leastep
Historical information!
Jan 29, 2007
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May 4, 2005
So much has happened in the last several months that I have not had an opportunity to update my posting.
I can't believe this happened, but I'm pregnant! Our pregnancy was unplanned, but my husband and I are absolutely thrilled --shocked and surprised -- but thrilled.
I was on birth control (Nuva Ring) and thought that everything was functioning properly (I was having what I thought were light periods) when I found out that I was 21 weeks pregnant. Holy crap! I thought that I was maintaining my weight, when in essence my weight was shifting. Our conception date (11/15) meant that I was roughly 9 months post-op. Fortunately, I was eating properly and taking all of my vitamins so my blood work came back normal with no definicies or abnormalities. (Thank God.)
Now I am working with my OB/GYN and dietician to ensure that I'm ingesting the appropriate amount of calories, nutrients, etc. My doctor says that I should target gaining roughly a pound/week during my last 14 weeks. Right now, at 26 weeks pregnant, I am 16 pounds from my goal weight. I am confident (with my doctor's reassurance) that I will lose the weight after I have my bouncing baby boy on August 9, 2005.
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January 21, 2005
I was in Los Angeles this week for work, and I was amazed that I was actually comfortable in the airplane seat. I could actually cross my legs with room to spare! I've flown several times since my surgery, but this was the first time that I felt relatively normal -- no seat belt extender for me! Sometimes it surprises me when I realize that I've lost 132 pounds, and that I'm NOT OBESE ANYMORE.
Last week, Scott and I visited some of his college friends that we haven't seen since my surgery. Chuck and Lisa are actually some of Scott's best friends. I like them a lot, but I was such a hermit when I was at my heaviest. I was embarrassed to leave the house, and Scott had to make excuses for me as to why I didn't attend each event. I've missed tons of weddings and gatherings. Scott even told me that people were whispering that he and I were "having problems." Yeah, the problem was that I weighed 300 pounds and I didn't want people talking about me (I had overheard some cruel comments at a previous gathering).
Anyhoo... fast forward a year, when we visited with Chuck and Lisa. We had a GREAT time. I think because my self esteem has improved so much over the past year I felt really comfortable being myself. Chuck and Lisa commented how wonderful it was to get to know me better. I don't know about Scott's other college "friends" but I'll face one challenge at a time. The weird thing is, I actually weigh less than Lisa now (she told me that she weighs 173, and I weigh 163 now.) It's so bizarre. I used to think that people didn't like and/or accept me because I was heavy. Now I realize it's because I had deep-seated insecurities and shut myself off from people. I was really fearful of being rejected. It seems easier somehow to meet new people who don't know my past than to make that effort to "re-introduce" myself. I get nervous because I think that some people have a pre-conceived notion of me being socially bizarre beause I was obese. I think that my experience with Chuck and Lisa taught me that I just need to be myself, and not act like what I think others expect of me. If they like me, GREAT if not --- well, that's their problem.
Sometimes I have the false notion that when I hit my goal weight, everything will be "perfect." My life has NEVER been perfect, but I need to continue to understand that I will always be a work in progress, constantly evolving. I am so much happier now that I've lost the weight, but I am facing new challenges because I can't use my weight as an excuse any more. I can't use food as a salve to heal my pain any more. I am facing these challenges the best way possible, and I taking it one day at a time.
An interesting outcome of "facing new challenges" is that I've been expressing my emotions and not bottling them up. When I was at my heaviest, I would force my emotions down with food. No more. Now when I am upset or angry, I express my emotions. I know to "normal" weight people this may seem strange, but it is such an empowering experience for me. If you piss me off, I no longer hide. I am confronting people -- woe to any person who crosses this former push-over's path! LOL
Anyhoo... I'm glad I captured this information. It feels good to purge the cache every once in a while.
December 26, 2004
When reflecting back over the "WOW" moments that have helped validate my decision to have surgery (among the many other health and emotional benefits, of course!), I've had two such moments. The first one happened recently when a friend and I were at a party and the only seat available was a flimsy, collapsable chair. I hesistated and stood, not taking the chair. My friend --reading my mind -- said, "Lynn, you're one of my SMALL friends now. You're not going to break the chair." It was such a revelation to me. The other WOW moment happened at the same party. I greeted an acquaintance that I hadn't seen in about a year. She was polite, but blew me off. Five minutes later -- after asking who I was -- she came running up to me apologizing and saying, "I didn't recognize you! You look great!" It was a lot of fun.
December 20, 2004
The other day, a co-worker pulled me aside and said, "It seems like you've lost a lot of weight. We're concerned that you may be losing too much."
I laughed and said, "I appreciate your concern, but that's the point -- I AM trying to lose weight. I used to wear a size 28, and now I wear a size 14. If I get to be a size 3 and I'm still losing weight, then MY DOCTOR will have cause for concern." I then smiled and walked away.
Why do people think it's any of their business???
December 1, 2004
It's true what 'they' say -- once you start losing weight, you start living life. I am amazed how much I've changed --emotionally and physically -- just in the last 9 months. I've lost 118 pounds, and I feel better than I've felt in years. I love my life -- and, for the first time ever, I love myself.
Although I still have roughly 35 more pounds to lose, I am active and healthy. I finally feel youthful again!
May 15, 2004
I can't believe that almost two months have passed since my last posting! It's because everything has been going so well that I haven't had time to sit in front of the computer!
Just a quick summary of the last month or so... When I transitioned to solid foods on March 25, I got violently ill. I was throwing up all of the time (and I even christened the Blockbuster parking lot once). At first, I thought that I had the stomach flu. Then, it struck me: I had a stricture. I called Dr. Ben-Meir's office, and they admitted me into the hospital that day. I had to go through an extremely painful endoscopy (the sadistic doctor told me that I didn't need to be put under because I was "young.") It was the most painful experience of my life; I was bawling my eyes out afterward.
After that harrowing experience, I was able to eat and keep the food down. Guess what? So far, I've lost 53 pounds! I've hit the 'half-century' club. Yeah! I am so happy! I have 100 more pounds to lose until I'm at goal! Hooray! (Who would have ever thought that I would celebrate having to lose 100 more pounds? LOL). I've been exercising 5 days a week (aerobics), and I started weight training this week (ouch). I'm doing really well, and I can't believe how much energy I have!
March 20, 2004
I went to the "Clothing Exchange" at St. V's and it was a HUGE disappointment.
The Clothing Exchange is an actual storage area at St. Vincent's with many sizes of clothing. It's open 9am - 5pm, M-F. The challenge is that the clothing selection is abysmal. Trust me, my expectations were low before I went to the Clothing Exchange. I was in shock --- I've seen nicer (and cleaner) clothing at the Goodwill. Clothing was dumped all over the floor, and the room was in complete disarray. Melissa (one of the counselors at CCBS) apologized and said that the Clothing Exhange has not been kept up like it should have been.
Now that I have a "bee in my bonnet" about this, I would like to volunteer my time to CCBS to get this Clothing Exchange organized again. I want to wait until I have all of my energy back before I propose this to the CCBS, however. People like us need this, and it's in horrible condition!
March 13, 2004
Fortunately, I received my package BariatricEating.com. I was having so much difficulty choking down protein shakes. Not only did I receive all of the samples I had ordered, the Susan Maria also threw in a couple of free extra samples! Without a doubt, the pineapple protein shake was one of the best things I've tasted in weeks. I also loved the Banana Shake. Oh, joy! I'm going to try the Chocolate Mint to tomorrow. I'm definitely placing an order as soon as possible!
I received my new bra tank tops this week from Just My Size. (I can't wear a bra for another six weeks, and my boobs are flopping around. The tank tops are absolutely perfect-- the "girls" are now under control.) I shared my little "bra" secret with some of the other women who were at my doctor's appointment. (I only told the "good" patients. The Taco-Bell-eating woman's boobs can hang down to her knees, as far as I'm concerned.)
I'm going back to work next week. It will be a difficult adjustment after being out of the office for three weeks, but I know that I'll get back into the swing of things right away. I just need to manage my stress!
Last evening, my friend Kathy and her husband Bill came over for a couple of hours to visit. We've gone out to dinner with them a couple of times, and we get along with them really well. I know Kathy from my book club. She's really fun. Tonight, my friend Mary Lou and her husband are stopping by. We should have a nice time.
March 12, 2004
Because I have had a lot of time to sit and reflect during my recuperation, I have been revisiting a number of former goals and dreams.
When I graduated with my Bachelor's degree, I was offered a graduate assistantship in Communications Studies. I foolishly turned it down, saying that I wanted to "take a year off." Well, 10 years later, I have never returned. Although I have a successful business career, I long for the academic life. I am a bookworm at heart, and I would love to teach and research at a university.
So... instead of wallowing in "I wish" land, I have sent away for information from a number of colleges and universities, including my alma mater. My goal is to enter a program Fall 2004.
March 11, 2004
I had my first post-op follow-up appointment today with Dr. Ben-Meir. I've lost 16 pounds in two weeks! I am so excited! The nurse said that my loss was right on target (apparently people lose 8-12% of their excess weight during the initial two weeks).
While I was waiting to see Dr. Ben-Meir, there were about 10 other patients in the waiting room. Of course, we all started talking about our experiences. Although 3-4 of us were compliant with the program, one woman was bragging that she had been eating Taco Bell, popcorn and beef. I couldn't believe my ears! I asked her, "Why did you even have this surgery in the first place?" I was so disgusted.
March 10, 2004
Last week, I was dealing with some discomfort and nausea, and had difficulty sleeping. Then one morning late last week, I woke up and realized that I felt great. It's strange; I can honestly say that today I feel better than I felt the last several months I was pre-op. Is it because I'm healthier? Is it because I took positive steps to reduce my weight? I don't know, but I am happy. A foreign -- but wonderful -- feeling.
Today is my first post-op appointment with my doctor, and my first "official" weigh-in. I am so excited to see how I've done!
March 9, 2004
Since I've been recuperating at home for the last several weeks, I've had plenty of time to endulge in self-reflection. Once issue that has been tugging at my psyche is that ---with WLS -- I have effectively killed my strongest coping mechanism.
In the past, when stressful or painful events occurred, I would seek solace from my best friend, Food. Because my recuperation has been relatively stress-free, I have not had to confront this issue yet. I am very concerned, however, because I am returning to work next week. My job is very stressful and fast-paced. I have been trying to think of new ways to cope, but my mind inevitably wanders back to the trusty, old vending machine.
I am also dealing with "head hunger" but I look down at my baggy clothing and try to remind myself that (to steal a line from Weight Watchers) "nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
March 6, 2004
I've been feeling really blue... I can't seem to shake it off. I told Scott that it's the old feeling of being depressed because of my weight compounded by the fact that I can't eat what I want and that I'm in pain. I've been experiencing some strange sharp pains lately. I'm going to see my doctor on March 10.
March 3, 2004
I am one week post-op, and I am feeling really good. I am so glad that I had the RNY completed laproscopically. I never thought that I would be this "mobile" so soon. I've been taking two 20-minute walks each day, and it has felt great. I could walk longer, but I don't want to get too far from home and have an issue. So, I'm playing it safe for now.
I'm not supposed to weigh myself yet -- until my "official" weigh-in next week (because the anethesia, swelling actually puts on weight and my doctor didn't want me to get discouraged)--but I was terribly curious. Can you blame me? OK... here's the 'un-official' weigh-in: I lost 10lbs! Can you believe it? That's so exciting! Ten pounds are gone forever! Hooray!
March 2, 2004
I can't believe it! I had my surgery at St. Vincent's with Dr. Ben-Meir on 2/25/2004. I had a very good experience with Dr. Ben-Meir, the surgical staff and all of the nurses. Dr. Ben-Meir is very knowledgeable and compassionate, but also very adamant that you follow all of the post-op rules to the letter of the law. (that is, he expects you to walk around immediately after your surgery and use your incentive spirometer every hour).
One issue that I had Dr. Ben-Meir is that you will not get anything to drink (not even ice chips) until the afternoon the day AFTER surgery. Dr. Ben-Meir wants to make sure that all of the sutures are in tact, and that the upper GI test goes well. (He has the least amount of surgical complications in the nation, so I guess it makes sense -- but I was really suffering.) Not having water was VERY difficult, but I was trying to think of the bigger picture. Easy for me to say... at one point, after the doctor was two hours late to give clearance for me to have water, I told the nurse that (quote) "I need some freaking water NOW." Needless to say, the nurse called the doctor and said that a docile, complient patient was getting "belligerent" from not having water. He then immediately OK'd giving me water. LOL!
Regarding my pre-op diet, I was on an all-liquid diet for two days before my surgery. Additionally, I had to take Fleets Phospho Enema and Ducolax to "clear out the pipes." (Yikes --it was like having blasting caps up the wazoo.)
February 11, 2004
Today is my birthday... happy birthday to me! My surgery is the greatest gift I could EVER give to myself. My surgery is in two weeks from today, and I am scared half to death. I'm trying to be strong for my husband, because I know he's really scared.
I am feeling the urgent need to eat my favorite foods "one last time" before my surgery. I am frantic and frightened that I will never be able to eat sweets again. The one thing that is stopping me from going hog wild (excuse the expression) is that my surgeon told me that if I gain any weight from the date of my PATs to my surgery, my surgery would be cancelled. Apparently, he had had several patients who showed up to for their surgery and were 30+lbs heavier.
So, when it comes to food choices, I am having one piece of cake --instead of the WHOLE cake (I'm just being honest here). When I endulge in Taco Bell for lunch, I am eating a small breakfast and dinner. I am trying to maintain my weight, but still enjoy all of my favorites. But let's face it -- I also don't want to pack on more pounds. Believe it or not, after the first few days, all of my favorite stuff really doesn't taste as good as I remembered it to be. I guess it's because for the last few years, my life has become an all-you-can-eat smorgasboard. I am really tired of stuffing myself to the point of painful fullness. I actually got to the point in which I am eating "normal" portion sizes; I am getting tired of the struggle. (My "last supper" syndrome is totally understandable. There's a lot of stress associated with the decision to have this surgery, and it's only natural that I'm reaching for stress relievers that I won't have ever again.)
February 1, 2004
I'm sorry that I haven't written in several weeks, but I have been so busy with work that the time has just dissolved away.
The big thing that happened recently is that St V's called to tell me that they re-scheduled my surgery date. It's now going to take place on Feb 25, 2004. At first, I was really frustrated and angry that they could just so casually jerk my life around as to change my date. Then, after cooling down, I realized that it is just a nine-day difference. I've been fat this long... what's 9 more days? Also, I'm a little relieved because my period was going to start on my original surgery date. I know that sounds silly, but I was really worried about wearing a pad during surgery, etc.! LOL!
January 19, 2004
My surgery is four weeks from today. I can't believe that the time is flying by so quickly. I thought that the time would drag -- it's been the exact opposite.
My pre-op test is on Friday. I am nervous and excited. I pray that everything goes well with all of the tests.
January 16, 2004
I burst into tears at work today. The pressure of being "perfect" at work was finally too much.
It's strange -- I think that I'm trying to compensate for being so fat by being the "ideal" employee. I always take on too much responsibility, work long hours and turn in 'perfect' projects...would work 'matter' if I were happier with myself?
My husband gets so frustrated with me because I work so many hours. The reason I work so much (and I would never tell him this much) is that I forget that I'm fat sometimes at work. I get so engrossed in what I'm doing, that everything else disappears. When I have to struggle to walk to the restroom and I have to see my reflection in the mirror, reality is much too apparent.
Today, I made a minor mistake at work, and I'm killing myself over it. It wasn't a big deal, but I was so upset that I cried. (Fortunately, every one had gone out to lunch.) When will work not matter so much?
I also cried because I feel that I'm in limbo until surgery. This struggle has been going on for so long, and I am just exhausted, physically and emotionally. God, please help me through this last stretch.
January 13, 2004
You are not going to believe this: My mother called me at work today to tell me not to have the surgery. I was completely aghast.
I took a deep breath and said, "Mom, I love you. I have decided to have bariatric surgery. This is not the time or the place to discuss this. I know you have concerns. Let's talk about this tonight." Once I got off the phone with her, I responded to the stress the same way I've done my entire life: I binged. All the work that I've done these last few months to maintain my weight is probably destroyed.
Ok, fast forward seven hours. My mother calls, and my husband accidently hangs up on her. (We're still debating whether or not this was a conscious or subconscious act.)
I called Mom back. Apparently, Mom had watched "Oprah," and had seen a show that focused on bariatric surgery. Mom was tearful, and again hit me with a barrage of questions. Because I've researched the procedure, I was able to answer all of her questions intelligently and thoroughly. Mom said, "I know that you're in there somewhere. Why can't you hear me?" She was implying that because I'm trapped in all this fat, that I'm not the "same" as I was when I was younger. No one can make me feel fatter than my mother can.
I am REALLY struggling with this.
January 12, 2004
I can't believe that my surgery is 5 weeks from today. In 35 days my new life will begin! I have been working really hard to maintain my weight until my surgery. (Because my surgeon told me that if I gained any weight before the surgery, he would cancel my date. If that's not incentive, I don't know what is.) Guess what? I lost 2.5 lbs last week!
I am in the process of coordinating family members to help out the week after my surgery. My mom, my sister Mary and my mother-in-law will be "Lynn sitting". My sister Mary is absolutely supportive of my surgery; my mother-in-law, Fran, has also been supportive. My mother, on the other hand...
My mom and I had a very emotional discussion yesterday. Instead of waiting for her to "attack" again, I went on the offensive and called her to address her concerns about WLS. (My therapist suggested this.) I again explained the procedure, and then told her that I needed her support. I asked for her help, and told her how important she was to my recovery. She seemed responsive, but time will tell. I also bought a book about bariatric surgery that I will be giving her.
Dr. Sutger suggested that Mom may be upset about the surgery because she feels responsible for my weight. I think that he may be on to something --- Mom has already said that she thinks it's her fault that I'm in therapy. That's food for thought (excuse the pun).
January 5, 2004
ARGH! My mother called me at work today, in tears because she is so afraid of me undergoing WLS. I love my mother dearly, but WHY DID SHE CALL ME AT WORK to discuss this? I very patiently answered her questions and tried to allay her fears, and then I asked her to call me at home this evening. She said, "No, I won't feel like discussing this topic then." My mother wanted me to justify why I was having the surgery to her. Additionally, she and my father had watched a news magazine show (like Nightline or 20/20) that covered weight loss successes, and she wanted to know, in addition to all of my other weight loss attempts, did I try Atkins? Hypnosis? Personal trainer? (Yes, yes and yes, BTW.) I am in a professional position, so I have an office, but my door was open and I'm sure that at least two of my co-workers and my boss overhead part of this conversation.
The icing on the cake of my day happened when one of my best friends sent me an email telling me that she didn't want me to die from WLS. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? Granted, I know that everyone is concerned for me, and that a certain amount of fear and apprehension is understandable, but holy @#$% ! I am trying to deal with my own issues, and I feel as if I am being bombarded all at once.
I think I know part of the answer: I just announced my surgery date. Before, I think everyone thought that the surgery was just something that would never come to fruition. Now, it's becoming a realty and I think that they are becoming nervous.
I'm sorry for going off on a rant. I love my mother so much; I just need to be more patient, I guess. (It's hard when I'm dealing with my own fears, though).
January 3, 2004
I spoke to my mother today about my surgery date, and coordinating a schedule of various family members to help during my recovery period. My mother repeatedly told me how "scared" she was for me, and was this surgery really a good idea? I said (almost chanting it like a mantra), "Mom, I'm confident in my surgeon, the hospital, and the success rate of the procedure. I know that I'll be fine." I wish that I could fully believe what I was saying, though. I am a little scared. Although I am eager to start my new life after the procedure, I'm scared about the surgery itself (and the recovery period). What if something goes wrong?
My husband, Scott, laughed when I told him about how skittish my mother was, and that her vocalization of her fears/doomsday would only heighten as we got closer to my surgery date. Scott said that I had the easy part: surgery. At least I'll be under anesthesia -- He was the one that had to deal with my family running around like chickens with their heads cut off. We had a good laugh over that one.
I spoke to my psychologist, Dr. Sutger, about my anxiety. He has been very supportive of my decision to have bariatric surgery. (Of course he has!!! He's witnessed my yo-yo dieting [+/- 80lbs] for almost four years now!) In addition to being a psychologist, Dr. Sutger is also a licensed hypnotherapist. So, not only I have worked with him to resolve 'family baggage' issues, I have also learned techniques to cope with stress and anxiety from him. Next week, he and I are going to discuss relaxation and "comfort" techniques for me to use during recovery. Dr. Sutger says that he prefers to use the term "comfort" instead of "pain" because he says that "pain relief" has negative connotations. He says that the most successful patients are those that have a positive attitude, and can focus on the bigger picture of why they are having surgery (the greater good).
I'll let you know how that works out. ; )
January 1, 2004
Happy New Year! And what a wonderful new year it will be -- I just got my surgery date scheduled! I learned on New Year's Eve that my surgery will take place on February 16, 2004. I am so ecstatic.
(I also don't know whether or not to be embarrassed or pleased about being a stalker. The jury's still out.)
December 29, 2003
I am officially a stalker. On December 15, 2003, I received a letter from St. V's telling me that a person from scheduling would be contacting me within the week to schedule a surgery date. OK, maybe I took that too literally, but I have been waiting SO LONG for a weight loss solution that I could finally see the end in sight.(See, I actually waited TWO weeks.) I know it's the holiday season and all, but hey, if you tell someone that you're going to call, then call! So, I ended up emailing and calling practically God and everyone at St. V's about scheduling my surgery. That may have been a bad strategy -I probably won't get called back until 2005. ARGH.
December 12, 2003
Today, when my husband brought in the mail, he said, "Hey look, you got a letter from the insurance company." He handed the letter to me, and my hands started shaking. The letter was so slim -- I thought that could only mean that I had received a rejection, and would have to start the entire insurance acceptance process again.
I slowly tore open the envelope, and gingerly opened the letter. There it was -- in black and white -- my insurance approval. I burst into tears. My husband came running over, asking, "What's wrong?" I sobbed, asking him to read the letter to ensure that I did mis-read it. He confirmed that I indeed had received approval for the surgery. I was so happy.
The next step is getting the surgery date scheduled.
October, 2003
In January 2003, when I visited my primary care physician to start yet another weight loss plan, he told me that if I continued down the same path of obesity and yo-yo dieting that I had been on for so many years, I would be dead before I reached 40. (My family has a history of obesity, hypertension, and diabetes.) He told me that the only alternative for me was to get bariatric surgery. I was stunned. I burst into tears, and left his office, convinced that he was a sadistic moron.
After reflecting on his words for several days, I realized that he was right. I was obese, and needed help. I began researching bariatric surgery at the library and online, and I attended several informational sessions sponsored by hospitals and health clinics (The Cleveland Center for Bariatric Surgery at St. Vincent's Hospital and the Bariatric Treatment Center in Columbus, Ohio, respectively). I also spoke to several "friends of friends" who have had the surgery, and have successfully lost weight.
My first one-on-one appointment was with Dr. Ben-Meir on October 17, 2003 (see below). It was a wonderful experience, and he instilled a lot of hope in me that this procedure would be successful for me.
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*Why I want to lose weight*
To my gentle reader: I write these to remind myself why I am having the surgery, not to offend anyone. I also want an "obese record" for archival purposes, for me to reflect upon once I reach my weight loss goals.
-Reason #144 why I want to lose weight: I am in constant pain. Because I am so huge, the constant pressure causes pain in my feet, knees, hips, and back. I walk with a limp because each step is accompanied by shooting pain.
-Reason #145 why I want to lose weight: Stretch marks have creeped across my body.
Red scars have been seared into my stomach, hips, thighs and arms.
-Reason #146 why I want to lose weight: My thighs rub together so much that they bleed.
-Reason #147 why I want to lose weight: I snagged my husband under false pretenses.
When I met my husband, I was in one of my "thin" phases. I had lost a ton of weight, and was very cute. He did not know what he was getting himself into. He has watched me gain and lose +/- 50-80lbs. for the last few years. I joke that my husband has loved me through "thick and thin" but I am horrified that he is married to me. I am so embarrased for him.
-Reason #170 why I want to lose weight: My underpants.
The fabric from my underpants could clothe a third world nation. They are enormous.
-Reason #189 why I want to lose weight: I weight 3x more than my sister.
I love and hate my sister, Mary. Mary has been my best friend my entire life. She is my joy. But there is a darker side to this happy tale: Mary weighs 100 lbs, has big boobs and is gorgeous. We're talking the guys-throwing-their-cars-in-reverse-to-get-second-look kind of gorgeous. Whenever Mary would introduce me to one of her new boyfriends, inevitably and incredulously he would say, "She's your sister?!?" I would hate myself at that moment, but I would hate Mary more.
-Reason #191 why I want to lose weight: Has anyone seen my vagina?
Because I have a fold of fat covering my private parts (commonly known as the "apron"), I have not seen my vagina in years. For all I know, it fell out during my sleep and was carried off by my cat. Not getting much use these days, needless to say.
-Reason #193 why I want to lose weight: I am invisible.
The most ironic thing about obesity is that the fatter I get, the more invisible I become. I am a non-person. People avert their gazes when I am walking down the street. Clerks don't acknowledge me when I walk into stores. I want to scream, "Obesity is not contagious!" Do they think think by making eye contact, I will leap out at them and force them to slather my fat to their bodies?
-Reason #194 why I want to lose weight: People think it's OK to make comments about my weight.
I recently appeared in a recent community theatre performance of "Steel Magnolias." I was convinced that my weight was not an issue. (I joking said that I had "gained weight for the part.") I was so proud of myself -- I worked really hard, and I felt that I gave a good performance. After the show, I had a lot of family and friends come up to congratulate me. I was so happy. Then, out of the blue, an acquaintance came up to me and said, "Wow, you were great. Now if you could just do something about your weight." I was stunned.
In another incident, I had rushed to get on an elevator to get to my office. I didn't realize that there were people behind me, so I couldn't keep the doors open fast enough. As the elevator doors closed, I heard a woman day, "She must have exceeded the maximum weight for the elevator." Why do people think fat people can't hear? Obesity does not cause deafness! I have rolls of fat, but they are certainly not covering my ears!
-Reason #196 why I want to lose weight: My maiden name was funny because I was fat.
My maiden name was "Wideman." Cue the obnoxious peals of laughter from pre-pubescent boys.
-Reason #197 why I want to lose weight: Small bathroom stalls.
I was at our company's advertising agency for a strategy meeting. I needed to use their unisex bathroom (yes, like in "Ally McBeal"), so I squeezed into one of their tiny stalls. While I was using the restroom, another person came in to wash her hands. When I finished, I pulled the door toward me to get out. The door wouldn't move --- I was too wide. I was stuck. While the other woman stood watching me, jaw agape, I straddled the toilet so that I could get the door open. The woman averted her eyes and tried to say something consoling, but I was so humiliated that I could no longer hear or see. I just wanted to die.
-Reason #199 why I want to lose weight: "Plus-size" clothing.
With my "fat" clothing choices, the key element has always been camouflage. Although I know that a morbidly obese woman lurks beneath my clothing, I am convinced that the more clothing that I layer, the more invisible I become. My wardrobe is also limited to dark colors and nondescript patterns -- I do not want to draw anyone's attention. I want to blend into my surroundings. A fat chameleon, if you will.
Attempting to find clothing that is not Barnum & Bailey rejects is nearly impossible. Anne Taylor does not design for size 26. Why do designers of plus-size clothing think that the fatter a woman becomes, the more her fashion sense diminishes? Case in point: animal prints. If I wear something with a zebra pattern, don't clothing retailers realize that it looks as if I've EATEN the zebra? They seem to scream HEY LOOK AT THE FAT GIRL. If I could pull off wearing a muumuu, believe me, I would.
-Reason #200 why I want to lose weight: My feet
One of the most frustrating aspects of gaining weight has been that my feet have gotten fat. Yes, I realize that this may appear to be a bizarre statement considering that the rest of my body is bloated with cellulite, but for some reason, I have always thought that my feet should be exempt from weight gain.
In "normal weight times," my feet are slender -- dare I say narrow?--- and look sleek and elegant in high heels. My feet are the crown jewels of my legs. Now, my feet are thick concrete blocks. I can only wear shoes with no heel. The constant pressure on my feet is so painful that any attempt to wear any type of heel is immediately punished with a barrage of shooting pain. I am eager to lose weight so that I can wear beautiful shoes and feel feminine again.
May 4, 2005
So much has happened in the last several months that I have not had an opportunity to update my posting.
I can't believe this happened, but I'm pregnant! Our pregnancy was unplanned, but my husband and I are absolutely thrilled --shocked and surprised -- but thrilled.
I was on birth control (Nuva Ring) and thought that everything was functioning properly (I was having what I thought were light periods) when I found out that I was 21 weeks pregnant. Holy crap! I thought that I was maintaining my weight, when in essence my weight was shifting. Our conception date (11/15) meant that I was roughly 9 months post-op. Fortunately, I was eating properly and taking all of my vitamins so my blood work came back normal with no definicies or abnormalities. (Thank God.)
Now I am working with my OB/GYN and dietician to ensure that I'm ingesting the appropriate amount of calories, nutrients, etc. My doctor says that I should target gaining roughly a pound/week during my last 14 weeks. Right now, at 26 weeks pregnant, I am 16 pounds from my goal weight. I am confident (with my doctor's reassurance) that I will lose the weight after I have my bouncing baby boy on August 9, 2005.
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January 21, 2005
I was in Los Angeles this week for work, and I was amazed that I was actually comfortable in the airplane seat. I could actually cross my legs with room to spare! I've flown several times since my surgery, but this was the first time that I felt relatively normal -- no seat belt extender for me! Sometimes it surprises me when I realize that I've lost 132 pounds, and that I'm NOT OBESE ANYMORE.
Last week, Scott and I visited some of his college friends that we haven't seen since my surgery. Chuck and Lisa are actually some of Scott's best friends. I like them a lot, but I was such a hermit when I was at my heaviest. I was embarrassed to leave the house, and Scott had to make excuses for me as to why I didn't attend each event. I've missed tons of weddings and gatherings. Scott even told me that people were whispering that he and I were "having problems." Yeah, the problem was that I weighed 300 pounds and I didn't want people talking about me (I had overheard some cruel comments at a previous gathering).
Anyhoo... fast forward a year, when we visited with Chuck and Lisa. We had a GREAT time. I think because my self esteem has improved so much over the past year I felt really comfortable being myself. Chuck and Lisa commented how wonderful it was to get to know me better. I don't know about Scott's other college "friends" but I'll face one challenge at a time. The weird thing is, I actually weigh less than Lisa now (she told me that she weighs 173, and I weigh 163 now.) It's so bizarre. I used to think that people didn't like and/or accept me because I was heavy. Now I realize it's because I had deep-seated insecurities and shut myself off from people. I was really fearful of being rejected. It seems easier somehow to meet new people who don't know my past than to make that effort to "re-introduce" myself. I get nervous because I think that some people have a pre-conceived notion of me being socially bizarre beause I was obese. I think that my experience with Chuck and Lisa taught me that I just need to be myself, and not act like what I think others expect of me. If they like me, GREAT if not --- well, that's their problem.
Sometimes I have the false notion that when I hit my goal weight, everything will be "perfect." My life has NEVER been perfect, but I need to continue to understand that I will always be a work in progress, constantly evolving. I am so much happier now that I've lost the weight, but I am facing new challenges because I can't use my weight as an excuse any more. I can't use food as a salve to heal my pain any more. I am facing these challenges the best way possible, and I taking it one day at a time.
An interesting outcome of "facing new challenges" is that I've been expressing my emotions and not bottling them up. When I was at my heaviest, I would force my emotions down with food. No more. Now when I am upset or angry, I express my emotions. I know to "normal" weight people this may seem strange, but it is such an empowering experience for me. If you piss me off, I no longer hide. I am confronting people -- woe to any person who crosses this former push-over's path! LOL
Anyhoo... I'm glad I captured this information. It feels good to purge the cache every once in a while.
December 26, 2004
When reflecting back over the "WOW" moments that have helped validate my decision to have surgery (among the many other health and emotional benefits, of course!), I've had two such moments. The first one happened recently when a friend and I were at a party and the only seat available was a flimsy, collapsable chair. I hesistated and stood, not taking the chair. My friend --reading my mind -- said, "Lynn, you're one of my SMALL friends now. You're not going to break the chair." It was such a revelation to me. The other WOW moment happened at the same party. I greeted an acquaintance that I hadn't seen in about a year. She was polite, but blew me off. Five minutes later -- after asking who I was -- she came running up to me apologizing and saying, "I didn't recognize you! You look great!" It was a lot of fun.
December 20, 2004
The other day, a co-worker pulled me aside and said, "It seems like you've lost a lot of weight. We're concerned that you may be losing too much."
I laughed and said, "I appreciate your concern, but that's the point -- I AM trying to lose weight. I used to wear a size 28, and now I wear a size 14. If I get to be a size 3 and I'm still losing weight, then MY DOCTOR will have cause for concern." I then smiled and walked away.
Why do people think it's any of their business???
December 1, 2004
It's true what 'they' say -- once you start losing weight, you start living life. I am amazed how much I've changed --emotionally and physically -- just in the last 9 months. I've lost 118 pounds, and I feel better than I've felt in years. I love my life -- and, for the first time ever, I love myself.
Although I still have roughly 35 more pounds to lose, I am active and healthy. I finally feel youthful again!
May 15, 2004
I can't believe that almost two months have passed since my last posting! It's because everything has been going so well that I haven't had time to sit in front of the computer!
Just a quick summary of the last month or so... When I transitioned to solid foods on March 25, I got violently ill. I was throwing up all of the time (and I even christened the Blockbuster parking lot once). At first, I thought that I had the stomach flu. Then, it struck me: I had a stricture. I called Dr. Ben-Meir's office, and they admitted me into the hospital that day. I had to go through an extremely painful endoscopy (the sadistic doctor told me that I didn't need to be put under because I was "young.") It was the most painful experience of my life; I was bawling my eyes out afterward.
After that harrowing experience, I was able to eat and keep the food down. Guess what? So far, I've lost 53 pounds! I've hit the 'half-century' club. Yeah! I am so happy! I have 100 more pounds to lose until I'm at goal! Hooray! (Who would have ever thought that I would celebrate having to lose 100 more pounds? LOL). I've been exercising 5 days a week (aerobics), and I started weight training this week (ouch). I'm doing really well, and I can't believe how much energy I have!
March 20, 2004
I went to the "Clothing Exchange" at St. V's and it was a HUGE disappointment.
The Clothing Exchange is an actual storage area at St. Vincent's with many sizes of clothing. It's open 9am - 5pm, M-F. The challenge is that the clothing selection is abysmal. Trust me, my expectations were low before I went to the Clothing Exchange. I was in shock --- I've seen nicer (and cleaner) clothing at the Goodwill. Clothing was dumped all over the floor, and the room was in complete disarray. Melissa (one of the counselors at CCBS) apologized and said that the Clothing Exhange has not been kept up like it should have been.
Now that I have a "bee in my bonnet" about this, I would like to volunteer my time to CCBS to get this Clothing Exchange organized again. I want to wait until I have all of my energy back before I propose this to the CCBS, however. People like us need this, and it's in horrible condition!
March 13, 2004
Fortunately, I received my package BariatricEating.com. I was having so much difficulty choking down protein shakes. Not only did I receive all of the samples I had ordered, the Susan Maria also threw in a couple of free extra samples! Without a doubt, the pineapple protein shake was one of the best things I've tasted in weeks. I also loved the Banana Shake. Oh, joy! I'm going to try the Chocolate Mint to tomorrow. I'm definitely placing an order as soon as possible!
I received my new bra tank tops this week from Just My Size. (I can't wear a bra for another six weeks, and my boobs are flopping around. The tank tops are absolutely perfect-- the "girls" are now under control.) I shared my little "bra" secret with some of the other women who were at my doctor's appointment. (I only told the "good" patients. The Taco-Bell-eating woman's boobs can hang down to her knees, as far as I'm concerned.)
I'm going back to work next week. It will be a difficult adjustment after being out of the office for three weeks, but I know that I'll get back into the swing of things right away. I just need to manage my stress!
Last evening, my friend Kathy and her husband Bill came over for a couple of hours to visit. We've gone out to dinner with them a couple of times, and we get along with them really well. I know Kathy from my book club. She's really fun. Tonight, my friend Mary Lou and her husband are stopping by. We should have a nice time.
March 12, 2004
Because I have had a lot of time to sit and reflect during my recuperation, I have been revisiting a number of former goals and dreams.
When I graduated with my Bachelor's degree, I was offered a graduate assistantship in Communications Studies. I foolishly turned it down, saying that I wanted to "take a year off." Well, 10 years later, I have never returned. Although I have a successful business career, I long for the academic life. I am a bookworm at heart, and I would love to teach and research at a university.
So... instead of wallowing in "I wish" land, I have sent away for information from a number of colleges and universities, including my alma mater. My goal is to enter a program Fall 2004.
March 11, 2004
I had my first post-op follow-up appointment today with Dr. Ben-Meir. I've lost 16 pounds in two weeks! I am so excited! The nurse said that my loss was right on target (apparently people lose 8-12% of their excess weight during the initial two weeks).
While I was waiting to see Dr. Ben-Meir, there were about 10 other patients in the waiting room. Of course, we all started talking about our experiences. Although 3-4 of us were compliant with the program, one woman was bragging that she had been eating Taco Bell, popcorn and beef. I couldn't believe my ears! I asked her, "Why did you even have this surgery in the first place?" I was so disgusted.
March 10, 2004
Last week, I was dealing with some discomfort and nausea, and had difficulty sleeping. Then one morning late last week, I woke up and realized that I felt great. It's strange; I can honestly say that today I feel better than I felt the last several months I was pre-op. Is it because I'm healthier? Is it because I took positive steps to reduce my weight? I don't know, but I am happy. A foreign -- but wonderful -- feeling.
Today is my first post-op appointment with my doctor, and my first "official" weigh-in. I am so excited to see how I've done!
March 9, 2004
Since I've been recuperating at home for the last several weeks, I've had plenty of time to endulge in self-reflection. Once issue that has been tugging at my psyche is that ---with WLS -- I have effectively killed my strongest coping mechanism.
In the past, when stressful or painful events occurred, I would seek solace from my best friend, Food. Because my recuperation has been relatively stress-free, I have not had to confront this issue yet. I am very concerned, however, because I am returning to work next week. My job is very stressful and fast-paced. I have been trying to think of new ways to cope, but my mind inevitably wanders back to the trusty, old vending machine.
I am also dealing with "head hunger" but I look down at my baggy clothing and try to remind myself that (to steal a line from Weight Watchers) "nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
March 6, 2004
I've been feeling really blue... I can't seem to shake it off. I told Scott that it's the old feeling of being depressed because of my weight compounded by the fact that I can't eat what I want and that I'm in pain. I've been experiencing some strange sharp pains lately. I'm going to see my doctor on March 10.
March 3, 2004
I am one week post-op, and I am feeling really good. I am so glad that I had the RNY completed laproscopically. I never thought that I would be this "mobile" so soon. I've been taking two 20-minute walks each day, and it has felt great. I could walk longer, but I don't want to get too far from home and have an issue. So, I'm playing it safe for now.
I'm not supposed to weigh myself yet -- until my "official" weigh-in next week (because the anethesia, swelling actually puts on weight and my doctor didn't want me to get discouraged)--but I was terribly curious. Can you blame me? OK... here's the 'un-official' weigh-in: I lost 10lbs! Can you believe it? That's so exciting! Ten pounds are gone forever! Hooray!
March 2, 2004
I can't believe it! I had my surgery at St. Vincent's with Dr. Ben-Meir on 2/25/2004. I had a very good experience with Dr. Ben-Meir, the surgical staff and all of the nurses. Dr. Ben-Meir is very knowledgeable and compassionate, but also very adamant that you follow all of the post-op rules to the letter of the law. (that is, he expects you to walk around immediately after your surgery and use your incentive spirometer every hour).
One issue that I had Dr. Ben-Meir is that you will not get anything to drink (not even ice chips) until the afternoon the day AFTER surgery. Dr. Ben-Meir wants to make sure that all of the sutures are in tact, and that the upper GI test goes well. (He has the least amount of surgical complications in the nation, so I guess it makes sense -- but I was really suffering.) Not having water was VERY difficult, but I was trying to think of the bigger picture. Easy for me to say... at one point, after the doctor was two hours late to give clearance for me to have water, I told the nurse that (quote) "I need some freaking water NOW." Needless to say, the nurse called the doctor and said that a docile, complient patient was getting "belligerent" from not having water. He then immediately OK'd giving me water. LOL!
Regarding my pre-op diet, I was on an all-liquid diet for two days before my surgery. Additionally, I had to take Fleets Phospho Enema and Ducolax to "clear out the pipes." (Yikes --it was like having blasting caps up the wazoo.)
February 11, 2004
Today is my birthday... happy birthday to me! My surgery is the greatest gift I could EVER give to myself. My surgery is in two weeks from today, and I am scared half to death. I'm trying to be strong for my husband, because I know he's really scared.
I am feeling the urgent need to eat my favorite foods "one last time" before my surgery. I am frantic and frightened that I will never be able to eat sweets again. The one thing that is stopping me from going hog wild (excuse the expression) is that my surgeon told me that if I gain any weight from the date of my PATs to my surgery, my surgery would be cancelled. Apparently, he had had several patients who showed up to for their surgery and were 30+lbs heavier.
So, when it comes to food choices, I am having one piece of cake --instead of the WHOLE cake (I'm just being honest here). When I endulge in Taco Bell for lunch, I am eating a small breakfast and dinner. I am trying to maintain my weight, but still enjoy all of my favorites. But let's face it -- I also don't want to pack on more pounds. Believe it or not, after the first few days, all of my favorite stuff really doesn't taste as good as I remembered it to be. I guess it's because for the last few years, my life has become an all-you-can-eat smorgasboard. I am really tired of stuffing myself to the point of painful fullness. I actually got to the point in which I am eating "normal" portion sizes; I am getting tired of the struggle. (My "last supper" syndrome is totally understandable. There's a lot of stress associated with the decision to have this surgery, and it's only natural that I'm reaching for stress relievers that I won't have ever again.)
February 1, 2004
I'm sorry that I haven't written in several weeks, but I have been so busy with work that the time has just dissolved away.
The big thing that happened recently is that St V's called to tell me that they re-scheduled my surgery date. It's now going to take place on Feb 25, 2004. At first, I was really frustrated and angry that they could just so casually jerk my life around as to change my date. Then, after cooling down, I realized that it is just a nine-day difference. I've been fat this long... what's 9 more days? Also, I'm a little relieved because my period was going to start on my original surgery date. I know that sounds silly, but I was really worried about wearing a pad during surgery, etc.! LOL!
January 19, 2004
My surgery is four weeks from today. I can't believe that the time is flying by so quickly. I thought that the time would drag -- it's been the exact opposite.
My pre-op test is on Friday. I am nervous and excited. I pray that everything goes well with all of the tests.
January 16, 2004
I burst into tears at work today. The pressure of being "perfect" at work was finally too much.
It's strange -- I think that I'm trying to compensate for being so fat by being the "ideal" employee. I always take on too much responsibility, work long hours and turn in 'perfect' projects...would work 'matter' if I were happier with myself?
My husband gets so frustrated with me because I work so many hours. The reason I work so much (and I would never tell him this much) is that I forget that I'm fat sometimes at work. I get so engrossed in what I'm doing, that everything else disappears. When I have to struggle to walk to the restroom and I have to see my reflection in the mirror, reality is much too apparent.
Today, I made a minor mistake at work, and I'm killing myself over it. It wasn't a big deal, but I was so upset that I cried. (Fortunately, every one had gone out to lunch.) When will work not matter so much?
I also cried because I feel that I'm in limbo until surgery. This struggle has been going on for so long, and I am just exhausted, physically and emotionally. God, please help me through this last stretch.
January 13, 2004
You are not going to believe this: My mother called me at work today to tell me not to have the surgery. I was completely aghast.
I took a deep breath and said, "Mom, I love you. I have decided to have bariatric surgery. This is not the time or the place to discuss this. I know you have concerns. Let's talk about this tonight." Once I got off the phone with her, I responded to the stress the same way I've done my entire life: I binged. All the work that I've done these last few months to maintain my weight is probably destroyed.
Ok, fast forward seven hours. My mother calls, and my husband accidently hangs up on her. (We're still debating whether or not this was a conscious or subconscious act.)
I called Mom back. Apparently, Mom had watched "Oprah," and had seen a show that focused on bariatric surgery. Mom was tearful, and again hit me with a barrage of questions. Because I've researched the procedure, I was able to answer all of her questions intelligently and thoroughly. Mom said, "I know that you're in there somewhere. Why can't you hear me?" She was implying that because I'm trapped in all this fat, that I'm not the "same" as I was when I was younger. No one can make me feel fatter than my mother can.
I am REALLY struggling with this.
January 12, 2004
I can't believe that my surgery is 5 weeks from today. In 35 days my new life will begin! I have been working really hard to maintain my weight until my surgery. (Because my surgeon told me that if I gained any weight before the surgery, he would cancel my date. If that's not incentive, I don't know what is.) Guess what? I lost 2.5 lbs last week!
I am in the process of coordinating family members to help out the week after my surgery. My mom, my sister Mary and my mother-in-law will be "Lynn sitting". My sister Mary is absolutely supportive of my surgery; my mother-in-law, Fran, has also been supportive. My mother, on the other hand...
My mom and I had a very emotional discussion yesterday. Instead of waiting for her to "attack" again, I went on the offensive and called her to address her concerns about WLS. (My therapist suggested this.) I again explained the procedure, and then told her that I needed her support. I asked for her help, and told her how important she was to my recovery. She seemed responsive, but time will tell. I also bought a book about bariatric surgery that I will be giving her.
Dr. Sutger suggested that Mom may be upset about the surgery because she feels responsible for my weight. I think that he may be on to something --- Mom has already said that she thinks it's her fault that I'm in therapy. That's food for thought (excuse the pun).
January 5, 2004
ARGH! My mother called me at work today, in tears because she is so afraid of me undergoing WLS. I love my mother dearly, but WHY DID SHE CALL ME AT WORK to discuss this? I very patiently answered her questions and tried to allay her fears, and then I asked her to call me at home this evening. She said, "No, I won't feel like discussing this topic then." My mother wanted me to justify why I was having the surgery to her. Additionally, she and my father had watched a news magazine show (like Nightline or 20/20) that covered weight loss successes, and she wanted to know, in addition to all of my other weight loss attempts, did I try Atkins? Hypnosis? Personal trainer? (Yes, yes and yes, BTW.) I am in a professional position, so I have an office, but my door was open and I'm sure that at least two of my co-workers and my boss overhead part of this conversation.
The icing on the cake of my day happened when one of my best friends sent me an email telling me that she didn't want me to die from WLS. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? Granted, I know that everyone is concerned for me, and that a certain amount of fear and apprehension is understandable, but holy @#$% ! I am trying to deal with my own issues, and I feel as if I am being bombarded all at once.
I think I know part of the answer: I just announced my surgery date. Before, I think everyone thought that the surgery was just something that would never come to fruition. Now, it's becoming a realty and I think that they are becoming nervous.
I'm sorry for going off on a rant. I love my mother so much; I just need to be more patient, I guess. (It's hard when I'm dealing with my own fears, though).
January 3, 2004
I spoke to my mother today about my surgery date, and coordinating a schedule of various family members to help during my recovery period. My mother repeatedly told me how "scared" she was for me, and was this surgery really a good idea? I said (almost chanting it like a mantra), "Mom, I'm confident in my surgeon, the hospital, and the success rate of the procedure. I know that I'll be fine." I wish that I could fully believe what I was saying, though. I am a little scared. Although I am eager to start my new life after the procedure, I'm scared about the surgery itself (and the recovery period). What if something goes wrong?
My husband, Scott, laughed when I told him about how skittish my mother was, and that her vocalization of her fears/doomsday would only heighten as we got closer to my surgery date. Scott said that I had the easy part: surgery. At least I'll be under anesthesia -- He was the one that had to deal with my family running around like chickens with their heads cut off. We had a good laugh over that one.
I spoke to my psychologist, Dr. Sutger, about my anxiety. He has been very supportive of my decision to have bariatric surgery. (Of course he has!!! He's witnessed my yo-yo dieting [+/- 80lbs] for almost four years now!) In addition to being a psychologist, Dr. Sutger is also a licensed hypnotherapist. So, not only I have worked with him to resolve 'family baggage' issues, I have also learned techniques to cope with stress and anxiety from him. Next week, he and I are going to discuss relaxation and "comfort" techniques for me to use during recovery. Dr. Sutger says that he prefers to use the term "comfort" instead of "pain" because he says that "pain relief" has negative connotations. He says that the most successful patients are those that have a positive attitude, and can focus on the bigger picture of why they are having surgery (the greater good).
I'll let you know how that works out. ; )
January 1, 2004
Happy New Year! And what a wonderful new year it will be -- I just got my surgery date scheduled! I learned on New Year's Eve that my surgery will take place on February 16, 2004. I am so ecstatic.
(I also don't know whether or not to be embarrassed or pleased about being a stalker. The jury's still out.)
December 29, 2003
I am officially a stalker. On December 15, 2003, I received a letter from St. V's telling me that a person from scheduling would be contacting me within the week to schedule a surgery date. OK, maybe I took that too literally, but I have been waiting SO LONG for a weight loss solution that I could finally see the end in sight.(See, I actually waited TWO weeks.) I know it's the holiday season and all, but hey, if you tell someone that you're going to call, then call! So, I ended up emailing and calling practically God and everyone at St. V's about scheduling my surgery. That may have been a bad strategy -I probably won't get called back until 2005. ARGH.
December 12, 2003
Today, when my husband brought in the mail, he said, "Hey look, you got a letter from the insurance company." He handed the letter to me, and my hands started shaking. The letter was so slim -- I thought that could only mean that I had received a rejection, and would have to start the entire insurance acceptance process again.
I slowly tore open the envelope, and gingerly opened the letter. There it was -- in black and white -- my insurance approval. I burst into tears. My husband came running over, asking, "What's wrong?" I sobbed, asking him to read the letter to ensure that I did mis-read it. He confirmed that I indeed had received approval for the surgery. I was so happy.
The next step is getting the surgery date scheduled.
October, 2003
In January 2003, when I visited my primary care physician to start yet another weight loss plan, he told me that if I continued down the same path of obesity and yo-yo dieting that I had been on for so many years, I would be dead before I reached 40. (My family has a history of obesity, hypertension, and diabetes.) He told me that the only alternative for me was to get bariatric surgery. I was stunned. I burst into tears, and left his office, convinced that he was a sadistic moron.
After reflecting on his words for several days, I realized that he was right. I was obese, and needed help. I began researching bariatric surgery at the library and online, and I attended several informational sessions sponsored by hospitals and health clinics (The Cleveland Center for Bariatric Surgery at St. Vincent's Hospital and the Bariatric Treatment Center in Columbus, Ohio, respectively). I also spoke to several "friends of friends" who have had the surgery, and have successfully lost weight.
My first one-on-one appointment was with Dr. Ben-Meir on October 17, 2003 (see below). It was a wonderful experience, and he instilled a lot of hope in me that this procedure would be successful for me.
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*Why I want to lose weight*
To my gentle reader: I write these to remind myself why I am having the surgery, not to offend anyone. I also want an "obese record" for archival purposes, for me to reflect upon once I reach my weight loss goals.
-Reason #144 why I want to lose weight: I am in constant pain. Because I am so huge, the constant pressure causes pain in my feet, knees, hips, and back. I walk with a limp because each step is accompanied by shooting pain.
-Reason #145 why I want to lose weight: Stretch marks have creeped across my body.
Red scars have been seared into my stomach, hips, thighs and arms.
-Reason #146 why I want to lose weight: My thighs rub together so much that they bleed.
-Reason #147 why I want to lose weight: I snagged my husband under false pretenses.
When I met my husband, I was in one of my "thin" phases. I had lost a ton of weight, and was very cute. He did not know what he was getting himself into. He has watched me gain and lose +/- 50-80lbs. for the last few years. I joke that my husband has loved me through "thick and thin" but I am horrified that he is married to me. I am so embarrased for him.
-Reason #170 why I want to lose weight: My underpants.
The fabric from my underpants could clothe a third world nation. They are enormous.
-Reason #189 why I want to lose weight: I weight 3x more than my sister.
I love and hate my sister, Mary. Mary has been my best friend my entire life. She is my joy. But there is a darker side to this happy tale: Mary weighs 100 lbs, has big boobs and is gorgeous. We're talking the guys-throwing-their-cars-in-reverse-to-get-second-look kind of gorgeous. Whenever Mary would introduce me to one of her new boyfriends, inevitably and incredulously he would say, "She's your sister?!?" I would hate myself at that moment, but I would hate Mary more.
-Reason #191 why I want to lose weight: Has anyone seen my vagina?
Because I have a fold of fat covering my private parts (commonly known as the "apron"), I have not seen my vagina in years. For all I know, it fell out during my sleep and was carried off by my cat. Not getting much use these days, needless to say.
-Reason #193 why I want to lose weight: I am invisible.
The most ironic thing about obesity is that the fatter I get, the more invisible I become. I am a non-person. People avert their gazes when I am walking down the street. Clerks don't acknowledge me when I walk into stores. I want to scream, "Obesity is not contagious!" Do they think think by making eye contact, I will leap out at them and force them to slather my fat to their bodies?
-Reason #194 why I want to lose weight: People think it's OK to make comments about my weight.
I recently appeared in a recent community theatre performance of "Steel Magnolias." I was convinced that my weight was not an issue. (I joking said that I had "gained weight for the part.") I was so proud of myself -- I worked really hard, and I felt that I gave a good performance. After the show, I had a lot of family and friends come up to congratulate me. I was so happy. Then, out of the blue, an acquaintance came up to me and said, "Wow, you were great. Now if you could just do something about your weight." I was stunned.
In another incident, I had rushed to get on an elevator to get to my office. I didn't realize that there were people behind me, so I couldn't keep the doors open fast enough. As the elevator doors closed, I heard a woman day, "She must have exceeded the maximum weight for the elevator." Why do people think fat people can't hear? Obesity does not cause deafness! I have rolls of fat, but they are certainly not covering my ears!
-Reason #196 why I want to lose weight: My maiden name was funny because I was fat.
My maiden name was "Wideman." Cue the obnoxious peals of laughter from pre-pubescent boys.
-Reason #197 why I want to lose weight: Small bathroom stalls.
I was at our company's advertising agency for a strategy meeting. I needed to use their unisex bathroom (yes, like in "Ally McBeal"), so I squeezed into one of their tiny stalls. While I was using the restroom, another person came in to wash her hands. When I finished, I pulled the door toward me to get out. The door wouldn't move --- I was too wide. I was stuck. While the other woman stood watching me, jaw agape, I straddled the toilet so that I could get the door open. The woman averted her eyes and tried to say something consoling, but I was so humiliated that I could no longer hear or see. I just wanted to die.
-Reason #199 why I want to lose weight: "Plus-size" clothing.
With my "fat" clothing choices, the key element has always been camouflage. Although I know that a morbidly obese woman lurks beneath my clothing, I am convinced that the more clothing that I layer, the more invisible I become. My wardrobe is also limited to dark colors and nondescript patterns -- I do not want to draw anyone's attention. I want to blend into my surroundings. A fat chameleon, if you will.
Attempting to find clothing that is not Barnum & Bailey rejects is nearly impossible. Anne Taylor does not design for size 26. Why do designers of plus-size clothing think that the fatter a woman becomes, the more her fashion sense diminishes? Case in point: animal prints. If I wear something with a zebra pattern, don't clothing retailers realize that it looks as if I've EATEN the zebra? They seem to scream HEY LOOK AT THE FAT GIRL. If I could pull off wearing a muumuu, believe me, I would.
-Reason #200 why I want to lose weight: My feet
One of the most frustrating aspects of gaining weight has been that my feet have gotten fat. Yes, I realize that this may appear to be a bizarre statement considering that the rest of my body is bloated with cellulite, but for some reason, I have always thought that my feet should be exempt from weight gain.
In "normal weight times," my feet are slender -- dare I say narrow?--- and look sleek and elegant in high heels. My feet are the crown jewels of my legs. Now, my feet are thick concrete blocks. I can only wear shoes with no heel. The constant pressure on my feet is so painful that any attempt to wear any type of heel is immediately punished with a barrage of shooting pain. I am eager to lose weight so that I can wear beautiful shoes and feel feminine again.