MariaRN
8/17/07: Surgery Day
8/30/07: 13 days post-op (1st weigh in): -20 lbs!!!
9/24/07: 5 weeks post-op (2nd weigh in): -13.5 lbs!!!!!
11/15/07: 3 months post-op (3rd weigh in): -22 lbs!!!!!
12/17/07: 4 months post-op (4th weigh in): -13 lbs!!!!!!
01/16/08: 5 months post-op (5th weigh in): -12 lbs!!!!!!
08/17/08: 1 YEAR -111 lbs Total Lost
08/17/09: 2 YEAR -120 lbs and holding!
August 17,2007...My New BIRTHDAY:
Surgery day started at 5:30am. I was so nervous that I was vomiting all morning. I guess I was still wondering if I could have tried harder, exercised more, ate less, starved myself....What else could I have done. Why did it have to get to this point? My Mom took me to Saint Raphaels Hospital.
Yesterday I was already there and had a procedure done...an IVC Filter placed to prevent clots from entering my lungs and heart. I have a genetic clotting disorder. The sedation from yesterday made me feel ill all night. So, my last night prior to surgery wasn't very good.
As I waited to be taken to surgery...I was feeling really optimistic and really felt like I made a good decision. The first thing that I had done when I got my hospital room after surgery was taking a walk around the nurses station. I wanted to start this off right. I have to say, I did not expect the pain that I felt. I have never had surgery before and did not realize how it would feel. I always tell my patients to be sure to ask for pain medication as soon as they feel the pain coming on...I should have followed my own advice. Getting in and out of bed was the hardest. Peeing was an issue too. Because of the Morphine...I had some retention. Other than the pain..this was a fairly easy surgery day. Saturday 8/18/07 I went for the Barium Swallow...the results were great which meant that I could go home to my own bed. I got home about 4pm. The pain was majorly out of control. I have a steep driveway and quite a few steps...I started to cry as my Mom walked with me. I said....why did I do this? This is crazy..I did this to myself! I now know that was just pain talking. I am very lucky and blessed to have my family here. My parents were heare and my brother and sister got everything together. They helped organize my house to accomodate me and my new lifestyle.
Sunday 8/19/07: I felt good when I got up in the morning...so I thought I would vacuum. The cats leave too much hair around and just looking at it was driving me crazy. That wasn't too bright. Again...I am a nurse you think I would know better...LOL. And the pain begins...lol. I have to say that I will be a better nurse when I return to work. I can now relate much better to my surgical patients.
I really wish that I had kept a day by day diary of my thoughts and experiences. But I am starting now...a week later.
Sunday 9/2/07 (Pureed Stage): After eating this afternoon I experienced horrible pain in the chest and arm. I felt as if I was going to vomit but I couldn't. It felt like something was stuck in my throat. I made myself vomit to feel better and get out what was there. I think I ate the eggs too quickly. I tried some chicken tonight that my Mom had finely chopped. As long as I ate it very slowly (over 1 hour) I was ok. I am only nervous because I know that I am not getting enough protein and I don't want to have further problems.
Sunday 9/16/07 (Soft Stage): Wow, I haven't written in a long while. The last few weeks have been slowly getting better. Believe it or not, I am still having pain from my left side. Especially when I bend over to clean the litter box or I am in the shower. The Doc said that it was the area where he had done most of the manipulation. I did not advance my diet this week because I kinda feel as if I skipped the pureed stage (I can't do baby food consistency!!). I ate ricotta, cottage cheese, finely chopped chicken, SF/FF pudding with SF Cool Whip. So, I have been sticking to the same types of foods. Still a struggle to get all my protein in and all my fluids. Not sure about the fluids as to why I am struggling. I think that I am starting to get dehydrated. I am tired, lethargic at times, freezing, lightheaded at times...and yup...not enough fluids...not to mention that I only pee 3 times a day now! So today I start again and try to force them in. I am allowed 3-6 meals/day...but I have only been having 3-4/day. I am being told by family to increase the food to 6 times but I am afraid. I really am trying to follow this and do the right thing.
I noticed yesterday that my pants were falling off me...how flipping cool is that?? This could be promising...I might actually be losing weight. I guess my brain is thinking that I am not losing weight because of all the failed attempts before. Maybe I am thinking of this as a failed attempt again. But this was surgery and I am doing the right thing. It can't be a failed attempt!! That 'lil brain can really mess with your head sometimes. I am thinking that I am going to my appointment and Debbie is going to tell me that I gained weight....but darn it!! How could I realistically think like that??? I am barely eating, my body is still in Ketosis, I can not be gaining weight?!!
While I have been very diligent about following the program...I can not tell a lie....I was at my sister-n-laws baby shower and I had an eighth of a teaspoon of cheesecake!! That wasn't bad I hope...lol. Thinking back to before, I would have had that whole piece, a piece of cake and cookies as well.....not to mention all the food before the desserts!!! LMAO These are the ramblings of a crazy lady!! I am feeling that this is very therapeutic right now. My logical side is kicking in as I listen to myself blab!!!
Thursday 9/20/07: I have been very anxious lately. Not really sure why. Feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Things are going really well. I know that I was dehydrated last week. Had a headache for 4 days, low urine output, very tired and lethargic. I tried to push the fluids. I am so looking forward to getting weighed in again on 9/24. I have some high expectations!! I usually get let down when my expectations are too high though. I usually don't allow myself to have those thoughts. But I am. I went from a 26/28 pant to a 22/24 pant. The 18/20 were snug and so I didn't get them. My scrub pants are way too big!! I tried 2 sizes smaller (2x) and they are a bit too tight to work in. But the 3x are too big as well. I am seeing an improvement and this makes it all worth it!! I really don't miss the food. The only thing I have been missing is Ice Cream!! lol. But seeing my progress has made me not miss the food!! I still have 2 weeks before I go back to work. I am slipping on the exercise!! I need to be more motivated to walk!!! Not sure how to get there.
Sunday 9/23/07: Tomorrow is the day that I get weighed in!!!! This will be my 2nd weigh in after the surgery---5 weeks post-op. I have such big hopes. My biggest issue at the moment is that I haven't had a BM since Tuesday
. That is really becoming annoying!!!...lol. My friend came by today to see me. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. He was like wow...next time I see you ...you aren't going to be there. I decided not to tell him about the surgery. He knew I had surgery but not WLS. I am not sure why I didn't tell him because we talk about everything. I think I am ashamed. 
I would like to hear 20 lbs lost since my last weigh in....but maybe not. If I had done some walking maybe I might. I feel as if I have wasted so much good precious time and not exercised. I did buy a treadmill on HSN.com. I am still waiting for delivery. That is and always has been my biggest nemesis...exercise 
!! I'm liking these smiley faces tonight...lol. I go back to work in 11 days and I am not looking forward to it at all. I have a lot of reservations about my job. I thought that I might look for a new job while I was out...but I decided that I would stay and see how it works out. But now as I get closer to going back...I really am not happy and my anxiety level is sky rocketing!! There is a song that I have been listening to for a while but has taken on such a bigger meaning for me now. "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood. I feel as if I want to leave my crazy life behind and let myself be led on the right track. I am thinking that is what I am doing with my job as well right now.
Friday 10/5/07: It's been almost 2 weeks since I have written. I just went back to work last night 10/4/07. It was my 1st night back after surgery. I was so miserable and have been contemplating quitting and finding another job. After all, I could go to another hospital and get a sign on bonus and start over. But I do have a lot invested where I am. I have been there 6 and a half years. I get 3 weeks vacation and 2 different types of bonuses for working overnight. For the most part, I like the people that I work with. After my surgery, on the night of my surgery, 4 Nurses that I work with came to see me and 1 of them came back again the next morning. I made a choice after that to stick it out and stay. And last night after my miserableness....when I got to my floor, I received an amazing warm and loving welcome back. Everyone was so happy to see me!!!! It really was my "great moment of the day". One of the nurses said to me that I seem so calm and relaxed and happy. Yeah, I guess I am getting happier. It's amazing what some wieght loss will do for your emotions. I know that I was completely miserable before the surgery and probably not exactly the fun gem to be working with. I always found myself complaining. I guess maybe that was my unhappiness evoking from my body. On 9/24/07 I went to Dr. Valins office for my 2nd follow up visit and 2nd weigh in. It was 5 weeks post-op. I was desperately hoping for another 20 lbs....probably unrealistically. I guess I knew that I was being unrealistic because, when I got on the scale and it said that I lost another 13 almost 14 lbs I was so enthused!!! To reach 34 lbs in 5 weeks I really thought that was amazing. My happiest moment of the day was when I saw Debbie and after she saw me she said...I am so happy that you did this and got the surgery!!! There are not that many things that I am sure of in this life but there is one that I can be sure of...I KNOW that I was ready mentally and emotionally for this surgery. I think I had reached my breaking point with food and the craziness that surrounded it. I honestly can say that I did not have a mourning moment after the surgery....and it has been 7 weeks post-op tonight. I had a momentary thought of crap...I am not going to be happy not being able to eat...why can some people eat what they want and I can't.....but that was before the surgery! I was speaking to my friend last night who works with someone who just had the surgery 4 weeks ago. And please, don't feel that I am judging her or anyone else. I guess I am being grateful and happy with my choices. She asked me what I was allowed to eat 7 weeks out...I told her the 2 ounces of food which I usually make 3 ounces....not good. And I always stick to the protein. She was mentioning that this girl ate 10 ounces of lasagna at one sitting and followed it up by a banana afterward. She also watched her eat a bag of potato chips the night before. I am so thankful to myself and God that I was ready and am trying, because that could be me! Thank you God and myself for the strength to stay away from the foods that consumed me before. No, I am not perfect and do probably eat more than what my doctor requires at this stage but my food choice are great and I am aware. I started my treadmill this week. I used it 3 days out of 7. I know I need to do more but that is a good start. I will get there and it is going to take a good attitude. Tonight I watched Oprah...I tape her everyday! She is one amazing woman! There was an author of a book called "Eat Pray Love". It really was inspiring and had some great ideas. I am trying to change my attitude both in my personal life and in my job. I WANT to be happier. She had 3 things that you want to do everyday to begin a road to a new you. The 1st was to "Refine your montra". Something that you hear yourself saying to yourself everyday is your montra. So change it up a little bit and say it to yourself daily...live it. The 2nd was to keep a happiest moment of the day journal. My happiest moment of yesterday was my amazing welcome and the love that I felt at work last night. She said to think about it and note it and live it. The 3rd was to wake up in the morning everyday and ask yourself..."What do I really really really want?" And not just an answer of I want to be happy. That was what I thought of first.....I am so deep!!...lol. I was thinking that I really do want to make changes in my life to become that person that I am truly proud of and content with. Someone who doesn't complain on a daily basis and is relaxed and calm and serene. I have felt that over the past 7 weeks of being home and spending a lot of time with myself and laying in the sun on my deck...that I have become more relaxed and calm. I guess tonight I am rambling on but it's been so long since I have written and I really really really (lol) wanted to keep a detailed version of a post-op journal. Maybe someone one day may read this after I have reached my goal and I will become their inspiration....or maybe I will be the only one who reads it and looks back on these times as a reminder of where I came from and where I don't want to go back to. One last thing that I noted last night was that I was more comfortable with seeing my patients and giving them care. I was more aware of their feelings...thanks to my experience. We are what we experience!!!!
Saturday 10/20/07: Today is not such a good day...in fact it is an awful day. I had to rush my cat Smudge to the vet because of his breathing at 5pm. He was just laying there lethargic and making funny noises as he was breathing. At this point right now they think that he has cancer in his lungs or a fungus...both do not have good outcomes. How could this happen that he was ok until today? Just not good at all. My 2 other babies are sleeping on my bed right now and their brother is not home sleeping with them...it's just not right. They are going to miss him so much they are going to be heartbroken and looking for him all the time. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...not what I really want to say right now.
As far as the rest of my life right now, I did go back to work a few weeks ago. It has been going well. I have been staying away from lifting and pulling patients. I am still nervous about how I may feel. I have to say that I was right. Tonight I was crying so hard and had to lift my cat (that's not an easy task at 22lbs....lol) and rush him to the vet. I guess I was crying so hard that I feel as if I pulled all the muscles in my stomach. A lot of pain tonight. I am just glad that I haven't been pulling and lifting at work. It was smart to stay away from doing that right now.
I weighed myself at work on 10/17/07 which was 2 months post op. I weighed in at 45 lbs lighter!!!! I think that is pretty damn great and amazing. Do you know how long it would've taken before to do this...that's good cause I don't...cause I don't think I did in a very long time....lol.
Friday 10/26/07: I thought I might add a little to my blog tonight because I am feeling anxious. It has been a really bad week from so many different aspects. I had to put my baby boy Smudger to sleep on Sunday 10/21/07. It was a truly unexpected event...he was only 8 years old. That kicked the week off. I then had called out of work because at the last minute I received a phone call from the Vet to get there quickly and make some decisions. That escalated and issue with my job. I can't even begin to go into that at all. So...needless to say...since Sunday....my old bad habits kicked up...and I didn't refuse them....well partially. What do I do when I am sad, depressed, lonely...I eat. I did not follow my daily meals specs at all for a few days. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. The only good thing was that I really stuck to only the protein. So, I guess it wasn't that bad. But still...I disappointed myself so much. Last night I ordered chilli from the mexican rest and ate the whole container of sour cream. This is truly the first time since surgery that I did not stick to the appropriate daily portions. I guess it was a good thing that I did not eat a container of ice cream....I mean...how easily would that have gone down??? VERY. But I did not. But what scared me was the fact that this horrible moment in my life took place and I did revert back to some bad habits...such as food for comfort.
So I guess I don't have to be so hard on myself...the food choices were not bad. But still...I guess it was a true reality check that I could possibly revert back to those bad habits...this is a lifetime choice to make right decisions. Food is for nourishment and not comfort!!!! UGHHHHHHH. I am definetely depressed and so anxious. I am actually thinking about calling my psychotherapist at the surgeons office to see if I can get something for anxiety. He did mention, when I first met with him, that he could get me something to take the edge off. I want to crawl out of my skin tonight...I don't know what to do with myself.
I did get a wonderful email from my sister-n-law this week. I have known her for about 23 years and I have always considered her to be the sister that I never had. She is one amazing woman. This is the email...I have to share it because talk about support! This oozes it!!! And helps me to keep going everyday:
Hi,"Hey" is for horses....all that education....Congratulations! your weight loss is impressive! but of course, the most important part of all of this is YOU and how you are feeling. Thanks, for the valuable information for my friend I really think she is going to go for it! You are such an inspiration! Dr. Valin is going to have to make a Maria inspired section in his files! Maybe, you can do something career wise with your new found experience. I think when people talk and hear from real people like yourself it really helps! HEEEEYYYYY maybe you can go back to school and become an RN, psychologist for nutrition or something impressive like that! Sandy.
How cool is that! I have kept reading this over and over ...looking for the strength. I need to remember the good things and good people in my life. It is so easy to just get caught up in the feel sorry for me mode. God has truly blessed me.....the only thing I can't seem to get in check is my love life!!!!!!!!!! So God.....where the heck are yah?????? lolol.
So....for all those people out there that think that weight loss surgery is the easy way out.............NO WAY. It is still a daily struggle to stay on track...it is for the rest of our lives. We still have to do the work to see the results...and as my Sis has told me in the past...this is just a "kick start"...to get me going!!!! So what's the focus this week??
I need to focus on anxiety control, food portion control and getting in that walking!!!!!!!
By the way....what a truly great idea...to go into some type of nursing that focuses on the Morbidly Obese population or WLS!!!! Something to ponder..................
Friday 11/2/07: It's been a really long week. I can't even begin to go into the lousy week that is was. But it has gotton better. Can I ask.... when people will stop judging other people by how they look? I can say that I am so glad I had this surgery...and may I never forget where I came from!! I don't understand how one can be attracted to a persons personality but, not physically attracted because there is some extra weight. It is so hurtful. I know when I love someone...it is the flaws that I love as well. It's so tough being overweight in this world. It is never something that is discussed too often...we hear alot about discrimination of race...but never too much about obesity. I was feeling so awesome about myself losing 45lbs...and really starting to regain my self esteem....and now all I feel is fat again. I know I have more to lose...but I don't know what to say. It is so frustrating.
I went to Lane Bryant today. I am hesitate to buy clothing..especially pants...unless they are stretch. But I had to try the jeans on. I was wearing a size 28 jean before surgery.....today I put on a 22 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't want to spend the money for them so I didn't get them....but it felt so good!!! The smallest I remember being was a size 16-18 pant and XL shirt....that was until 7 years ago. I am still waiting for this to fail...for me to gain weight...for me not to see any more progress. It is so scary. God my head is messing with me.
As for my anxiety...I was going to call the psychotherapist today...but I didn't. I think I really need to get something for all of this uncontrollable anxiety. Mind you...I did have issues with anxiety prior to surgery. I have felt lately that it is taking over sometimes. I should be more happier I think....and at times I am. But I am still very much an introvert. Sometimes too much. I wish we had more support groups...maybe kinda like AA meetings...they have those on a daily basis...where people can meet people and become friendly. I would love to look forward to that on a weekly basis. It really is so helpful to be around people who understand what you are going through. My girlfriend is overweight weight as well. But I feel at times she is not supportive enough of my success...I don't mean that in a bad way...it's just that I would love to hear the "great job...you are looking wonderful"...every once in a while...I don't think that she has said that once. She was going to do the surgery as well...but has been trying to get pregnant. So that is on the back burner right now. I wish she were a little more happier for me. I know that it is difficult to watch a friend lose weight...let's face it...we all feel that way. Why isn't it me is what we think. But still. And is is difficult for me to know that she is trying to get pregnant because I want that so badly. Especially at 37...I know my clock is ticking and I know due to a clotting disorder...I will have some issues. But I was and still am happy for her. I am so very afraid that I will never have my own child. I would be so willing to adopt....but being single....I can't imagine they would even consider me.
So, Yesterday 11/1/07...I adopted two new babies. After my cat Smudge passed...I knew that the little boy I saw at the hospital was suppossed to be with me. So I adopted him. When I got there last night....they mentioned that he had a sister that was left as a stray as well. So....I took her too!!! She is 9 years old....she is named Smokey....but I don't think that fits her. But I can't think of any other name right now except...baby girl. Nick is 5 years old. He is so adorable. At least I am able to give a good home and a lot of love to a few cats that need it. There were kittens there that were so adorable....but everyone wants to adopt kittens....noone seems to want the older cats....so I needed to give them my love. Yes...some people might say I am so strange ....lol. But I love them so much...they are my kids right now.
I still am having Poop issues...I go every 5 days. I am still not getting enough fluids. And within the last week, I have been vomiting
a lot. The fluids are my fault....and I can't take my Colace because I am still not supposed to swallow pills yet. As far as the vomiting...I am not sure. Sometimes, I do eat too quickly....but not all the time. Maybe it's the anxiety. Not sure. But...I seem to have a little more energy everyday. God...I hope this all works...and it comes off!!!!! See....I am still doubting it!
So...anyone who may read this....NO, I still do NOT regret the surgery...in fact, I am happier everyday that I did it...for so many various reasons.
Friday 11/9/07: I love looking at those before and after pictures on this site. They are so inspirational!! Next thursday 11/15/07, I go to Dr. Valins for my 3 month weigh in and post-op check. I am so nervous...have I stopped losing???? I know...need to stop..lol.
Thursday 11/22/07: I went to Dr. Valins office for my 3 month post-op visit on 11/15/07. I lost another 11 lbs for a total of 55 lbs in 3 months!!! I know that I could have done much better if I was exercising more. But, here it is 1 week later and ask me if I started......no! Debbie did tell me that I am doing great and I am EXCEEDING in regards to the amount of weight I have taken off!!! I now can take whole pills, which means I can take my Colace!!!! She also said that I can start with salads. I really haven't given that much thought because my main focus is still protein. Goal: Walking!
Saturday 12/29/07: Exactly 4 months post-op: Lost 13 lbs this month!!! I thought for sure that I had gained weight. I didn't feel as if I had lost anything!!! Truly. Total to date: 4 months post-op is 68 lbs!!! But my God, I feel as if I still have so much more to go!! Why is that. I have also been feeling very depressed lately. I think it might be because of the holidays. OK, still no exercising! I don't know what the mental block is! I need to sit here when I have more time and jot down my feelings.
Wednesday 1/16/08: Wow, it's been over 2 weeks since I have written. It's been kinda crazy at work. Today I went to see Dr. Valin....I lost 80 lbs!!!!!!!!!! 5 months post-op....80 lbs!!!!! I am so very pleased with the progress. Still, NO regrets! I lost 12 lbs this month. I know I can do so much better if I were exercising more....did I say that before??? YES!
1/22/08: I am trying to think how awesome it would be to go back to my next appointment at 6 months out and have lost 100lbs!!! WOW. I started my NEW LIFE last night for good. Many of lifes choices and decisions can actually be great ones. And I have to say that I think that this one is great. No fairytales for the future right now, I just know how I feel in the moment and up until now. xoxo
Wednesday 5/14/08: Alot can change in such a short period of time. I have not updated this journal in 4 months. I have not been to the doctors either. I was faithfully going monthly for weigh ins, that was my way of keeping myself in check. I am making an appointment for next week. Life has brought me in so many different directions, no where near where I thought I would be right now. Last time I left off, I was going through a life change in my personal life. The person that I was seeing since November and I were still seeing each other until February. It was getting somewhat more serious for me than it was for him....or at least as far as he was willing to admit. My Ex and I were really through, I made that decision and he was not quite accepting of that. I decided to continue to date other people, even though I had strong feelings for this particular person. I wasn't sure where it was going and notreally 100% sure of my feelings. So, I met a guy that I was talking to on MySpace since last September. We would just flirt and chat for a bit when we happenned to catch each other online. One day I gave him my number, not sure why....lol. And he called....we were on the phone for about 4 hours or so. Wow, we really seemded to hit it off. We set up a date to meet in a Restaurant/Bar that week. I honestly did not give it much thought, I kinda just figured nothing was going to come of it, even though we really did seem to "click". February 21st at 9:30pm changed my life... forever. I met my soulmate, the man of my dreams. My true love!!
Saturday July 26, 2008: It's been so long again. But, I am trying not to forget. I went to the Savin Rock Festival tonight. I heard something that I do not think I have EVER heard in my life. Now mind you, I do realize that I am far from the ideal body weight right now, but I am down 110lbs. Someone I did not know complimented my shirt, said she liked it but couldn't wear it, it LOOKED GOOD ON ME BECAUSE I WAS SKINNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF??????? OMG!!!!! I would say this is a milestone to make sure I document!!!! It has been a very long road, next month will be 1 year already. I cannot believe that 1 year has past since I changed my life and lifestyle. I still have more to go, and it is coming off much slower because of my poorer choices of food. I have had pizza etc, but the difference is that now I eat a small slice and I am full. Eat a burger, but 1 quarter of it. But I was much more strict before, I would like to get back to that again. I have not been to the doctor in quite a few months and have not been weighed in quite some time either. I will update very soon!
