msmanley21

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Ok everyone. I am still alive and kicking. The surgery is still going to happen. The Cobra kicks in next week sometime and within a couple weeks I should be having it. Then, lucky me within a week of having it I will be making major major decisions. Sigh. It is just the way it is I guess.

 Ok I am in emotional hell here. I am not sure how much more bullshit I can take. Ok here goes. My husband was laid off of work right after thanksgiving on November 30th. His boss ACTED like he felt so bad about and told him that he would keep him active into December so that he would be able to keep insurance through the holidays so I could have my surgery. He also told him that he would be getting all his PTO and a still be getting his Christmas Bonus. Right. So to make a long story short, I am in the middle of all my preop testing and what happens. He gets taken off of Inactive status and we lose insurance. NO SURGERY. I was devastated. Completely. I don't have to remind any of you all how desperate one feels when you know that you have done all that you can do to lose weight and nothing works. I am completely lost in a world of emotions. So what happens next? He does not get his bonus. What does that mean? No Christmas. I am okay with that to a degree, I have 3 granddaughters and well you can imagine. I am just done people. I did get some good news today though. They are offering us COBRA that is somewhat managable. I won't be able to afford it until the unemployment kicks in which could be 6 weeks and that may be too late because the deadline for the COBRA is Feb of next year. So I am hoping and praying things work out. I know they will, but I am just really down and out. We have never had it this bad and I am not sure how to deal with it all. The good news is that my surgeons office assured me that there will be no problem once I have COBRA as I am already approved for the surgery, just didn't have coverage. Sigh. Of all times for this to happen. NOW. This too shall pass.

Ok, since I have started the liquid diet I am having major issues with sleeping. That being said I have gotten off of caffeine for this diet. I am having head aches and very restless at night and it is driving me crazy. On top of that it cause me to start drinking coffee again. Now that doesn't sound like a problem but it is. I am Mormon and it is in our doctrines that we can not drink tea or coffee due to the adverse affects they have on the body. As you can see from my current situation they do have ill effects. Anyhow, I am sitting here drinking the worst cup of coffee in the world out of desperation. I don't have a coffee maker anymore and I literally had some coffee I forgot to throw away and I fashioned a teabag into a coffee ground bag and it is just gross. This better make me feel better or I am going to kick my own butt.

Ok, the first day was not so bad. HAHA Who am I kidding? It was easy at first but during the night it got hard. I cheated on Chips....And I don't care for chips. It wasn't a lot, just a few, but I cheated none the less. That being said, when I got on the scale this morning I had lost almost 5 pounds. Ok that totally psyched me. I needed that big time.

Well so far I have done nothing with this weekend. LOL. I am such a dingleberry sometimes. I just knew this weekend would be about having this one last weekend of my favorite foods. NOT. Its really weird I am like really blase about food this weekend. Hmmm. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it is God answering one of my strength prayers. Who knows. I am guessing it is a good thing.

Ok, I made a huge mistake. I went to Sams Club hungry. Not a good idea. I was grocery shopping for the last three free days to eat and of course to stock up my liquid diet junk. Dang, its more expensive to go all liquid than to just eat. Melissa (My DIL) is doig the diet with me. If she can do it I will be so proud of her. If I can do it I will be amazed...lol But I did find something somewhat healthy and tasty at sams. The parmesagn (Sp) encrusted tilapia. That stuff is the bomb.

Well tonight was a fun night for me. My church had a progressive Christmas dinner for all the ladies in the Relief Society. It was fun actually, we all met at the church and then drove to a members house for appetizers, then to another members house for the main course dinner and then back to the church for dinner and a small concert by the local university choir. It was awesome. I told most everyone there about my surgery. Its funny in the past 7 days I have had to attend 3 different functions for celebrating the holidays at the church and they have all been surrounded with eating. Funny thing is, I didn't finish all my cheesecake. I was actually full. Last night while eating dinner I forced myself to choose a lot and very slowly. I was able to chew macaroni and cheese around 20 times, meat around 40 times. Then the dreaded thing. I go grocery shopping tomorrow and I generally buy for at least 2 weeks at a time. I start my diet Monday. I worry that if I eat wrong my diabetes will be bad and they won't do the surgery so after tomorrow I am off the sweets. That being said I have decided to plan my last 3 dinner meals out so that they are special. Then it hits me as I am typing that I have given food way too much power and influence in my life. I never acted this weird before. And now that i am taking this step I actually feel as if I have to say good bye. I think maybe I am just being OCD about it and trying to "handle" it so that I don't fail. I don't know. I just never expected to have all this emotion. I think mentally I am trying to make it hard so that I can prepare myself. I have read so many posts and done so much research that I think maybe for me this could be too much information...lol...I kind of feel alone. I have been in this town 4 years, and have just within the last few months joined a church and don't really have any close personal friends that even remotely understand what I am going through. I have my daughter in law and she understands a lot, but she is so young. She is obese as well and I worry for her because I would not wish some of the things I have been through on anyone. Much less watch someone I love go through them. The thing is, I read post after post and I read about abuse and past relationships and weight being such a hinderance and although I went through a ton of abuse growing up, as an adult I tried really hard not to let my weight hinder me from physically being able to do stuff. And up until a couple years ago I was doing pretty good. Now my knees hurt and it just takes me longer to recover from an active day. The biggest issue is that my weight has led to my anxiety. I am so afraid of dying young from a complication from my weight. I am lucky in a sense. No cancer in my family much, but Diabetes is rampant. Of course obesity is big in my family. SO there you have it. Just the ramblings of someone  up late at night trying to figure out what she is going to do with herself.

Ok, since I found out that I am going to be having the surgery and that I have to start the diet on Monday I have been outta control with food. Well, maybe not out of control, but definitely a bit over doing it. I swear I feel like I am getting ready to lose a best friend. This disturbs and scares the hell out of me. I have done research and read and asked a million questions about this procedure and how it will change my life and yet none of it prepared me for the reality of my addiction to food. I was talking to my mom on the phone last night (she had the surgery a year and a half ago) and when I told her that as I am eating I am thinking about what I am going to eat next. She told me that she learned a lot of people are like that. It makes sense when you think of the alarming rate of obesity in our country. I can not even watch television without being tempted every 15 minutes. Our way of life is so completely surrounded by food. Thanksgiving, Christmas, BBQ's, everything. Talk about a battle. I have faith that I can somehow learn to manage this addiction. It's funny, it is the one thing in my life that I have absolutely no control of. I am going to start keeping a journal on here because I wonder just how many people are feeling the same way I am. Self realization is very hard. I finally uploaded pics last night of me in shorts for all the world to see. Come to find out the only one I was worried about seeing those pics was me. Very hard for me to look at them.

I finally got my approval and have a surgery date! I am so excited and happy and thrilled. I found out this morning but for some reason it is just now sinking in. This has been such a strange journey. I did not think this was going to happen at all. My husband was laid off from his job and our insurance runs out at the end of this month. Cobra is just way too expensive for us to do. But through a lot of praying and wishing everything worked out. I am having my surgery on December 28th. I am so excited.

Hola everyone! Sorry it has been so long since I have been on here but I have been swamped with school and moving. Well Tuesday is my last insurance required WLS visit with my PCP. On that same day we are submitting for final approval from the insurance. I don't foresee any problems as we met all the requirements and then some. We even got 5 years medical charts to prove the obesity and Diabetes. So if things go okay then I will be having my surgery mid december. Everyone pray for me or keep your fingers crossed. I am not scared of the surgery itself at all. I am only concerned about the skin situation when I am done. But I can fix that eventually with Plastic Surgery. I have many more things to tell you guys but I need to get ready for church so I will tell you all later on. Miss everyone.