Lori W.
This is actually something I wrote as an assignment for one of my english classes in school. The assignment was to write an article that could be published in a magazine. So I decided to write my story. When I wrote this a few years ago I had not even considered wls as an option I am so happy I have done so know and am looking forward to becoming the incredible shrinking Lori.
No I'm Not the Ugly Duckling
By Lori Wilson
I have always wondered how many teenage girls feel like I felt at their age. I always felt like an out cast, an ugly duckling so to say. I even felt like an outsider in my own family. I was the only member of my family who was over weight and not into the whole sports scene. I was also the middle child so I often felt ignored.
Although I had many friends, mostly male, in high school, I never dated. This further added to my belief that I was just ugly and unwanted. My family always used to and even still today joked about me being the black sheep of the family. Even though I laughed along at my family's little jokes about my weight and the fact that I was the odd one in the family, I don't think they ever really knew how much they were hurting me. I used to go into my room and hide my tears from them or keep it all bottled up until I just couldn't take it any more. Then I would usually end up taking my anger out on either my older sister or my brother and his friends, and I knew that wasn't the answer. Growing up in a small town, I didn't have anyone I could go talk to, and the school counselor was a jerk, so I refused to talk to him.
I got my answer to my handling my anger in my junior year in high school. I had an English teacher who had his class start writing in journals. We had to write for the first 10 minutes of class. We could write about anything we wanted. This became my medium for all my hurt and anger. The only thing I hated about having to write in them was that at the end of the week he collected them and would read our thoughts. I didn't like that, but by doing this, he was able to tell us where we needed to improve in our writing skills. Even after I finished his class, I continued writing, that is, until my brother and his friends found my journals one day and began reading them and making even more fun of me. My brother more so than his friends. Well, that made me climb right back into my little shell and hide again. I even stopped writing.
I didn't let the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend or a date stop me from going to my Junior or Senior Prom, and I was even surprised when I was voted Prom Queen by my brother's Junior class. At that point in my life it was a much needed boost to my fragile ego. This was the kick start I needed to show me people didn't just see me as the outsider in my family or even as the fat girl in school.
It was several years later when I met my son's birth father that I realized that there are people other than my family who could love me. My son's father and I started dating, and after dating for almost a year, we decided to have a child. It was during this time that I noticed changes in him towards me. He became possessive and tried keeping me away from my family and friends and doing whatever he could to make me feel unappealing to others. In other words mentally abusing me and unknowingly bringing up all of my old pain and heartache from my childhood. I knew after my son was born I couldn't do this to my child; I had to get out. I got my out the day I caught him with another woman on my couch when I came home from work. I told them both to get out and ended that relationship.
Almost a year later I met the man that would become my ex-husband. He said all the right things. He showed me that I was a beautiful person on the inside as well as the outside. We got married in August of 2003; less than a month after getting married, we packed up and moved to Oklahoma. Once again I had a man that was separating me from my family and friends. It wasn't long after we got to Oklahoma that things started changing; he became distant even though he was telling me everything was fine. Then one Friday night in December, he told me it was over. He had decided he didn't want to be married. He put my son and me on a bus and sent us back to Wyoming with only the clothes we could pack into three suitcases. In March of 2004 I was a divorced woman and felt like a failure because I had not been able to make my marriage work. I just knew there was something wrong with me. I felt this even more when I learned from his family that a month later he remarried. Why would two men find other women more appealing than me?
It has taken me a lot of soul searching and learning to love myself and the help of great friends and my oldest sister to see that I am a wonderful person, and anyone would be lucky to know me. In fact to quote my best friend in Wyoming, she said, "You are a wonderful, beautiful person on the inside and out, and anyone who gets the chance to be allowed into your heart should feel honored. You have a great sense of humor and a winning smile. You have made my world special just by being in it." Those words brought tears to my eyes because she saw into my heart. She looked beyond the outside package to the person within.
I have finally been able to see the person within, also, and she is not a swan yet, but she is well on her way. I hope that if one girl reads this and comes away with a feeling of "Hey I feel like that," and if she can change her way of thinking and see that she, too, will someday be able to say, "I am not the ugly duckling either," I have accomplished something. I still have bad days- -don't get me wrong-- but on those days, I try to remember what my friend told me. I also try to remember that "This is me and if you don't like me, tough I like me."
