KelB2000

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It's been a while since I've been on OH...went on a family vacation in the Poconos...It was a challenge at times and I learned a few things...

1) My immediate family is made up of people who love junk/high fat food, and eat way too much. Too bad I'm the only one that got slammed in the face with obesity as a result. 3 of my 4 siblings (half siblings...different mother) are quite thin, though they eat like it's going out of style. I'm not gonna lie...I'm jealous, lol. I told my sister that she is channeling her inner fat girl when she eats. hehe. Anyway...on vacation I was faced with temptation, but for the most part stayed on track. I have not yet had a fill, and I have noticed as time has gone on, that restriction, as it relates to limiting the ounces I CAN eat, is minimal. There were a few occasions where I ate more than I usually do. When we made a campfire, I actually had 2 smores, and it was the first time I have had chocolate since my surgery. I felt regretful that I allowed myself to have a weak moment, but at the same time also felt a little frustrated because at the time I just wanted to feel normal, like part of the rest of the family who was enjoying roasting marshmallows. It's a double edged sword because I don't want to steer off the path, but yet I worry that if I never allow myself to partake, I'll feel frustration because it's total deprivation. In any case, I had a weigh in at counseling yesterday. I was really fearful as I stepped on the scale...as it turns out, I was still down a pound despite my slight indulgences. That's good I guess. But I've now noticed that I'm starting to become "scale greedy". I'm down 21 lbs one month out, and I wish it was more....I hear stories about people who lose weight so quickly...in fact, one of my friends on this forum is down 60 lbs and we were banded on the same day (that's amazing!!). I don't want to start stalling...Part of my issue is that I've been battling the decision on which gym to join. One where I live, or one near where I work. Trying to decide where I'd be more successful motivation wise. I'm leaning toward the one near work since I fear losing motivation on the 1/2 hour drive home from work each day. The catch 22 with that though, is that I'm a teacher, so when you consider the summer months and school breaks, I will then be kinda far from the gym....I wasn't totally thrilled with what seems like the only gym around, in the town where I live....argh...I just don't know. Feeling kinda blech and melancholy in general tonight so my decision making skills are kinda floating in the abyss....That's all for now

PS- Can you guys see my pictures? I can't tell if they've posted correctly and no one has left any comments....not sure.

Just wanted to post to say that I'm officially 3 weeks out and I've hit the 20 lbs down mark! Yay! Now it's time to kick up the exercise (aka actually start an exercise routine!). I'm happy about the loss but still waiting to feel the significant difference. No one has noticed the loss yet (and I don't count the people who KNOW about my surgery, since they know to look for it). Or if anyone has, they haven't mentioned it. That'll be my next milestone....hearing someone who has no idea I had surgery ask me if I've lost weight. And so I wait......

Just truckin' along on my journey...

Tomorrow is my post op and I am hoping my surgeons scale reflects the same as mine! I'm also hoping that I get approved to start exercising. Had a depressing moment last night-I'm in a show and it came time to try on costumes...nothing fit right :(. I'm still so big, I can't wait for the day I can just try anything on and it looks and fits great. Argh. But I recognize I have a long road ahead of me...it just sucks because even 18 pounds hasn't "shown" the way I'd like it to...

I've been lazy about blogging...so I'm gonna start writing whenever I can...

Here I am, two weeks post op. 15 pounds gone for good. It has been a fairly easy road recuperation wise, but a pretty rough road food wise with the liquid diet. By the time it was a week into it I sometimes felt like I wanted to bang my head against the refrigerator...no more soup!! I stuck to the liquid diet 100%, though the temptation to go out to eat with friends hit me hard on a couple of occasions. I knew I was craving the socialization AND my old foods...The fear of hurting myself or the healing process...or vomiting...kept me from going over the edge. I chose to avoid the situations. I've come this far and I didn't want to risk anything. In fact, I was proud of myself when I went to a karaoke bar and ordered water...that i secretly mixed a pouch of crystal light in and nursed the whole night. The "I'm on antibiotics" excuse worked well with the bartender...lol. Though I hate being "that girl" who takes up space and doesn't buy anything. I still tipped well...so whatever. I'm not a big drinker anyway, so I was more tempted by the bar menu than I was by alcohol. I could easily live without alcohol ever again.

The few people I have chosen the be my support system for my surgery have been wonderful. They understand that my preference is to keep my surgery a secret for now. Not that I'm ashamed or anything, I just want to be able to get used to this process...this journey...without any added scrutiny, questions, opinions, or stress. I don't want it to consume my life more than it already does. Maybe one day I'll want to shout it from the rooftops, but for now it's me, a few select friends, two family members, and my OH family. And I'm ok with that :)

Tomorrow I move on to soft foods and I can't wait. Though I have this idea in my head that it will somehow cause me to gain weight. Argh. I'm going to try to make smart choices. I want so much to be successful. I want to love what I see in the mirror. Speaking of fears, I made the mistake of watching a discovery health show about people who had bypass and needed plastic surgery to remove loose skin. I sincerely hope that after all of this by body isn't sagging by the time I reach goal. That's scary...I don't particulary want plastic surgery and I certainly dont want to hate my body after losing all the weight! I'll try not to think so far ahead...it'll make me nuts if I do..lol

I decided that in order for me to be successful, weekly therapy was important. So I've been going for almost a month now and I find it helpful. I realize it took me 26 years to get where I am now, and that surgery fixes my stomach, not my head...My emotional attachment to food, and eating behaviors, along with personal issues made me come to the conclusion that in order to really be successful, I needed to seek professional help. So there I said it...I'm in therapy. Yay for the head doctor :)

Ok that's all, goodnight moon!