Life 15 years post op roux n y

Feb 06, 2018

Having the surgery saved my life. I got down to 465lbs post op then gained weight back. Pretty close to hitting 600lbs. And I got scared. I remembered how I struggled pre op. My health was so bad. I was dying. Sometimes, I hoped I would just die in my sleep.

Life sure has been an adjustment. More difficult it seems with the complications, the loneliness, feeling like I'm treated like I don't exist, feeling angry, feeling like I can't breathe, feeling hopeless, wanting to be loved, feeling like I can't because I'm morbidly obese ( and who would be crazy enough to love someone like me) and don't deserve to be here, to be happy, to exist and to be loved. I'm 44 this year. Dying inside everyday. I wish I had a drug addiction. I wish I had the guts to kill myself (the right way). So stupid I can't even do that right.

Even if there was a chance at love, who would want me? I've only let myself be used. Thinking ... Telling myself that I have to know if I could be loved? I don't know if I'd recognize real love if it walked up and slapped me in the face. Or if I'd believe if someone said I love you! 

Never was comfortable with "I love you." felt it was too easy to say and not everybody meant it.

So complications still dealing with post op are challenges of right foot drop, peripheral neuropathy, iron deficiency anemia, vitamin d deficiency, two large hernias that make me look pregnant ????, dehydration, dizziness/syncope and lately cellulitis on right leg and arthritis on left hip and kknee. Living in constant pain. Oh and I have trichotilimania, depression and ptsd. All the way around fucked up!


Lent, Spring - New Reasons For New Beginnings

Mar 20, 2009

I don't go to church much. I was raised Catholic, but during my parents seperation we often attended Assembly of God. I really became knowledgeable in learning about religion in school but I don't think I truly understood. Religion became tough for me to believe when I was 12 years old and my best friend died in a car accident on her way home with her family after a weekend vacation. Both her and her Mom passed away that same day. She died on impact and her mom died enroute to the hospital. Her baby sister then 8 lost both her legs from the knees down and was paralyzed. Her father had some broken bones and a punctured lung. At that time she passed I just couldn't understand why, how God could allow her and her Mom to die like that.  My parents were so caught up in their own problems, fighting alot, going through a seperation for the last 3 years so neither one really was available to help me deal with my grief. I had already been skipping school because it wasn't getting easy for me to go to school everyday. Not to mention I attended a Catholic School. I would get on my bike as if I was going to school and as soon as my Mom passed me to go to work I'd turn around and come home. The day of my friend's funeral I was unable to attend because my Mom had to work. She'd told me to go to school but I never did. Being in school was really hard for me to deal with.

When I'd get home I'd make chocolate cake from scratch. It was one of the things we learnt how to cook in Cooking classes several times a week that year. To make sure my Mom didn't know I skipped school and stayed home to make a cake I would spend the day eating cake till eventually it was all gone. Then I would clean up all evidence of me being at home all day. Not realizing that when she came home and opened the door when she took one whiff she could smell that I had made a cake. She'd always ask me and I'd always deny it. She caught on though. I only thought I was fooling her.

Okay so fast forward to present time I'm now 34. Church is still an issue for me. I do go occasionally though. The issue more these days is that I get sleepy and I don't really feel like I fit in there. It's like my Mom and stepdad's church. With all their friend's and people they know. I know some through events I go to with them but I don't know anyone very well. But as far as my personal relationship with God goes. I do believe in God. I know if it wasn't for him giving me a second chance and helping me make it through surgery, all those days in the hospital and skilled nursing facility before and after surgery, I may not be here today. I was telling my counsellor yesterday, because my mom said she worried about me doing something to myself when I get mad and go into my room, that before surgery, yes I tried several times to kill myself. I just felt like a waste of space, a burden on my family, I couldn't really see what the point was to my being here and most of all I just wanted to be at peace. And I thought the only way I could ever achieve that was through death. But on the day I had surgery I made a promise to God and to myself that if I came woke up from surgery to live another day that I would never try to take my life again no matter how bad I felt things got. There's always another option. One of those options is to reach out for help. That is why I am so greatful for OH. Those of you whom I have since met you are all blessings in my life and I am greatful to you.

Now for the Lent and New Beginnings Part - Ha Ha I bet you guys thought I was done ... sorry.

I didn't plan on doing the 5 day pouch test during Lent it just happened that way. But doing so reminded me of what my Mom said her Priest had told them at church. He said about doing something this Lent that is life changing. That it doesn't have to be just food you're not going to eat. My Mom joked that she's going to give up her brother this Lent. On Sunday March 8 I began the 5 day pouch diet test. 

There's the link in case anyone wants to try. Basically I ahd been doing a lot of reading around on the various message boards and groups trying to figure out since my pouch is still in good working order - how can I take advantage of it making the most of my surgery even though I am 6 yrs + post op. So I prepared to do the 5 day pouch test and I did it. Starting on Sunday and ended on Thursday. Since doing the test my eating has changed. I don't eat as much. I pay special attention to making sure I drink protein shakes. Take my Iron supplements and Multi vitamins like I am supposed and to drink water. All the foods I used to eat, snack, munch on - I don't anymore. I am drinking 4 - 5 protein shakes a day. Each drink has 20 grams of Protein in it. Some foods like Cheetos, french bread, soda, ice cream, coffee, tea, and sometimes candy like "m&m's" (my fav), those blended mochas, fast food, I haven't touched. If they're eating something like lasagne I'll eat something else like canned fish with cottage cheese and a few saltines. I don't know where this change in me is coming from but I like it. I think the difference is that I don't feel deprived from anything because I'm the one making the decision of what I eat or don't eat. And I hope it's only the beginning for a season to end my old habits and to kepp up with the new steps I have taken for new beginnings. In that sense it is never too late to get back on track of the losing side. I can't wait until I get weighed to keep you posted on how that's going and I can't wait to get over my flu so I can get back in the pool to do water aerobics.

I remember why I used to sneak food. It came from being afraid that if i don't get it while i can that I won't get the chance to another time. So there was always this urgency in me to sneak and gather food up for later when I'm by myself or as I told myself "For when I'm hungry later" but if I'm hungry later NOW I drink some water first. If 30 mins later I still feel hungry I'll make a Protein shake which is much better than anything from the above list to munch on.

I also had my first counsellor session. I asked my Mom to be around for the first meeting with him. Which probably was not the best idea because it was hard for me to talk freely because I didn't want her to think that what I'd say was an attack on her or my stepdad. That it's just what I think or how I'm feeling and the whole point of me talking to a counsellor is to get help with dealing with my feelings and emotions from both past and present.

Thanks for reading,



Still intact - it's up to me now to keep the fire burning

Feb 24, 2009

So it's tuesday - wait early Wednesday morning and I'm feeling awake now. My sleep is gonna be messed up till I get back on track with it. I had an appointment with my surgeon Monday at 9:30pm and before that I was scheduled for an Upper GI (surgeon told me it was the other thing with an "e" which I just conveniently forgot as I'm typing this *doh!*) at radiology at the University of Washington Medical Center.  The staff I encountered was very nice, and courteous. I didn't feel weird like sometimes I do around some people. It was really nice made the whole experience very smooth. All except for swallowing the barium LOL. So my pouch is still at it's normal size, still working how it's supposed to and there's no leaks anywhere. So that's the good news. It means I really need head help to make the changes I need to make. After that I had my appointment with my surgeon where I was weighed and vitals checked. For some reason I always expect when I go to my surgeons appointments to expect a massive weight gain. I guess because I am so used to gaining and maybe so it's if I lose a little or don't gain or lose any I don't feel so bad or disappointed in myself? Anyone else feel that way. Also I was just thinking "Geeze your 6 years + post op you should be at your goal weight and have this under control by now" but the truth is I don't. I feel unable to control myself. I want to be strong and in charge of my life, living it the way I want to and not letting my situation control me or live this way because I feel I have too. Like I have no other options. I guess that's why I am greatful for the OH family, friends, boards, groups and forums. I knew there was a OH support group meeting on Monday at 5:30pm, I was so tired when we got back from Seattle. I had woken up a little after 4am to get ready to go and was ready before 5:30am. We hit the road and arrived at UW Medical Center around 7:15am. After my appointments we took my cousin to the ER so they could check out her swollen leg. By the time we were done there it was late and I was tired all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. We also hadn't eaten anything all day because I had the Upper GI and then surgeons appointment. So on the way home I was a little bit cranky.  We stopped at Emerald City Smoothies and I got a protein shake. I admit I probably don't take in nearly enough protein - the right kind of protein that's right for my nutritional needs yet won't make me gain weight but help me to feel full and lose weight. Instead of coming home to sleep I had a few sips of my protein shake and attended the support group meeting. When I arrived I was late, but so glad to be there. I had been talking to a friend on here through the boards and finally got to meet Amy Monday night. Was so nice to meet you Amy! I look forward to going with you to some water aerobic activities at the Y soon. The meeting was very good also got to meet a lot of other nice people there. For the first time since I have had my surgery I feel like I actually have a support group now. I mean different from just typing from my side of the monitor. Face to face support. And it feels good.  When I got home from my meeting I was very tired from my long day out. It probably didn't help by not taking my oxygen with me to the meeting. I left it in the car. When I got home I had my protein drink and dinner. Dinner was good lots of green leafed vegetables (silver beet, some peppers, spinach) and roast beef. After dinner I got into an argument with my stepdad. I know I owe him an apology and maybe he owes me one too.

Right now - I'm just thinking to myself how I feel

The word that comes up alot for me is I'm jealous upset very mad
I don't have my Dad in my life he's the closest thing  I have in my life to a Dad
I don't have a relationship with my Dad and there's no relationship with my Dad's side of the family so all I have is my brother, his family and my Mom's side of the family. And I feel like I'm trying so hard to hold on to what I have of my family. He's meet family member's I haven't even met yet, went to my Grandma's funeral (which really upset me), he's also been to my Grandfather's village and I haven't and I feel like he has his family all I want is my own family. When he talks about retiring and all his plans and becoming a citizen of where my Mom's from I get even more upset. I feel like sometimes when we're both around my Mom we're both trying to compete for her attention and love. I know she feels that way too because she's told me that she feels pulled in the middle of my stepdad and me and I know it hurts her. When I get upset, she will normally go yell at my stepdad because I'm upset but Monday night I told her not to yell at him to just let me be upset and a little later I'll be ok. I don't always feel good about how I treat my stepdad because I doubt if he's aware of how I feel. He probably feels awful about how I treat him. To him I'm probably the stepdaughter from hell. With my morbid obesity, arguing with him like I do and all the stress I cause him. If he didn't love my mom he'd probably been gone a long time ago. Wonder if anyone can relate to me or have any advice for me on what to do.

Today was also another long day we had to take my cousin back down to UW Medical Center to check her infected leg. We left before 8am and didn't get back till 6pm. When we got home I crashed on my bed and just woke a little before 11pm. I had a banana, orange and some orange juice and I have a litre of water too.

So to sum it up - my tools in tact and works fine all I have to do is get my head sorted or transplanted for a new one and way of thinking and feeling. I really would like to be at a healthy weight someday so I can live my own life and have a life of my own that doesn't make me dependent or need my family so much :( I changed my goal to lose 100lbs or so to start. To get back on track. It's also the name of a new group I joined here in OH. So here's to getting back on track. God help me.

Thanks for reading. Don't be shy to post, even if you think it's something I may not want to hear. It could be exactly what I need to hear.

Deep Breath. it's June!

Jun 02, 2008

I've been looking forward to June - Summer since last Fall my ideal year would be summer fall summer spring - ahhhh perfect! So I hope this post finds you all well. Sorry I sorta slacked off during May. I've been doing Moderate Water Aerobics usually with Healthy Joints or Water Walking class preceeding the water aerobics class.

Last Thursday though I had a major toothache - I'd say a 10 on my richter scale. Man it was painful. Gave me painful earaches & headaches. So bad I took a couple of Advil gelcaps & hit the sack before 9pm. Which is way early for me. I was wide awake before 6am the next morning. I spent pretty much all weekend miserable. So on Monday I went down to my dentists for a walkin & he yanked the bugger out. I really don't like losing my teeth. Makes me feel so sad. I feel like my teeth are a part of who I am. I've already got a partial sitting in a box upstairs. I've been dreading losing my upper teeth. But Friday I'm going back for possilbly the removal of my left pre molar. My molar was plucked out today. Tomorrow I'm gonna try to head to the gym.

Family from Camas is driving up to visit tomorrow. Should be fun. My cousin is coming he's living in California. It'll be fun to visit with him & his 2 nephews. They're adorable. In my family, probably me with my weight issues & my Uncle who has a problem with alcohol are the black sheep, unfortunately.

Every year my health gets worse or I'm not well or skinny enough to travel so I miss out on family gatherings. I feel so left out of my family. I don't know how to say how I feel.

I've been drinking BSN protein dessert powders. I went to Emerald City Smoothie. Great store & the staff were helpful.  I've been doing protein shakes for a month now. I also bought a multi vitamin. Gummi vitamins. I don't like pills. Hard to swallow.

I find in my life there's some things I am sad to have missed. All important family events I've missed out participating in. Makes me sad & sometimes sad & resentful.

I better go to sleep ... good night!

April's almost over

Apr 25, 2008

Hey everyone,

It's almost the end of April, so I thought I should update my blog to let you all know how I'm doing. I haven't been to any new doctor's appointments since my last ones. I do have to make an appointment to see a nurse for a B12 shot soon though. I'm still going to the YMCA. I'm loving it. I fell today. Boy what trauma one can cause by slipping at the pool. Especially when you're my size & weight. I got to the YMCA at 9:30am. Went upstairs to do the NuStep Stepper but was busy so I tried to do the bicycles. Which turned out to be a bit of a hassle. I rely on my Mom & stepdad to assist me, but boy I find it hard being patient. There's things I like to think that they should just know & when they don't it bothers me & I get anxious. So after finally getting  had become available. I had 30 mins before going downstairs so I could participate in Water Walking for half an hour followed by Modified Water Aerobics. There was supposed to be another class after that but not  enough people stayed behind so there wasn't one. My Mom helped me get into the pool but then left to go run errands. I told her to come back at 1pm when the other class ended. So after the 11 - 12pm class I remained in the pool for another half hour or so, by this time I was getting so cold to the point I had goose bumps. I hopped into the Spa and waited for my Mom to come. 1:30 pm came and went. At about 1:55pm the lifeguard had someone in the office call my Mom at this point I was getting very tired. Ususally by 30 mins I'm ready to get out. As I'm getting out to go sit & wait for my Mom the lifeguard tells me for better circulation I should go into the pool or rinse off with cold water. So I went back into the pool. Walked up and down a few times then my Mom came. So I got out & walked with her to go get changed to leave. Walking along passed the main pool I stepped with my left foot & I thought "OMG I'm gonna do the splits!" Down I went my left foot slipped in front of me & I fell. I hurt my left side hip, knee & ankle. And I hurt my pride LOL. They all came running covered me up in towels, called the paramedics to come check me out. They came I was fine at the point just wanted to get up off the ground. I got up with no assistance from them "Thank God for small favors" Last thing I want to do is hurt anyone else. So I think I did good for today about 5 & 1/2 hrs at the YMCA even if i did spend a bit on my ass. Almost 2 months at the YMCA. I've started on the weights. I started water aerobics on Wednesday so today was my 3rd session in the pool. We're gonna get Aqua shoes for me to wear. I'm always scared of falling. Only because I'm worried about getting up - not being able too, & the embarrassment. But everyone at the YMCA was so nice to me. That yout've got to appreciate. Hope you're all well. Have a great weekend!

Haven't forgotten OH

Mar 05, 2008

Hey everyone!

Sorry I haven't gotten back sooner to let you all know how I am doing. Some days I do good. Some days not so good. Some days where I just don't wanna get out of bed or I'm angry with anyone who speaks to me. Usually that anyone is family. We took my Mom on the 1st for her birthday. I try to make our birthdays & Christmas's special because it seems to me that we always give & do for others but often when it comes to our birthdays & Christmas's we forget to shop or there's no money to shop. I think she had a good time.

I was just thinking this time last month I was in the hospital with pneumonia. I've been trying to set up follow up appointments with a pulmonary doctor I used to see in Puyallup, arrange a sleep study & make an appointment with my surgeon. Well I've had no luck with the pulmonary doctor or sleep study appointments. But I do have an appointment with my surgeon March 24th at 10:30am. Thank you to all of you who reccommended I go back to see him. 

I have this hang up with myself where I feel ashamed to be myself. I feel like I should hide myself. Stay out of everyone's way. I used to want to go live on my own. But I know there's no way I could. Least not right now. If I did my health would probably deteriorate much worse than it is now.

I made an appointment Monday & went to the YMCA. The first time I've been back in a place like that in wow 3 yrs . It's been awhile. There's this stepping machine there. First time I've used something like that. Looked easy when I was watching another lady on it. But oh boy did my knees hurt. Not because of the exercises so much as I kinda felt squished & it was kinda sore with my AFO on. But i did ok i managed to go for 20 minutes. I feel if I was more comfortable that I probably could of gone longer. But you the saying start off slowly & safely & work your way up. This is a 12 week program. I'm interested in discovering what the results are when I go to see the doctor on the 24th. 

I need to go check out when some of these support groups are so I can make plans to attend at least the ones closest to me. I really feel going to the YMCA is going to be at least one step in the positive direction. Obviously it's going to take me lots of hard work to reach some good goals. Good health being one of them. Being fat i've always felt like I am less of a person for being so. But at the same time thinking that people will like me better because I'm skinny - just really sucks because it drills into your head that you're not good enough the way you are.  And when I am approached or talked to I wonder in my head "What do you want from me?" So yeah I have a few "in my head issues"

Hope you all have a good week. Thanks for all your support & for adding me as a friend and for welcoming me back to OH.

5 years out

Feb 07, 2008

I'm 5yrs out by two weeks now. I'd kinda forgotten about everything. Kind of didn't want to know. Scared of being back up at where i was prior to surgery. But I've recently had another one of those "awakening moments" I had been sick with what i thought was just a cold for about a week & i just tried to stay in bed to make myself better. On Friday i coughed up some awful orangey brown mucus. It scared me so I called my primary care clinic to set up a Doctor's appointment. The earliest I could get in was this past Monday February 4th. My 02 levels at the clinic were bouncing all over the place between 82 - 99 percent but never stable while sitting. When walking it dropped further between 75 - 78 per cent. The doctor was very concerned & ordered me straight to the emeregency room. At the emergency room I learned i weighed 560lbs.  Which means since having the surgery in January 2003 & my lowest weight from January 2004 of 477lbs I have gained back 83lbs. My worst fear regaining weight back.  So I have pneumonia in my right upper quadrant of my lungs. I came home from the hospital yesterday & am just trying to take it easy & to get well again. I have a follow up doctor's appointment on Monday with my primary care doctor. I have a phone number of a pyschologist for Weight Loss Surgery. While in the hospital they spoke to me about the dangers of gaining more weight back & to get back on track before my situation gets worse & beyond my control. I am back on oxygen 24/7. My hopes is it's because of the pneumonia & that it is just temporary. Anyway I got an email to congratulate me on being 5yrs post op & to update my profile. So I thought I Would just do that. I wish I was a better example of Weight Loss surgery success. I have no one to blame but myself for my weight gain. I need to learn new ways of thinking. I want to be healthy like everyone else. If anyone reading has any sugeestions or help for me I'd gladly welcome any help.

About Me
Puyallup, WA
Surgery Date
Jun 25, 2004
Member Since

Friends 47

Latest Blog 7
Deep Breath. it's June!
April's almost over
Haven't forgotten OH
5 years out