hope that when they get in there it is not as bad as they thought. She is going to get a second opinion tomorrow at Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, which is one of the best places in the area. Not that she doesn't trust her doctor, but you know what, if I was looking at what she was looking at I would go to get a second opinion also.
Well I usually don't get to work on a Monday morning and just start blogging, but I needed to get this off my chest. Please pray for my good friend and her family.
Katie
Getting out of the funk
Aug 27, 2010
I signed up to get my ass kicked in a spinning class tomorrow morning at 8:30AM. Because of where I live (BFE) it is about a 45 minute ride to get to the gym that I am meeting my friends at for this ass kicking. Yes there is a gym closer to my home, but it is nice to work out with friends so that is why I am going to the gym that they go to... it will be worth the drive.
I think my post yesterday may have helped me a little... I feel better today, I still have a killer headache, which I have had for about 2 weeks now, but I know I feel better today.
I am looking forward to spinning tomorrow, may be a good tension release.
Step 2:
Getting things done... My husband and I moved from a house into a townhouse rental. I love the place, but because we have to much stuff I am finding it hard to get settled. That may also be a part of my problem. I need to get stuff hung on the walls, make it feel more like my home. Reg is having his fantasy Football Draft at the house Saturday, so that means cleanup and organize before people come over... not that they care, they are all guys, but I care...
Step 3:
Get back to work... I have lot to do today as I sit here and blog, so I best get to it!!!
I will update more later, thank you for the ear (or eyes).
Katie
Stress
Aug 26, 2010
I am a closet eater... I am worst when I am alone... I need to fix that!
Does anyone ever need a break from things... I hear the calgon take me away phrase in my head all the time lately...
Sorry for the vent... I will post more positive soon, or something that I have done to get out of this funk I am in...
Katie
Life in Perspective!
Aug 10, 2010
I was sent to Florida Cancer Institute - New Hope in New Port Richey, FL to have my infusion done. Being sent to a Cancer Center will mess with anyone's head, but it was sitting there that really put life in perspective for me.
When I got there they seemed a little busy, they told me to take a seat in the third of three sections of recliners. There were already a lot of patients there, but the big difference between me and all of those other patients was that they were all there for Chemo treatments. The nurse came over and asked me if I was a guest, and I told her that I was here as a patient. She didn't have my chart yet, and asked me what kind of cancer I had. I told her that I was here for an Iron Infusion, then another nurse came over with my chart and test dose to get me started.
I was sitting next to this woman, she was maybe at an age where she could be my mom and she started to tell me that this was her first chemo treatment. I instantly felt sad, as that means that most likely she was recently diagnosed and just learned of her cancer. She asked me if this was my first treatment, and I told her that I was here because I was anemic and needed iron. I could tell from her voice that she was a bit afraid of the unknown, since this was her first treatment.
There was another woman there sleeping and you could tell that this was not her first go at treatment, as she had no hair and looked so frail. when she woke up she started talking to the person across from her where I learned that she had Lung cancer once before and this was her second bout of cancer, which type this time I am not sure. She was person number three that asked me what kind of cancer I had.
As I was sitting there, test dose over and my IV drip dose just started this guy came over and sat next to me. At first I wasn't paying attention, but he was here as a patient also. Apparently he has been a patient here for some time, as all of the nurses knew him by name and talked to him as if they were old friends. What I learned next I can't seem to get out of my head... this guy is 27 years old and was diagnosed with rectal cancer. He went to the doctor back in March because he thought he had hemorrhoids, and low and behold he had cancer. He goes to get chemo every other week for three days a week. He also wears a machine that attaches to his port that delivers a constant dose of chemo 24-7. He is 27 years old!!! He has no family history of cancer... he was person number four to ask me what kind of cancer I had.
The next guy that I was chatting with this was also his first cancer treatment. He got up to go to the restroom, which is no easy task, as you have to bring your IV Machine with you. There was a display of wigs near the rest rooms, and they all happened to be ladies wigs. When he came back he joked... how come there are no men's wigs? I laughed and said because most men don't look half bad bald. He then proceeded to tell me and the 27 year old next to me that he thinks that he would look terrible bald, but he knew that he was going to find out. He was told that by treatment three he would start to loose his hair very fast. He said that he was planning to shave tonight, and that he was thinking of shaving his mustache off. He then said, and you can her the sadness in his voice that he has had that mustache for over 40 years, it is going to be very hard to get use to not having it. He then asked me if I had ever lost my hair, where I again had to tell someone that I didn't have cancer.
After talking to person number three, I was not giving any information about myself unless I was asked. I started to feel guilty that I was sitting there and didn't have cancer. Don't get me wrong I am not at all sad about that fact, I just know that those people were only asking me because I was there, and they thought that this was the one place where they would have something in common with the others around them. I know that they only wanted to talk to someone, to see if what they are going through was the same as what another person was going through, and I was not able to help them in that manner. That is what I felt guilty about.
I have volunteered for the American Cancer Society for many years, and one thing that I always remember them talking about is that Cancer doesn't discriminate, not that I didn't believe them, but when you see things in this light it changes things... Just in the 6 other people that were sitting around me, not to mention the other sections of patients I didn't get to meet... that could have been my mom, my aunt and uncle, and my brother... I have been very lucky that I have not had to deal with a lot of cancer in my family (knock on wood here).
Other than that my infusion went well, I should start to feel a lot better in the next day or so...
All I know is that things look a little different to me today.
Katie
Funny Things
Jun 24, 2010
My husband and I just moved and are in the process of unpacking. I was unpacking a box labeled guest bathroom and came across the container of flushable kids wipes that I had purchased just after surgery to you know take care of business after #2 when it was hard to reach... remember those days? I opened the pack to see if they were all dried up and they were not, but the smell of them (it was not a bad smell) made me want to barf... They smelled like a wipe should smell, but I think I associate the smell with that period of time post-op, and during that time I was heaving all of the time and feeling all in all very bad. It now makes me crack up thinking that the simple smell of kids wipes can drive me into a chin quivering need to barf moment.
What is even funnier is that wipes are not the only thing that makes this happen to me. I use to use a shampoo called Bed Head Moisture Maniac, I can no longer use that shampoo and conditioner because of the smell. If I even look at Hummus in the store the chin quiver is uncontrollable.
It is also funny that just opening the container of wipes made me think of all of this...
Something to work on
Jun 22, 2010
I am very good about exercise, not as good right now as I was a month ago, but we have just moved and things are crazy. I just started back to my routine this week of getting up early and getting in my workouts. I was going 5 days per week, but since we started packing and moving and now unpacking, I have not been in a while. I know that I have not lost anything, as it is a lot of work to move. We moved a lot ourselves, the big stuff we had movers for, but back on track for me on that!
The biggest thing I think I need to work on is that I eat to fast. I am currently at my desk at work writing this and eating my lunch. Portion sizes are usually not a problem unless I go out, I measure EVERYTHING! but I will find that I eat fast. How do you get 8oz of food to last 30 minutes? I am lucky if I take 15 minutes.
I am still having acid issues, I need to make an appointment because as soon as I stop taking the medication the issues comes back. If I am going to have to take heart burn medicine forever I guess that is something that I will have to live with, but I just would like to know. I was told that I can take the heart burn medicine, I am on Zegerid, and that will fix the problem then I will be fine. I take the medicine as I was told "as needed" but as soon as I don't think I need it, the issues comes back, I almost think that if I didn't stop taking it then I would be fine... I don't want to have another EGD or EGD (I never get that right) upper GI kind of thing... but I don't want to have heartburn all the time...
OH well... I guess I will get back to work...
More later!
Kind Gestures
Jun 16, 2010
I Posted this on the main forum, but I also wanted to add it to my blog...
I had something nice happen to me which made me start thinking...
Today during my lunch hour I went to the Post Office to get some stamps. As I was in line the skies opened up and it started pouring down rain. I stood in the Post Office lobby waiting for the rain to stop coming down in buckets...
I must have been waiting at least 5 minutes maybe even more. This guy happened to come into the Post Office, he parked near me and as he was leaving he asked me where I was parked and walked me to my car under his umbrella. I thanked him a few times on the quick walk over to my car, and got in and drove away.
As I was driving I thought that there are nice people out there. Then of course my mind started to wander and I thought would that same thing have happened to me pre-op?
It is kind of surreal the things that cross your mind after this surgery. You DO notice people treating you different, better because of the way that you look... which is nice, but at the same time sad... I am the same person I was 120 pounds ago, just more appealing to others I guess.
Well this is what I do... I take a kind gesture and turn that into this big thing.
