patblaney
3/26/01
Well, it has been about 2 weeks since I found this site and made the decision to have the surgery. Since then, I have met with my PCP at Kaiser who is being supportive. She told me she would do what she needed to do to make this work. I have my Psych appt. scheduled and am waiting for my appt with the dietician. I realize there are alot of hoops to jump through but I will take it one step at a time.
I actually first thought about WLS about 2 years ago when I heard about Surgi-Lite. I sent for a tape and got information directly from them. The more I looked into it, the more it seemed like quite a drastic decision. The procedure at that time was just stomach stapling, not the procedure that currently exists. Anyway, I put the idea out of my mind and proceeded with yet another diet program.
When I heard about the Carnie Wilson surgery, I started to re-explore things. I discovered that this was different and was actually performed laproscopically. I felt this was a better option because I think that I have always had a fear of going under and not coming back or having to be split wide open for any procedure. I have only gone under general anesthesia on two occasions. Once was during a D&C procedure after having a miscarriage. The second time was during my tubal ligation.
In January, I was seriously considering the surgery and actually tracked down the facility where Carnie had her procedure done. I signed up for an informational meeting that was going to be held in March 2001. In the meantime, I started doing more research on the web and discovered a wealth of information and support. I consider myself to be well-informed and a strong patient advocate for myself.
As I searched the web, I discovered other people in my local area that had N. Cal. Kaiser and was able to get feedback from them about how to get through the hoop-jumping process with them. I didn’t even think that I had a chance with Kaiser and considered paying for the procedure myself. One thing I did discover is that many places that do the surgery will not take a private pay patient because of the amount of follow-up care required after the surgery. So, I began the process of pursuing Kaiser to pay for this. I have never been a patient person and find that when someone tells me NO that is all the impetus I need to find another answer that I like better!
So, here is my timeline and how it is going.
3/21/01
This was the date that the informational meeting for Alvarado Hospital was scheduled for. I decided that I was going to pursue Kaiser so called to see if I could get in to see my PCP and got an appt. for 3:30 that afternoon. I had always had trouble reaching my PCP by phone so thought if I made an appt., we could discuss my decision face-to-face. She was very supportive although did try to make me painfully aware of how this would change my life (which is exactly what I wanted). She told me that although she was not completely aware of all the protocols involved for referral to this surgery, she would research and do whatever she could to make things happen. She gave me the number for Psych (a required step) so I could make my own appt. She said she would refer me to a dietician (another required step) and would print out a copy of the protocols and send to me so I could see them. I already knew them but a copy of the documentation would be helpful. By the way, I did not go to the Alvarado Hosp. Meeting.
3/22/01
I called Psych to get an appt. The woman was very nice and explained to me that there was a particular doc that was familiar with WLS and I should meet with her. The appt is set for 4/23.
Week of 3/26/01
I still had not heard from my PCP about the dietician appt nor had I gotten the paperwork she said she would send. I called and left a message. A few days later, I got the paperwork, my lab work referral and a note that said I had been referred to the dietician.
Week of 4/2/01
No dietician appt yet! Left another message for my PCP.
4/9/01
If information means success, then this was a successful week. I learned from some contacts on the WLS website that I could call the Health Education Ctr to get the status of my referral. I also learned that I probably would be required to take one of their classes taught by the dietician. Good thing because I learned that my Kaiser was down to one dietician and appts were being made 4 months out! However, the next class was on 4/24 and that I could attend that. So what I will do is attend the class and then introduce myself to the dietician and let her know that I am trying to have WLS. Hopefully that will help get me through the process faster. Here is an excerpt from an email I got from someone on the WLS website:
…As for Kaiser. All I can say is KEEP ON THEIR BUTTS! You really have to be a bitch to get them to listen and do what they SAY they will do. Being your own patient advocate is so important in dealing with them to get this surgery.
Keep calling your PCP about the referrals. Tell them you will not drop this and you need the dietician referral. OR you can call the dietician and tell them that you were supposed to be referred but never got a formal referral slip, but wanted to know if you can go ahead and make an appointment. Just try to finagle your way around the weird Kaiser guidelines as best as
possible. It DID take me about 6 months from start to finish with Kaiser's approval process so 6-8 months is not out of the ordinary to wait with them.
Just try to be patient and KEEP being your own advocate. Don't take their crap and if you don't like the way things are going, call member services and let them know. :) They helped me get through the B.S. more than once. :)
Thanks, Jen. If my husband knows me like he says he does, I shouldn’t have any problem being a bitch!
4/19/01
Well, I have appts next week so I am getting a little excited. I check the website each day and also read the bio’s of the anniversary people. I have found so much positive information. I guess that no matter how anyone’s personal journey went, the consensus is that the WLS is the best thing one can do for themselves. I have started doing my research on my weighloss efforts and have begun to write the letter I intend to send to the docs with that information. An excerpt follows:
…As it stands, I am 44 years old and weigh 332 lbs. I am generally in good health however my knees are feeling the effects of years of excess weight. My back aches every day, I have high cholesterol, it hurts to walk. I can’t walk my dog, I can’t play basketball with my son, I can’t go to an amusement park. Flying on an airplane is not only uncomfortable but is painful and I am emotionally drained by the time the flight ends. I can’t cross my legs to put my shoes on, I have difficulty cleaning myself after going to the bathroom, I get heat rashes in the folds of skin under my abdomen. Forget about going swimming or someplace warm. This weight, my body affects me every day. Even as I write this, tears well up in my eyes as my depression overtakes and washes over me.
Please take the time to read this paper about me. In the following pages I explain what I have done in my life in order to combat morbid obesity, and how I need to be approved for weight loss surgery. I discovered that based on my history, my health, my weight and BMI and Kaiser’s protocol, I am a good candidate for surgery. I will provide you with documentation of the years I have spent (I don’t even want to think about the money), trying to lose and/or maintain a significant weight loss. I will give you some of my family background which seems to support the facts that my research has uncovered about this disease. And lastly, I will unabashedly beg you to approve me for this procedure. I do not want to die from one of the weight-related co-morbidities that await me in the future if I don’t have this surgery and I need your help and understanding. You are the professionals who know that the research I have done is supported by medical fact and that this surgery is a viable treatment for the disease I have been suffering from all my life.
April 25, 2001
Today is my birthday! I feel like I have come so far and am feeling very encouraged at this point. This week I had my psych eval and the woman was great. I went loaded for bear with printouts from the internet and everything. I was able to refer to the things I had learned and by the end of the eval, she told me that I was a very good candidate for surgery. GREAT!!! She is going to write a letter and forward to my PCP. I also registered for a nutrition class and took that as well. After the class, I introduced myself to the dietician and let her know that I would be meeting with her. When I told her that I wanted to pursue bariatric surgery, she shook her head. She checked to see if I was on her booking list and gave me a number to call to see if I could get an appt any sooner because of a cancellation. I said to her that I had noticed that she had shaken her head pretty vigorously when I mentioned the surgery. She basically said (and I’m paraphrasing) that it was an extreme, last chance thing and that it could be very risky. She told me about one person she knows who had the surgery and has a wound that won’t heal because she can’t get enough protein. She also said the woman is not eating right anyway. She also talked about malabsorption and anytime you have anesthesia with any overweight person how risky that can be. I let her talk and decided that when we have our appt., I will be able to show her how much research I have done and how prepared I am to proceed. I think that once she knows how educated and prepared I am, I should be able to get a good recommendation from her. I realized that I have to prepare myself for negative reactions from people, even health professionals, about this surgery. I have told no one about my decision to have surgery except my husband (who is wonderfully supportive! He knows he will get great sex out of the deal!) and have struggled about what to tell others, even my parents. I met a great person from the WLS website. We emailed and talked on the phone and are meeting next week. She told me that she is just going to tell the people at work she is having gall bladder surgery. I think that I am going to have to ponder over the negative responses. It seems to be people that do not have to deal with this disease who are negative. “Desperate measures”, “Easy way out”, “Last ditch effort”. From what I have read, this is not an easy way out. It takes courage to change your life. I have also learned that this is not a last ditch effort, but a viable treatment for a treatable disease. Besides, Kaiser is pretty conservative and I doubt that they would have a whole department dedicated to this type of surgery if they did not feel that was viable. It took them years just to approve Xenical and Meridia. They wanted to be sure they were truly safe medications.
I have already decided that in addition to the web, I am going to join a support group and once I have the surgery, I am going to pursue individual counseling to help me through this. I went to a party a few weeks ago and tried to imagine what I would do in a similar situation after my surgery. Food is such a social thing for me. Social interaction with family and friends revolves around food – holidays, birthdays, barbecues. I love to cook for friends. I got that from my grandmother. And I love to eat great food. But, I want to be healthy more than that. I am totally committed to making this work, despite the negative feedback I have gotten and will get from people. I realize it comes from their ignorance of this disease.
May 1, 2001
I just got the appt with the dietician. She had a cancellation so I had her put me down for today. I am very excited, nervous. I call this feeling waffling! We’ll see how it goes. This weekend I finally got to meet someone who had the surgery. I found her on the website and she lives in my town. She had the surgery 1 month ago and has lost about 30 lbs. already. We had e-mailed several times and she asked if I wanted to go to a support group meeting in Sonoma so we went on Saturday. We have a lot in common, I really like her. I enjoyed the support group too. It consisted of several different people, post-op, pre-op with dates and pre-op no dates. There is a lot of commonality that we share. There was one woman there who is 13 months pre-op and wished she had never had the surgery. She has lost 140 lbs. but has had a really hard time with complications from the surgery. Apparently there was some infection that could not be cleared up. She has apparently had several surgeries since her original RNY so has been through a lot of stuff. Still, my friend and I came to the same conclusion. She seemed like a very negative person and it seems like she may have had medical drama anyway. Still, it was the first negative feedback I had heard about the surgery. Yesterday I looked at before and after photos on the website and that was encouraging. Today is going to be busy.
May 3, 2001
So I had my daily dose of the anniversaries on the WLS website. I love to see the photos. Especially those from people who weighed about what I weigh and are now below 200 lbs. Can I do this? Every other weightloss plan I have been on has not been successful. Even though in my mind I know this is different, I worry I will screw this up too. I know I did not screw up the other efforts, the cards were significantly stacked against me but still…You know, for someone who has such low self esteem, I sure have a lot of power! Yeah, I can make people talk about me, I can make things happen just because of my size! I am not that powerful! Yes, that is me being cynical. I got to meet another person from this website and that was cool. It is so neat to have people who understand and that I can talk to. I know I am really going to need those people as the time comes. Thank God for leading me to these people.
June 6, 2001
I can’t believe it has been so long since I updated my journal. (How many times have I read that on this site!) Time just flies when you’re having fun. Anyway, May was a crazy month. I was out of town a lot and now my husband is gone for the month of June. Just want life to get back to normal. Anyway, on 5/11/01 I had an appointment with my PCP. She had all the paperwork she needed to submit the referral to the bariatric surgery department. While I stood there, she faxed all the paperwork including my “begging” letter and weight loss plan documentation to them. I waited a couple of days and called them on 5/15/01 to make sure they got the paperwork. I was told it had been received and it would be about 3-4 weeks before I heard anything. On 6/4/01 I called to get a status and was told the referral had been sent to the committee and it would be another week or two. So the waiting continues. I continue to read the anniversaries on the website and stay in touch with the people I have met. Did anyone watch the special on the Discovery Health Channel? They had a woman on there who had the surgery (open RNY) and was doing very well. Carnie Wilson narrated the special. It was very informative. I am so tired all the time. This morning I was feeling “at my limit”. It’s like my body just can’t take this weight anymore, I have reached critical mass. I don’t feel healthy, I feel ugly and fat and tired. We joined a health club and I want to go swimming. I just don’t have the energy. I get home from work and I just sit the whole evening and feel awful by the time I drag my sorry butt off the couch and up to bed. I am totally sure that missing my husband has a lot to do with my melancholy. I just need to keep busy. I want this surgery now, I want to change things now. I realize that this surgery can be risky but there is so much I have read and seen that shows what a success it can be. To lose weight and have it gone FOREVER! Inconceivable. I read the success stories and want that more than anything. I feel like I am ready to be re-born physically. I have been re-born spiritually and believe it is God who has led me to this place. Sometimes I think He is testing my patience too because this process requires a lot of that. But I have been heavy all my life and in the overall scheme of things, this waiting time is just a blink. Well, I guess I should get back to work. Thank you for letting me have this run-on stream of consciousness. Back to reality.
June 18, 2001
I have just made my 3rd call to SSF to get an update since my last update. I did get one call back on 6/12 from Marina who told me she was waiting for one committee member to respond to her. When I started researching this surgery 2 years ago, I never even considered Kaiser as a resource because of how conservative they are. I just assumed that I would have to pay for this myself. As I researched, I discovered that Kaiser does do the procedure and that many places won’t take a self-pay because of the amount of follow-up care required.
So the frustrating part is, since Kaiser has always been very conservative when it comes to procedures, policies and prescriptions that if you meet the criteria they set up, why all the waiting, jumping through hoops, etc.? I have had Kaiser for a long time, mainly because it was so convenient with kids. But personally, I have a little trouble with the whole "industrial" feel of the place and the staff. You are just one of many in their stall of patients. And the Call Center...what's up with that. You can't even call your PCP's office directly. Hate it! I considered canceling Kaiser and changing to another health plan during my company's open enrollment period but wasn’t sure I wanted to start all over!
I think the hardest part is that I have already spent 2 years researching this surgery. Now that I have made the decision to pursue it with Kaiser, I find that I have already met their criteria. Yet there is still such a wait. It would be one thing if I could know that the wheels would turn without my constant checking in. That way I could just focus on other things and keep my mind off the wait. Like Christmas, you know? It is always going to come at the same time whether you think about it or not! With Kaiser, you have to keep checking in so as not to fall through the cracks. Venting complete, now I can move on…!
June 21, 2001
Well, it has finally happened. I HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR SURGERY THROUGH KAISER! This is the first payoff in hoop jumping! Probably will be another 4-6 months of additional hoop jumping before I actually have surgery, but hurdle #1 is behind me.
July 23. 2001
Can't believe it has been so long since I updated. Still waiting for dates for consultation and surgery. This is the hardest part. I want to get on with my life!
August 2001
So, once more I can count on my parents to be themselves. Wanted to share an experience I had and ask for input on how to go forward. My parents have always been concerned about my weight. You know "You have such a pretty face..."; "Just eat less."; "It's a matter of willpower." That last one is my favorite. If I did not have any willpower or
determination, would I have:
1. Stood up to an abusive husband and left him after 5 years with a 3 year
old in tow?
2. Gone back to college at 27 years old as a single parent holding down 2
jobs?
3. Met and married a wonderful person with whom I have built a great life
and had another great son?
4. Raised that aforementioned 3 year old to a grown young man who is just
about ready to graduate from college himself?
5. Built a career as a marketing professional working for a Fortune 500
company?
6. Garnered a close circle of really great people as friends and
confidants?
Life has thrown me many a curve but in spite of my weight, I have dealt with these things and failed and succeeded many times. That is not to say that my weight issues have not been a part of my life every single second of every single day. I have either dieted, gained, lost, worried, cried, obsessed, rationalized, etc. every day. There are not many people that I
have shared this with. Mostly because there are not many people in my life (except all of you) that understand these things. These people have seen me lose, gain, lose, gain more many times and in the case of my parents, attribute it to my lack of willpower or determination.
So far, my husband, my kids, and my best friend know about my decision to have surgery. My plan was to tell my parents and my sister once I had an actual date. Last night I was talking to my older son and he told me that he had been talking to his grandmother (my mom) and that she had told him how worried she and my dad were about my weight. She told him that she did not want to talk to me about it because she did not want to upset me (that's what my family does -- we worry about things but never talk to the person we are worried about. You know, ignore the elephant in the living room.) When I did tell my son about my decision, I asked him not to tell them. That I would do it when I was ready. So he did not tell her anything, just that he
had talked to me about my health and he assured her that I had indeed had been seriously considering my health issues lately and that he was optimistic that there would be some changes in the near future.
I told my son I appreciated his support and understood why my parents might want to avoid the subject with me. Even though I spend so much of my time dealing with it, I never talk to them about it so maybe they think I am ignoring it. But the old toxic feelings came up again and even though I now can recognize what affect my parents have on me whenever I feel that they
"don't approve", it still hit me hard. I have this picture in my mind about what their faces will look like and what reaction they will have when I do tell them about this surgery. I'll get that "it's so drastic" or "you just need to eat less" response and I don't know if I want to deal with it. Last week we talked about support and that we need all we can get. But do I want to risk what I think might be their reaction for whatever support they may or may not give? That is the question of the day. Does that mean I am not committed enough to my decision? I believe I am and have been determined from the point I made the decision to make this happen. I guess I just know that there are still buttons my parents can push and I have just not gotten
past that point.
My husband thinks that I should not tell them. Just bring it up after the surgery when they notice my weight loss (that is of course unless I am the only one it does not work for! so many fears, so little time!) He thinks that my real family is the one I choose, not necessarily the one I was born to. I think that sometimes too but they are my parents, after all.
OK, I am done rambling. Thanks, everyone.
September 28, 2001
The recent tragic events have left me numb. I have not had much interest in going to this site or any other but I know I must get on with life. Since I last posted, much has happened. I have gone to my initial orientation at Kaiser. That was very educational. It put a lot of things in perspective. I knew I had done a lot of research but going to that appointment made everything so much more real. Do you realize that before surgery your full stomach is about the size of a football? And after surgery, that full stomach is about the size of an egg! Also, the size of a piece of food that you can safely swallow is about the same size as that piece of chicken in the Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. That is why you have to chew so much before you swallow, so that helps with food going down and with digestion. I also have my appt. with my doc on 10/16. Kaiser wants us to lose about 10% of our weight before surgery to make things easier for us. That means about 33lbs. for me. I have been trying to eat better and right now I am down 16lbs. Hope that means a sooner surgery date for me! More to come...!
October 2001
Here’s an update on my latest adventures. I am hoping as I go through this it will help those who are earlier on in the process.
Well, I met Dr. Gorrin on Tuesday. But before I get to that, I wanted to talk about the 12:30 meeting that I attended first. Nadia and Gity moderated and it was a wonderful discussion. There were people there both pre and post op. Frank was there as well as Brian (but not Chicken Brian! Sorry, that is the only way I can differentiate between you two right now!). I got a lot from that meeting. Frank was talking about feeling a little frustrated and how he has always been successful at anything he set his mind to, except his weight issues. I so totally can relate to that. In my career and in my personal life, I have set goals for myself and with drive and determination (not to mention, God's grace), I have been able to attain those goals. Don't get me wrong. There have been bumps along the way but not like with my weight. Understanding the genetic link does help some but it has always gotten the best of me.
On to Dr. Gorrin. I must tell you that meeting the surgeon makes this process more real than it has ever been. He was informative, gentle, knowledgeable and confident. I feel so comfortable knowing he is doing my surgery. He told me that I am an excellent candidate for surgery. I will be going with the open procedure but he is learning lap and will probably be doing that procedure before too long. I am so excited. They are telling me that I am looking at Dec/Jan but I did let Lisa know to put me on the cancellation list in case something sooner comes up. I am totally ready for this and will go at a moment's notice if available.
Just wanted to share with all of you. Thanks for listening.
November 2001
Well, I have much to be thankful for. God has surely blessed me and He continues to do so. This journey I am on has been led by Him. I pray and I follow His lead. He has opened these doors for me. I recently told a friend that I was going to have this surgery. She was very excited for me. As I told her, I explained that I knew there were risks but that I was in God's hands. If something should happen to me, I won't even know it and I will be with my Father in paradise. I love my family here and do not want to leave them, but I know God will take care of them. I have such a peace about my decision. Since I met with the surgeon, I have been eating well and exercising regularly. I have started drinking water, 2 litres a day and don't drink anything else anymore. I have given up soda and fried foods, the things that were killing me. My surgeon wanted me to lose 20lbs before surgery and I have lost 15 so far. I am confident that I will lose the rest by my date. Which, by the way, I got this week. December 13, 2001. My Christmas wish is coming true. I am so excited. I have so much to do to get ready. I can't believe that after almost a full year of this process that it will be happening in 2 weeks. I love this site. So many profiles of successful people. These have been very important to me as I found great comfort in seeing how this tool of WLS works so well. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I have met some wonderful friends through this site and it's been very motivational and inspiring. More later...
December 2001
I am preparing for my big day. I have had my pre-op tests, I have been exercising and eating well and drinking water and have lost the 20lbs the surgeon wanted me to lose before surgery. I have been surrounding myself with wonderful support from my WLS friends and my family. I have a little of the jitteries but I do know that the best is yet to come. I am feeling great and healthy and can't wait to get to the other side. I know there may be some unpleasant challenges I have yet to face with surgery and healing but I will make it through. God has gotten me this far and I trust Him completely. He hasn't let me down yet! Thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers. I will see you on the other side!
January 2002
Well, I have made it to the other side. The surgery went well, there were no complications and I have had no troubles whatsoever as a result. I am eating pretty much everything I ate before surgery except bread and rice. I use non-fat alternatives to mayo, milk, salad dressing, etc. I have lost a total of 62lbs. so far. This includes the weight I lost before surgery. I feel great and have gone down from sizes 30/32 to 22/24 in one month. Amazing. I can take the stairs now without getting winded. I am working out 5 days a week and am looking forward to riding the roller coasters at Marine World this summer. I will post more later. Thanks for visiting!
March 2002
It's true that after surgery there is so much more you're doing that you can forget this site. I remember when I was visiting here before surgery so hungry for information. I got really frustrated when people stopped posting after surgery because there was so much I wanted to know. I vowed I would not do that. So much for vows made in earnest. So here's a quick update and some thoughts along the weigh (I mean way!). I am just over 3 months from surgery. Stats:
Weight 6/01: 334
Weight12/01: 300
Weight 3/02: 245
Total Lost: 89!
What I can do now that I couldn't do before:
Go through a turnstile facing forward.
Sit in a chair with arms.
Walk up 4 flights of stairs.
Walk for an hour on the treadmill.
Fasten an airplace seat belt and tighten it.
Fold the airplane tray table down.
Be on top!
Cross my legs.
This surgery was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Thanks for stopping by my profile. More to come.
May 2002
I am almost 6 months out from surgery. Since I had surgery, the chances I have had to do so many active things has been amazing. We went on vacation to Florida to see my oldest son graduate from college last month. He had not seen me since right after I had surgery and was amazed by the difference. We did so many things that I would not have dreamed of before surgery. I wore a bathing suit. I swam in the pool. I boogie boarded in the Gulf of Mexico. I remember walking out onto the beach and just crying because I was so happy. I thanked God for giving me a second chance at life. We rented kayaks and scooters and I walked and I ran and I was just active. My husband is so proud of me and our relationship could not be better. I remember talking to a woman once outside the doctor's office. She had been approved for surgery and was waiting for a date. I was about 3 months out at the time and she told me that she had heard that after people have this surgery that their relationships change and they leave their spouses. I guess that does happen but that could happen whether you are fat or skinny. For me, my husband and I are so much closer. He has stood by me all these years no matter what my size. I feel so much more attractive to him now and want to be the wife he deserves because he has been a wonderful husband to me.
My current information is this:
Starting Weight: 334
Current Weight: 220
Total Loss to date: 114 lbs.
Starting Measurements:
Chest 48"
Upper arm 17"
Waist 59"
Hips 60"
Thigh 33"
Calf 20"
Current Measurements:
Chest 43.5"
Upper arm 15"
Waist 50.5"
Hips 48.75"
Thigh 27.5"
Calf 18"
Total inches lost: 33!!! Almost 3 feet of me is gone forever!! New pictures in a couple of weeks. I highly suggest that you measure yourself periodically, take pictures and keep a gratitude journal. Over time, you will see major progress and when you get stuck in a particularly challenging place during your journey, seeing your accomplishments can keep you motivated to keep going. Good luck and God bless you all.
Hugs,
Pat B.
June 13, 2002
Today is my 6 month re-birthday. My surgery was exactly 6 months ago and I was re-born on that day. I got a new chance at life and thought I would share with you my insights over the past 1/2 year of my journey. I am also adding new after photos.
Here's what I learned since surgery. There is no greater feeling in the world than doing something you have always wanted to do but had always been restricted by your size in the past. During this last six months, I have worn a swimsuit, swam in a pool in public, boogie boarded in the Gulf of Mexico, walked through a turnstile facing forward, buckled the seatbelt on a plane without an extension and folded the tray table down. I have kayaked on a quiet bay, not been concerned about going to a place where there were arms on the chairs and crossed my legs unabashedly. I have also learned that even though you lose the weight, your life will still have challenges, trauma, sad times and struggles. But, I have learned that it is possible to go through those times without eating a whole pizza or a bag of cookies. I have learned that this process is the rest of my life, not just some event I will get done with so I can eat the way I used to. I've also learned that losing weight is not a moral issue -- we are not good or bad based on what we eat. I have learned it is a process and every day I get another chance to make myself better and healthier. I came to a greater understanding of God's glory and grace and that He loves me so much, He opened all the doors that made this surgery possible for me.
I have made so many new friends from this site and others who are at various stages of this process. I have found great joy in being a source of information for the newbies and providing insight to those who truly want to make this change in their lives. I have also been honored to be an angel for people who are just beginning their journey.
And best of all, I have learned that I have the desire and motivation to really change my body and get to a healthy place and stay there. For so many years, my own body would sabotage my efforts to accomplish this feat. I thought it had to do with my own weaknesses and lack of desire but I learned that my disease was real and that it was stronger than I ever thought possible. Now that I have the tools I need to control it, I feel a great sense of happiness and peace. This is what gets me through those times when the outside struggles seem almost overwhelming. I am strong and I am determined and I am motivated and that is what gets me through. By the way, I am down 120lbs as of today. God bless you all and thank you so much for reading my profile as I continue this journey.
Hugs and Love,
Pat B.
September, 2002
Well, I have just read my post from 3 months ago. What a difference a quarter makes! This past 3 months has held some challenges for me as I continue my journey into unchartered territory. Physically things are great! I am down a total of 150 lbs. from my highest weight of 334. I have about 24 lbs. to go to have a healthy BMI. I have lost approximately 50” from my body. In fact, I now weigh less than the lie on my driver’s license! I am starting to see bones that I never knew I had. Did you know there are bones in your butt?! And they hurt when sitting on a hard surface. I can wear a size L top and 14/16 in bottoms. That darn tummy still gets in the way but nothing a tummy tuck won’t fix! I feel great; have loads of energy and workout 4 times a week. I take my puppy out every day for a walk and on the weekends my husband and I take her for about a 3-mile hike through the local state park. I am doing weight training two of those 4 workout times and cardio training the other two days. I feel like I’ve become addicted to working out! Imagine that. Recently I rode a roller coaster with my son (like I promised him I would right before surgery). All these years I thought that the reason I wasn’t riding roller coasters was because I was fat. Well, the real reason is that I don’t like roller coasters!!! I hung on for dear life, clamped my eyes shut and screamed bloody murder. But at least I kept the promise I made him and I was able to fit with room to spare. That is one of the great things now. I fit. In seats with arms. In airplanes. Through turnstiles. It’s amazing. I think I even notice people treating me differently. I had some guy make eyes at me at the grocery store a few weeks ago. I was passing through the bread section (more on carbs later!) and he looked up and raised his eyebrows and smiled. I told my husband he was after my buns! It was actually a weird feeling.
Feelings…ah that is the next thing to discuss. The first 6 months are bliss, I must say. I can see why they call it the honeymoon period. The weight is falling off in chunks! Your appetite is still small so everything is going well. For those of us without the pesky dumping syndrome, things are pretty much a breeze. Eat what you want, just smaller portions. Well, be careful. Someone wise once told me that at 9 months your bad habits come back. If you truly have not delved into the psychological issues surrounding your past weight gains, then I’m here to tell you that is totally true. Over the last several weeks, I have started snacking. My snacks tend to be carbs, crunchy and salty. Pretzels, goldfish crackers, breads, popcorn. I would grab a handful here, a bowlful there. I knew I wasn’t hungry but it was just a small amount every so often, then it was every day and before I knew it, the weight loss started to slow down significantly. In fact, one week I gained weight. Now, my greatest fear is going through this whole process and gaining weight back. I could not imagine being cut open, having my insides rearranged, losing only a portion of my excess weight and then start to gain it back. Egads! Well, that meant I had to come to terms with what issues were causing the anxiety I was feeling that was causing me to overeat. Of course my first reaction was conservative. “It’s Atkins all the way, no sugar or carbs for me!” Well, the reality is that we must come to achieve a balance in our lives. Strict regimens just don’t make sense for those of us who want full, balanced lives. One of the things I learned from Dr. Teri Holtzclaw is that most obese people generally have other areas of their lives that are out of control and that is overshadowed by the eating. I realized after a lengthy shopping binge (for clothes that no longer fit me!) that there was a significant area in my life that was out of control. Money. My husband and I make a very good living but given one iota of opportunity, I always find a way to spend money. It seems like I have no concept of its value except the excellency of instant gratification. I had to close my checking account because I can’t help bouncing checks. My husband handles all our finances because I am not good about paying bills on time. I don’t even want to know where the money goes as long as he can sign a check for me. Well, that has put us very deep in debt. I mean numbers that are embarrassing. This is all part of the same problem. Not thinking about the future, just worrying about right now. But then it hit me, some day we would like to retire and I’m pretty sure that living in a cardboard box and eating cat food does not sound like a good way to spend our golden years.
My realization that planning and preparing were not bad things had a tremendous affect on me. Don’t get me wrong. This was not an easy thing to understand or accept. I was a raving bitch for weeks—all the while throwing the aforementioned crackers and pretzels in my mouth and wondering why the scale was not my friend.
I still may need professional therapy to come to grips with the whys of these behaviors but that is something I was prepared for before I had surgery. But, I continue to go to support group meetings (and in fact just started a new meeting in my town) and find unbelievable resources of help, caring and support that gets me thinking about my behaviors. It is hard to take but it’s reality and that will not go away. I encourage everyone to attend support group meetings in your area no matter where you are at in this process. The insight from those of us who have gone before us is the most invaluable asset we have in the journey.
Well, I have seriously cut back on carbs and am more in tune with my body, the machine. I have to say it has had a very positive effect over the last several weeks. The combination of prescribed tools (surgery, water, protein, supplements and exercise) has a powerful effect on the disease of morbid obesity.
The last few months have been a struggle but I would say they have been rewarding as well. Would I change anything about the last 9 months? No. I would have this surgery again in a heartbeat and only wish that I could have done it 10 years sooner. But then again, I was not grown up enough to deal with the physical and psychological changes that have and will continue to occur. At least God did not think I was ready and I trust Him. It is His glory and grace that has led me to this place and I am so grateful. Peace and God’s love to you. Thanks for reading my profile. I appreciate it. Feel free to email me with any questions.
Hugs,
Pat
December 2002
Well, here I am at my one year anniversary and what a ride it’s been. As I look back on my previous posts I definitely see the pattern of a process. From a physical standpoint, things went fairly smoothly for me over the past year. I had no complications with surgery and my recovery was noneventful. I have lost a total of 170 lbs. (which is slightly more than half of my former self!) and 67 total inches from my body. I can wear a size 10/12 and mediums from my largest of 30/32’s. I feel very healthy and thankful for the opportunities over the last year.
That said, I just would like to touch on the good, the bad and the ugly of life after weight loss surgery.
The Good
Fitting – in clothes, seats, tight spaces. Shopping at Ross and Target and paying about one fourth of what I paid for clothes at The Avenue or Lane Bryant.
Compliments – from people, coworkers, family, especially those who have not seen you in awhile.
Health – I did not have any comorbidities before surgery but my cholesterol was 317 (I was a walking stroke!). My blood work is all normal now and my cholesterol is 175.
WLS Friends – I have met so many wonderful people on this journey. I have made lifelong friends that I am not so sure I would have met if I had not chosen this path.
Not Emotionally Eating – Did you know you can get through a crappy day or an emotional meltdown without a bag of cookies or a super sized McDonalds meal? It is possible, I do it a lot!
Exercise – Hooda thunk that I would actually enjoy exercise and even do it on the weekends or my days off?! I actually feel better after working out, emotionally and physically.
Support Groups – I could not have come as far as I have without the amazing support of others like me. The online groups and support group meetings have become my lifeline over this past year and have helped me tremendously. In fact, I even started a support group in my town because there were so many that were not going to meetings because they were being held far away. The response to that has been great.
God’s Blessings – He actually led me to this path and I thank Him for giving me yet another chance at life.
Dumping – I don’t dump!
The Bad
Dumping – I don’t dump! Here I thought that I would have a new built-in mechanism to keep me from eating all those “bad” foods. Not!!! Also, how do we learn we don’t dump? By trying to eat the things that can cause dumping!
Identity Crisis – Here I am, a fat person all my life both physically and mentally and now I’m not fat. I know, I know, what am I complaining about! But, when people you have known for years do not recognize you, it is kinda freaky. My mind has not caught up with the lightening fast changes my body has gone through so I still think fat. Even though I wear normal size clothes and my body weight and BMI are in the healthy (normal) range, I don’t quite feel normal. This is going to take a lot longer than the weight loss did.
Learning to eat all over again – When they tell you it is like having a brand new baby stomach, believe it. You literally have to relearn how to eat food. How to chew it, what you can tolerate, what tastes good, what doesn’t. Unfortunately, because your brain did not have surgery along with your stomach, the external cues can still prompt you to eat like you did before surgery and that can be a problem. Although I don’t dump, there are some foods that can make me throw up and that is unpleasant. Of course, I don’t always learn my lesson so it happens more than I would like!
Cravings come back – Don’t think that just because you had surgery, you will never desire a brownie or potato chips or a cheeseburger ever again. Cravings do come back and you have to learn how to cope with them.
The Ugly
Skin – Whoever said skin is elastic was wrong!! Of course, carrying around more than 100 lbs of excess weight, having two babies and being older than 40 has a lot to do with that. I am actually shocked at what is left of my body with all this weight gone. I feel like whatever was connected to my chest within my breasts has come loose and has now sunk to the bottom of the skin on the outside! I have come to the realization that I have no butt because of the way the skin just sort of sags at the top of my legs and I’m pretty sure that if I moved them fast enough, the excess skin at the top of my arms could have me soaring through the sky. However, my tummy is not as large as I thought it would be but I still am going to start researching plastic surgery next year.
To recap, I wouldn’t change a thing. I know that I will come to terms with the emotional aspects of this surgery and my brain will catch up someday. But, I know that my life has changed forever and am so thankful for how positive that has been for me.
Hugs,
Pat
October, 2003
Well, it has been a long time and I do intend to do a full-scale update at my 2-year anniversary but thought I would fill you in on how things have gone. Since I am almost 2 years out now, I can say without hesitation that the 2nd year is the hardest. The first year while I was adjusting to my new life and changing my eating habits and my in-born resistance to exercise, weight was coming off fairly easily. I say this in retrospect but I know at the time it was not coming off fast enough. However, there is so much to learn about our physical bodies during the first year, we barely have time to concentrate on the emotional and psychological changes. Don't worry, you have plenty of time during the 2nd year!
After the first year one has either achieved their goal or has lost the most weight they will lose in that period of time. The bulk of the weight comes off during the first year and although there can still be weight loss in the 2nd year, most of it has come off already. So, the majority of physical changes have happened and now it is time for the mind to catch up. I know the feelings. I could not believe the physical change in myself and still saw myself as fat even though I had lost almost 200 lbs. I call it the "fat head" syndrome. Because of the mixed up body image we have of ourselves, we still see ourselves as fat. Actually it makes sense. For many of us, our entire lives have been spent being obese. The change after surgery happens in an instant when you compare it to the amount of years being fat. Our heads barely have time to keep up. That is what happens during the 2nd year. Adjusting to life without the ability to turn to food (without sometimes severe results, like dumping and throwing up) like we have been so used to all our lives is a tough adjustment to make. This is when support groups and possibly therapy might be a good choice. Most of us do not want to "mess" this chance up and will do what it takes to stay successful. It is hard to change a lifetime of habits in one year or two years. It takes recongnition, awareness and action to make sure we make smart, thoughtful choices when life throws us a curve. Most times, that does not include reaching for a Krispy Kreme!
I am updating my photo now because I don't think that there will be much difference in future photos, at least with my clothes on! I am scheduled for plastic surgery on 11/18/03 with Dr. Zimmerman in Napa (who I HIGHLY recommend). I am having a tummy tuck and breast lift/augmentation. When I update for my 2 year anniversary, I will fill you all in on how that process went. I must say that I feel that plastic surgery is one of the steps in this journey that I have to take in order to feel "finished". I don't know if that makes sense but in order for me to feel like I am complete in this process, I need to rid myself of the effects of those lost 180 lbs. by having the excess skin removed. It truly feels like a rebirth of sorts. More to come...
Hugs,
Pat
December 2003
I can't believe that 2 years has passed. I remember waiting for my surgery approval, surgery date and actual surgery. I thought it would never come. In retrospect, it was blink of an eye. The last two years have been filled with many joys and triumphs but also some hard lessons learned. In the past two years I have eliminated over 180 lbs. of excess weight and kept it off. A feat I had never been able to accomplish before in my life. I have become more physical and learned what a great machine my body is. I have come to respect this machine and work hard to maintain it. For the most part, I only feed it good fuel for energy and I exercise regularly. I have developed muscles and tone and it has amazed me how, over time, it has changed and become healthier. I have ridden a bike down a volcano, kayaked on the Gulf of Mexico, run a 5K race, started a support group in my local town, gone on a roller coaster and hiked hundreds of miles. None of this would have been possible at 334 lbs. or before this surgery. I have also learned of the tremendous hold that my relationship with food has had on me. I struggle with my food choices every day. I believe that is because I have become more thoughtful about coming to terms with this relationship. I have learned that just because you lose the weight doesn't mean that life isn't going to throw you a curve. When those curves come, I have learned that my old coping skills of using food to stuff my feelings no longer works. Maybe temporarily but soon I find that "behavior modification" that comes with this surgery (namely dumping and throwing up) will happen if I push the envelope too far. The 2nd year is a struggle because most of the external changes have happened already so it is time to work on the internal demons. That can be the hardest thing to do. It may take serious therapy but definitely requires lots of support.
I have learned that this is not an easy fix. Anyone who thinks that gastric bypass surgery is the easy way out is basically ignorant of the disease of morbid obesity. The surgery is only a small part of the success. The importance of exercise, eating habits, support, water and supplements combine to build success. I always say that one can't build a house with just a hammer. It takes a number of tools to build a house, just like it takes a number of tools to build success after WLS. The pouch is only one and to be honest, it is not even the most important one.
I had my plastic surgery on 11/18 and am now 3-1/2 weeks out from that. My plastic surgeon took off 10 lbs. of skin from my abdomen and for the first time in my life, I have a flat stomach. I also had a breast lift and augmentation and I am ecstatic with the results. But, it is going to take time for me to adjust to this new body. My head still has not caught to the changes my body has gone through over the last two years, although physically I don't think of myself as fat anymore. However, in my head, I still consider myself morbidly obese because of the many years that I lived that way physcially. We'll just have to see what year 3 brings.
All in all, the surgery was the best thing I ever did for myself because it started me on the track to change my lifestyle. This involved alot of changing my perceptions about my life and how I deal with life. I often say that if you are not ready to take your life and turn it upside down, totally change how you look at yourself, you may not be ready for this surgery. I have been very blessed to have a supportive family and a network of wonderful friends that I have met during this journey. It has not been the easiest thing I have had to deal with but one of the most rewarding. Thanks for reading my profile. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Happy Holidays.
Hugs,
Pat Blaney
December 13, 2004
Today is my 3-year anniversary. I have had time to reflect over the last few weeks about what that means. Statistically, I have lost 170 lbs. It took a little more than a year to lose that weight so I have maintained this weight loss for almost 2 years. I can honestly say that feels like a huge accomplishment. I have lost large amounts of weight before but they seemed to be the same pounds because they would come back very quickly after the loss. Maintaining this significant weight loss does seem to me to be one of the greatest accomplishments I could ask for. But, I think that actually losing the weight was the easiest part. The maintaining and working on the psychological issues that surround my emotional eating have taken the most extensive work. I would say that I am a work in progress and each day I try to learn a little bit more about how to deal with the world and myself in a healthier way.
I remember when I was pre-op and newly post-op. I would read the Obesity Help anniversary pages every day. I was anxious to read about others’ experiences in the hopes that it would help me through my journey. In many ways, it did help to hear what others experienced. Looking at the before and after photos made me think about what it might be like to actually have that kind of success since I had never had that before. But, I think the biggest thing I learned over the last few years was that this is my journey and I have to figure out what works for me. I learned how to reach out for support because as we know, the disease of morbid obesity is one of isolation. Opening up to others and accepting their help and support was a big change for me in my life and after 3 years, I still attend support groups regularly. I make time for me with friends who understand the struggle. I believe that recovery is a life-long process.
All that said, here are the most important things I have learned:
1. For me, having weight loss surgery was the best decision I ever made for myself. Once I realized I had a disease that could be assisted by this viable medical option, it put many things into perspective. Like it wasn’t all my fault that I was morbidly obese. Yes, we have personal responsibility for our actions but how can we possibly be responsible for the genetic luck of the draw that can stack those fat genes against us? But, it is a personal decision and one that must be made only after one is well-informed about the risks and rewards.
2. The surgery is a tool – not magic. Yes, Virginia, there really is a “honeymoon” period. The most beneficial time for your new pouch is within the first year. After that, you are going to be able to eat more, eat more often, eat different kinds of foods and basically succumb to any trigger that caused you to eat before surgery. That is why it is crucial to work on incorporating the other tools into your lifestyle change. Exercise, water, portion control, supplements and support work with your pouch to make you successful. And, once the pouch adapts to your eating style, these tools will become more important than pouch itself. And, don’t count on things like dumping and throwing up to be guaranteed behavior modification tools. Many of us don’t dump. How do we know? We push the envelope to see if it happens!
3. Being thin is better than being fat but even thin people have problems and food issues. I always had this thought that if I only were thin, then life would be perfect. It would be like little woodland creatures would follow me around and birds would be singing as I strolled through life. Yes, physically and health wise, my life is infinitely better without that excess 170 lbs. But I still can have a crappy day at work or have a fight with my husband or get a sassy response from my teenager or be disappointed by a friend. Those things don’t go away and it’s those kinds of emotional struggles that always seemed to trigger my overeating so I must be mindful every day to stay focused on my goals.
4. Enjoy your journey, wherever you are in the process. As I said earlier, I always wanted to hear how someone was living life after surgery before I had surgery. One of my trademarks – rush through where I’m at now to get someplace else. The problem with trying to rush through each step of the journey is that you can miss some very important lessons. Each step of the journey is the journey. Enjoy where you are at right now and learn what you can. And remember, this is a process. It is not magic and it is effort over time that yields the greatest rewards. Forget that instant gratification stuff. It just doesn’t work.
So that is just a little of what I’ve learned over the last three years. I don’t know it all and believe me, I’ve made lots of mistakes along the way. But each day gives me a new opportunity to start over. I have had to learn to relax and not be so hard on myself. I really need to remember to treat myself well. That doesn’t mean to be selfish to the exclusion of others. It means to take care of myself because I am important enough to deserve that and if I take care of myself, I have the energy and emotional strength to take care of the loved ones in my life. God bless.
Hugs,
Pat Blaney
December 13, 2005
4 years ago my life changed. There are so many things that have become possible since I started on this journey that would not have been so if I were still 334 lbs (or more). Usually those that are looking at these anniversary postings are looking for words of wisdom from us "old-timers"! I know that is what I did when I started this journey. I was hungry for what life would be like years away from the day I had my surgery. What I can tell anyone who is considering this surgery is that it is no easy ride. There is no magic other than what you make happen. The surgery is a tool and for many it does help create success because we have not had this tool before. However, it is only one tool and no one can build anything with only one tool. It takes a toolbox to put together a lasting structure and so it goes with this surgery too. The first thing is to make the commitment to yourself that you will do what it takes to give yourself this gift. You are worthy and deserve to have a healthy life and if this tool is what you need to make that happen, then choose it and use it. I have maintained my weight loss for 3 years after taking the first year to lose the weight. I had always thought that life would be so much better once I wasn't fat anymore and life is better but it still is life with its many ups and downs. I am fond of saying that every step in the journey is the journey. Do not wish time away or try to get from point A to point B in such a hurry. Be mindful of where you are every moment because you will learn another lesson that you might have missed and that is what makes you the beautiful person you are. God bless.
Hugs,
Pat
About Me
Before & After
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