Long time coming...

Aug 22, 2013

For some reason, the past few weeks, I would come to OH to post a blog and the box to type in would never appear. Glad it's fixed! I need to write a quick blog just to get some thoughts down and out of my head.

1. I am back on track... The past month has been kind of a throw away time in my diet and exercise plan. Jason's sons went to go stay with there mom and I was SO looking forward to 3 weeks of all adults, all the time! No picky eaters and special dinners.  No people telling me there is no food in the house when the pantry is bursting with crap. No pee on the guest bathroom floor. Ahhhh... it was gonna be nice!

So anyway, Friday, July 26th, my husband gets a call from his mom that his father is being moved to a Hospice house and may not make it through the day.  We pack up quickly and leave the house by 10 AM for an over 6 hour drive to their town.  He passed away early Sunday morning. Because of family needing time to travel, the service wasn't held until that Thursday. So we stayed in town for the entire week and left on Friday.  I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.  I tried to stay on plan for the first part of the time there but after a few days, I threw in the towel.  I ate whatever the hell I wanted.

That Friday we picked up the boys on the way home and I was thrust back into real life.  The house was neglected for a week and needed cleaning. The fridge was full of old food. The boys were back and ready to tell me what to do and what they needed and stress me out.  I went haywire for a little bit. Jason said it reminded him of the way I acted before surgery. Just laying in bed all evening and being very down. I couldn't stop snacking and wasn't exercising.

Anyway, I finally found my way out of the funk and without too much damage done.  I gained about 3 1/2 pounds during my 3 week hiatus and it's back off now.  I am now over 120 lbs lost.  Back to low carbing it, back to exercise in the mornings and I feel so much better! On track and in a much better place.

2. However, I really need to find a therapist.  I need to learn to deal with emotions without food.  I am taking baby steps to get there but I need emotional help. I tried one a few months ago and went about 4 or 5 times but we really never clicked. I didn't really feel any kind of help or any better when I left.  And the therapist made me a bit uncomfortable. I didn't really love her.  So I am trying to find another.

I found some old pictures and journals the other night and I sat there for hours going through them. Some of it brought back fun and great memories but the journal entries really made me sad.  I found my journal from 2003 and 2004. A decade ago.  I was 21 going on 22 then. And everything in my journal pretty much sounds exactly the same as what I would write today, regarding my weight.  I was so down on myself. I wrote how much I hated my weight and that I didn't deserve love. I was 237 pounds in the 2003 portion but 255 in the 2004 portion.  I talked about how ugly and fat I was and wrote down everything I planned to eat.  I talked about calories and going to the gym and what I was going to do when I lost weight. I am pretty much around the same weight as I was in 2003. I am proud of that but I also feel a sense of failure and despair.  I was so obsessed with my weight and food and I am still that way today. And if I had journals from when I was 15, I am sure I would have been the same way. My entire life has always revolved around my weight and food. Either restricting or binging. I really hate that. Even when I am in a good place with my weight, I am obsessive with it.

I would love to find therapy that really works for me.  That truly helps me deal with my food issues.  I tried my first therapist at 20 and have been trying to find one every few years. None have really ever worked out.  I suppose I should try again and I will... It just makes me so sad that in all these years that I have been trying, I still haven't figured out how to live a balance life.  I want so bad for this surgery to help me be able to find that balance where I am able to enjoy my life and not obsess about weight loss while not gaining and binging.  Maybe I have been looking at it all wrong, maybe I can't strike that balance and healthy living has to be my #1 concern. I don't know... that's what I want to discover with a therapist but having a hard time finding one. Oh well, I'll keep trying.

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