Worrywart

Sep 19, 2013

I am a worrywart. I stress too much.  I freak out over little things and go flying off the handle.  I come back down quickly and can usually stop myself from going crazy but I still stress and worry all the time.  I worry about money and about my bills.  I worry about my job and if I am doing enough and if I am a good employee.  I worry about my husband and his boys and how I am as a wife and stepmom.  I sometimes wake up at 2 or 3 AM and have to actively push scary thoughts about losing my job or my husband or my house out of my head.  Do I really think that I am in danger of losing any of those things? No! I love my boss and my job and believe I do it well most of the time. I love my husband and we have a great marriage.  My mortgage gets paid every month on time. So why do I worry about that stuff? Who knows!?!?

I really want to find a good therapist that will work with me in figuring out why I have so much stress and why I love to turn to food for comfort. I went to one right after surgery a few times but we didn't click. I stopped going to her and tried to find another but haven't been able to connect with one that specializes in what I need and that is on my insurance. I know I won't be able to deal with my food issues alone.  They are too long ingrained in my life. They have been since I was a child. Food pairs well with any emotion, celebration or tragedy. Telling me that I can have pizza for dinner will completely brighten my entire day. It's so silly....

My emotions are so up and down lately.  One example of this is last week I tried to go get labs done for my upcoming surgeon appointment.  I had the appointment planned for the 19th (today) and they usually say that you have to have labs done a week in advance for them to get the results back.  I tried making an appointment at the lab but the early ones were all taken.  I have to be back home by 8:30 to get my stepson up and off to school.  So I decided to gamble and go in early. I leave the house at 6:45 and I am at the lab by about 7:10 am. I walk in to sign in and realize that I have left my lab slip at home! Home is 25 minutes away and there is no way I can go home and come back in time.  I was SOOO pissed.  I tried calling the doctor's office to fax it over but they don't open til 8 AM. So I was screwed.  I called my husband freaking out. I was beyond pissed. It was my own fault but I wanted to scream at someone else. It was suddenly his fault for never being able to get his own son off to school and for me having to do it all the time. He got screamed at over the phone then I called back and apologized 30 minutes later. I felt so bad for being such a bitch to him.  He forgave me but I know I hurt his feelings. I rescheduled my doctor's appointment and got my labs today. Was that so hard? Was it really worth freaking out so much about that? No... but I just couldn't stop myself. I was so angry!

So stressing out less is one of my number one goals right now.  Thinking logically instead of emotionally is something I need to focus on.  Other than that, my weight loss has stalled a bit but I know it's because I haven't been making the best choices.  I think I am back on track now and trying to weigh in just once a week.  That scale messes with my head. I finally was able to run a full mile without stopping the other day.  It was on the treadmill and it was slow but I did it! Being able to exercise and feeling strong at the gym is a great NSV.  I love a good NSV. :-)

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