Laurie Goldring

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I am about 4 1/2 months out from surgery now, and I have lost about 119 lbs.  The surgery seems to be working, but I have been at a plateau for the past 3 weeks, I hope it kicks back in soon.  It gets frustrating thinking maybe I am starting to fail.
I have been a failure at many things in my life, and that is the mind set I am in, that I am going to fail at this too.  I just hope this tool I have been given continues to work like all the people I have seen on this web site.  There are so many people that talk about how they have reached and exceeded their goals.
My current goal it to be healthy, and I don't feel that yet, I still have a long way to go.  I know it seems like I have lost a lot of weight, but I have more to lose yet then what I have already lost, so I'm not even half way there.  I expected to lose weight fast, but I didn't expect the compliments.
It's hard for me to accept a compliment when someone gives it to me.  I hear things like "you look great, you've lost so much weight", but when I look in the mirror, I don't see it. I feel almost the same as before surgery, just less fluid on my legs and less pain and shortness of breath. 
I have a low self-esteem, and I wish I could learn to be more positive and look at the big picture.  I know in my heart that I will someday look back and think this was all just a result of the changes my body is going through.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see for once in my life. 
I notice little things happening. I can move the car seat closer to the steering wheel and I still don't touch the steering wheel.  Jeans that were grossly too small before surgery are now falling down off me without unbuttoning them.  Shoes fit looser.  I don't get short of breath when walking upstairs or even on the treadmill.  It's easier to get up and down from chairs, couches, etc.  So I have seen some positive come from this experience.  One thing I didn't expect is that I don't enjoy food anymore.  I don't miss eating bread, which I thought I would because I was a bread lover before surgery.  I don't miss soda.  However, I stil can't live without my tea.  If all I had to drink was water, I would dehydrate and shrivel up like a prune. 

The date is drawing near. I'm so nervous. Mostly I'm nervous about the pain afterwards and about losing my hair. I'm also nervous about the 5 days of clear liquids that start next week. I have my final surgeon appointment tomorrow, then the surgery on Dec. 1st. Time has gone by so fast. I keep looking at the before and after pics, and some of them are "wow", and some of them look pretty much the same as the before pic, so no I'm worried that I will be one of the ones that don't change much after this drastic change in my life. I guess all the general anxiety over the whole process is just creeping up on me.

After waiting since July, I finally have a surgery date of December 1st, 2008. It can't come soon enough. The sad thing is....I'll be on clear liquids on my last Thanksgiving as a normal person. It's depressing.