Support System

Feb 15, 2009

Today is Sunday, February 15, 2009.  I still have not been able to tell my family about my surgery.  I mean it's scheduled for Tuesday, February 24th.  My sisters are really going through some deep "issues" and I just can't bring myself to pile my issues on top of theirs.  And...yet, I know if I don't and they find out about it I'll be on the black list for a very long time.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  Right now my youngest brother is the only one who knows.  He has volunteered to take me to the hospital and I may have to take him up on the offer, but I really don't want to.  He doesn't get paid if he doesn't work and in this economy not working is not an option.  I am at least lucky that I have ten days paid leave.  I don't know what to do.  I can make arrangements to get myself to the hospital, but I'm really scared to go by myself and what if something happens and they need a family member?  I am so torn!  I know I can't load my surgery on to my sisters, my brother will be making a HUGE sacrifice.  I wonder if anyone else has been through this?  Oh!  My other brother, bless his heart is very ill right now.  He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism very recently.  I have never seen him as sick as he is right now.  He is an ashen gray color, is a shell of what he use to be and is in a lot of pain.  I feel guilty even considering surgery right now, but I've been going through all this preop stuff for months and the family situation has not improved.  I can't help anyone else, if I don't take care of myself.  I am to the point where I have to take pain medication daily just to function.  My knees and back, especially my back are so incredibly painful.  I have developed something wrong with my left elbow area.  I can't grip and hold anything with my left arm anymore.  When I buy groceries I have to do it in small amounts because I can't carry things into the house, I'm either in a lot pain or out of breath.  Truthfully, I'm also afraid that the surgeon will open me up and find more cancer tumors and I don't even want to go there. 

On the up side, I have been listening to a lot of the YouTube videos and they are very informative.  I've made a shopping list so I will have what I need here when I get home from the hospital.  I am very independent and have been through surgeries before, so I know I can take care of myself.  I also know that I am better off by myself because I get irritated when people "wait" on me.  I know there are those who live for the day when other people wait on them.  I am not one of those people.  I thrive on my own.  I look forward to the day when I can go for long walks again.  I want to be able to take part in life instead of sitting on the sidelines watching life go by. 

I'm going to do this.  Right now I don't know how, but I'm going to do this.

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