nickomary

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Amazing....this year has flown by so quickly.  I have made so many changes in my life.  My eating habits, by thinking habits....the ride has been unbelievable! 
I went back to my blog before my surgery.  I read and relived every single word.  The emotions and feelings rushed back at me!  The most vivid emotion that I had is the feeling of having NO HOPE.   
Before I had my DS, I would spend the first few minutes of every day, waking up and promising myself that I would stay on my DIET.  The last few hours of every day, I would berate myself for being such an enormous pig for not staying on my diet.  The guilt and remorse were a constant.  And boy could I guilt myself.  Just the memory of that guilt gives me a knot in my stomach!  
In the last year, I have found my health, my strength, my hope and my happiness.  I had some difficulties to begin with (a wound that de-hissed at 1 week out and additional healing time, not to forget the "wound care nurses" and the "wound vac")but, I am grateful for every single day.  I am amazed at how easily I am satisfied by food of any kind.  I feel energized every single day and enjoy every opportunity to get out and walk, play with my dog, run up the stairs....amazing!   I can hardly wait to get up every morning and seem to finish projects in record time.   I did not lose much hair.....it was slightly more than normal on the brush but not noticed on my head at all!  YAY!
I am still losing weight....slowly, but that is alright.  I will not be a slave to the scale or to "numbers".  When I am done losing, I believe that my body will just settle in.  I have a natural thirst now and have no problems getting in my fluids or my protein.  I naturally crave protein and can now eat veggies and some berries without any tummy issues.  I stay away from breads, rice, pasta and any sugar.  Splenda is my "go to" when I need something sweet.  Strawberries and Splenda....yummmm!!!
I had my first "Cosmo cocktail" on Memorial Day.  Wow!  I don't need much of that anymore!  It hit me like a ton of bricks!
My weight loss isn't stellar or in record time but, I am healthy, happy and now have something that I never had before,
HOPE.    My future looks amazingly bright. 

at this very time, I was being wheeled into DS surgery!   I was scared, excited and so very, very hopeful.  As I look back, the best part of that time was that I had a glimmer of hope for my future. 

Prior to my surgery, I was becoming more and more depressed and hopeless....

BUT (and that's a BIG BUTT...)

6 months later, I have:
lost 61.5 lbs
lost my high cholesterol
found that I sleep better (still on the C-PAP, but this may be gone in another few months)
found patience that I did not ever have as a MO person
found that I am a much happier person
found clothes in my closet (that still have the tags on) that I can finally wear!!!!
 I can:
cross my legs above the knees
scratch my own back
reach that area that the sun doesn't shine on, better
clean my house without a bazillion breaks
and many WOWS that I am sure to remember later on...

I am not losing super fast but I am continuing to lose.  I had this major surgery because I spent  almost 40 years doing insanity dieting.   I have gained and lost 100's of pounds several times in my adult life and I have had enough of the crazy, guilt producing dieting!!!!!   I refuse to wake up every day promising myself that " this is the day that I start my new diet." only to screw it up  by noon and then chow down the rest of the day (or week****il I start the next diet!   I want the rest of my life to be healthy, happy and living life to the very fullest.  My DS is giving me all this and more!
I get my protein, fluids and vitamins/minerals in each and every day.  I put my health as a number #! top priority. 
I have just recently been able to start eating fresh fruit and veggies (ahhhh, so good!) and I have no problems with bathroom duties. 
All is well, I am loving my life and my DS!!!!

For those of you that do not know my history, I am the one in a million that had a really bad problem with my incision.  I had my DS on 6/2.  Full incision.  Went home on 6/7 and within a couple of days started having some drainage from the incision.  For the next two weeks, i made several calls to the clinic and was told to "watch for infection."  On 6/19, I went in for a checkup!  That was the 1st really bad day.  They opened about 4 inches of my incision and sent me home to have Home Health Care come in to do packing and dressing changes twice a day.  About 6 days later, I had a Health Care Nurse tell me that she wanted me to go to the ER as the wound was not looking right.  2nd bad day, they opened another 3 inches of the incision and admitted me to the hospital.  24 hours later, and another bad bad day, they opened the incision completely.  From breast bone to navel.  I spent 6 days in the hospital this time.  I went through twice daily packing and cleaning and this morning they sent me home with the spendiest little gadget called a "wound VAC."  The wound care nurse thinks that with good protein intake, adequate fluids and some luck, I should be healed up in 6-8 weeks.  In all of the time that I researched the DS, I never heard of this happening!   I HAVE HAD ALOT OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT THIS.  I HAVE NO REGRETS.  I AM TOTALLY PUMPED ABOUT MY DS AND SO LOOK FORWARD TO ENJOYING MY NEW LIFE, JUST A WEE BIT FRUSTRATED THAT I HAVE SO MUCH HEALING TIME AHEAD OF ME.  I don't think it happens very often but.....it happens.  I did nothing wrong, my surgeon did nothing wrong....it just happened!  I am not particularly religious although I am very spiritual and I truly believe that this speed bump has been put in my way for a reason, perhaps a lesson? 

One week ago, I had my Open DS surgery.  I just started to think about it and realized that some of the details are getting foggy so before I forget the important stuff...let me get my experience down for all of you.  Those that have come before me and shared their stories now have my respect and my intentions are to pay it forward.  I remember eagerly awaiting for just these as a pre-op.  
The infamous "Buchwald bowel prep" had me almost to my knees the day before surgery.  I had to drink 128 oz of a product called golytely (renamed go effing crazy) in 3 hours!  If I was lucky, there was maybe 3 hours of sleep that night.  Arrived with DH at the hospital at 630am.  By 815am, The Dr B had been in.  We had a last moment of discussing common channel length and then, I put it in his hands.  Iv started and a last kiss with the hubby and the next time it was 530 in the evening.   My very first "what the hell did I do?"  Phone calls came in for me that I have no recollection of.  I know I received a call from my sister in Malawi.  All I could say was that i had been hit by a bus or a train, take your pick!  It took a while for the nurses to get my pain under control and then when they did, I said, "Lets go for a walk!"  It seem insane but I remember reading posts on the board, time and time again saying that the walking was gonna be the best for me in the long run.   The days seemed to crawl and yet my main focus was get well and go home.  I begged to have the NG tube taken out as my throat was so raw, I couldn't even talk by Friday.  On Sat morning, the NG tube was taken out and PT came in to work with me on taking a shower.....oh, rapture!  I was put on clear liquids and on Sunday moved to full liquids and discharged from the hospital.    So, today I started pureed foods and I got up this morning and ate a soft cooked egg.  My new innards are working pretty well.  Alot of noise and grumbling and gas so I am assuming I may have become "lactose intolerant".  I will deal with that.
Dr Buchwald gave me a 75 cc common channel and I think about a 4-5 oz sleeve.  I am grateful.   Getting my fluids in is a constant struggle but I Will not take this job lightly.  For the next 6 weeks, I will get well and strong.  Thanks to all of you that have given such a huge base of info to go to.   This forum does so much good! 
Thank you to my 2 precious angels.  Both beautiful and loving women that I am proud to say I already adore!
Now, I am needing a quick bite and a nap...best to all.

I am a jumble of nerves...trying to remember everything that I have learned.  Cut back to liquids today as I will be doing the Buchwald bowel prep tomorrow.  That is freaking me out worse than the actual surgery.  I still feel somewhat traumatized from the colonoscopy that I had 2 months ago and this will be double. 
I finally told my sisters.  I sent them both an e mail.  Colleen called within moments of reading the e mail.  There were tears.  Mine.  She was upset that I hadn't shared this news with her.  I explained that I have issues with my family judging me.  She assured me that I had no reason to be concerned about that and was extremely supportive.  Sandy will get her e mail when she gets to work tomorrow.  DH finally looked at the illustrated version of the DS.  I really wanted him to know what Dr Buchwald was going to do to me.  He was okay with the illustrated version....baby steps.  He wasn't quite as open minded about my health directive.   Well, I am finished with chores.  Had a wonderful lasagna dinner with in-laws and DH last night.  I will make a few calls tonight and in the morning.  I do believe that I am ready.  I am eager to get started with my new life.
 

Okay, I guess I am starting my 2 week freak although, other than a few random moments of fear, I am relatively calm so far.   I feel as though I am entering into a different part of my life and I am seeing things differently. 
I got to spend 2 whole weeks with my daughter and my son and his wife and my gorgeous grandchildren in Florida.  The weather was perfect, hot and sunny.  We had endless games of Marco Polo, skit card games and good food, cocktails and lots of visit time also.  DIL and I did some shopping and I had an evening with both of my kids at my favorite Tiki Bar!  DS let me use his new BMW so I was cruising in style.   DS and I had an evening to just sit and visit too.  It was a wonderful vacation and I have magical memories of it all! 
We have had MIL (89 years old) and FIL (92 years old) up to the house for dinner  for 2 weekends in a row and that has been huge.  Mom actually sat out on the back deck with us for a couple of hours last weekend.  We had a ball.  I think they did too! 
Our first river trip is this weekend (Memorial Day Weekend)  and will be filled with friends, food and partying.  I will work 4 days next week and then be off to start my prep for surgery. 

For the last couple of days, I have been thinking about how and when I am going to tell my son and daughter as well as my brothers and sisters about my decision to have WLS.  These are all people that have known me my whole life.  They have stood by me and cheered me on with every flippin diet I have ever tried and eventually failed...they have watched me sit on the sidelines, watched me squeeze onto a ride at Sea World.  These are the people that love me unconditionally...why is it so hard to tell them what I am about to do? 
I feel very sure of my decision about the WLS and I am 99 percent sure that the DS is the surgery type that I want...I just know that I have spent my entire life trapped in this huge body.  I want to fell comfortable in my own skin.  I want the 2nd part of my life to be at the weight that I was intended to be at.  My weight is making me feel trapped and alone. 

I have had a few fleeting thoughts about WLS over the past few years.  I always thought that was for someone with no self control.  How did I get here?  I am a 51 year old woman that is 5 ft 4 in and 257 lbs.
When I really started to think about my "diet" history, I realized that I have been on a diet since I was 11 years old.  I have vague recollections of my Mom taking me to TOPS meetings and a few years later, Weight Watchers meetings,   I managed to graduate from high school and get married (the first time) at around 185lbs.  Both of my children were considered high risk because I didn't gain more than 5 lbs with each...not sure why, I just remember that I didn't gain much during the pregnancies...but, boy did I eat after they were born!!!
I tried most every diet that came along... I would lose but never much and the weight always came back with a few or twenty more pounds.
Shortly after Oprah did her "liquid diet", so did I!  I was at around 245 and I lost around 100 pounds.  But, as soon as I looked at real food, the weight came back on and fast, really fast!!!  I did a few more silly diets...Mayo clinic, the cabbage soup diet, etc...  A couple of years ago, I went on another liquid diet and lost 80 lbs...then my Mom died and I fell apart and off the diet train again...On my way back up the scale, I started getting really scared.  I felt like I had lost all control...I joined Weight Watchers once again, and in the last year, I have gained it all back and then some.