kimberly84

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Well, I haven’t wrote in a while, it seems like time has been flying by, I thought it would take forever for November 19^th to come but, it came pretty fast. I’m  really having a difficult time these days, I haven’t been feeling well since I started my new medication to lower my blood sugar. And just some personal things going on at home. But I’m hopeful, Monday is my last appointment. In the “EMMC program” hopefully after this appointment on Monday I will be meeting the surgeon! I’m still not sure if I’ll be lucky to get a December surgery date, but I’m kind of ok with that .I’m so stressed out right now. But then again it would be awesome to have a new start, for the New Year.  I’m getting so nervous and so excited.

Well, I’m half way through the process of the dreaded pre op appointments, I have my sleep study and individual nutrition appointment left. My family has started to not be so supportive lately, which is kind of discouraging. But I’m sure they’ll come around. For once in my life I’m putting my needs and myself first. Which I know sounds selfish but for so long, I’ve been the “cool fat” best friend, the” fat chubby” sister, the “curvy” girlfriend and the” big boned” daughter. I’m tired of fat defining who I am. For once I want to be me and be happy in my own skin. I want to be defined by who I am not by the "fat"

Well I’ve been pretty busy latley, with school and work I haven’t had much time to write, but I have some exciting stuff to write about so, I made the time. 1^st I went to my pre op education class and support meeting. During the education class I found myself a little bored, I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not a pro at RNY but from doing all the research on OH, and other websites I feel pretty well equipped with knowledge. But I forced myself to pay attention.

The support meeting was great I finally got the chance to meet post op people in person and it was a great experience. My mom attended the meetings with me and it was great for her. For as long as I can remember I’ve begged her to understand how difficult it was for me to lose weight.

After the support meeting she turned to me and said She finally understood what I was going through. Which made me feel great! So to day I got my Anthem Insurance card and that’s awesome! They cover the surgery with no pre op diets or history or anything all you have to have is a bmi over 40 or a bmi over 35 with co morbidities. I’m going to try to lose 10 pounds between know and December to get the fire burning under my ass.  I hope I can do it. Well I’ve been scheduled for most of my pre op appointments so looking forward to it.

I haven't had the chance to post lately with school and work, but I finally have a chance to sit down and write. I have my Education/Support meetings this  Wend.  I'm really looking forward to going, going kinda is the really first stages of starting everything although I'm at the bottom of the hill, at least I can see the top in the distance. I'm just hoping that I'm not making unrealistic goals about losing weight, there's so many things that I want to do, that I'm holding back because of my weight.  

Insurance- a subject that I'm dreading. I’m still waiting to get my coverage in the mail. And call in with my id number to see what  exactly I'll need for wls. The last time I called they told me all I need is 5 years history of obesity and medically necessary. I've requested my medical files and should get those by mid October, if not sooner. I’m so excited , I just  hope that God is directing me in the right path.  I keep trying to keep myself grounded and make sure that I am doing this for the right reasons. I mean I’m not going to lie, I want to be skinny, I want to feel good about myself and enjoy my life to the fullest, but I’m also scared of having diabetes and high blood pressure  and those things kill as well.  

 

Well this week went by fast. It was a roller coaster, now that I’ve come to terms about my weight, I’m seeing things in a totally different light. Before I knew I was fat but denied it to myself. Now I know I’m fat or in medical terms morbid obese. I’m starting to get really nervous, today I was surfing the before and after pictures and I saw this picture this woman who had a total transformation and looked great, I clicked on her picture and it turns out she passed away due to complications. I know that not everyone has the same results, but things like that make me nervous, I’m not ready to go, but I feel that if I keep living the way I’m living now I’m also headed for the same road if i was to have rny. I’m scared, confused and broken. I wish I was able to lose the weight on my own, but I know I’m not capable of that without “medical intervention” I just feel stuck, I want to have gastric bypass, but I’m scared to death of the risks.

8/28/07
Well, class wasn’t so bad, I fit in the seats. It was kinda funny because I wasn’t the only person stressing about the whole seat thing. This woman walked in who was maybe a tad bigger than me and said “I hope my fat ass doesn’t break this chair” it kinda made me ease up a little bit.  Sometimes I wish I was the kinda person who could make “light” of my weight. People are always saying Kim why are you so serious, when they poke at me about my weight, There’s this girl that I work with that’s very overweight and  she’s so not ashamed of her weight, like she lets the whole world know that she’s big and proud of it. The other day we were all sitting in the break room eating lunch and she reached for a whoopie, and she says “this is to shut up the naggin skinny bitch screaming in my stomach” everyone got a kick of out it, of course those who were laughing where all a size 6 and below. I don’t know, I guess sometimes it’s easier to have people laugh with you than at you.

 

 

 

My Goals   8/26/07

Get approval from Insurance 
Get approved for surgery from Surgeon 
Have RNY
Have a safe and healthy recovery 
Lose 20lbs within first month post op 
Eliminate Diabetes 
Eliminate High blood pressure 
Reach first goal weight of 199lbs (no more 2’s before weight) 
Reach second goal weight of 150lb 
Reach GOAL weight of 130lbs-125lbs

Now here are the self-esteem boaster GOALS 
Go shopping with my mom 
Be able to be picked up by my boyfriend 
Wear high heels 
Wear a Bathing suit in public well maybe Bikini in public 
Run a mile maybe 2 
Wear shorts in public

 

 

I’m really stressed about starting classes Monday I never thought I’d get big enough to stress about being able to fit in the desks at my college. I took a tour last week and I saw how tiny the desks were and since then I’ve been stressing 1. About the embarrassment of looking like I might break the desk 2. sitting there for 2 hours painfully uncomfortable. I’m glad this is my last semester of college. So with stressing over that and stressing over the surgery I’ve been really nasty lately. I’ve been reading a lot of member websites lately and it’s giving me two types of emotions one of excitement and one of pure dread. The thought of finally being able to accomplish this battle with my weight is a feeling I can’t describe but knowing that there are so many complications is scary.  I’ve been thinking about WLS, for years now and last month I finally decided to look into it it’s only been like a month but every day it’s on my mind.

 

Well, I’ve started the process of starting weight lost surgery. I talked to a doctor about it when I went in about my back (discomfort). And he referred me to a bariatric center. I have my PCP visit September 5^th, and I have my support and education class the 12^th. So I’m getting the ball rolling which is awesome! Which is making me even more nervous!! I changed my insurance it’s active as of October and from doing some research I know that they cover the surgery! As it’s getting closer to becoming a reality than just a thought. I notice I’ve been putting off stuff, like after the surgery I’ll do this or after the surgery I’ll do that or I won’t have to do this. I don’t like the idea that I’m putting my life on hold. I want to live now because no one knows what tomorrow really holds. 251