Latina_Chica_82
I made it through the 1st day at the gym yesterday!
May 16, 2012
Although I’ve lost 55lbs and feel great! The gym still intimidated me because of the anxiety of being the fattest person in there.
When I walked in I saw this cute buff guy checking members into the gym, I tried not to make eye contact for too long but he looked me dead in the eye. So, I stared right back. I don’t even know if I blinked…lol! I handed him my key chain and then said thank you. He kept eye contact with me the entire time. “OMG” I thought! I tried to get out of his sight ASAP. I had a quick thought that he may have thought “Oh, you definitely need to be here!!!”……but once I couldn’t see him anymore I was less nervous.
I tried to discreetly look around to determine if I was the largest person in the place, but actually I was really trying to get to a space that I wouldn’t be the focus of. I can’t really remember focusing on anyone’s face or body. It was all kind of a blur. I must have looked very silly! I probably made it obvious that I was the new fat girl at the gym….lol! I went upstairs to the cardio machines and tried not to make eye contact there either. I don’t know if I was afraid of the looks or afraid I’d find that no one out of shape would be on the machines.
Anyway, once that was over, I got on the elliptical machine to warm-up. I tried to focus on my machine but would slightly turn my head to see if anyone was looking at me. I didn’t catch anyone staring, so I relaxed again. I then found myself looking down at the 1st floor circuit machines to determine what machines I would attempt to use. I then realized it was mostly lean and fit people... ahhhhhhhhh!!! How was this fat girl going to go sit next to these people and work out? I took a deep breath, kept looking around, and finally thought, “Well Clarissa, this is your life, either you want to do this or you don’t.” I got a bit of confidence back at that very moment. My five minute warm up was done.
I went downstairs, confident and determined not to let the skinny and fit people discourage me from my goal. I got on the first circuit machine that was open and began. As I was using the machine I happened to look up to see the guy next to me smiling. What he was smiling about who knows, I just kept going. Once I was done I felt awesome. I had gained a little bit more confidence back. I was actually able to focus on my machine and the people around me. It wasn’t so bad after all!!!! While I was moving around the circuit I saw a few looks my way but didn’t get nervous about them. I just kept moving along, as I’m feeling great and pushing myself to get the best workout I can……WOO HOO…..Oh, no, not now!!!!!! The cute buff guy walks right in front of me and stops!!!!! He begins to mimic the movement I’m doing on the machine. What in the world is going on????
He says, “Are you Clarissa?” My mouth opened slightly, Yes, I answered. He introduces himself. He goes on to tell me that he will be the trainer who is going to provide me my initial orientation on Wednesday. I said “Okay”, I wasn’t much for words! I was still doing my reps for crying out loud. He waited until I finished. Then when I was done he put out his hand to give me the official shake. So I shook his hand quickly. I don’t know what got into me but I picked up my keys and water bottle and went right on to the next machine. He followed… Oh boy, now what?
He then asked me, what I had done so far today. I told him cardio and upper body. He said great!!! Don’t do your core or your legs today because I’m going to work those out tomorrow. Okay, I said. He then asked, don’t you want to know why I’m telling you not to work them out? I was focused on my machine and how I was feeling like my arms were going to burst that I breathlessly said “Okay, why?” He quickly explained. I think he got the hint that he wasn’t making me ogle, so he said okay see tomorrow at 5’oclock. Okay, see you then I said as I moved to the next machine.
I didn’t think much at the time but as I think about it now, I normally would have gotten nervous and unfocused but I didn’t. Infact, I was so oblivious to the initial intimidation or fear from when I had first walked into the gym. That just proves to me that I have grown more than I thought. WOW!!!! What an awesome feeling!
To answer the question of; was I the biggest person in the gym? No, I was not! There were some women my size and a man who was 2x bigger than me. But when I realized that I wasn’t the biggest person in the place. It didn’t matter. I was no longer focused on that fear!
So my advice is, don’t be afraid!!! You have to stick your foot out to get to the place you want to go next!! Believe in yourself!!! Know that no matter where your starting point is, there is another person who has felt like you and they did just fine when they moved forward.
You are strong whether you believe it or not! Choosing to have WLS is one of the bravest things you could’ve chosen to move forward with. So, even if you have to move forward in a blur and not make any eye contact along the way, I know that one day you will look up and the “cute buff guy” won’t even matter anymore.
