michelle202

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http://vsgmom.com/post/4144458536/body-dismorphia-me

How have you been inspired?

 

About a year ago I realized that my weight was out of control. I knew that if I didn’t change things drastically, I wouldn’t grow old with my husband or be around to see my children grow up. I realized that I had become a shut in, and that I was not the mom I had always aimed to be.  I was drowning, and I didn’t even know it.

One night I had started to gaze the net looking into weight loss surgery. I wasn’t ready to go to a message board, I was simply googling different terms, reading information, and looking at pictures. Some how I came across Trimywill.com ,and I sat and read, and reread. I read his journey like it was a novel. I was pulled in. I looked at his photos, and I was amazing. From 400lbs to an ironman! Amazing. But the part that really pulled me in wasn’t his weight loss surgery, or his achievements in the end, but his honesty! From how he gained the weight, to how the gym kicked his ass the first time he went. HONESTY! I read his site a few more times. I used his site to help me explain my decision for weight loss surgery to my family. I wrote Dan back then, and I thanked him.

From there, I started on track with the doctors, the diet, and browsed more of the web. I came upon meltingmama.net/wls She made me laugh out loud. I watched some of her youtube videos, and I found myself looking at a real woman, living the every day life of wife and mother, and weight loss surgery success, weight loss, regain, reloss and the roller coaster that follows. MM shares openly her struggles with reactive hypoglycemia and a seizure disorder that she didn’t have prior to her weight loss surgery. She also shared her reviews of various products related to WLS. Always with the pro’s and con’s.

Both of these people had referenced Obesityhelp.com, and I eventually took the leap to the message boards.

Meltingmama, created The Bariatric Bad Girls Club, and there I have laughed till I cried, found friends, further inspiration, and above all else… HONESTY about WLS. I wear one of these on my wrist every day. My dear friend Julie, a fellow WLS bad girl brought it to me the day I had my surgery

I wear it with pride.

So that is my story of how the internet enlightened me, inspired me, guided me, and humors me. That is the story of how I decided to have WLS. And while neither of the people who initially inspired me have had the same surgery I have had, they have paved the way for me to find exactly what was right for me.

Thanks Dan, Thanks Beth, Thank you Sondra, Julie, Jeannie, Shelly, Andrea, Teresa, Taunia, Melissa, Kaitlin, Darlene, Michelle, Beth (and her larry), thank you to the thousand + other bad girls. I am inspired daily.

I have FINALLY been approved! I have NO idea what my date will be. My paperwork was handed into the surgeon's office  June 1. The woman in charge there, held onto it till the 10th or so (part of it had to do with a website I needed to fill out). So, from June 10-July 16 I have been in limbo! I had been in denial pending more information from the surgeon. CIGNA was splitting hairs over the way ONE paper was being received. They wanted the procedure codes on the same page as the surgical evaluation and an electronic signature from the doctor was unacceptable. Back and forth it went. My case manager was apologizing left and right. Today I had had enough and requested that the surgeon's nurse coordinator request a peer review. Less than four hours after she went ahead and requested the peer review for Monday, I was approved! It is amazing how some people are willing to split hairs, and almost seem to thrive on driving requests into the ground.

But, never mind them. I have been approved and MIchelle is getting a sleeve baby! 

The quote is : Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.
Paulo Coelho

This waiting game with the insurance company is eating me alive. I just want to be able to plan my near future. I would like to make arraigments for childcare IF I have surgery, and hell if they deny it an I have to appeal, I would love to do something fun this summer with my kids.

I am honestly stumped! Why why why is this taking so long. Not only did I do every bit of leg work required by the insurance company and the surgeons office, but I went BEYOND that. I set up a case manager.

If they deny this surgery, or don't make a decision soon.... they will be paying for my inpatient psych care.

Now, I know that the insurance company has 30 days to review the request for bariatiric surgery, but this process is KILLING ME! OMG, it is going SO SLOW. The fact that I can NOT plan what is going to happen in my life is driving me up a wall. I have my sister on stand by, waiting not only for approval, but for a date for the surgery. If we go into August I'm so screwed! My  sister's kids (as well as my own) return to school in August. I can't imagine being just out of surgery and having to do the daily car pool all on my own. Blahh.

I'm a whiner. I know it. I'll take some cheese with that whine and call it a day. Blahhhh

OH I am so excited! CIGNA received my paperwork last Thursday. It is in review. My case manager at CIGNA has assured me that as long as all of their criteria is met, I will get a quick approval! I know every I has been dotted and every T has been crossed. I know my BMI and family history is enough for approval. I am so positive that it will NOT be denied.

I am so excited! Welcome to the rest of my life! OH, a date can't come soon enough!

The Surgeon's office (who I have harrassed relentlessly for the past week) is finally ready to send off my paperwork to the insurance company, and GUESS WHAT? One of the SIMPLEST things that I HAD TO DO, was forgotten about! MEANING, I have held up my own paperwork! Not the office, not the surgeon, not anybody BUT ME!

I vagely remember being told to go to REMEDYMD.COM to register. I had gone and filled out my name and address. For what ever reason, I never finished. Got a phone call, while at K's cardilologist from the surgeon's case manager. She said "MICHELLE! Dear, you need to finish your remedy work." "my what?" "remedy" "Umm remedy what?" and then she explained as simply as she could. HELLO, the FIRST THING YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO, LIKE EVER! DUH! DUH DUH!

So, BLAHHHHHH to me! I finished it. Sent it in. Gave the office a ring to let them know I did my homework this time around.

Control Freak FAILS!

So, today I called yet again to see if my paperwork had been received. I was told nothing yet. I called the surgeon's office for the second day in a row, leaving messages both times. Wanting to be sure that there were no issues with the anatomy from the barium swallow, or any other reason as to why the surgeon wouldn't have signed off on the paperwork.

I FINALLY received a call back (from a rather annoyed staff member) telling me that #1, she does both scheduling and case work, so she can't do it all at once. #2) She only saw me A WEEK AGO, and that she had not yet submitted the paperwork.

Okay, so in her defense I admit that I am slightly obsessive and controlling. It is difficult for me to let things be out of my hands. But THIS is precisely why! I mean, honestly? It takes 7 days to push paper through a fax machine? For real?

Anyway, I think I got the message that she was annoyed, and I think she got the message that I wasn't going to back down, calm down, sit down or wait. :) I'm such a PITA. She and I are going to be great friends some day. LOL

Now that my voice has been heard, I will settle down and just wait. I promise I won't call them incessantly over the next week or two, nor will I constantly call CIGNA. I promise (i think).

I totally understand the importance of the 6 months of monitored weight loss required by some insurance companies. I agree its a pretty important process. It gave me the chance to change habits now, while I have a choice to do so, as opposed to post op, when I am forced to do so.

That said, It has not even been a week since my paperwork was submitted to the insurance company and I am ready to climb the wall. Up to this point, I was in control. I had to acheive xyz before anything could be submitted. Now I play the dreaded waiting game. Oh how I hope that my insurance turns this over with a speedy approval! 

I have wanted to eat everything under the sun this weekend! I totally admit to going for a big ol' bagel and coffee on Saturday. UGH, that mindset is so dangerous! I'm such a control freak, and when I feel things are not in my control... I figure... LETS BINGE!

Slapping myself back into submission! I will not over eat. I will not binge. I will continue to look at the protein, carbs, calories and sugars on the labels. I am still in control! This is just one more phase in the journey to triumph!

About  Year (maybe a little more) ago I started thinking of going to the extreme of wls. It IS an extreme. The yo-yo dieting, the weight fluxuations and the increasing numbers on the scale year after year use to not bother me AT ALL. A few years ago, my very healthy, very active, very successful brother had a massive stroke. It changed his life. He nearly died, and is lucky to be a live. But he is now living the life of a disabled, single  man. He struggles with the every day, weather he likes to admit it or not. His cholesterol was to blame. He didn't take care of himself. Now he is missing a large part of his brain.  This past September, my mom had a stroke. Hers, while minor compared to my brother's, was equally as traumatic to our family. Mom had to have surgery on her carotid artery. Scary stuff. Breast cancer runs in my family, as does uterine cancer, diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, stroke... the list goes on.

I am easily the heaviest person in my family. My husband is equally as heavy (of not heavier). Its easy to let that scale rise when you have a partner to do it with. We have a child who is medically fragile. Both of us gained a tremendous amount of weight after her birth. Her care is constant, and difficult. Her future is unknown. Stress eating had become a very simple thing to do. I did it acknowledging the fact that I was totally stressing out and needed a vat of coffee (lots of cream and sugar) and possibly a muffin to get through the day.

In October 2009 I announced to the family that I was pursuing this type of weight loss. There was a collective sigh of relief from my siblings and my parents. Not so much from my husband. He has kicked and screamed the whole way through this process. Afterall, who will he eat with? He is not where I am mentally. He has not reached that point of fearing for his life because of his weight. When he does, I imagine he will diet, as surgery scares the heck out of him.

In January 2010 I started my 6 month journey of monitored weight loss. I have lost about 30lbs. It feels good. I have changed the habits that got me here, with out a doubt. But the thought that I could really use that coffee and muffin occurs daily.  All the way through these past 6 months I knew that my insurance (CIGNA) covered only the band and the RNY. I was ready to go for the RNY. Full speed ahead. Do not stop, Pass Go, Keep going, till your guts are all rearrainged! Then, 3 days before I submitted my paperwork to the surgeon's office... CIGNA changed things up on me! They now approve the sleeve as well as the DS! I've sat long and hard thinking about this. I have done my research. I am NOT going for the RNY! I am taking the leap and going for the sleeve!

TODAY, June 3, 2010 is the day the surgeon signs off on my paperwork. The past 6 months of weigh ins, the past 5 years of weights, the barrium swallow, the psych eval, the nutritionist visits. This is the day! He signs of and it all goes through the magic fax machine and gets submitted to the insurance company! Today is the day that it is OFFICALLY out of my hands! 

I have taken the leap! The leap to change my life, The leap to a healthier future. I have taken a leap of faith in myself, and I am not going to regret it for one second! This is my life! I am taking charge! And beside the little matter of insurance approval, my life is in my hands, and the world is at my door! I'm ready! Lets go!