Life 15 years post op roux n y
Feb 06, 2018
Having the surgery saved my life. I got down to 465lbs post op then gained weight back. Pretty close to hitting 600lbs. And I got scared. I remembered how I struggled pre op. My health was so bad. I was dying. Sometimes, I hoped I would just die in my sleep.
Life sure has been an adjustment. More difficult it seems with the complications, the loneliness, feeling like I'm treated like I don't exist, feeling angry, feeling like I can't breathe, feeling hopeless, wanting to be loved, feeling like I can't because I'm morbidly obese ( and who would be crazy enough to love someone like me) and don't deserve to be here, to be happy, to exist and to be loved. I'm 44 this year. Dying inside everyday. I wish I had a drug addiction. I wish I had the guts to kill myself (the right way). So stupid I can't even do that right.
Even if there was a chance at love, who would want me? I've only let myself be used. Thinking ... Telling myself that I have to know if I could be loved? I don't know if I'd recognize real love if it walked up and slapped me in the face. Or if I'd believe if someone said I love you!
Never was comfortable with "I love you." felt it was too easy to say and not everybody meant it.
So complications still dealing with post op are challenges of right foot drop, peripheral neuropathy, iron deficiency anemia, vitamin d deficiency, two large hernias that make me look pregnant ????, dehydration, dizziness/syncope and lately cellulitis on right leg and arthritis on left hip and kknee. Living in constant pain. Oh and I have trichotilimania, depression and ptsd. All the way around fucked up!
