Remembering 200

Feb 09, 2014

The scale is moving again! YAY!  I stayed off of it for a few days and then weighed yesterday and today. This morning I was 214.8! Less than 15 pounds away from 200! That put a good start to my Monday morning. 

Last night I was looking through some of my older pictures and realizing what a difference perspective makes... One picture that I took was when I first got into size 18 jeans. At the time, I thought that picture made me look so thin! Yesterday, all I could see was a very large girl.  And i had last 100 pounds or so at that point.  But at the time, I felt like a skinny bitch! Right now, I feel really good about myself but will I look back in 25 pounds and think I was a cow at 215?

Thinking about perspective got me thinking about being 200 pounds.  I am so excited to finally reach that number again and get into "Onederland", as it's called by fatties like me. :-) But I remember the last time I really saw 200 on my scale.  I was around 19 or 20.  I had lost down to 160 pounds in my junior year of high school and maintained about 170-175 while still in school.  I started to gain pretty quickly after high school, though.  I had a lot more freedom, a much more flexible schedule and time on my hands.  Time I spent eating out with friends and going to get fast food rather than exercising.  I noticed that a lot of my clothes were getting very tight and some I couldn't even wear anymore.  I was a size 12 but at my lower weight, I was fitting into size 10s.  I wanted to be a size 10 so bad that I would go to the store and buy anything in a size 10 that fit me, even if it didn't particularly look great! I remember this one dress, though.  I bought it with a gift card I got from graduation.  It was a gorgeous black and tan dress that was very fitted in the bust and waist then had a gorgeous flaired skirt look to it on the bottom.  I remember being so excited that it fit me perfectly and was a size 10.  That was when I was 18 and a year or so later, I tried to wear the dress for a special occasion and it didn't fit.  Wouldn't even zip. I started crying as I took off the dress, defeated... I realized then I had really gained a lot of weight and I needed to finally face the music and weigh.

One afternoon when I was the only one home, I decided to finally weigh.  I was hoping I was 180 or less.  My mom kept her scale under this small couch in our den. Our den opened up to the kitchen and since the den was carpeted, we would take the scale in the kitchen and weigh on the hard floor in there.  I took the scale in, laid it down and stepped on it.  I believe it read 201 or 202.  I can't remember exactly but seeing that number was over 200 and I was no longer in the "1"s, shocked me.  I wanted to throw the scale out of the window and beat myself up for allowing me to get back over that threshhold of weight.  I was furious. I put the scale back under the couch and laid on it.  I was weeping. Not crying... a complete sobbing.  I was inconsolible.  If only I had known then how much worse it was going to get.  I was going to gain 160 pounds in the next decade.  I was going to get bigger than I ever imagined.

I wish I had the ability to stop it right there.  To tell myself that 200 is not where I wanted to be at 19 or 20.  To make exercise and sensible eating my way of life and to always keep an eye on the scale.  But I didn't.  I don't exactly remember what I did after that day but I'm sure I bought a new diet book or diet pills and decided to change.  I may have lost a few pounds but then I gained more.  And the viscious cycle continued. And before I knew it, I was passing 300 in my rearview mirror.

So, this time, when I step on the scale and see a number close to 200, it will be different.  I'll be ecstatic and telling everyone.  When I am finally in the 100's again, I don't know if I'll really believe it.  It's been so long since I've been there.  Probably not since I was a teenager! Just really makes me think how different things are when you hit a number on the scale coming down instead of up.  I don't want to ever have to hit that number coming up again... but if I do, I hope it's the real kick in the pants I need to stop it right then and there.

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