Nubianlilly

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If you've read my blog before, you know that I've been a slow loser the whole time. Over the past year I've lost a significant amount of weight.  It doesn't feel that way though. When you look at what you are loosing on a week to week or day to day basis, it doesn't necessarily feel like a lot. You may not even be seing your body change so much either. I just decided to look at my weight loss since I moved in August.  I've lost an additional 28lbs.  Not really quickly, only about 7lbs per month, but I know that a large part of that was my own fault.  I've gone from a very fitting 16 to a loose 12.  I'm not a 6 yet, but I'm only 33 lbs away from goal.

When I look at that and know that i've lost 126 lbs ( I mean that is the amount of a normal sized person) I'm so excited about all of the possibilities of actually reaching my goal of 135.  At that weight, I will have a BMI of 22.1.  Really, to be a healthy weight, I only have to be 152.  I've never believed that that was even possible for me.  If I put my mind to it and  workout regularly ( which I'll admit I haven't been doing) I feel that I could reach that goal in the next month or two.  Time goes buy so quickly that two months is nothing major and I really can do it.

This whole process has been unreal for me as I'm sure it has for the millions of other people who've had the surgery.  I've said this before, but I would do it again in a HEARTBEAT!  I took this step strictly because I wanted to  be smaller, it had nothing, ok very little, to do with health.  I've definately achieved that. My ultimate goal is to be a size 6. 33 lbs should definately take care of that.  If it doesn't I like to believe I'll still be ok. with my journey.  I've become ok with the slow weightloss, and I may be able to get over not reaching the exact size that I want.

Now, this whole post is not going to be entirely glowing. I will say that as a 27 year old the one body part that I can't stand is my boobs. Don't get me wrong, there are bad things going on all over, but they dont' bother me that much. My things sag a bit and will more if I lose 33lbs. My tummy although flat enough in clothes is flabby as well. I don't know if crunches are going to pull it in, but perhaps I should put more effort into tring.  My boobs though, I can't deal with. They are flat pancakes and they hang litterally to just inches above my belly button.  Everyone says wait until you have kids ( if you are going to), but let's be honest, If I get my boobs done at this age, they are going to need a refresher in 20 or 30 years. 

I've decided that I'm going to get them done. I may never have kids, I really couldn't say.  I just know that it's becoming an obsession and I think it's more than fair for me to want to fix them.

hat's all I can say for now. Very few will probably even read this, but I kind of needed to write it down.

I finally started losing weight again.  I can't say that I don't know why I stopped in the first place, and we'll get into that in a little bit, but I'm so happy that the scale is finally moving ( expecially in the right direction).

There was movement in another way as well, I have been extremely furstrated with the fact that I am not pooping on a regular basis. Pre-surgery, I never had a problem about going to the bathroom, now  I go maybe 2 times  a week if I 'm lucky.

I've gotten a few good tips:

eat more healthy oils like avocado, olive oil etc.
Take a stool sofetner, or
Take a fiber suplement

I'll admit, I haven't done any of these things.  I still have the problem, which obviously isn't surprising to me. To get something different than you've ever gotten, you have to do something different than you've ever done. So We'll work on it. I'm going to start with the salad option first some olive oil and avocado sounds like the lesser of all evils.

Now to the other problems...why wasn't I losing weight? Well, I was doing a significant amount of partying. Every weekend and sometimes during the week I was drinking tons.  I blogged about that problem a few months ago, but it got worse. While I don't think that i'm an alcoholic, I am concerned about my post surgery relationship with alcohol.  I want to make sure that I can have a glass of wine with dinner and be done.  I want to make sure that If I do go out ( with the intention of drinking too much) that I do so very rarely and stop before I start puking or showing any body parts. Finally I would like to go out without drinking at all.  I haven't tested it yet in terms of drinking in moderation, I've only just stopped drinking altogether.  The effect of that  was reviving my weight loss. I only have 11 months left for maximum weight loss from my surgery and I want to make sure that I hit goal during that time.

So that's where I am, I'm 1 year out, 124 lbs down with 35 lbs left. It's so exciting! The last time I weighed this amount I was in 8th grade. 8TH GRADE.  It's almost rediculous with  you think about it. Over all though, I'm pretty happy with my sucess. I'm not done, and these last two weeks have helped me see that. I don't have to give up here. I can keep pressing forward until I reach my ultimate goal.

Oh, by the way, I heard something funny for the first time.  Some one said to me, don't lose any more weight. I just laughed it off.  I'm not a skinny person...yet.  I've got plenty of fat left in my body to lose another 35 lbs. 

Ok, well that's it for now.  i just wanted to reflect a little.

So I just got back from my 9 month visit with Dr. P.  As expected I got in a bit of trouble.  I need more calcium, more protein, really more food in general.

I believe i am at a plateau because I'm not eating enough, or at least not enough of the right things.  If I'm being completely honest, I think its a bit of both.

I've decided to recommit. I have a new sponsor SHILPA, and tons of support.

The reason for my post today though is that I'm having a bit of a complication... GERD.  Dr. P is sending me back to the Gastroenterologist.   If you've ever had an endoscopy you know that it's an uncomfortable procedure.  I hope there isn't anything seriously wrong.  We'll see. 

OMG, I'm not obese!!! Well almost not obese anymore. I'm just regular overweight now.  How excitinng!

I can update another one of my goals.  I didn't realize it until I updated my profile today.  That's really exciting. 

Alright, so let me tell you what's going on with me. Nothing really.  I've gone out on a couple dates with a new guy. I'm more confident than i've ever been in life I think.  While I probably always could, I feel like I can ask for anything I want and it really doesn't matter what the answer is.  The beauty is in the fact that I asked for it.  I asked for a raise and got it (most of it anyway) I was presented with a new bonus structure to go with my new job and I countered it confidently. 

People say that changing yourself physically doesn't necessicarily change you mentally, but I have to say that I don't agree with that.  I think that when you are packaged in this box that society says isn't the right shape size or color your personality, mental and emotional stability, and even the view you have of you who are as a person.   Life is so much easier when you are in a similar package to the majority. Maybe your bow is different, or your wrapping papper is shiny instead of print, but generally you look the same.

In my opinion when this happens, it's easier to stand out in other ways when you "fit in" for the most part.  That's how I feel now.  I can speak my mind more freely because i don't feel like I stick out in too many other ways. 

I'm happier in general.  Definately happier with how I look, happier with the area of a store I shop in and happier with the styles that I can find and fit into.  I'm all about outside changes affecting inside feelings.   

Yea! I got my card. I've wanted one ever since I got on OH.

First let me say that I have NOT lost 100 lbs yet.  It's totally my fault. I've developed a new habit that is totally ridiculous.

Today was a big day for me though, I reached Onederland. I'm really excited about it.

Things I need to work on:

1) Getting in all of my protein. ( I've never done this) I don't even pay attention anymore. I need to though

2) Exercise - I've been packing boxes and lugging them around my apartment for the last couple of weeks so I'm not totally sedentary, but I don't hit the gym like I should. I definately want plastic surgery when this is done, but at the same time, I don't want to have to have it you know. I can already see the skin pooling on my thighs UUUUUUUGH! I think I might be able to get by without a major tummy tuck though if I really work out my muscles!

3) Find my spirituality. I lost it...literally. I can't really explain what that means. I know, and I guess that's what's most important.  I don't know what I believe in anymore or why (why not). I have the hardest time with this because my mother is very spiritual, I grew up in a spiritual household, and I have a hard time imagining life without "God".  However, I feel like I got shafted somehow. Like I do what I'm expected to do for God, but its not good enough or something. Now everyone in my life tells me that that is me, not God which may very well be. That brings me to the last thing on my to do list.

4) Suck it up and go back to therapy. I found a counselor that I like, she's not what I would have expected, but I like her. During our second, and last, session I told her that I wasn't coming back.  I think that was probably a mistake.  I'm in the middle of this huge life thing and I feel like I'm falling down a black hole.  I need something to hold on to.

Oh, here's another gem. I recently started drinking. I'm only 6 months out, so I shouldn't even be looking at alcohol, but I was at a bad place emotionally and someone offered me a glass of wine ( don't blame them, they didn't know about my emotional state or the WLS). I did though, and I took it anyway. After I found out that it only took 1 glass of wine for me to be completely free I was hooked. It's been 2 months now.  for about 4-5 weeks, I only had a drink or two on teh weekend since I never really keep alcohol in house. Well, these last few weeks, I've been having a BIG glass of wine every night. This week, I'm making Mojito's every night.  I just read a post about a whole bunch of other people having the same issue.  I don't know how/if I'm going to deal with it other than working on the list I wrote earlier.  Who knows... Everyday is an adventure.

Next wednesday will be 6 months out! I can't believe it's been that long since I went under the knife. My life has changed 180 degrees from when I got THE surgery.

If you read my initial posts you will see that I wasn't in surgery love.  I didn't see the results AT all. Now, 6 months in, I'm almost 88 lbs down.  If I eat right and exercise every day from now until the 9th, I'll probably hit the 100 lb mark next week while maybe not exactly on Wednesday.  I can't be upset about that.  6 lbs to go and I'm in Onederland. 26lbs and I'm no longer Obese! What's that like? I'm excited.

So I said that my life is different. I don't want to disclose everything, but I will say that I'm doing things that I would never have thought I would be doing a year ago; some good, some bad.  Who am I? I'm still shy, but people treat you differently so you can't help but respond differently. The dynamics are definately interesting to say the least. 

I don't know what this means, and the last 75 lbs is going to prove what stock I'm made of I'm sure. I'm a little nervous, a little excited and curious surely! 

I'll keep you posted on what I find.

So I've neglected my Obesity Help Family. Sorry about that. I've been losing, slow and steady I guess. 

I've been eating carbs carbs and more carbs. It really does inhibit my progress.  So for the last week I've been eating a lot of Veggies and Meat. I'm not necessarily getting all of my protein, but close.  

I haven't been exercising. I can tell the difference between when I exercise and when I don't.  The last time I weighed this much ( or this little) I was in a slightly smaller size. That should motivate me to get going!

I'll post more later. I guess I need to add a new picture as well! 

So, I haven't posted for a while but I was doing a make shift self breast exam and low and behold, I found a lump.  My doctor is sending me to get a mammogram.  OMG, I can't believe it. She said that the odds are on my side though because I'm young and it's probably just a cyst.  

Let's hope.

Since I did so much complaining about not losing weight, I guess I should fill you in.  I'm down 58 lbs since December and 43 since surgery.  I'm losing pretty consistently maybe 3-5 lbs a week. I definitely can't complain about that.

We'll check in soon.

I'm finally in a place where I can set goals.  I posted some the other day but I haven't made any of them public. It's almost like if you say them out loud they won't come true.  That's how I feel right now anyway.

I came to the realization today that I spend most of my life disappointed; people, things, myself.  Also, I'm so afraid of disappointing others.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to live in a world where you don't expect to do anything right, and you don't expect others to either.  You are constantly fighting reality.  I'll be the first to tell you, it's really hard!  

The reason I'm saying this is because  I read so much about people who have a whole new lease on life since they reached or as they approach goal.  I''m hoping for the same.  I'm hoping that by shedding the weight, I'll be able to see things a bit more clearly.  Now that I've written it down I see that it's another expectation that may not come to fruition. This cycle is a bit depressing.

Anyhow, on to weight loss news.  My official weigh in day is Monday morning so this is unofficial news.  I am no longer morbidly obese.  I'm just regular obese right now.  That was my first official goal.  That's exciting.  My next goal is a BMI of 29.9 where I'll just be overweight and not obese at all.  That's 60 lbs from now. It really does seem like an eternity.  

I have a couple of more unofficial goals 1) be 234 by April 4th ( that's the same weight as a friend that moved to FL who hasn't seen me as a post op)
2) To have shed 40% of my excess body weight by the time I have my 3 month visit. that's 24 more lbs in about 5 weeks.  It's totally possible, but probably not probable.

Those are the only ones that are coming to mind right now, but along the way, I'm sure I'll have some more stop points.  

I'll post my official below 40 BMI weight tomorrow, but since Sunday posting has become a bit of a tradition for me. I thought I would let you know.