kellyj01

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Ok so I know that my last blog was about big changes but WOW have I had so many more.There is this great guy that I love, that I have loved for EVER, and we started dating and he is sweet and wonderful and tells me he loves for me and not because I've lost weight.  I started a job as a courrier and quit it because it was a danger to my health, I kept having problems staying awake and unfortunatly got into an accident during bad weather because of it.  That and the stress it was putting on my boyfriend was too much for our relationship. He is also a courrier and on 3 different bp meds and is type 2 diabetic.  I already worry so much because he doesn't eat well unless the meals are pre made so I started cooking and trying so many cool new foods like spinach to help him eat better.  I still refuse to eat tomatoes and peas though.  Anyway, since I quit on Wednesday I started babysitting for a friend today and another friend when her husband goes back to work, he is seasonal.  I also started school for a business BA and am so excited by that. I'm a size 16, which I have no recolection of ever being....at one time I remember wearing my mom's clothes, a 12 I think but not a 16.  This is so cool, I put them on in the beginning of February and they are already starting to gap....wooohooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I got a tongue ring which I have always wanted but was afraid to get, I was still scared and had to have a friend hold my hand, my sister in law's sister in law, and if that isn't complicated enough, she is also my boyfriend's sister.  Freaky but cool.

I do have some horrid vitmin deficiencies.  Vitamin D, Iron, and I had a B-12 one but it is better.  It is frustrating, I get horrid migraines and am so so so cold all the time, side effects from the deficiencies, including bruising.  Strange bruising that I don't know how I get.  I have a couple weeks and I go back to my surgeon and hopefully when they retest I will be better.  well here's to hoping.  

well that's all for now since I'm supposed to be doing homework.

I find it funny that so much has changed since surgery....I am currently not hungry-ever, I have gone down a pants size in less than a month, I have a job, I am learning everyday about what I can and can't eat-Chicken is a big no, not in any way.  Oh well, fish is good though, currently.  I am happier and have made some reconnections with family that I had always felt alienated from, not for any reason(well...they are older than me so we never hung out, that could be the reason), but it is a great thing to have these connections.  I have noticed that I have to be very careful not to graze and to remember when I'm not working to eat.  I tend to graze at work because I drive my car all over and have high protein snacks with me, but I need to eat a serving and stop eating.  I am most excited about the 31lbs I have lost since surgery, that is the coolest change of all, instead of the scale always climbing or going down a few pounds then back up up up, it is only going down.

That's all for now and see ya all later.

SO I know this is normal, but it still annoys me.  I am starting to question my decision to have surgery.   It doesn't help that my mom (my main support person) keeps telling me that I don't need surgery and such, but she has always been like that.  Also, she is very scared that there will be a serious complication during my surgery.  My brother died 8 yrs ago and she still is very over protective of me. 

Anywhoo, today I was thinking that maybe I am making the wrong decision, so I talked with a friend at church that had RNY and she helped me remember why I need and want this and to use it like the TOOL it is not a cure all.  She has regained a large portion of weight and needs to have her stoma "tightened" (lack of a better word). 

I am also worried that many of my friends may no longer be friends with me because of my weight loss, now I know the old saying--if they were really your friends they will be there for you no matter what--but still.  I know my bf will stop talking to me because she already is distancing herself from me, and this is mostly because her mom needs the surgery, and is fighting her ins. company but it isn't looking good for her. Her mom is like my dream mom, wonderful and kind.  Loves you no matter what and I am afraid of loosing her because of my weight loss success.  Now my other bf, kinda hoping he wants to be more, is my friend's brother and my dream mom's son, he keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry that he and his mom will always be here for me, granted she has stayed close friends with the lady at church who had surgery so it is possible, and likely but that fear just gets in there and grows.  

Lastly for today, I am afraid.  There I finally admited it, but deep down in my heart I know I have to do this.  For me, for my kids, for my grand kids, and for the dog....well he is really just going to benefit from me walking so much now, and boy is he happy.

I have an addiction, I used to have many, but now just one.  I am addicted to Coke.  I love my pop.  Considering what I have been addicted to, this isn't anything.  I used to be addicted to pot, cutting myself, eating, and drinking.  But the thing that is starting to scare me, now that I have a date for surgery, is that I have to give up my pop addiction.  I've done it before, for a year or more at a time, but with everything that I am dealing with right now......I CAN DO HARD THINGS.....but....I wish I had more faith in me.  I have to find healthy, positive ways to cope and handle things without going back to pop, or any of the others for that matter.  This will make me a better person, once I have worked thru everything, given up everything, but the road to becomming that person looks like a treacherous path on the side of a cliff.  When I look back, I will see that it was just a shady lane thru the forest and I was safe the entire time.

Health:
1.       Drink plenty of water.
2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4.       Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5.       Make time to pray.
6.       Play more games
7.       Read more books than you did in 2008.
8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9.       Sleep for 7 hours.
10.    Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11.    Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12.    Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13.    Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14.    Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.    Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16.    Dream more while you are awake
17.    Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18.    Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner about his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness
19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20.    Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21.    No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23.    Smile and laugh more.
24.    You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25.    Call your family often.
26.    Each day give something good to others.
27.    Forgive everyone for everything.
28.    Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of  6.
29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30.    What other people think of you is none of your business.
31.    Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32.    Do the right thing!
33.    Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34.    GOD heals everything.
35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37.    The best is yet to come.
38.    When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39.    Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40.    Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.    

I am starting to get excited again.  My counselor has agreed to write the letter needed for me to have surgery.  Granted she is having a hard time getting ahold of the patient coordinator at Dr. Smith's office, but hey she only works 3 days a week.  After she writes the letter she has to have her boss approve it and then she can fax it, I am hoping for sometime this week. 

When summer started I really wanted to have surgery while the kids were out of school.  Now as I think about it, while they are in school might be better, I won't have to pay for a sitter for 3 kids all day long, just one.  Also, they will be busy with school and won't worry as much that I'm not here with them.  Although the first 3 weeks of school we have a lot of plans, and it would be hard but not impossible to do them if surgery is scheduled then.  I could always take a later date but.....I think I have proved to the patience fairy that I have waited long enough.

I can't wait to jion my friends and family on the loosers bench.

I became a member of OH around February when things were looking good towards surgery.  Last month I really got into OH because I was certain that I would have surgery by the end of the month.  It is currently too hard to watch other OH members continue on their journey while mine is in hiatus.  As soon as I have a date scheduled I will return, but for now I hope everyone does great and I can't wait to join you on the loosers bench.

I've made a lot of changes lately in preperation for surgery.  I changed the layout of the livingroom and deep cleaned it(have to rent a rug doctor yet), I took down the baby's crib(he could climb out of it anyway) and gave him one of the bunk beds (he figured out how to climb to the top one without a ladder so it had to come down), I bought a pur water filter, so I don't add to the landfill or spend extra money on bottled water, and I got an awsome water bottle that I love!!!  Also, other parts of my life have been falling into order.  The ex is an ex, the kids are signed up for daycare, I am looking for a job, I have one in mind and they will work around my surgery time off.  I am finally able to start paying off back bills to raise my credit score.  The next big step, SURGERY.  Just not sure when yet.  Oh and I even found people to watch the kids while I have surgery, granted it's 3 different people, one for each but, they will all be safe and taken care of. 

Even with all of this going on, I feel like something still needs to get done, I wish I knew what.  I do plan on raiding my closet and taking stuff to a consignment shop by me that is only for plus sized clothes.  Someone will get good use out of them.

I'm glad that OH has this blog.  I find I can write and then let go of the things bothering me.  Yesterday was so frustrating.  I had to take down the crib since the baby can crawl out of it, and take the top bunk off and put it in my room for him, since he figured out how to climb up it without a ladder.  No big deal except I broke the bottom bunk in the process.  I called my mom almost in tears(she bought the beds) and she said, we can fix it, are you ok, are you hurt?  This is not like my mom in any way and it made me feel so much better.  Even my dad wasn't mad.  My mom is comming over today to get it.  

Then the ex, got mad because he still lives here and sleeps in the bed I broke, so he thought I did it on purpose.  Right that was my plan.  He has been such an @$$ lately that it is driving me nuts.  He saw the dishwasher was full and needed to be run and left it.  He lives here, he can clean up after heimself, he can help clean up after his kids too.

Ok, rant over, my mom is on her way and I have to vacuume up popcorn from the baby.

I am so upset with him.  I've been talking with my counselor about my relationship and she has been pointing out what I already know that I'm in an unhealthy relationship.  So last night I wass thinking about how hard it is for me to trust that he isn't seeing other women to try and get laid and that he really is working when he says he is.  It had me so frustrated that he had lied to me about his other son's visit this comming Monday( that his ex and son were only staying the day and going home), I should have known better, but he has made plans to be with them the entire time.**Disclaimer** I think he should see his other son, just not screw his ex.   

Anyway, this morning I told him that I was frustrated with him and myself.  I didn't like feeling that I couldn't trust him and that I wanted him to start sleeping in the other bed in our son's room.  He said, "It's not like the chick showed up, you don't have to worry about it."  I hadn't really expected that he was trying to meet others.  So I went as far as suggesting that he get back into truck driving, which means we break up because I won't be a truckers girl.  Then no one will care who he does what with.  It would also mean that he wouldn't see the kids again because if he doesn't "get something" out of being here then he wont come to see them.  In the end though it is better I think.