Getting to 100....

Jun 11, 2013

This weekend I went to visit my husband's family for the first time since surgery.  Back in November, I wrote about seeing them and how uncomfortable I was and how I hated the way I looked and felt.  This time was totally different. I felt great. I wasn't afraid that everyone would be thinking about how big I was and how much weight I had gained. I was confident and felt good in my clothes.  I didn't feel the need to get all dressed up to take the attention off my huge body.  I'm still not thin but I'm way smaller than I was and I felt so much more comfortable.

We had a really good visit all around.  My stepsons socialized much more this time and didn't spend the whole time playing on their computers. The family noticed how well we get along now and how the boys have changed for the better since they first came to live with us.  That made me feel good too. 

This week I have my appointment with my surgeon.  As of today, I have lost 99.4 pounds! I don't know how I lost 1 1/2 pounds since yesterday cus I had way too many carbs at dinner last night but I'll take it! I hope that my surgeon is happy that a little over 5 months out, I am almost 100 pounds down, 90 since surgery. I want to talk to her about what my goal is and if she has one for me.  I think I would truly be happy at 190 pounds. I might be able to get below that for a while but 190 is where I think I want to maintain long term.  I think I would be a size 14 or so at that weight. When I was in high school, I was 160 and wearing a size 10.  I was SO skinny. Hipbones and collarbones were out!  I just know that I don't want to maintain a weight that makes me eat super strict and super low calories.  I want to be able to enjoy healthy foods and be active and not have to obsessively count calories and exclude food groups to be able to maintain my weight.

I have heard people on OH say that we have gone through so much and have not done all this to still be considered fat or "overweight".  Actually, for me, that's not true.  I did all this not to be morbidly obese and to feel happy and content with me size. I think at 190, I would feel quite happy. I didn't do it because I thought that one day I would be running around in a bikini and be thin and the envy of all the other fat girls. I'm not going to be wearing a sign that states that I have a 24.9 BMI.  I did it because I was 350 pounds and could barely walk without huffing and puffing and hurting. Yes, being 160 pounds again would be nice but I don't want to starve myself and cut out foods like fruit and whole grains for the rest of my life to maintain that weight or to be a size 10.  I'm not going to allow the scale to dictate how I feel.  I don't want to lose so much weight but have some number on a chart tell me that I shouldn't be happy yet.  That BMI chart doesn't mean crap to me.  I have always been big and I really do have "big bones". To be "normal", I think I would have to be about 169.  I just don't feel I could reasonably maintain the weight within the "normal" range of the BMI scale.

My first 5K is this weekend and I am so excited. My husband is doing it with me and I'm ready to cross that finish line...All 262.6 pounds of me!

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