Bridget M.

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Thought for today..  When I think back to life before RNY-I don't know how I did it.  Current weight is 132, and there are days when I still feel huge.  I guess that even if the body now looks a lot different, at the root, I'm still the same person.  I still put up with negative put me downs from family.  I still choose non-confrontation over confrontation.  But why? I have a great career, that I love, just like before.  I have a nice home and good kids.  Why put up with others negativity?  Because surgery didn't change how I feel about myself, years of abuse as a child and in the early adult years are really hard to overcome.  However, I don't think it is impossible.  Now that the weight is under control, I am focusing on being positive and staying happy.  People in my life that do not fit into those goals have got to go!  Wish me luck!   

Almost a year, and I've went through so many changes, I don't know where to start.  I'm married now, as of 11/11/07.  I've completely changed my livestyle.  I'm pregnant, but life is good.  I've gained about 10 pounds since becoming pregnant, which isn't good, but since I'm no longer running 3 miles a day... 

Wow! I can't believe it has been over 6 months since my surgery.  My life has changed 110%, most for the better.  I started this journey at 247 pounds as my highest weight ever and now my weight is 135 pounds!!!   I still battle with feeling fat and I really don't know what else to do about that.  I still grab clothes that are way to big, and then can't believe that they do not fit.  I am exercising every day, I run at least 2 miles sometimes 3.  But here is what I want to talk about, vitamins and depression.  About 3 months ago, I got really lax about taking my vitamins and eating, and then when school let out, I completely stopped taking vitamins and pretty much not eating at all.  I might have one thing all day long. Well it didn't take very long for that to catch up with me.  
My house also burned down about this time, so life was in total choas.  I was living several different places and honestly didn't know where my meds even were.  My whole routine was screwed up and I didn't even realize it until I hit rock bottom, I was drinking every day and it just was not a good time.  This is when the depression hit like a ton of bricks, I was floored, I had never experienced anything like it before.  I was crying all the time and my mind wouldn't turn off no matter what.  I was miserable.  I had just moved back to my house, even though not everything was finished I couldn't stand being away from home anymore.  I honestly think the depression and anxiety are a direct result of the surgery, and my non-compliance to eating and taking vitamins.  My body was getting zero B-12 for an extended period of time, that was most of the anxiety.  I was shaky all the time and dizzy.  It was bad.  So this is what I've been going through at 6 months out, I hope my next blog  is much better news.  I'm still experiencing the depression but at least now I think I know the reason for it and can rationalize it in some way.  I hope somebody is helped by this or at least forewarned of what could happen. 

Well it will be three months on Sunday since my surgery!  Time flies!  I am now at 160 pounds and in a size 10/12.  Read that as I can get in a size 10 but, they are not something I would wear out of the house.  A size 12 is a little big in the legs, but my tummy has all this extra skin and that is why a 10 is tight. How long until we can have PS?  Eating right is not too bad of a struggle anymore, I still crave pretzels and basically allow myself to eat them, because after a few I get full anyways.  I figure if pretzels are the worse thing that I do, then I'm not doing too bad.  I'm starting to get a little bored with life and wanting to move forward.  I'm hopefully starting a PHD program in the fall, and am really excited about that, now if I could just get my personal life on track.  LOL I guess we can't have it all, all at once!  My kids say I have am more entergetic, outgoing, and active than I was  before I lost the weight.  Oh, my dear daughter says I'm less grumpy now, but I think she is just buttering me up for something.  LOL 

It has been one month, and I can't begin to tell you how different I feel already!  I have lost 27 pounds, since post op.  I am exercising 6 out of 7 days every week.  I am still a little queasy about trying any new foods, even if I am allowed, just fearful.  I have not been sick ever, nauseaus some but no puking, also no dumping yet either.  I tried a scrambled egg for the first time this morning and after one tiny baby spoon bite, knew that the ole' pouchy wasn't going to be happy, so I threw it away.  I still have a nasty taste from it.  The one craving, that honestly I still have is for pretzels, but I was seriously ADDICTED to pretzels before surgery.  
Last night I was shopping at day with my mom and my kids and of course the last store we go in is Target, mom had to get the kids snacks for the drive home (2 hrs), well I though I had to have something too, I could find nothing in the store that I could eat.  Then I found a bag of pretzel gold fish.  I had to have them, one serving is 48 of those tiny little things, so my dd was doling them out to me to make sure I didn't go over 1 serving, well guess what I only ate 4 pretzel goldfish, and stopped!!  I was truly amazed with myself, but now that I'm typing this guess what I want again? 
Ok now for an update on inches, before I got this surgery I was wearing a 20, sometimes an 18, but they were tight, tight, tight.  Now yesterday I bought a 14 and the 16's I was wearing were loose!   I don't have before surgery measurements, because I was too chicken to take them, but I do have a two weeks post op measurements.  So from those measurements I have lost 6 inches off my waist, 7 inches from my hips, almost 3 inches from my inner thigh, 2 inches from my upper arm, and 2 inches from the girls.  My neck is also 1 inch smaller.  
Weight loss is pretty slow, I think, but faster than it ever has been in my life! LOL  
One frustration at this point is that I feel like I have no control over how fast/slow I'm losing, b/c it doesn't seem to matter what I do, exercise wise, I get the same results the next day.  We'll see if this changes as time progresses.  
 

I'm three weeks out and just starting on pureed food. I don't really think my looks have changed at all, and my clothes were tight, (read hard to breath in) before and now they fit loose, so I guess I have lost some weight. I am really enjoying exercising for the first time in my life. I feel so strong afterwards, compared with how I feel after I eat/drink anything, no wonder people start to enjoy exercise after wls. Eating is painful, walking isn't. LOL I went back to work last week and other than being a little tired, I think I did pretty good. This week will be my first full week back, wish me luck. I may need it.

The good news is that my blood sugar has been normal since the day after surgery!  The bad news is that the surgery and the days after were very rough.  Here is what I remember.  I stayed in Columbus the night before the surgery, so that I would be to the hospital on time, 8 am.  Didn't sleep very well that night, just nerves I guess.  Arrived at the hospital on time, and was promptly taken to pre-op where they had trouble starting an IV.  After they started the IV, my mom and aunt came in and wished me well.  Then I was rolled into the OR, I don't remember much except, the anastesiologist said that I was sobbing very hard, and he had to give me something before he could put me under.  I don't remember this at all!  Surgery, from what I'm told took longer than normal because I had some excess bleeding and problems with my blood pressure.  It kept dropping.  I went into surgery at 7:30 and didn't get out until 4:00.  I remember them talking about my bs being very high due to the stress of surgery and my blood pressure being very low so they kept putting more fluid in me.  I gained 30+ pounds in just IV fluid!  The next few days are a blur, but finally on Wednesday my surgeon asked if I wanted to go home, I said yes.  I just wanted to be home.  It took forever to get home and every bump hurt like heck.  I made it though.  My mother was waiting when we got here and the first thing she did was start telling me how inconsiderate I was for not telling her we were running late, and how ungrateful I was for making her wait.  I lost it and started bawling and asking to go back to the hospital.  I still hurt when I think about how she treated me.  I've always been her punching bag, so why did I think this was going to be any different?  By the way, I didn't know she was waiting at the house, and we did come straight home, it's not like I felt like going anywhere.  I was knocked out for most of the ride home.

Ok, so surgery is in two days!  I'm finally completely sticking to my pre-op diet.  It is very hard in the beginning, but finally I'm to the point where I am doing ok with it.  My blood sugar is finally going down.  I had to call the surgeon and tell him I was doing everything I should and still had bsl in the 300's!  I think it was stress related.  Work was not the easiest this week, to put it mildly.  I was still hearing of things that need solved walking out the door at 5:00 on Friday. School ends at 2:30.  But I think everything is ready to go for my sub, everything else is patched until I get back.  Well, enough of this, I just cleaned most of the house and am getting ready to go on my last shopping trip before surgery.  I'm stocking up on broth, water, s/f jello and yogart.  My g/m is in the hospital again, they didn't think she was going to make it through the day on Monday, but it's Saturday now, and things are looking better.  She is really a fighter.  I'm probably going to stop and see her today too.  Tonight I'm going to pack my suitcase, and read a book. 

Ok, so I'm finally going to go find out everything I need to know about my surgery on the 18th and I am so nervous.  What if it doesn't work for me, what if I end up not being able to eat at all?  What if I end up miserable?  What if I do all the tests, and something is wrong and they can't do the surgery?  What if my mother, who is going with me trys to talk me out of it? So many questions.  The kids are at their dad's tonight that is probably the reason I'm so nervous, normally I don't have time to be, but they're gone and I just finished my last two projects for school.  Hurray! Lots of time to think now.  Bridget

Well, here it is a little less than a month away, finally, after a lifetime of dealing with diabetes and being overweight.  In some ways it feels as if I'm being freed and in other ways it feels like I'm going to be less free.  Thanksgiving is in a few days, and I plan on it being one of my last big meals, before the big day.