Becca R.

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Its my 1yr surgiversarry! according to the scale this morning I am 161lbs ( I was down to 155 but this darn baby (christmas chocolate) desided to have a growth spurt lol) which makes my bmi 29 this is such a far cry from the start of my journey at 308lbs bmi 56.  I am so excited to be bringing a baby girl into our family this May and feel like my kids can have a mom to look up to rather than be embarassed by (which Im sure will happen either way). But I wanted to do this for my kids so I could be a better mom and not sit on the bench anymore. I can climb on the playground with them and slide down the slides, we can swing together and its the best feeling in the world! I feel like a whole new woman and I can honestly say this was the very best thing I have ever done for myself! I cant wait to see what the future holds for me and I feel like no matter what it is I can conquer it with no more restrictions or excuses!

I just thought I would share my aha moment. The thing that made me say enough is enough and I will be getting WLS now thank you.
When I was a kid my dad took me and my friend to the fair. I wasnt that fond of fair rides but not to be outdone by my friend we got inline for the ring of fire. the whole time I begged my dad to ride it with me. Im sure he was having that inner struggle that all us overwight people have when face with this kind of descision. will i fit, will they make me get off, can it be safe for me to squeeze into this thing? So its our turn to get on and he gets into his spot and low and behold its a no go. he is too big and try as they might the buckle wont latch. I remember the look on his face and the pain in his eyes as he had to leave the platform. I know It hurt him so much that he had to leave me behind and the embarassment knowing that all the other dads could ride with there kids but he couldnt. I remember telling myself that day that even though I loved my dad to peices no matter what size he was, that I would never let that happen to me or my kids.
Fast foward 15 yrs and Im in line for a rollercoaster and my bean pole hubby and his like wise beany siblings are enjoying a day of vacation. I am now having that inner struggle that no one else can see.. will I fit, are they going to kick me off, is this even safe for me to squeeze into? Its our turn and my barely visible if they stand sideways family slip into their respective seats and here I am struggling to suck in every inch of me possible with no luck.. I wont be able to buckle. the ride attendent comes over and radios his manager to come and after an embarassing agonasing eternity it is deamed that yes the 300lb woman will need to vacate the ride. The promise to my self had been broken, I had let myself become my worst fear and now If I continued on this path I wouldn't be able to ride with my son when he gets older, I will have to tell him no mommy is too big. We might not even get to go to the fair because mommy cant walk for that long or get out of bed any longer. I was heart broken and so mad at myself that when we got home from vacation my husband and I began calling the insurance and looking for surgeons.
That was my wake up call and as humiliating as it was and as much as i thought I would surely die from embarassment I am thankful that it had to happen for me to open my eyes and see that my weight was affecting not just me but my family too and it needed to stop!

Soo I have always just been very shy and I hid behind being my weight never wanting to be in the lime light for fear of being made fun of or stared at. For so long I was just a giant awkward mass that occationally moved or talked but now I feel like I am actually a person and it sounds silly but I almost dont know how to be that... who is this person staring back at me in the mirror?? It never occurred to me that I would aquire a new personality after wls. I love to excercise, shop, meet new people, I clean my house on a regualr basis just because I can lol, I just want to be noticed which let me tell you is the polar opposite of who I have been for the past 15yrs. Honestly when I had wls I thought I was gunna lose weight and it would improve my life but not make me want a new one. Soemtimes I feel like Im shutting out the people that knew me before and I dont really know why, I just feel awkward around them like Im on display.  Even my husband.. I dont know how to be with him in this new body and I feel so stupid for saying it because I love him to pieces. I guess I'm just ashamed of who I was and so its easier to meet new people than feel awkward around the ones that knew me before. I dont know if any of this makes sense but I had to get it out some how... whew!

I ran today! I usually just walk around my neighborhood which is 2.3 miles and by the time Im back home Im pretty pooped.. Lately however I have had a major boost in energy and my body wants to go and move and my walks are just not cutting it.. I broke down and my loathing for running couldn't be my excuse anymore. I didnt even run in PE I would make up excuses or just plain not do it and suffer the grade becuase I hate it that much! so depite all of that I forced my self to pick up from my comfortable walk into the first awkward bouncing steps of a run. I did learn some new things 1) I feel like a spazz when I run there is still more jiggle in my wiggle than I would like there to be and I can only do it in little bursts till I feel too ubsurd. and 2) I am going to need a new workout pants and tops and sports bra cause nothing was staying in place and I mean nothing! this also being a reason for having to space out the running portions cause I needed to fix major wordrobe malfuctions. I got to tell you though It felt really good to exert some major energy if only for the space between two mailboxes.

I am loving my life without my custom fit fat suit and I would not have believed a year ago that I would have voluntarily ran or walked anywhere!