Tim M.

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I haven't posted a blog for a while so I wanted to give a little update on what is happening in my WLS journey. I had surgery on April 3rd and unlike previous years when I was saying good rittens to the year before, I had a pretty good year! 2009 was the year I got healthy and it opened doors for me that I never even knew where shut.

At about 6 months weight loss for me came to a screetching crawl. This was an adjustment period but now I am just as happy losing 1 lb as I was when I was losing multiple pounds a week. I am loosing 1-3 pounds a month a this point and I am happy with that. I never really believed I would be at my current weight and am actually a few pounds under what my original goal weight was. I had to readjust what my goal weight was going to be and I honestly think that I end up having to do that again in the future.

I have begun to weigh my food and I am not religious about this yet but I am doing this more and more. I think these are natural steps one takes on the journey post op. I'm taking more of an active look at monitorinig what I am taking in keeping track of calories mentally and monitoring carb intake. These are all steps I feel I should be taking but will be important for sustained progress.

My face has thinned and I can't believe it is me staring back in the mirror. Is that my cheek bone? I really lucked out with excessive skin because I really do have a managable amount. It is not draping off of me but at this point I have pinpointed areas where it is notecable to me. Under my arm pits is just a little loose, like you could pinch the skin and pull it out away. My stomach has some hanging down the area above my G unit has the puffy skin thing that only plastics could really resolve. When I was heavy I had a little bit of fat on my inner thighs and now I have a flab of skin on top of muscle. It's kind of amusing. You have to have a sense of humor in this stuff I think.

My goal at this point is to begin weight training 3 days a week. Not just for health benifits but to see what skin will bounce back in the process. Couldn't hurt, right?

I haven't written a blog in a while and this is more for pre-ops who wonder onto my page than for myself. I had a lot of ideas of what post-op life would be like; some ideas were dead on and others were way off. Here is what I experienced.

My hospital stay was challenging.  I had to stay an extra day because my oxygen sat. levels were too low which meant I needed to be monitored. Retrospectively the docs thought it had to do with me being dependant on my CPAP machine which I used for sleep apnea. I had no idea what it was really going to be like right after surgery. I was in pain and strung out from the meds I was getting. The pain meds didn't really help the gas it just knocked me out. I was emotionally frayed and a train wreck at times. I wanted my own bed, was pissed I couldn't move without having pain and had buyers remorse. I thought I made a big mistake and now I was stuck with it the rest of my life. BUT! this might have been because they didn't give me my antidepressant while I was in and that by itself will make you depressed and ready to cry. The best thing I was told in the hospital was from a nurse who told me, "listen to your body". This is so, so true. Write it down because you will do well to remember it.

I took 3 weeks off of work post-op. I honestly could have gone back to work after 2 weeks but it sure was nice to have that extra week off! The first week recovering was the hardest. This is when I was on a liquid diet and all my brain told me was that I was really hungry and I needed a hamburger. It was really frustrating to start out sipping 1oz of water or chicken broth. This is where it comes in to play about listening to your body. Follow the post-op guidelines but listen to your body. You will feel what you are ready and not ready for. One of the first thicker things I had was slim-fast. It has protein, decent flavor and other nutritional value. I had an excellent support and I learned how valuable this is post-op. My wife motivated me to do my walks, stay mobile and stay hydrated. Once I got home I felt better. Once I got my drain out 1 week later (yes you will have a drain with this surgery) I felt 100 times better. At this point I really felt a difference. It is hard to get used to the portion changes and I had to experiment to learn what I could eat, how much, how quick and so forth. I threw up once or twice and it was a valuable learning experience. Right after drinking after eating I realized I was wrong and my body reinforced this. I discovered my limits by listening to my body.

Mentally I was disappointed with my weight loss in the first few weeks. My hopes were for this radical transformation and that hadn't occured. I was a little anxious and I wasn't feeling the need to be patient. Then out of the blue it started. Like an earthquake my rapid weight loss started and I was holding on for dear life. This was really exciting for me. I was exercising 5 days a week and this may have helped me but I dropped pants size quicker than I could keep up with it. I had trash bag after trash bag full of sizes that I would never wear again. 4x shirts, 3x shirts....By June I felt that I was on top of the world. I had a lot more energy and was enjoying running for the first time since high school. I didn't need my CPAP machine anymore and I wasn't snoring at night at all. This from a man who sounded like an angry bear at night. I felt skinny and it was a great feeling. I realized post op how bad my self image had become as an obese person. I had a lot of moments where I realized how my pre-op life was so different and unhealthy. When you change your eating habits you notice when people around you are eating poorly. I ate a 12 inch steak sub, a large fry and a Mountain Dew? What was I thinking! I never missed soda. I still don't. There are things I do miss though but I would rather miss those things and be healthy versus fat and headed for a heart attack. If you don't realize that morbid obesity means an early death then you need to understand that. I digress.

My weight loss screached to a slow crawl at about month 3. I had lost 110 lbs by this time so it wasn't like I was crying the blues. It did take a mental toll on me though. After losing so much weight and getting so many compliments I thought I was doing something wrong. I must be eating wrong, stetching out my stomach, etc. The fears and anxiety was right there to drive my imagination. I think that one fear out of all WLS patients is the fear that they will stretch their stomach out. At about 2-3 months post op I noticed I had a greater capacity to eat food than before. I still couldn't eat an entire chicken breast if I tried so this is only relational to my previous "normal" amount. This I understood was normal. Your body heals and this means you can eat a little more. I noticed that my restriction levels varied from day to day. Some days I felt like I barely ate and others I could eat a lot more. Some people don't experience hunger initially but this really never went away for me. 

Also at month 3 was the dreaded hair loss. God, I hated that. The thinning was noticeble to me and my wife. I started taking Biotin daily (walmart) and within 2 weeks the hair loss stopped. Whew! It really never got back to 100% as of yet but good enough. I like the biotin though. My nails have never grown so fast too!

I have to talk about the drawbacks and negative experiences in here to keep it fair and balanced. I have learned post op that the best way for your body to digest food is the way that it was originally designed. The surgery saved me however and these are the things that I notice post op. I burp a lot more. After drinking a bunch or eating too fast. I don't have to be doing anything wrong for this to occur. My stomach noises have gotten louder in general. I have to watch my sugar a little now. I think this is mainly because I can easily overlook eating and my sugar gets too low. I notice this coming on with an uneasiness, sweatiness, sick feeling that only gets stronger until I eat something. When I am running I need to pay more attention to replenishment of fluids and sports supplements than the normal person. I need to have gatorade for a 40 minute run (yes I can do this!) whereas others do not. I went on a 8 hour hike over the summer and I had to pack a lot of snacks. This is something I do now everywhere. I pack a protein bar, 100 calorie pack of something, a water bottle, etc. That's it though. I'm pretty lucky with the drawbacks. I don't notice much now. I'm in a routine.

Within the first 4 months I was able to let go many of the stressors that I had due to my obesity. Not being able to fit in a resturant booth was no longer an issue at all. I used to look at the booths like it was my executioner. My wife and I love roller coaster but it was embarrising to find out that I couldn't get on anything after I hit 300 lbs. In August of this year I rode roller coaster rides all day long and didn't even come close to not fitting on the rides. I have been able to buy regular sized clothes again...I always felt like I looked like a slob because of my clothes or lack of new clothes. Now I love to shop and can even fit into larges! Are you kidding me? I'm estatic about these changes and every once and a while I stare at a resturant booth and feel so thankful for the opportunity to have bariatric surgery.

I still go out to eat on a regular basis. There are things I just can't eat and I avoid some places but overall I can find something anywhere. I always get a box for my meal. I generally eat about half or 1/3 of what I am given and save the rest to eat at a later time. As far as eating is concerned I like to focus on chicken or steak. I eat what I want however but my body dosen't do well with pastas, breads, rice, etc. Things that are hard to digest like corn never make it to my plate. After eating a healthier diet for a while I have a low tolerance to sugar and high fat foods. They generally make me sick to my stomach. Vitamin water has just as much sugar in it as a soda and I don't drink these types of drinks as a result.

I would do my surgery again in a heartbeat. I feel better about myself and physically I am a shadow of the obese man I once was. I have a second chance on life and for that I feel blessed. Overall this has been a wonderful, shinning experience and it has allowed me positive feedback from friends, coworkers and family. My self-image has dramatically increased and I know that I have added years to my life. I like that.

So, here I am looking into December with all the stressors bearing down on me that we all face this time of year. This year I know may be even more stressful than the past but I still feel that I will be able to cope better. My mother goes into cookie mode mid December and she usually makes enough to feed a small army. So, when company comes there is casual conversation, coffee and cookies. It has been engrained in me to graze this time of year and everyone feels that a bit I'm sure.

Recently when I get the idea to go get a nice meal at a resturant or eat Ice Cream I pause for a second. I think to myself, "what am I feeling now?" It's amazingly simple but I usually realize that I'm not hungry. Usually it has to deal with fatigue, stress, etc. It is a very hard thing to change in my life. Food is for fuel, not for fun. I realize that this mantra hits it dead on. Yes, my favorite show is on and I'm gonna curl up on the couch but that doesn't mean I need a huge bowl of popcorn in front of me. I'm not even hungry if I take the time to realize that what I'm feeling is not hunger.

Tracking my food is helping me because I'm looking at labels again. Did you know that one slice of a philly cheese steak that you buy at the supermarket is a serving size? So when you eat enough for a sandwhich you probably are eating 4-8 servings. A 12 incher with cheese and mayo really is enough to feed a whole tribe of starving children.

The whole menatality has to be that I am making a change in my life not the surgery is going to fix my weight problem. That is a trap that will lead to one underminding their tool post-op.

I'm going to miss my tripple venti white chocolate mocha at Starbucks post op...A LOT. I guess I could survive a month or two on hot tea.

I have been involved with 6 months of necessary weight managment classes and I fell in a rut for quite a while. It just felt like there would never be an end to this process and that underminded my pre-op progress. I just finished my 5th weight managment class this month and everything has finally began to click for me. I finally have come to realize that this is a total life change. It's one thing to say it but another all together to come to terms with what that will mean. I have I finally realized that this is a really scarey process and that I will need to get rid of a big security blanket I have been toting around for 10 years. I know that this is what I need medically and for the first time I believe that I need it. I was overconfident that I would "man up" and muscle though this process. The scarey part is realizing that you don't have the control over your obesity like you thought you did. This is like an addiction like alcoholism...emotional eaters, like myself, eat the stress. We get to a point that the way back is not possible and the only place to go is forward. Much like Dorthy, we don't really know where we are going, but we head down the yellow brick road on what we are told. I realized recently that this surgery only reduces the size of my stomach. It will be a GREAT tool to reduce the amount I can eat and hopefully I will feel full on a few ounces of food. The big challenge for me, however,  is changing my relationship with food. Just because we get a surgery doesn't mean that we won't be emotional eaters anymore. It won't magically take away all the bad habits that we have practiced over the years. We...I need stop avoiding these issues and make the change to a healthier lifestyle. WLS will help me but it will not carry me across the finish line. Maybe it is time to do everything we can to refocus our lives in a positive direction. If that means seeing a shrink to talk some issues out, DO IT. If it means getting in touch with a nutritionist to help you, DO IT. For a long time I saw the end of the journey as getting surgery but I now realize that it is only the beginning. There is so much ahead of me and realizing that is a good first step. One day at a time, just like AA. I realize that I will fall off the wagon and have something I'm not supposed to but I just pick myself up and go at it again. I'm looking forward to my surgery, all of the progress to come and the transformation that it will provide me. However, I now realize that the largest change will be mental. I will have to make the effort to get my skinny picture on Obesity Help right beside my pre-op picture.
I'm taking steps now to better my future. I'm on dailyplate.com and tracking my food. This is a great tool to track your consumption and calories! I never realized how much crap is in the resturant food I was eating until I began to track it. I honestly am thankful that I had to do the six months of classes becuase it has helped me a lot. I realize that it is important in my step to a healthier lifestyle. So my advice to all those reading this is to follow the yellow brick road. However, realize that you will have to walk down the road, it will not walk you.

I recently had my initial consultation and was very happy to hear that I had a good shot at getting approved with my insurance for VSG (Carefirst BCBS MD, PPO) I've been thinking about WLS for over a year already but had an unfortnate situation where I had to wait for benifits that included WLS for morbidly obese. So, I visited my PCP thinking that I was going to get the 6 month documentation out of the way so that I could have a jump start on the process when the insurance kicked in. I learned a valuable lesson here that you should know if your going through this process . It doesn't matter if you do six months with your PCP if they don't document it in their notations about the visit. If your going to do your six month requirement with your PCP you need to spell out what you need from them because they many not have much experience doing this with patients. It doesn't matter that you talked about it if they don't document it. So, one step forward and six months back. I learned my leason not to assume anything. 

I haven't been posting in a long time. I have been waiting for everything to come together...new and better PPO insurance. I now have my first appointment at John's Hopkins Bariatric Center on June 3rd. God, I can't wait!!! I'm nervious and excited. I wish it were tomorrow. I just hope I can get the answers I am looking for. At this point my #1 option is getting the VSG but I don't know if I can get the insurance to cover it. They will cover procedures but I'm guessing that this means RNY or Lapband. Fingers crossed. 

I looked at my intro and the things I have written in the past. I was so determined like a fighter who is gonna knock the mother out with the first punch. I was wrong. Life problems = anxiety = poor eating choices and overeating. I have noticed a change in my body and my level of fitness. I have never been out of breath walking from here to there but now I have issues. Can't fit into anything in the stores anymore and so I am stuck with my few bits of clothing that still fit. I gave up for a long time. I just sat around depressed and eating bad comfort food. That sounds so pathetic because I feel like I should be stronger than that. I am a mentally strong individual but this has been one hell of a challenge. I can certaintly say at this point that I don't want the surgery, I need the surgery. I don't want to wait another day. I want this tool to help me get back into life. I want my wife to feel she has a hot man that will be living in another 30 years. 

This process is difficult because I can't talk about it to very many people. They just don't get it. They can't even if I repeat and explain over and over again. So I just stop talking about it and forge on. It's a lonely path at this point. I know that they will be behind me after the fact but it's the idea of needing surgery that I just can't get people to wrap their head around. I blog these feelings so that others that follow me will know that they are not alone. Although it is a difficult fight I have to keep in my mind that I will prevail.  

My house smells so good right now. I poured about 15 lbs of candles tonight and my entire kitchen has new candles setting up. My favorite holiday scent is a tie between bayberry and home for the holidays. My all time fav is a scent called Hot Fudge Brownie. This baby will make your whole house smell like a chocolate factory (reminds me of a hershey park tour in Hershey, PA). Here is my recipe for making it happen:

2 shots espresso
24oz dark coffee with splenda and creamer 

I have taken a few steps towards the day I will have surgery. I have learned some valuable things about myself and the various surgery experiences. I can't emphasize enough to other to really get out there do the research and use obesityhelp for valuable support. 
I went to John's Hopkins Bariatric Center at Bayview in Baltimore, MD last week. I wanted to hear about their program and give my mother a chance to learn more about what I wanted to go through. This experience greatly differed from my experience with another surgeon's informational session several months ago. The surgeons are all top notch. When you say Johns Hopkins you are really saying some of the best doctors in the country. However, I felt like the presenter was trying to sell everyone on RNY. Several people asked about lap band and she gave all the info but presented it in such a manner that obviously let everyone know that she didn't think that was as good of a procedure. Again when it came to VSG numerous people had questions and she stated that some of the info now is suggesting that the weight loss could even be as good as RNY. But then she preceded to throw in a lot that again made it seem that she didn't prefer to do this over the RNY. My other experience was informational and did not have this buy this not that mentality. It was a very disheartening experience and was a lot colder in nature than the smaller practice. I honestly would go with the smaller practice if they did VSG. I won't go to see the doctor that presented as it left a bad taste in my mouth. 
I learned some things too. That while I was sitting there thinking about Olive Garden and a big bowl of carbs that I had a lot of changing to do. The one speaker said she had to learn to do new things and that she used to plan her evening out with the meal as the main attraction. Now that dinner is not an all out gorg fest there is a lot more time to do other things. Wow, I thought. That sounds just like me. These light bulb momments have been happening a lot. I read things here and hear things elsewere that really identify with. It took a while for me to open my eyes to all the problems I have related to food. It's just not the weight it's my approach to food. It has been a bad coping skill to stress, it has been my major pleasure activity. These are things I want to leave behind but feel somewhat like a drug addict who no matter what is going to get thier next hit. Puff, Puff, give. Ahh. I'm defantively in survival mode just trying to do enough to make it though the scarey. scarey insurance hoop and then get to the table to rock this surgery.  

Knock, knock...After a long 13 hour day at work I was tired, was suffering from caffeine withdraw and hadn't really eaten dinner. This is a classic set up for me. Starved, tired and stressed all I can think about is sugar, candy and carbs. So I reach for old faithful...the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. Yum. For dinner a nice portion of frozen pizza and some Pepsi. Am I crazy or what? I want to loose weight but between the long hours and everything nothing has really changed. I need to work harder at getting into a low carb diet so I can show some improvement before WLS. I think I'd feel like a real failure if I couldn't pull it together now. Damn pizza!