New feelings

Dec 10, 2009

Well tonight was a fun night for me. My church had a progressive Christmas dinner for all the ladies in the Relief Society. It was fun actually, we all met at the church and then drove to a members house for appetizers, then to another members house for the main course dinner and then back to the church for dinner and a small concert by the local university choir. It was awesome. I told most everyone there about my surgery. Its funny in the past 7 days I have had to attend 3 different functions for celebrating the holidays at the church and they have all been surrounded with eating. Funny thing is, I didn't finish all my cheesecake. I was actually full. Last night while eating dinner I forced myself to choose a lot and very slowly. I was able to chew macaroni and cheese around 20 times, meat around 40 times. Then the dreaded thing. I go grocery shopping tomorrow and I generally buy for at least 2 weeks at a time. I start my diet Monday. I worry that if I eat wrong my diabetes will be bad and they won't do the surgery so after tomorrow I am off the sweets. That being said I have decided to plan my last 3 dinner meals out so that they are special. Then it hits me as I am typing that I have given food way too much power and influence in my life. I never acted this weird before. And now that i am taking this step I actually feel as if I have to say good bye. I think maybe I am just being OCD about it and trying to "handle" it so that I don't fail. I don't know. I just never expected to have all this emotion. I think mentally I am trying to make it hard so that I can prepare myself. I have read so many posts and done so much research that I think maybe for me this could be too much information...lol...I kind of feel alone. I have been in this town 4 years, and have just within the last few months joined a church and don't really have any close personal friends that even remotely understand what I am going through. I have my daughter in law and she understands a lot, but she is so young. She is obese as well and I worry for her because I would not wish some of the things I have been through on anyone. Much less watch someone I love go through them. The thing is, I read post after post and I read about abuse and past relationships and weight being such a hinderance and although I went through a ton of abuse growing up, as an adult I tried really hard not to let my weight hinder me from physically being able to do stuff. And up until a couple years ago I was doing pretty good. Now my knees hurt and it just takes me longer to recover from an active day. The biggest issue is that my weight has led to my anxiety. I am so afraid of dying young from a complication from my weight. I am lucky in a sense. No cancer in my family much, but Diabetes is rampant. Of course obesity is big in my family. SO there you have it. Just the ramblings of someone  up late at night trying to figure out what she is going to do with herself.

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