Latina_Chica_82

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WOOOO HOOOOO 60lbs gone!!!!

 Although I’ve lost 55lbs and feel great! The gym still intimidated me because of the anxiety of being the fattest person in there.  

When I walked in I saw this cute buff guy checking members into the gym, I tried not to make eye contact for too long but he looked me dead in the eye. So, I stared right back. I don’t even know if I blinked…lol! I handed him my key chain and then said thank you. He kept eye contact with me the entire time. “OMG” I thought! I tried to get out of his sight ASAP. I had a quick thought that he may have thought “Oh, you definitely need to be here!!!”……but once I couldn’t see him anymore I was less nervous.    

I tried to discreetly look around to determine if I was the largest person in the place, but actually I was really trying to get to a space that I wouldn’t be the focus of. I can’t really remember focusing on anyone’s face or body. It was all kind of a blur. I must have looked very silly! I probably made it obvious that I was the new fat girl at the gym….lol! I went upstairs to the cardio machines and tried not to make eye contact there either. I don’t know if I was afraid of the looks or afraid I’d find that no one out of shape would be on the machines.  

Anyway, once that was over, I got on the elliptical machine to warm-up. I tried to focus on my machine but would slightly turn my head to see if anyone was looking at me. I didn’t catch anyone staring, so I relaxed again. I then found myself looking down at the 1^st floor circuit machines to determine what machines I would attempt to use. I then realized it was mostly lean and fit people...    ahhhhhhhhh!!! How was this fat girl going to go sit next to these people and work out? I took a deep breath, kept looking around, and finally thought, “Well Clarissa, this is your life, either you want to do this or you don’t.” I got a bit of confidence back at that very moment. My five minute warm up was done.  

I went downstairs, confident and determined not to let the skinny and fit people discourage me from my goal. I got on the first circuit machine that was open and began. As I was using the machine I happened to look up to see the guy next to me smiling. What he was smiling about who knows, I just kept going. Once I was done I felt awesome. I had gained a little bit more confidence back. I was actually able to focus on my machine and the people around me. It wasn’t so bad after all!!!! While I was moving around the circuit I saw a few looks my way but didn’t get nervous about them. I just kept moving along, as I’m feeling great and pushing myself to get the best workout I can……WOO HOO…..Oh, no, not now!!!!!! The cute buff guy walks right in front of me and stops!!!!! He begins to mimic the movement I’m doing on the machine. What in the world is going on????  

He says, “Are you Clarissa?” My mouth opened slightly, Yes, I answered. He introduces himself. He goes on to tell me that he will be the trainer who is going to provide me my initial orientation on Wednesday. I said “Okay”, I wasn’t much for words! I was still doing my reps for crying out loud. He waited until I finished. Then when I was done he put out his hand to give me the official shake. So I shook his hand quickly.  I don’t know what got into me but I picked up my keys and water bottle and went right on to the next machine. He followed… Oh boy, now what?  

He then asked me, what I had done so far today. I told him cardio and upper body. He said great!!! Don’t do your core or your legs today because I’m going to work those out tomorrow. Okay, I said. He then asked, don’t you want to know why I’m telling you not to work them out? I was focused on my machine and how I was feeling like my arms were going to burst that I breathlessly said “Okay, why?” He quickly explained. I think he got the hint that he wasn’t making me ogle, so he said okay see tomorrow at 5’oclock. Okay, see you then I said as I moved to the next machine.  

I didn’t think much at the time but as I think about it now, I normally would have gotten nervous and unfocused but I didn’t. Infact, I was so oblivious to the initial intimidation or fear from when I had first walked into the gym. That just proves to me that I have grown more than I thought. WOW!!!! What an awesome feeling!  

To answer the question of; was I the biggest person in the gym? No, I was not! There were some women my size and a man who was 2x bigger than me. But when I realized that I wasn’t the biggest person in the place. It didn’t matter. I was no longer focused on that fear!  

So my advice is, don’t be afraid!!! You have to stick your foot out to get to the place you want to go next!! Believe in yourself!!! Know that no matter where your starting point is, there is another person who has felt like you and they did just fine when they moved forward.  

You are strong whether you believe it or not! Choosing to have WLS is one of the bravest things you could’ve chosen to move forward with. So, even if you have to move forward in a blur and not make any eye contact along the way, I know that one day you will look up and the “cute buff guy” won’t even matter anymore.    

Today is my 2 month appointment, I’m excited to hear the good news  and get on the “official scale” to receive my little receipt print!!!! I hope to be told I can work out now.

Phew!!!! I finally broke the plateau & feeling like I’m back in control!!!

I can't wait for my 2 month post-op appointment on 5/14!!! 
I love being handed the receipt that shows me the breakdown of my weight & BMI.

I'm craving salt, i'm so bored!!! I know i'm not hungry but I want chips!!!!!    

I'm back down to 270!!!! I had some good advice from a wise lady!!! Thanks Brendaita La Gordita!!!

I’m retaining water and up 3lbs!!! uhhhhhhh!!!

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!! Enjoy yourself & many fun activites!!!

My journey began in May 2007, I weighed 331lbs. I went to a WLS seminar, I learned about my options, walked out of there saying I want the Lap Band!! I told my PCP and he said it was a great idea. I have been overweight my whole life! It was time for a change. In June 2007 I began my 6 months of required testing and meetings. In January 2008 I was approved for the surgery. I couldn’t wait……this was my ticket to be skinny; at least that’s what I thought at the time. In the first month I lost 40lbs, then after that, nothing!!!! I was so devastated. I tried working out, being super strict on my eating, and even got a personal trainer. Yet, all that I was doing going crazy. I was always sick! I would vomit, froth, and get lots of other nasty stuff happen to me. My doctor suggested I tighten my Band, so I did. No results. Healthy food made me sick, working out hurt, and I never felt well enough to do anything so, I went back to the foods and routine that felt comfortable. I remember eating a family size bag of Hot Cheetos with 44oz coke as my meal for the day. This went on for 3 ½ years, nothing but bad food and bad habits!!! I gained all my weight back.   In May 2011, I was tired of being sick & tired, so I started to inquire about a revision surgery. My doctor and her team sent a request to my insurance company to remove the Band and convert to Bypass. I was denied 3 times; I didn’t know what to do. I was so sick all the time and giving all my strength to just make it to work was difficult. I had no more fight in me. I thought I’m going to have to finance this surgery all on my own!! I researched the costs and would find myself in tears due to frustration. When I finally gave up physically, I turned to prayer. I prayed to GOD to help me! I have always believed that when you feel there is nothing else you can possibly do, he’ll take the burden off you; you just have to trust him. I got a got a call January 2^nd 2012……I was approved!!!!!!! I jumped up from my desk, ran down the parking lot at work, screaming and almost in tears as I verified that the info I just heard was really for me!!!!! It was!!!! I began the required Revision surgery process. In Feb 2012 I was given the surgery date, March 13, 2012!!!! WOO HOO!!! I’m going to get a 2^nd chance at life!!!!   I knew this would be everything that I wanted. I was so far ahead of the game. I knew everything there was to know about what I had to do, I couldn’t wait to get the Band out of me. While in Surgery, they found lots of scar tissue wrapped around my Band, stomach and other organs. It was no wonder I was always sick!!!! Under the scar tissue was a hiatal hernia. My doctor cut out the scar tissue, fixed the hernia, and even had to cut a piece of my stomach that wasn’t able to be separated from the scar tissue. When I woke up I felt awesome!!! Well, after the anesthesia wore off….lol!! I couldn’t have been better!!! I felt Awesome!!!!! I was so happy!!! I gained 15 lbs of fluid from the IV’s but I didn’t care! I was released to go home on a clear diet for 1 week.   The 1^st week was horrible!!! I had super mood swings and was mentally upset because I really wanted to eat…..lol!! Everything has gotten better since my first meal!!!   My journey has been a hard, slow and painful one, but I did it!!! I’ve gotten a new lease on my life; I’m now on a new journey. A wonderful, positive, and healthy one!!! If I ever get any negative feedback or comments, I just blow them off. No one can ever make me feel like I took the easy way out because I know where I’ve been and what I’ve pulled myself out of to get to where I am now.   I hope my rollercoaster has eased some of your worries or fears.

I've been stuck for 4 days now!!! That scale needs to let me get into the 260's....lol!!!