mybestself

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After coming home from my first Thanksgiving post surgery, which was nice since for the first time I was able to get a conversation going about gratitude and actually get expressions of gratitude from just about everyone...and I remembered again about reaching my goal weight this morning.

I looked at the calendar and realized...today makes exactly 11 months, 11 days! . That's incredibly awesome!

What a perfect day for it too! THANKSGIVING DAY!

Of course its ironic that today is THE big eating day, which for me, won't be. These last 5 pounds have taken a while, but I was somewhat surprised that I get on the scale today and I finally reached my goal. Exactly half my starting body weight. Of course, I would like to lose another 20 lbs, but I'm not obsessing over that at all. My true goal is to not regain weight.

My gratitude for my surgery, even with all the difficulties that go with it, is endless! GOBBLE, GOBBLE no more :) !

So I went back to the GI doc on Friday, cause even though things were good after the upper endoscopy for several days, once again I'm having difficulties eating and drinking. He ordered another barium swallow and set up an appointment for a second Upper Endoscopy to presumably dialate the opening still further.

The Barium swallow was this morning, and thankfully they could see that the liquid was going into the pouch and bypassing the intestinal tract as it should. Only towards the end of the series of xrays did they see a little going into the old stomach, taking the normal route, through the fistula. So it seems that the fistula/ulcer is healing, even though its only been 2 weeks. This is the exact opposite of what they saw 2 weeks ago with this test, where everything was going into the stomach and taking the 'normal' route through the intestine.

This doesn't explain to me why I am getting nausceus and throwing up when I eat and drink...but I suppose if the stricture is narrowing again, or isn't large enough that would explain it. So hopefully on the 30th it will be opened enough...once and for all!

Well, things went well--ultimately. Waiting all day for the appointment to come was tough, especially without being able to eat or drink anything. But I suppose I was getting used to that as I hadn't really been able to eat much of anything without getting sickened by it.

The anesthesia didn't sit well with me at all...I was very nauseous and did finally throw up, despite the various medications they gave me. The doctor said the opening from the pouch was nearly closed and he opened it with the balloon. They didn't see the fistula, but could confirm that there was a small ulcer, for which he gave me medicine which will hopefully heal that.

I felt like crap for hours and couldn't wait to get out of there to go home. Slept, had some broth and slept the rest of the night. Fortunately I woke up feeling much better this morning. For the first time since my surgery I was able to drink 11 oz of a protein shake within 20-25 minutes! And nothing I had today made me sick!! Will need to be on soft foods again for a week, but just the feeling of being able to drink without the plumbing backing up is a huge relief!

Well, after suffering with frequent vomiting and intertolerance for just about everything, I finally went to the surgeon this week. It ended up with a barium swallow series of xrays and an appointment with the GI and an appointment for an Upper Endoscopy. Originally he wanted to do it the very next day, but I put it off until Tuesday, as I had just spent virtually the entire day for what was to be an early lunchtime office visit.

Today the surgeon called me to explain that the results of the swallow test showed that I have a gastro-gastric fistula, which is a reconnection from the pouch to the original stomach, probably caused by an ulser, which may also have caused a stricture, which was the original concern.

He said that we will still do the upper endoscopy, and do the expansion if indicated, but we will treat the possible ulser with medication first to see if that heals it. I pray it will, or it may ultimately mean another surgery!!!!!!  SHIT.

I had a follow up visit today with my surgeon. He was very pleased at my progress and was encouraging--not too surprising given I've lost 104 lbs in 4 months. He did say something which even before he said it he said, "I don't want to discourage you 'but' "--should have stopped him right there--people who start out with a high BMI like me don't usually get down to a BMI of 28 (which is what my goal weight would be). He said a BMI of 35 might be the best I could do without a lot of hard work. That would only be another 29 pounds.

He did say that with hard work (exercising 5-6 times/week) I might be able to achieve my goal. Well, I just started exercising again, and when I do it is at least 5-6 times/week. It just pisses me off that he put this damper on things. I know he's coming from what he's seen with "others," but I'm not them, and they are not me.

As it is I feel my goal weight of 175 is conservative and realistic. I certainly hope that I can expect to lose more than another 30 lbs...  Doctors!!

For the last week I was praying I would turn a corner with my intolerance for so many foods. Nothing seemed to stay down well, and even drinking was a push at times. Then this week, after two bizzare episodes of vomitting, I finally made a connection between the vomitting, at least on Monday and Tuesday, and my iron pills! These expensive Repliva mombo-sized pill, seems to upset my pouch and make me vomit, no matter what I ate or didn't eat. 

Now I still haven't tried everything I tried before to see if I tolerated it better, but I tried a few bites of a protein bar, and that went well. I had about 1/3 of a slice of pizza. Didn't lay in my pouch that great, but didn't make me sick either. Overall I have been feeling better and not throwing up. This weekend I hope to try some of the other dishes that I couldn't tolerate to see if they are sitting better.

I even feel as if I can finally drink a little more without overtaxing my pouch. Maybe its just not throwing up for 2-3 days in a row, but I feel like I've finally turned that corner!

Without thinking this morning I pulled the seat belt all the way across me…including my winter coat, and the seat belt plugged in easily, with a little room to spare!

Oh, and while I didn't have it as a goal, its a milestone nevertheless: I went under 300 for the first time in a few years yesterday morning .

As for my previous post about returning to work, all went fine, although I had to really push myself to get through the first couple of days, I still come home every night and need to sleep for at least an hour. Tonight was the first time I lay down, but could not fall asleep, so I got up after 1/2 hour.

Well, things went much better than I had feared. The first day I really had to push myself through the 2nd half of the day. Tuesday was easier. Each day became easier, although Thursday I (and oddly everyone else around me) were tired from pushing to catch up after the holidays.

My friend Nicole gave me such a wonderful welcome back! And she checked in on me a couple of times for the first few days to see if I was doing alright. Unfortunately Friday they moved her and now we don't sit across from one another anymore, so there won't be as much interaction throughout the day :( .

Several people remarked that I had lost weight, including the girl I specifically didn't want to go into the WLS with because a) she such a gossip and b) she's so intense and would bombard me with questions...no boundaries. She commented again on Friday afternoon. Her boss asked what was I doing? (Funny that question felt like an interrogation question! As if people have a RIGHT to know.) I answered 'the usual way" and let it go at that.

My boss' boss came up to me twice to congratulate me and acknowledge that I'm looking well and that its noticeable. She knows about my surgery as I told my boss etc. But I could feel she was coming from a good place about it and not an intrusive one. Her warmth was appreciated.

My boss showed concern and interest in how I was recovering, and awareness of potential limitations, but not much more--which is typical of her. All okay though.

It felt good to be back, although getting in enough protein and liquids is still a problem. I just can't taken in that much.

Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time in 3 weeks. I feel so nervous about it.  I'm nervous about how my energy will hold up. About how I'll do about my intake of protein and liquids. About throwing up.

And about how I'll be received by the others. Will I have to answer a lot of questions about my time off? Will word have spread about my surgery? I'm hoping as everyone else had nearly 2 weeks off they will all be busy chatting about their holidays and leave me pretty well out of it.

Then of course there is the work load. Will there be a lot of stuff left from the temp? A lot of loose ends for me to tie up before I can hit the ground running (on untested energy).

I've never felt nervous about going to work there before, except maybe the first day. Perhaps it part of the newest of it all. I'm pretty sure that once I'm back, I'll slip back into. Afterall, everyone else is coming back from time off too.

I've certainly been bored at home for the last 7-10 days. But still needing rest, and adjustment to my new body and eating tolerances.

I pray for the inner peace and confidence to go in, do what I have to do and handle the rest with grace.