NiMo
Well, I've done it. Put myself out there on the world wide web for all to see. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be actually...just hoping this keeps me accountable to my goals of permanent weight loss this go around. Praying that the cycle stops and I can finally move forward. I've been trying to find the real 'NiMo' for awhile now...back and forth, up and down. I've felt so lost for such a long time.
I know I've been buried under all this excess weight, using my skin like some security blanket pretending to keep myself safe and warm, but in reality all I've actually been doing is causing daily harm to myself. My personality changed for the worse. I became introverted, antisocial even- characteristics I would have never allowed when I was younger. I've given up so many fond past time activities like being in the water, for fear that someone else might see how 'ugly' I looked in a swimsuit. An entire decade of young adulthood (my 20s) stolen from myself. I can count on one hand the number of times I allowed myself to even be put in front of a camera because I wanted no reality or reminder of how I really looked. I cried at my wedding in May of this year because the pictures of myself couldn't lie- we had eloped in Vegas and only a handful of family could attend. Everyone kept asking us for pictures and it broke my heart. I questioned how my husband would even want to be with me, looking the way I did. I was miserable and it was affecting us- my self esteem had hit its all-time low and I felt like I was already dead inside...that's when I made the choice to stop the yo-yo dieting and have WLS surgery. I wanted myself back. I wanted to have my self confidence back. I wanted to capture my memories with my husband not only in my heart, but with a camera as well. I wanted a family and my inability to become pregnant was caused by my weight. It was disheartening.
I forever altered my body on 11/17/11 so that I could no longer use food as a means of coping with my life.
The surgery wasn't an easy choice for me, or my husband. But I know it will be worth it. A longer, happier, healthier life. One where I can have healthy children, and we can watch them grow old together.
And in time, we will be able to have the wedding reception we weren't able to have initially, surrounded by ALL of our family and friends, and I will proudly stand in front of that darn camera taking thousands of photos so that our memories can live on. (Oh, and maybe take a honeymoon to some exotic location where swimsuits are required...that would be nice too. LOL)
Until then, my mantra is this:
Philippians 3:13-14
13No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.
