I am at the end of my rope with my weight problems. I have been dieting since I was 18 and nothing has been permanent. I need a solution for my life.
10-26-05 I started looking into WLS in June 2005. I was approved by the beginning of October and had a date shortly after that. When I went to my first apt at the WLC I had over three years documentation of weight loss attempts. I knew I would need this stuff and so for the last 5 years I have been making sure that I kept records of all the money I spent, all the "weight loss" professionals" I have seen.
I did not just start trying to loss weight 5 years ago though. My first diet was at age 16. My mother helped me join a women's work out program. I lost some weight and really felt good but gained the weight back eventually. At 18 I went on my first liquid protein diet. WOW. Lost weight really quickly, looked great felt great, gained the weight back, had a baby and went on another diet. Lost weight again and gained it back again. For a few years I hovered around 160. I developed a problem with drugs and that kind of kept me steady for those few years. When I quit using it was back on with food. I went ot OA and quit eating white flour and sugar. Lost some weight, looked good, felt good and gained it back. Got married, got divorced, lost some weight, gained it back. Got married again and gained some more weight, got pregnant gained some more weight, got pregnant again and gained some more weight. Went on another liquid protein diet. Lost some weight and gained it back. The last five years I have struggled every day with food, weight gain, self-esteem issues and the horror of losing weight only to gain it back again.
So in June I gave up. I no longer believe I can handle this alone. I need help and I think the WLS is the help I need. I quit dieting in June and I have gained about 10 pounds since my first appointment with the surgeon. I am currently maintaining at 251 pounds. So in theory I am a lightweight. My goal is 135-145 (which I have never weighed in my adult life). So I am on a journey to discover a new way to live. I know I am not alone. We are really in this together. So...Let’s go...
11-7-05 Well the date is getting closer. I have 5 weeks of school left and I am starting to get a little anxious. I have wanted this for a long time; I think I didn’t really believe the surgery would be approved. Now it is becoming a reality. I look at the profiles of those who have come before me and I wonder if I will ever be that skinny. What will it be like? I am somewhat worried about extra skin but not that much at this point. I guess when I see the others I can't believe I will be like that after all the failed attempts at losing weight. I am really getting in touch with how hopeless I feel in regards to my weight. It is sad because I am successful in other areas of my life. Man! I feel like something is wrong with me deep down inside. I have internalized all that it means to be fat...all the ugly words that accompany being fat. I feel like I am those words. Why this could be allowed to happen. How is it that we judge people by the way that they look, how much they weigh, how much money they have or don't have and then cause those people to feel so unlovable, so unacceptable that they can not even accept themselves. I want to cry for me. I want to shed all the hurt and fear and find me somewhere in here. Well on with the journey...
11-18-05 I have had a couple of bad days. I am scared now that the date it approaching. As I was reading the material for getting ready for surgery I just started feeling like I did not want to go through with this. This is a bad place to be. I don't really have any one to talk to about that. My friends support me but if they thought I was having second thoughts they would say "don't do it". My husband just scolds me "with an attitude like that...". Well maybe I just need to say a few things like "this is scary". Major surgery that will dissect my stomach and re-route my insides. Big change and really no turning back afterwards. I bet it’s better to think about this now so I'm sure than to wake up after and say Oppss...maybe I don't want to do this. I'm not really changing my mind. I am only processing the decision I have made and what it means. I hope someone reads this because I feel so alone right now....
12-12-05 WOW I had some trouble getting back after I created a "username". School is over for this semester and I think I did well. I am officially on sick leave. Surgery is tomorrow. I am not having all the indecision I was suffering with previously. I feel very calm about this right now. I know this is what I want and I hope that every thing will turn out just fine. I still feel a little alone in all of this but some things in life are like that. For me this is one of them. No one can make the decision for me no one can have the surgery for me and no one can lose the weight for me. These things I must do for my self.
Well I wanted to get things up to date here. I will update again as soon as I am home from the hospital (hopefully Thursday 12-15-05)
12-20-05 One week post op..I am a post-op, cool. Surgery was on 12-13-05 and things went well with the surgery. The surgeon found a hernia (hiatal?) and repaired it and still everything was done laprascopically. I have been in a good amount of pain and because I am a recovering addict I struggle with the use of pain medication. I used a lot of morphine in the hospital and actually stayed an extra day there. I just didn't feel up to going home on the third day so I stayed until Friday. I am still taking pain meds but it is getting better every day. I am learning how to eat again. I have no sense of when I am full. I am following the guidelines and still feel like I am taking in to much, so I spoke with NUT and she said to back it down a bit for a while.
Calcium I purchased, which is liquid is making me sick so I switched to one at the surgeons office. No other food issue, I am so glad to be on the losing side. I feel really good and optimistic about the whole thing at this point. As soon as the pain subsides I will be cool.
Oh, I've had quite a bit of support from friends and family. It was so nice to have people call me and ask how I am. One friend in particular who was not so supportive initially came to the hospital and has called since I got home.
It's all good.
12-26-05 Christmas is come and gone and I got through it with only minor cravings for food. It's like a dream come true, a Christmas not filled with the dread of over eating, feeling stuffed, hating my self for doing it again, feeling anxious all the time about what and how much food I am eating.
Now there were moments when I felt like I wished I could eat, or felt sorry for myself that this is what it had come to but they were moments. I recognize that I still "think" food will make me happy but I know that it will not. A thought is only a thought unless I act it out. I do have a choice today.
I started pureed food today. I had pureed chicken from a can, mixed with cream of chicken soup. No problems with it at all.
Well I guess that is all for now.
2-4-06 I did not realize it had been so long since my last up date. I had my 6 week check up last week and everything looks good. I am low in potassium so I had to start a supplement. I am very constipated and so I have made several calls to the Dr.s office about that. I have lost about 31 pounds which is 26% of my body weight and the Dr. says that’s good.
I have been losing very slowly for the last three weeks and I am VERY DISSAPOINTED. I have not posted because I know what to do, get all the water and protein in, wait and be patient because it is most likely only a stall and the weight loss will start again but this is very hard right now. I am at the point were I would give up on a diet. This is not a diet however and I can not just "go off it" I think you know what I mean. I guess I better take a nice long hot bath after I am done here.
I am eating solid food now and that has been an adjustment. I have not had any problems with food. I did get the potassium pills stuck 2 or 3 times and I thought I might pass out from the pain, some warm water and it passed fairly quickly. I am now on a liquid potassium supplement.
Well all I can do is hang in there and believe that soon I will start losing again. Bye for now.
3-22-06 Today I went for my 3 month follow-up. Everything is looking good. All my lab work is fine. I am somewhat ahead of the doctor’s goal for me. They said I have lost 39% of my weight and their goal for three months was 33%. I have lost 47 pounds so far (by his scale) I weigh less on my scale but I'm not splitting hairs. I am allowed to progress to some fresh fruits and vegetables now. I will still stick to protein first then some veggies then fruit. Over all I am very happy. I did expect to lose faster but I am very comfortable with the 2 pounds a week.
I have not had any trouble with food which is great. I do get hungry if I wait to long to eat. I have experienced head hunger and I hate it. I've been reminded more than once that the surgery was on my stomach not my brain.
2 weeks ago I had to put my dog down. It was very hard and I really wanted to go home be alone and eat and eat and isolate and eat. It was funny (maybe sad) how badly I wanted some food to comfort me. I'm glad I was unable to do that. I went to an NA meeting and shared. I did not eat and yet after awhile I did feel better. A few days ago my husband really pissed me off. I wanted to eat then but instead took a nice long walk on the treadmill and then got out of the house for awhile. Wow, I am finding alternatives to eating. I pray that these are the changes that will last as my stomach gets bigger I hope my head gets smarter.
4-30-06 Two days ago I found out that my husband is cheating on me. This is the second time he has done this. The first time, I had already filed for divorce and he said it was because I filed for divorce. OK I didn't really believe it but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. This time? I really don't care why. I am filing for divorce. Oh stupid me, I believed he would change, I wanted to give it one more try for the kids, I wanted to keep my life (really?).
Now I feel so ashamed and stupid. What to do? I'm feeling drained as I have been crying since I got up this morning, my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy. 5-06-06 I guess this is not just a weight loss journey. It is a life journey now. I really can't believe the events that have unfolded in the last week. I am so hurt by my husband’s actions; it is hard to believe that someone who loved me once could hurt me so badly. It scares me. Makes me want to withdraw and protect myself. I'm worried about how I will make it financially. That is a big worry. I know money is not supposed to be so important but I have struggled so many times in my life, I'm tired. I've had to overcome so much and I am really in the mist of a real "poor me" episode. I am so hurt. I don't know how I got here. Part of me knows that all the choices I've made led me here but were does my part in this end and his begin? Did I really try hard enough? I think I did. Then what would make him hurt me so? I can't control what another person does. Why did I pick someone like him to be with? Why didn't I see? He said he would take care of me, He said I could depend on him. He told me that, I did ask him for that. Then when I tried to depend on him he resented it and when I tried to be independent he resented that too. What did he want from me?
Why don't I know what he wanted? This is so messed up.
Keep moving forward, keep moving forward, keep moving forward.
5-14-06 Today is Mother's Day and it is my 12th wedding anniversary. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for two weeks now. I am trying to understand the un-understandable. Much of what others offer does not help, even though I appreciate their support. I feel like a fool, I am sad, my heart is broken, I am fighting with feelings of guilt and shame and low self-esteem. I have to keep reminding myself that He made the choice to behave in this way. I did not have anything to do with his choice. We all have choices in life. Either do the right thing or the wrong thing...the loving thing or the selfish thing...no matter what. He chose to be selfish, as he has many times in the past. I know he is self-centered and will continue to be that way. He will not change because he does not want to. I have to find ways to cope with this that will make me a stronger more self confident person so that when I have to choose, I can chose to love. Selfish choice is made to protect one's self from something. They are defensive choices, made when one does not believe they will be able to get what they need.
Keep moving forward, keep moving forward, and keep moving forward.
5-29-06 I have lost 75 pounds up to this date. I am very pleased. When I look in the mirror I see a different body. I look longer and curvy. That's good news.
I am struggling with the feelings I have about my marriage, my husband and my future. I am devastated by his cheating on me I am humiliated. Deep down inside it hurts so bad I can not find the words to explain. I feel like a fool. I feel vulnerable and used. This is bad. This is bringing up something old, some thing from way down deep inside me that I can't seem to put my finger on. Maybe it is the grief from when my father died. Maybe it is all those feelings of helplessness I felt as a child when he died and there was nothing I could do, no way to turn back time, nothing just the emptiness and loss of control.
I've had such a bad few days. I know this too shall pass and I will be looking back on it some day. It just hurts here in the present.
Keep moving forward, Keep moving forward, and keep moving forward.
6-27-06 I had my 6th month check up on 6-21-06. I have am low on zinc so I have to take a supplement. My hair is falling out and the NUT said it is because of the low zinc. I have exceeded their goal for me for 6 months and they expect I will exceed my one year goal as well. I hope so. The weight loss seems so slow to me but in reality it is not slow at all and it is steady and consistent.
On Saturday, which was the (June)24th, my estranged husband and my 8 year old daughter were in a motorcycle accident. Both are fine, but This has been very stressful for me.
7-16-06 Things are settling down with the motorcycle accident. My daughter is finally off the crutches she has been using. She is healing up well and I am grateful for that. I have been taking care of her as she had trouble moving around. She is only 8 years old but she is so grown up at times. I don't know how long it’s been since she let me brush her hair or take care of her like this. I have had some really bad days trying to let go of my marriage and my husband. He is gone and it is over and yet every time I am reminded it hurts all over again. His girlfriend is ever present, which really hurts. It seems so easy for him to replace me and go on as if we have not spent the last 14 years together, two children and a life, and in an instant I am replaced. Painful.
I am eating as well as I can and try to take care of myself. I walk on my treadmill almost every day and stay busy. I am losing weight and feel really good about that. It is funny but people are starting to comment. I have lost about 80 pounds and they are just now saying "Have you lost some weight?". I've gone from a size 24 at the big ladies store to a size 14 at the regular store. Fun but expensive. Well this has been a long up date and it is time for me to go.
8-27-06 I have had a hard month. My divorce was final August 1st, it was a dissolution and so very quick. I really haven't had time to catch up with the reality. My head just can't seem to wrap itself around the events of this summer. Time seemed to fly by and maybe that was a blessing. I guess a person can only accept what they can accept and things like this take time. I hope to slow down some. I had a stall as far as weight loss but that seemed normal after losing so much in July. I am losing again and very happy with the way I look and feel. Much of the physical complaints I had before WLS are gone. No more knee pain, feet are better, tons of energy and I am able to keep up with the demands of being a mother and working full time. (Oh maybe losing the husband and all the crap that went along with that is freeing up some energy as well)
3-07-07 I think that some of my profile has been lost. I am sure I have updated since last August but it is gone. I should have e-mailed it to myself but, oh well. Things are going really well. I am dating and have met someone I like a lot. There is so much missing, since August. I was seeing an old boyfriend for awhile and then dated 3 or 4 different guys until I met Greg. He is for me. He likes me they way I am, I can feel it. I can be who I am with him and it is ok. I don't know if I've had that for a long time. I am holding steady at about 131 pounds. I am looking into PS, in fact it will happen soon. My insurance may pay for some of it but I have some money saved up just in case. Any way I will try to stay updated here. It is so important to be able to look back over the journey and see how far I have traveled. Until next time then.
12-28-05 226 -31
01-28-06 213 -13
02-26-06 206 -7
03-26-06 199 -7
04-30-06 192 -7
05-29-06 182 -10
06-29-06 172 -10
07-30-06 156 -16
08-27-06 151 -5
09-17-06 145 -6
10-01-06 142 -3
12-08-06 135 -7