Loralea
Here's my pre-op journey:
2000 - researched Gastric Bypass for the first time, but was scared of it (250 lb). Diet and exercise (230 lb)
2001 - pregnant with 3rd child (255 lb), born Dec 2001 (270 lb)
2002 - heard about new Lap-Band procedure and started researching surgery again. Decided to try diet and exericise again first. Gallbladder removed in May. (232 lb)
2003 - pregnant with 4th child (250 lb)
2004 - 4th child born, May 2004 (254 lb) Attended seminar for lap-band surgery, found out insurance required 6 mo. PSDE. (245 lb) Changed jobs and insurance before I could finish the PSDE. Surgery excluded on new insurance. We'll have to save up for it. ::sigh::
2005 - pregnant with 5th child (256 lb)
2006 - 5th child born, May 2006 (269 lb) Time to lose the baby weight again. (254 lb). Change jobs again, forget to check with new company insurance to see if surgery is covered and stay on my husband's insurance. (270 lb) Still saving for surgery.
July 1, 2007 - Husband changes jobs, switch to my insurance with company I joined last year. (285 lbs. OMG - my highest ever! What the heck?!? I've gained 30 lbs. in 6 months?? I weigh more now than at my highest when pregnant. It's time to do something now.)
July 23, 2007 - Finally occurs to me to see if the insurance with my new company might cover it, and they do. WOOHOO! :::kicking myself for not checking last year when I joined the company and stayed on my husbands ins. instead:::
July 25, 2007 - Appt. with PCP for checkup and tests to gather information for medical necessity letter. Also start gathering data from OB/GYN for 5 yr weight medical history. (One good thing about being pregant in every calendar year...lol).
July 26, 2007 - Seminar with Dr. Kim
July 30, 2007 - Followup with PCP on medical necessity letter. I got my test results from last week. WOW! I've been overweight for a long time, but has always been "healthy". I think it has finally caught up with me. My cholesterol and triglycerides were off the chart! And even my blood sugar was high. I've NEVER seen that, not even with the pregnancies. That really got my attention. I did some soul searching. I've been saying since my last failed dieting attempt that I can lose weight. I know how to do it, and I do it well, but I just have no energy to put into something that isn't going to last. I decided that if that's really how I feel (and it is) that it's time for me to do what I know how to do. I can lose the weight on my own until I can get approved and have the surgery done (hopefully soon), and then it won't be for nothing because the surgery can help me lose the rest and keep it off this time. I started the eating less and exercising today.
August 3, 2007 - Call from Dr. Kim's office - missing Psych Eval and Nutrional Consult required before they can submit to BCBS. Argh!...last thing on Friday. Now I've got to wait all weekend just to make appointments for the two things holding me back.
August 6, 2007 - [Day 1 pre-op Diet] I have been reading alot about what to expect pre-op, and I researched the pre-op diet and the reasons for it, shrinking your liver, etc. I've already decided to, and started, dieting. And I want to be in the best shape I can possibly be for easier surgery and recovery. So, even though I haven't been approved and don't have a surgery date yet. I decided to start the pre-op diet today...very low calorie, at least 60 g of protein, low carb and low fat. SO HUNGRY, but determined.
August 7, 2007 - Psych eval...wow, don't even know what to say here. Hope all goes well. I haven't heard back yet. Ok, so I decided to come back and update this again, to expand on the psych eval. I felt like a total bozo answering his questions. It started out great, simple questions, Name, DOB, parents, siblings. I thought, OK, this is easy. Then "what was your childhood like"? I couldn't figure out how to answer the question. There's really nothing spectacular about my childhood to tell. {thinking...Mom, Dad, me and my brother (we had already covered that), school (duh), friends (duh again)....average, middle class, small town, completely nondescript...OMG, I have to say SOMETHING, he has looked up from his paper and is staring at me now}. I finally came up with "average"...LOL After all that silence. But he wrote it down and moved on. Now I'm worried that he thinks I'm trying to hide something traumatic, and can't really focus on the next few questions. Anyway, I tried to forget looking like a moron, or worse, and made it through the rest of the interview. The tests were long but went by quickly. I think I was just thankful to be in a room by myself for awhile, where I didn't feel like I was under scrutiny. I left still feeling kind of uncomfortable. It probably doesn't help that I'm so hungry and going through carb withdrawals. [pre-op diet, Day 2] Still hungry, now headaches too. Tracking my food and exercise in FitDay. Down 7 lbs! (278 lb)
August 8, 2007 - [Day 3] Not very hungry, but still have the headaches.
August 9, 2007 - [Day 4] Still not hungry and headaches gone, now I'm just SOOO tired, no energy at all.
August 10, 2007 - Received in the mail the official checklist of missing insurance requirements from Dr. Kim's office - last thing on Friday, again! One more thing missing that I didn't know about before, insurance requires an H&P (history and physical) with Dr. Kim. Why didn't they just tell me this on the phone last Friday? I wouldn't have already scheduled it. Oh, well, I'll call Monday, and hopefully they can get me in soon. The psych eval was sent to the doctor today, so I assume that means I passed. Someone on one of the boards assured me that they would not have faxed a denail over, only a recommendation. [Day 5] Not hungry and no headaches, still no energy at all. Told my husband I have to go walk on the treadmill, to carry me if he has to, but make me go. He drove me to the gym tonight and walked with me. I walked slow at first, and I feel MUCH better now, just sleepy.
August 11, 2007 - [Day 6] Ok, I think I'm over the worst of it now. I'm feeling much better, not much hunger, no headaches, and more energy today. Wow, I feel like I've just finished detox, at least what I imagine it would be like.
August 13, 2007 - Called Dr. Kim's office and scheduled H&P for Friday. That's not too far off, but not as soon as I would have liked (nothing ever is). After one week on pre-op diet....down 10 more lbs!!!!! yeah, yeah, that's probably some water weight too, but I don't care. I've felt so bloated for so long now, I'm sure I could stand to lose some water weight too. I know I feel better either way. (268 lb)
August 14, 2007 - Nutrional consult with Leah McDaniel. She's just like everything I've heard about her...warm, friendly, non-judgemental, knowledable, etc, etc. I would recommend her highly. She was pleasantly surprised that I had voluntarily started the pre-op diet, and wanted to make sure that I understood it could be awhile before my surgery. I assured her that I did. She said I was doing the right things (yeah me!).
August 15, 2007 - Met with Dr. Adam Smith in Fort Worth. I've been going back and forth on which surgery to have. I was originally convinced that lap-band was the only option I'd even consider. I have 5 kids and a husband who need me. I thought the RNY was too much risk. As I've researched more and more, I think the fear of gastric bypass was mostly fear based on my ignorance of it. It just "seemed scary". I don't want to make a life-long decision based on fear, lack of information, or short term consequences. I started thinking about this...if the Dr told me I needed a heart bypass, I probably wouldn't think 'oh no, I don't know if I want you moving all my parts around inside'. I know the two surgeries aren't the same thing at all, but the gastric bypass doesn't seem so scary when I compare the two. So now I'm leaning towards gastric bypass as being the best tool for me personally, given my personality, lifestyle, etc, and the pros and cons of each. My doctor is Dr. Kim, but I wanted more information from Dr. Smith on why he's such a big supporter of lap-band and why he chose that personally. Dr. Smith had a lot of positive to say about the lap-band, and doesn't thing the gastric bypass is worth the risk when the lap-band can be as effective. He didn't really say anything I hadn't heard before. I'm probably going to try to have the gastric bypass, but I won't decide anything until after I meet with Dr. Kim on Friday.
August 16, 2007 - Dr. Kim's office has received the psych eval (she said it looks great!...whew), and a letter from my PCP recommending the surgery. Now I just need the report back from the nutrionist consult (should be today) and the H&P with Dr. Kim tomorrow. It's feeling closer! :-)
August 17, 2007 - Met with Dr. Kim today. He is awesome! He loves what I'm doing with the pre-op diet and thinks I've got a great attitude...yea me!! He really praised me for starting habits before the surgery to help make the transition afterwards smoother (diet, exercise, vits, protein, water, etc). I can assure you I don't get compliments on my attitude very often!! LOL I think I'm just VERY ready for this, and have been able to get into the right frame of mind. With God's timing, my mental readiness coincides with my financial and medical readiness. God answers prayers in His time, and it's SO wonderful when it falls into place according to His plan. After talking with Dr. Kim, I've settled on gastric bypass surgery. At one point I thought I would never have any WLS surgery, and then, even recently, I thought I would only consider the lap band. With 5 kids who need me, I just was not willing to take on more risk than that. Then after finding out my new insurance covers the surgery, I started doing more research. After much prayer and soul searching, I realized that my original narrow focus was based on irrational fear, ignorance, and short-term consequences...which made no sense to me for a decision lasts a lifetime. I have made a final decision for an RNY. I still have a healthy fear of the surgery, and I like finding out about all the horror stories. I want to know exactly what I could be facing. I'm one of those people who thinks the rules don't really apply to me, those are just meant for other people as guidelines. Well, I've got NO delusions about these rules. I know what can happen if I don't follow them, and am way too scared to try to break them.
August 18, 2007 - Went to my first support group meeting. I was VERY apprehensive about going to a support group meeting, and even about posting on the boards and getting to know people. I'm very confident with people I know, and doing things I know how to do, but I'm painfully shy around new groups of people, eventhough I try to hide it well (never let 'em see you sweat). As, I've said before, I know it's just my own insecurities and being extremely self-conscience about my weight. I also know that building a support network is a step I must take as I head into surgery. With no family or close friends nearby, I'm going to need all the support I can get. It's been difficult posting on the boards since I don't know anyone, and never know what to say. I thought going to a support group meeting might make it easier to connect, after meeting some people face to face. So I was determined to go with my logical desicion, and not let my fears get in the way of my success. I dreaded it, but walked into the Saturday morning breakfast by myself. I am SO glad I did. I can honestly say that every single person in the room went out of their way to make me feel welcome and part of the group. Not in that superficial way, where everyone says they're glad you came, but then they go right back to talking to their clique. Everyone took time to talk to me one on one, were genuinely interested in hearing about me and getting to know me, and shared so candidly from their own experiences. Not once did I have that awful feeling of being alone, invisible, and rejected in a room full of people. I could not have had a better first support group experience. So GET TO A SUPPORT GROUP MEETING everyone! And thanks again to everyone who was there!! I feel so honored and blessed to have met you all!
August 19, 2007 - My dad and his wife have been in town this weekend. I was really struggling with who to tell about the surgery, and what to tell them. But I have to at least tell my parents. So I told my dad and his new wife when they were in town this weekend. He's supportive, just as I knew he would be...and even his initial reaction was semi-positive. He went on talking for awhile about someone he knew who is really happy with their WLS. I was relieved that it took the focus off me at first, and when he got back to my decision he only had positive things to say, and of course lots of questions...mostly logistics, nothing judgmental. With that successfully behind me, I decided to go ahead and tell my brother and his wife too. The only hint (and it was barely a hint) on criticism he had was one question. "Well, let me just ask an obvious question..." :::wow, I was prepared for the worst here::: "...if you can lose so much weight so fast before you have the surgery, why do you need it?" :::To keep it off...duh...much easier question than I had feared::: Anyway, they were both also very supportive and interested. My sister-in-law actually seemed excited for me. I still haven't told my mom...that's a task for another day. I've decided to wait until the date is set, so she has less time to drive me crazy over it...with worry, questions, offering to "help", etc. And the co-workers...they are all in San Diego, and I work out of my home office here in Texas. I only see them 4 times a year. I've decided not to tell my coworkers anything about it. I'll just show up on my next quarterly trip out there and watch their reactions. The more I think about it, there probably won't be too many questions from them anyway. They are all young and very atheletic. I really doubt that any of them have ever had to deal with any weight loss issues, so I don't think they'll be too interested in how I lost the weight...mostly just surprised that I did. If they do ask, I'm just going to tell them that I eat a lot less and exercise regularly...the truth, but not the whole truth....I'm not on the witness stand.
8/20/2007 - We're interviewing for a new nanny since my brother and his wife (our current nanny) are moving. I actually told a couple of candidates about the WLS during the interviews. I figured they might as well know. If they work here, they'll see soon enough. Both consider themselves potential candidates for surgery as well. And I was surprised to find them very curious, excited for me, and not at all judgmental. I still don't think I'm ready to open up to people who don't have weight issues of their own. These are still the people who, in my head, are repulsed by how I look, even if they pretend they're not. I'm a smart woman, and I know that's not really what they think of me. That's one of the things I'm going to be working hardest at overcoming, besides the weight of course. Speaking of...the pounds are just melting off! 6 more lbs this week! WOOHOO! (262 lbs.)
8/27/2007 - Wow, a whole week has gone by...and not much going on. I'm really getting frustrated with it. I did get the nutritionist's report back today, finally!!! I'm just ready to submit to the insurance, and at least get to the next stage of waiting!!! The kiddos start back to school tomorrow, and my baby starts kindergarten :'( He's not my youngest, but he's still my baby. He's very ready, but I'm not. His little sisters are so independent, but not baby Jake (as we used to call him), everybody does everything for him cause he's such a sweetie! I try not the even think about having to drop him off at school the first day. Four more pounds this week! (258 lbs.)
8/28/2007 - OK, so I posted a little rant on my blog today. I said later that I take it all back, but I'm not taking it down. Maybe it will help someone see they're not alone in the frustration of waiting!
8/29/2007 - SUBMITTED TO INSURANCE....finally!!! WOOHOO!! It doesn't seem like much to be excited about, but at least I know we're done with everything that had to be put together for them to make a decision, and I'm one step closer to a YES :::keeping fingers crossed:::
8/30/2007 - Went to the podiatrist today. My heel has been hurting since I started walking on the treadmill again. I keep giving it a couple days rest, and then trying again, but when I get up the next morning I can hardly walk on it at all. She says I have heel spurs on the tops and bottoms of both heels, and plantar fasciitis, inflamation in the arch of my foot. For this week I'm taking a steroid, she taped the foot, and then I go back next week. I just hope it gets better soon. I'm way too busy to stay off of it, and really want to get back on the treadmill!!!
8/31/2007 - I'M APPROVED!!!! YES! YES! YES!...I'm doing a happy dance... WOW, that was fast. Approved in less than 48 hours! I cried when I got the phone call. It still doesn't hardly seem real. It's almost like when you dream about winning the lottery and how you'll spend the money, but this is REAL! Am I REALLY going to be a thin, healthy person??? Still just seems to good to be true! The closest way I can describe the feeling right now is like finding out I'm pregnant. All the fear, nervousness, excitement, and pure joy at the possibilities...all in one big jumble of emotions!! It was late today when I found out, so hopefully sometime early next week, after Labor Day, I'll find out when I'm scheduled.
9/1/2007 - Happy Birthday to me....I'm 37 today. I'm not aging gracefully, I'm trying to fight it every step of the way. I'm just not ready to be old yet! I'm really looking forward to my healthy new life, but I can't help feeling regret for wasting my 30's letting obesity and shame keep me from things I wanted to do, and people I wanted to see, and so much more!! Anyone reading this, if you think this surgery is right for you, please, please don't put this off one more day!!! I'm so glad I've made this decision. I'm putting my shame behind me, and my obesity soon too! My weight is what it is, and I'm doing everything I can do to fix it. I went to my second support group meeting today, and met a whole bunch of great people again. They said this was one of the biggest groups ever. It was really fun, but not quite as intimate as the last one. I guess you can't have it both ways. Either way, I'll definitely keep going back!
9/3/2007 - Happy Labor Day! 5 more pounds gone! (253 lbs.) Hoping to hear back on a surgery date early this week...is tomorrow too much to hope for? :-)
9/4/2007 - I HAVE A DATE!!! Wed, 9/26/2007 is my re-birthday!!! There were a couple phone calls, and a little confusion about whether I was scheduled for Wed. or Thurs., but we got that all worked out quickly, and it's official! Wed., Sept 26th!!! And my pre-op appt is in 2 days!!! WOW! I've got to rearrange my schedule, my husband's schedule, and my kids schedules this week now, but I don't care. I wouldn't miss this for anything!!
9/5/2007 - I finally told my mom about my surgery. I had said I was going to wait until it was scheduled, and then just call and give her the date, so that's what I did. I'm such a BOZO!! I had been so worried about telling her, and then when I did it was no surprise at all. I had completely forgotten talking to her about it after I went to my first seminar in 2004! Anyway, I worried about it for nothing. She was super excited for me, she said she knew how long I had been wanting this, how hard I've tried to lose weight in the past, and how happy she is for me that I'm going to be able to have the surgery finally! What a relief! I'm just feeling kinda stupid now for worrying about it so much. Oh well...
9/6/2007 - Pre-op appointment. For any of you wondering what goes on in a pre-op appointment, here it is... You register at the desk, answer a bunch of questions, and fill out some papers. About the time you think the pre-op might be pretty easy, they start asking you about a living will and medical power of attorney, and you're looking at forms asking you if you've thought about what you want if you end up in a vegetative state. Then when you're good and freaked out, it's time to take you back to an intake area so that you can sit on a hospital bed surrounded by all kinds of equipment that you NEVER want to be hooked up to and have your blood pressure checked, which by this point is sky high! The equipment is just for emotional effect, none of it is required for this visit, except for a painless EKG...no biggie at all. Then one at a time everyone from the anesthesiologist to the custodian comes by to describe to you in detail exactly how bad the surgery is going to be, how dangerous it is, and how bad you're going to feel afterwards. Ok, so is it really necessary to smack me in the face with how hard the surgery is going to be??? I already knew that, but was perfectly happy in my little state of denial. I don't want to think about the hospitalization, surgery, and recovery. It's gonna really suck!!! It's gonna hurt, and I'm going to be laying in the bed hooked up to IV's and God only knows what else (becuase I was't listening) the morning of the surgery right before they wheel me in, crying, "I can't do this...", "what am I doing...", "just take me home...". But I know once I get past it, that it won't seem so bad looking back and that it will all be worth it. I know this because this pretty much describes every time I've ever been in the hospital (all five kids and gallbladder removal)...and even most of my trips to the dentist. I know, I'm a pathetic, irrational mess. I completely understand that my behavior is bizarre, even while it's going on, but am helpless to control the panic attakcs! But, I also KNOW I'm doing the right thing by having this surgery. I'm really in a funk now, just dreading the surgery, and want it to all be over with. Oh there was also some class that afternoon. Thank goodness they gave me a book because I don't remember half of what she said. I was just so ready to get out of the hospital and come home!
9/7/2007 - Reading posts from other people who are scared of hospitals too just made me think about how insane it is for anyone to think this might be the easy way out. So many of us avoid doctors, hospitals, and medical procedures like the plague. I have absolutely no idea what I'm afraid of exactly, but it takes everything I can do to rationalize my way out of the panic attacks and fears that something is just very, very wrong. These usually take hold sometime around the IV or catheter or anything else the restricts free movement. So the early part of my hospital stays are generally filled with lots of tears, sleep (for distraction), and apologies to everyone for not being able to keep myself pulled together. And I fully expect my experience with WLS will be more of the same. So the idea that anyone (we all have fears) would "elect" to have a surgery that wasn't absolutely necessary is just insane. And not only do we seek out the surgery, we fight for the right to have it, and have insurance pay for it, and are EXCITED that we are able to have it!! I just think it's such a huge courageous step for all of us to face our biggest fears for what we KNOW we must do!
9/10/2007 - Back to the podiatrist today. The prednisone didn't help at all, apologies to my poor family for putting them through my worst PMS-like moods ever! That stuff makes you crazy! Anyway, the tape did help the first few days, which the doc says is a good thing. It means my problem is bio-mechanical, not nerve damage or anything. So I got a cortisone shot in my heel. I know I've complained alot about not liking doctors, etc, but I really do have a pretty high tolerance for pain. But this was the most painful experience I think I've ever had. Right up there, maybe even surpassing, childbirth! She told me it would hurt, but I've had lots of shots before, and they sting a little or whatever. I was not expecting anything like this. I literally curled up into a fetal position and screamed and cried while she was putting the injection in my heel. OMG!!! I hope I NEVER have to do that again. Yet another reason to get this weight off as soon as possible! I also got fitted for orthodics. She said between the two I should be walking with very little to no pain very soon. However, I've had some kind of reaction to the cortisone shot. It's a cortisone flare, and from what I've read happens to about 10% of people who get the shot. For now, instead of it feeling better, I can't put weight on it at all. It's supposed to go away within a few days. I hope so! I've got too much to do to get ready for the surgery. I'm nesting just like when I had the babies! (249 lbs.)
9/11/2007 - Happy anniversary to me and my husband, my perfect fit...the one God designed just for me! He's being so supportive through all of this, and seems genuinely proud of what I'm doing. It's such a blessing to have someone who understands me so well, and loves me anyway! He truly understands when, on this journey, I'm facing obstacles or character flaws that I haven't been able to overcome in the past, and he's so encouraging. It really means the world to have him recognize my baby steps and be there to cheer me on, or pick me up. Anyway, in honor of our special day, I just had to share. Now, back to my foot, since that's about the only other thing on my mind today. It feels worse than ever. I'm taking vicodin, and it's not helping the pain. It even hurts just laying in bed. My husband went and got me some crutches earlier so that I can get ready to go and make it to open house at my son's school. This is really miserable. Hopefully, the flare will subside and it will feel better soon.
9/12/2007 - Dr. Kim's gastric bypass support group meeting was tonight. It was pretty good. I didn't care for the lecture part too much, but it was fun getting to meet a couple more people that I've seen on the board before. And the foot is finally starting to improve a little. Still worse than before I got the cortisone shot, but much better than yesterday. I went to the support group meeting without the crutches, just limping pretty bad, walking on the outside edge of my foot. I still can't put weight flat on my heel. I started cleaning out my closet today too, and getting things arranged by size as someone had suggested. It's supposed to make it easier as I drop through the sizes quickly! (still seems hard to believe) Anyway, I've got an obscene amout of clothing in there. Always on the eternal search for an outfit that didn't make me look too fat. Impossible! As I was organizing it, I realized that most of it I'll never wear again, even if I can. I think I'm going to go ahead and get rid of most of it. Any takers PM me!! The smallest size in my closet is a 20, and there aren't many of those. I haven't been below a 22 in over seven years, I'm back down to a 24 already and haven't even had the surgery yet! So hopefully the whole mess will be outta here soon! WOOHOO new clothes!!! LOL Just what my husband DIDN'T want to hear!
